Lonely, Sad, and Missing You

Dear Christopher,

I'm lonely and sad today.  I want to talk to you.  I want to hear your voice, and your laugh.  I want to hear you tell me you love me, and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.  I want to touch you.  I want to curl up halfway on top of you in my favorite position.  But instead, I'll sit here and write you a letter and cry.

It's amazing some of the things I've learned about you since you died baby.  Some of them I could have gone my whole life without knowing.  Others I'm glad I learned.  I'm not mad at you about anything I've learned.  But I'm sad that you kept some of the secrets you did from me.  I would have always loved you no matter what.  I still will always love you no matter what.  But some things would have been better coming from you.

I miss you so much I wonder if I'll ever fully heal.  If it's even possible to heal from this much pain.  You took so much of me with you.  People tell me I should be angry with you for leaving me.  And occasionally  I am.  But mainly I'm just sad.  I'm so sad that you left me.  I'm so sad that I couldn't save you.  I think I might literally die from a broken heart.  I hurt so bad.

Did you know that self destructive behavior is an especially common side effect in people who lost their life partner to a tragic death while in their 20's and 30's?  I didn't realize it was, until I started living it.  The self destructive thoughts are intense.  I want relief from this sadness any way I can get it, though.  It's so tough.

I've spent a lot of time lately wondering why you walked into my life and turned everything upside down.  And I think about how unfair it is that I got you for such a short amount of time.You were mine baby.  You were supposed to stay mine much longer, though.  I wouldn't trade a single second I had you for anything.  But it seems so unfair that I got you for such a short amount of time.  And my pain will last much much longer than the joy.

I love you so much that it hurts.

Carla