Dearest Christopher,
Good morning handsome. I miss you. I have my first real therapy appointment today. I'm pretty nervous. I hope it will help. I need to talk to someone. I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry. I can't believe you did this to us! I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general. Because this really really sucks. I want you to come home!!
Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again. I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you. I hate that babe. I could not stop crying. How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe. I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher. This is so unfair. You were way too young to die and leave me here alone. And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already. How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??
I know our relationship was far from perfect. But I never wanted a perfect relationship. I wanted a real one, and I had that with you. Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together. When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you. And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either. But now I'm forced to live mine without you. And I just don't know how to do it.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Showing posts with label surviving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surviving. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Finally A Smile
Dearest Christopher,
This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always. But this morning there was a smile on my face. I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone. But I was smiling at some of my memories of you. The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it! I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha. It's always been one of my favorite memories. We were both so happy. It was the first night I was in Michigan.
Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary. I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me. But we were supposed to celebrate it. Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me. That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do. What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change. I will still love you forever.
Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret. Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And living without you sucks. When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep. But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time. And I always knew you would come back to me. You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me. And I always believed it was true. I was the best thing that ever happened to you. And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too. But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me. I still don't know how to survive.
I love you and I miss you so much
Carla
This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always. But this morning there was a smile on my face. I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone. But I was smiling at some of my memories of you. The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it! I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha. It's always been one of my favorite memories. We were both so happy. It was the first night I was in Michigan.
Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary. I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me. But we were supposed to celebrate it. Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me. That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do. What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change. I will still love you forever.
Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret. Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And living without you sucks. When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep. But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time. And I always knew you would come back to me. You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me. And I always believed it was true. I was the best thing that ever happened to you. And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too. But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me. I still don't know how to survive.
I love you and I miss you so much
Carla
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Sundays Are Awful
Dearest Christopher,
Sundays are hard. I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send. But it's still hard. 3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me. I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again. I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could. Just listening to you. I miss you so much baby. I need you here with me.
I love you Chris. I love you so very much. I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted. I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it. Why are you making me??? I was sure we would be together forever. I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine. And that sucks. It's unfair. I love you. And I want you here with me. I'm sorry if that makes me selfish. But I miss you. And I need you. I don't know who I even am without you.
Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done. When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok. I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me. If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me. But you never chose her, did you? You chose me. I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to. I was the one you promised to spend your life with. And I want to say thank you for that. But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you. It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile. Waking up next to you was amazing. Waking up alone is awful.
I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you. They say they're worried that I'm not myself. I don't even know who I am. How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me. I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok. I just miss you so much. I'd do almost anything to feel better again.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Sundays are hard. I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send. But it's still hard. 3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me. I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again. I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could. Just listening to you. I miss you so much baby. I need you here with me.
I love you Chris. I love you so very much. I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted. I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it. Why are you making me??? I was sure we would be together forever. I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine. And that sucks. It's unfair. I love you. And I want you here with me. I'm sorry if that makes me selfish. But I miss you. And I need you. I don't know who I even am without you.
Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done. When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok. I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me. If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me. But you never chose her, did you? You chose me. I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to. I was the one you promised to spend your life with. And I want to say thank you for that. But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you. It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile. Waking up next to you was amazing. Waking up alone is awful.
I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you. They say they're worried that I'm not myself. I don't even know who I am. How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me. I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok. I just miss you so much. I'd do almost anything to feel better again.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Friday, November 27, 2015
Black Friday
Dearest Christopher,
I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was. Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping. I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg. You said it might even be fun.
I'm at home. And I can't even seem to do it online. Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now. And I have to do this. Without you. You treated me too well. You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do. Until the 9th, when you left me. Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do. Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.
I put on this happy face every single day. I don't want people to worry about me. But inside I feel so dead. I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard. I miss you. I miss being happy. People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now. They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.
I just miss you. And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day. But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.
Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.
Carla
I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was. Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping. I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg. You said it might even be fun.
I'm at home. And I can't even seem to do it online. Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now. And I have to do this. Without you. You treated me too well. You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do. Until the 9th, when you left me. Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do. Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.
I put on this happy face every single day. I don't want people to worry about me. But inside I feel so dead. I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard. I miss you. I miss being happy. People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now. They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.
I just miss you. And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day. But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.
Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.
Carla
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
You're My Best Friend
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning baby. I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself. And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse. You belong here with me. And I miss you. You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.
I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard. You're still the only friend I want to talk to. Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California. She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you. I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel. But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried. She had a lovely post about him on Facebook. I cried like a baby. Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard. I just want you back baby. But I know I can't have you.
You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to. But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would. I just want to be held by you. I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping. I miss you so much.
I love you and miss you so much it hurts.
Carla
Good morning baby. I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself. And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse. You belong here with me. And I miss you. You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.
I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard. You're still the only friend I want to talk to. Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California. She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you. I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel. But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried. She had a lovely post about him on Facebook. I cried like a baby. Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard. I just want you back baby. But I know I can't have you.
You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to. But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would. I just want to be held by you. I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping. I miss you so much.
I love you and miss you so much it hurts.
Carla
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Lonely, Sad, and Missing You
Dear Christopher,
I'm lonely and sad today. I want to talk to you. I want to hear your voice, and your laugh. I want to hear you tell me you love me, and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. I want to touch you. I want to curl up halfway on top of you in my favorite position. But instead, I'll sit here and write you a letter and cry.
It's amazing some of the things I've learned about you since you died baby. Some of them I could have gone my whole life without knowing. Others I'm glad I learned. I'm not mad at you about anything I've learned. But I'm sad that you kept some of the secrets you did from me. I would have always loved you no matter what. I still will always love you no matter what. But some things would have been better coming from you.
I miss you so much I wonder if I'll ever fully heal. If it's even possible to heal from this much pain. You took so much of me with you. People tell me I should be angry with you for leaving me. And occasionally I am. But mainly I'm just sad. I'm so sad that you left me. I'm so sad that I couldn't save you. I think I might literally die from a broken heart. I hurt so bad.
Did you know that self destructive behavior is an especially common side effect in people who lost their life partner to a tragic death while in their 20's and 30's? I didn't realize it was, until I started living it. The self destructive thoughts are intense. I want relief from this sadness any way I can get it, though. It's so tough.
I've spent a lot of time lately wondering why you walked into my life and turned everything upside down. And I think about how unfair it is that I got you for such a short amount of time.You were mine baby. You were supposed to stay mine much longer, though. I wouldn't trade a single second I had you for anything. But it seems so unfair that I got you for such a short amount of time. And my pain will last much much longer than the joy.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
I'm lonely and sad today. I want to talk to you. I want to hear your voice, and your laugh. I want to hear you tell me you love me, and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. I want to touch you. I want to curl up halfway on top of you in my favorite position. But instead, I'll sit here and write you a letter and cry.
It's amazing some of the things I've learned about you since you died baby. Some of them I could have gone my whole life without knowing. Others I'm glad I learned. I'm not mad at you about anything I've learned. But I'm sad that you kept some of the secrets you did from me. I would have always loved you no matter what. I still will always love you no matter what. But some things would have been better coming from you.
I miss you so much I wonder if I'll ever fully heal. If it's even possible to heal from this much pain. You took so much of me with you. People tell me I should be angry with you for leaving me. And occasionally I am. But mainly I'm just sad. I'm so sad that you left me. I'm so sad that I couldn't save you. I think I might literally die from a broken heart. I hurt so bad.
Did you know that self destructive behavior is an especially common side effect in people who lost their life partner to a tragic death while in their 20's and 30's? I didn't realize it was, until I started living it. The self destructive thoughts are intense. I want relief from this sadness any way I can get it, though. It's so tough.
I've spent a lot of time lately wondering why you walked into my life and turned everything upside down. And I think about how unfair it is that I got you for such a short amount of time.You were mine baby. You were supposed to stay mine much longer, though. I wouldn't trade a single second I had you for anything. But it seems so unfair that I got you for such a short amount of time. And my pain will last much much longer than the joy.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
Friday, November 20, 2015
So Much Anger
Dear Christopher,
One week ago today I was sitting in a coffee shop with Jon. I was trying not to cry while we talked about you. We were both still struggling to come to terms with everything. It was so weird being with Jon without you there. You should have been there with us baby. But instead we were talking about your memorial.
Today, for the first time since I found out, I woke up and wasn't crying. In my dream, I was actually able to read your text message. It didn't make sense, but I could read it. That's an improvement.
I spent a lot of time yesterday talking to people on a forum. I think it was good for me. These people understand a little bit more about what I'm going through. I'm so sad that they do. But it's comforting, too.
Baby, I am so angry at everyone. It took me completely by surprise. I'm angry at you for hurting Elliott, but I can't seem to be angry at you for hurting me, even though people say that's coming. I'm mainly angry at people I really have no business being angry at. And I would never voice it to them, because I get that I'm being irrational. But I just have so much anger inside right now. I'm so angry at people who got to marry their soulmates. I'm so jealous. I wanted that too! And I don't get to. I'm so angry at people who say they understand my pain, when they really have no idea. I want to lash out at them, but I know they're trying to help, so I just say thanks. But comparing the loss of a friend to the loss of my soulmate isn't fair. I really wanna scream and say "Did you sit in your dead "friend's" bathroom and cry until you hyperventilated when you started your period, because you realized you could never have his baby?? Because I did. Do you wake up so cold your teeth are chattering, and reach for the person who is supposed to be sleeping next to you, only to remember he's not there? Because I do. Please don't tell me you understand unless you've lost the love of your life, the person you were supposed to spend your life with."
I don't sleep in my bed. You're supposed to be there with me. I sleep on the couch. Or in the recliner. I know eventually I'm going to have to go back to sleeping in my bed. And maybe eventually the memories of you there will bring me comfort. But for now, they just hurt. I tried Sunday afternoon, but I haven't been back since then. In fact I don't think I've even stepped into the room since then. I still haven't figured out how to face it. Even on the couch I wake up reaching for you, trying to get closer to your warmth. Only to realize your warmth is gone forever.
I'm trying to move forward through this awful grief, babe. But it's hard. I want to talk to you about it. Because you are who I went to with my problems. But you aren't here. I talk to Mario about it some. And he's fairly understanding. He knows we belonged together. I've talked to your sister a little bit. But her grief is so strong, too. She misses you. And she has regrets. I'm pushing away people who didn't know you. I'm not doing it on purpose. But I make them uncomfortable. They don't know how to deal with such incredible sadness. I tried reaching out to my mom, but that went terribly wrong. I love her, but I have to accept the fact that she will just continue to make things worse. So I'm done with that for now. I miss you so much baby. I need you. There are so many things I need to tell you. And so many things I need you to tell me. I need to hold you. I need to sleep against you. But I just don't get what I need right now.
I love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love someone who wasn't my child. Thanks for giving me that. Thanks for always loving me back, too. Even when I was a total pain. I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. Thanks for allowing me to believe that some people can be trusted to love you unconditionally no matter what.
I love you so much
Carla
One week ago today I was sitting in a coffee shop with Jon. I was trying not to cry while we talked about you. We were both still struggling to come to terms with everything. It was so weird being with Jon without you there. You should have been there with us baby. But instead we were talking about your memorial.
Today, for the first time since I found out, I woke up and wasn't crying. In my dream, I was actually able to read your text message. It didn't make sense, but I could read it. That's an improvement.
I spent a lot of time yesterday talking to people on a forum. I think it was good for me. These people understand a little bit more about what I'm going through. I'm so sad that they do. But it's comforting, too.
Baby, I am so angry at everyone. It took me completely by surprise. I'm angry at you for hurting Elliott, but I can't seem to be angry at you for hurting me, even though people say that's coming. I'm mainly angry at people I really have no business being angry at. And I would never voice it to them, because I get that I'm being irrational. But I just have so much anger inside right now. I'm so angry at people who got to marry their soulmates. I'm so jealous. I wanted that too! And I don't get to. I'm so angry at people who say they understand my pain, when they really have no idea. I want to lash out at them, but I know they're trying to help, so I just say thanks. But comparing the loss of a friend to the loss of my soulmate isn't fair. I really wanna scream and say "Did you sit in your dead "friend's" bathroom and cry until you hyperventilated when you started your period, because you realized you could never have his baby?? Because I did. Do you wake up so cold your teeth are chattering, and reach for the person who is supposed to be sleeping next to you, only to remember he's not there? Because I do. Please don't tell me you understand unless you've lost the love of your life, the person you were supposed to spend your life with."
I don't sleep in my bed. You're supposed to be there with me. I sleep on the couch. Or in the recliner. I know eventually I'm going to have to go back to sleeping in my bed. And maybe eventually the memories of you there will bring me comfort. But for now, they just hurt. I tried Sunday afternoon, but I haven't been back since then. In fact I don't think I've even stepped into the room since then. I still haven't figured out how to face it. Even on the couch I wake up reaching for you, trying to get closer to your warmth. Only to realize your warmth is gone forever.
I'm trying to move forward through this awful grief, babe. But it's hard. I want to talk to you about it. Because you are who I went to with my problems. But you aren't here. I talk to Mario about it some. And he's fairly understanding. He knows we belonged together. I've talked to your sister a little bit. But her grief is so strong, too. She misses you. And she has regrets. I'm pushing away people who didn't know you. I'm not doing it on purpose. But I make them uncomfortable. They don't know how to deal with such incredible sadness. I tried reaching out to my mom, but that went terribly wrong. I love her, but I have to accept the fact that she will just continue to make things worse. So I'm done with that for now. I miss you so much baby. I need you. There are so many things I need to tell you. And so many things I need you to tell me. I need to hold you. I need to sleep against you. But I just don't get what I need right now.
I love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love someone who wasn't my child. Thanks for giving me that. Thanks for always loving me back, too. Even when I was a total pain. I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. Thanks for allowing me to believe that some people can be trusted to love you unconditionally no matter what.
I love you so much
Carla
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Your Smell
Dear Christopher,
Good morning, baby. I miss you. How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me? It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.
I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me. I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now. I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead. But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.
People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams. But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them. I would rather see your face, baby. One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was. Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Why did we do it baby? We both knew it was a mistake.
I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday. He assured me I'm normal. But also told me I should really see a grief counselor. I called and left a message with her yesterday. I actually took that step myself. Proud of me baby? You know how much I hate making appointments...
Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched. It was hard, baby. Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?
I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died. You were so young baby. I wanted you at least 32 years more. I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have. I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough. But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too. I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college. And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good. Now the picture has changed. I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.
How do I live without you babe? I know I have to. But it's so hard. I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one. And he was mine for 113 glorious days. But he's gone now, and I must live without him.
The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more. My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again. It's funny how that works. By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway. But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.
I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you. Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me. Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely. I hope you always knew that.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Good morning, baby. I miss you. How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me? It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.
I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me. I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now. I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead. But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.
People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams. But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them. I would rather see your face, baby. One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was. Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Why did we do it baby? We both knew it was a mistake.
I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday. He assured me I'm normal. But also told me I should really see a grief counselor. I called and left a message with her yesterday. I actually took that step myself. Proud of me baby? You know how much I hate making appointments...
Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched. It was hard, baby. Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?
I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died. You were so young baby. I wanted you at least 32 years more. I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have. I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough. But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too. I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college. And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good. Now the picture has changed. I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.
How do I live without you babe? I know I have to. But it's so hard. I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one. And he was mine for 113 glorious days. But he's gone now, and I must live without him.
The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more. My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again. It's funny how that works. By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway. But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.
I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you. Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me. Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely. I hope you always knew that.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
So Cold And Alone
I wrote this one yesterday but it wouldn't publish in the morning, and then I forgot later.
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning handsome. How I miss sending you that text message every day and waiting for you to respond with "Good morning beautiful. How did you sleep?" The answer today is broken. I was up every hour or two. Reaching for you. It's so cold sleeping without you. I didn't even realize that until I was in your bed Friday night without you. Now I understand what you meant when you told me how cold it was without me when I left your house in September. I'm so cold I don't know if I'll ever be warm again.
Yesterday was a really bad day, baby. There was so much guilt and pain. We still have weeks until we get the toxicology report. And even then we won't know exactly what happened. But it might help.
J and I talked again yesterday. She said I need professional help. I already knew that, though. You knew she loved you, right? She is struggling with her own regrets. She's helping me through this though. I kinda wish she would blame me. I wish someone would. I know that's crazy. But I feel so much guilt and blame.
I love you so much baby. I would have helped you through anything if you had come to me with your problems. I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't see more. Hindsight is awful. All I ever wanted was to help you and give you a good life with me. I never wanted to fix you. You weren't broken. You were amazing just as you were. I just wanted to help you deal with stuff in a better way.
I'm still trying to figure out how to live without you. Each hour is a struggle. Sleep is a relief, but waking up alone is painful. You were much too young to die and leave me here alone. The love of your life isn't supposed to die at 32.
I keep reading things about grief. Trying to find my way through. And everything says the real pain hasn't even started yet. Baby, I feel like the pain's going to kill me already. How can I possibly get through anything worse? I'm physically sore. And I'm so exhausted.
I keep looking for a distraction. But all I want is to talk about you or what I'm going through. I'm pretty sure my friends will all leave me soon. I can't focus on anything else. But I need to work through this somehow. I'm so alone and empty.
I regret so much not taking more pictures of and with you. I know you hated your pics taken. But baby I need more. How do I scrapbook our life together with the handful of pics I have of you?
I love you so very much, with everything inside of me.
Carla
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning handsome. How I miss sending you that text message every day and waiting for you to respond with "Good morning beautiful. How did you sleep?" The answer today is broken. I was up every hour or two. Reaching for you. It's so cold sleeping without you. I didn't even realize that until I was in your bed Friday night without you. Now I understand what you meant when you told me how cold it was without me when I left your house in September. I'm so cold I don't know if I'll ever be warm again.
Yesterday was a really bad day, baby. There was so much guilt and pain. We still have weeks until we get the toxicology report. And even then we won't know exactly what happened. But it might help.
J and I talked again yesterday. She said I need professional help. I already knew that, though. You knew she loved you, right? She is struggling with her own regrets. She's helping me through this though. I kinda wish she would blame me. I wish someone would. I know that's crazy. But I feel so much guilt and blame.
I love you so much baby. I would have helped you through anything if you had come to me with your problems. I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't see more. Hindsight is awful. All I ever wanted was to help you and give you a good life with me. I never wanted to fix you. You weren't broken. You were amazing just as you were. I just wanted to help you deal with stuff in a better way.
I'm still trying to figure out how to live without you. Each hour is a struggle. Sleep is a relief, but waking up alone is painful. You were much too young to die and leave me here alone. The love of your life isn't supposed to die at 32.
I keep reading things about grief. Trying to find my way through. And everything says the real pain hasn't even started yet. Baby, I feel like the pain's going to kill me already. How can I possibly get through anything worse? I'm physically sore. And I'm so exhausted.
I keep looking for a distraction. But all I want is to talk about you or what I'm going through. I'm pretty sure my friends will all leave me soon. I can't focus on anything else. But I need to work through this somehow. I'm so alone and empty.
I regret so much not taking more pictures of and with you. I know you hated your pics taken. But baby I need more. How do I scrapbook our life together with the handful of pics I have of you?
I love you so very much, with everything inside of me.
Carla
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Home, Without You
Dear Christopher,
I'm back at my own house now. I honestly thought the next time I went to to Michigan I would be bringing you back to me for good. How do I live like this? Knowing you are supposed to be with me, but can't be? I laid in my bed today and cried. I have a feeling that's the new normal. It's just hard. I look at your side of the bed, and think about the way you looked lying next to me. I move my arm and pretend I can reach you and sleep with my hand on your side like I always did when we were together. I roll away and face the other side and imagine you'll scoot closer so you can feel my warmth like before. But the bed is cold and empty. Trixie curls up next to me and I laugh. I am surprised by the laughter. But it reminds me of you putting the pillow in the floor and telling her that was her bed. And the look on her face as she jumped up onto YOUR side of the bed.
It's been a week since I last heard your voice. The hardest week of my life. I love you. And I miss you. I'm still not sure how to do this without you. I went to church today. I tried to pay attention, but it was kinda hard. My church family is still praying for me. And your family. That's comforting. I hope they remember to pray for Elliott, too.
Elliott's struggling, baby. He's trying to be strong for me. But he misses you. You were important to him. Remember how he always said you were his favorite grown up besides family? It's hard. He thought you were moving in with us. And even though he didn't want us to get married, he wanted you to be with us. I don't even know how to help him. I can barely help myself.
I know you can see me now, or you can't see this letter anyway. But I finally ate something today. It's awful and I'm miserable. But I'm trying. I slept for about 2 hours this morning when I got home, and another 1.5 this afternoon. I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep more than that again.
I talked to J today. I wrote her an entire book on facebook messenger. Unlike her brother, she appreciated it! Ha. She misses you, too, Christopher. It was nice talking to her. I told her some stuff about our relationship. I just needed her to know how much I love you. She told me thanks for loving you. Like I could help but love you. You were my everything. She's lovely, though. And I really hope I can get to know her better. I always thought I would have the chance when we were sisters in law. Now that won't ever happen, but maybe we can still be friends. After all, we both love the most amazing man I've ever known.
I'm struggling with so much right now. Your memorial was so hard. I didn't know anyone besides your mom. But it was comforting talking to other people who loved you. And hearing from Mario how you talked about me was incredible. I'm so glad that you told someone else how you wanted to be with me, because I made you so happy. To be honest, I was beginning to think it was all in my head. I always thought I loved you more than you loved me, but was ok with that. But the confirmation that you loved me AND told others about me was exactly what I needed.
Baby, I keep thinking about everything I did wrong, and what I could have done better and differently. I know I can't change anything, and I'm just beating myself up, but I can't help it. I hope you always knew I was doing the best I could. I love you so much. I'm so empty without you. Everyone keeps telling me time will heal it, but when every minute hurts, I don't know how to cope with that. How much time will it take? Will I even survive it? Some times the pain is so intense that I don't think I can ever get better. And then I'll go numb for a little bit. Or I'll think of something about you that makes me laugh. The sadness can't possibly stick 24/7 and I am so thankful for that.
I feel like no one really gets what I'm going through. But I know that's my fault. I know I was the one that wanted to keep our relationship secret a little longer. I was an idiot, baby, I'm sorry. I wish now that we had told the entire world. I would be so proud to announce loudly to everyone while holding your hand "He's mine! We belong together forever." I'm so sorry I was too stupid to see that before. I hope you never felt like it was because I was ashamed of you. That was certainly never the case. I was just ashamed of myself. And my weakness. And that I didn't tell people before that my marriage had failed. But Christopher I was always proud to be your girlfriend. I hope you know that. Being your girlfriend was amazing. And when you referred to me as your future wife, or talked about getting married, I was ecstatic.
I love you more than I ever thought I possibly could. Thanks for sharing your life with me baby, and keeping your promise to love me all your life. I just wish it had been longer.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
I'm back at my own house now. I honestly thought the next time I went to to Michigan I would be bringing you back to me for good. How do I live like this? Knowing you are supposed to be with me, but can't be? I laid in my bed today and cried. I have a feeling that's the new normal. It's just hard. I look at your side of the bed, and think about the way you looked lying next to me. I move my arm and pretend I can reach you and sleep with my hand on your side like I always did when we were together. I roll away and face the other side and imagine you'll scoot closer so you can feel my warmth like before. But the bed is cold and empty. Trixie curls up next to me and I laugh. I am surprised by the laughter. But it reminds me of you putting the pillow in the floor and telling her that was her bed. And the look on her face as she jumped up onto YOUR side of the bed.
It's been a week since I last heard your voice. The hardest week of my life. I love you. And I miss you. I'm still not sure how to do this without you. I went to church today. I tried to pay attention, but it was kinda hard. My church family is still praying for me. And your family. That's comforting. I hope they remember to pray for Elliott, too.
Elliott's struggling, baby. He's trying to be strong for me. But he misses you. You were important to him. Remember how he always said you were his favorite grown up besides family? It's hard. He thought you were moving in with us. And even though he didn't want us to get married, he wanted you to be with us. I don't even know how to help him. I can barely help myself.
I know you can see me now, or you can't see this letter anyway. But I finally ate something today. It's awful and I'm miserable. But I'm trying. I slept for about 2 hours this morning when I got home, and another 1.5 this afternoon. I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep more than that again.
I talked to J today. I wrote her an entire book on facebook messenger. Unlike her brother, she appreciated it! Ha. She misses you, too, Christopher. It was nice talking to her. I told her some stuff about our relationship. I just needed her to know how much I love you. She told me thanks for loving you. Like I could help but love you. You were my everything. She's lovely, though. And I really hope I can get to know her better. I always thought I would have the chance when we were sisters in law. Now that won't ever happen, but maybe we can still be friends. After all, we both love the most amazing man I've ever known.
I'm struggling with so much right now. Your memorial was so hard. I didn't know anyone besides your mom. But it was comforting talking to other people who loved you. And hearing from Mario how you talked about me was incredible. I'm so glad that you told someone else how you wanted to be with me, because I made you so happy. To be honest, I was beginning to think it was all in my head. I always thought I loved you more than you loved me, but was ok with that. But the confirmation that you loved me AND told others about me was exactly what I needed.
Baby, I keep thinking about everything I did wrong, and what I could have done better and differently. I know I can't change anything, and I'm just beating myself up, but I can't help it. I hope you always knew I was doing the best I could. I love you so much. I'm so empty without you. Everyone keeps telling me time will heal it, but when every minute hurts, I don't know how to cope with that. How much time will it take? Will I even survive it? Some times the pain is so intense that I don't think I can ever get better. And then I'll go numb for a little bit. Or I'll think of something about you that makes me laugh. The sadness can't possibly stick 24/7 and I am so thankful for that.
I feel like no one really gets what I'm going through. But I know that's my fault. I know I was the one that wanted to keep our relationship secret a little longer. I was an idiot, baby, I'm sorry. I wish now that we had told the entire world. I would be so proud to announce loudly to everyone while holding your hand "He's mine! We belong together forever." I'm so sorry I was too stupid to see that before. I hope you never felt like it was because I was ashamed of you. That was certainly never the case. I was just ashamed of myself. And my weakness. And that I didn't tell people before that my marriage had failed. But Christopher I was always proud to be your girlfriend. I hope you know that. Being your girlfriend was amazing. And when you referred to me as your future wife, or talked about getting married, I was ecstatic.
I love you more than I ever thought I possibly could. Thanks for sharing your life with me baby, and keeping your promise to love me all your life. I just wish it had been longer.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Saturday, November 14, 2015
One Last Night
Dearest Christopher,
I thought the hardest day of my life was the day I find out you were gone. Turns out I was wrong. It was just the first incredibly painful day of many I'm sure.
I got to sleep in your bed one last time last night. I slept wrapped up in things that smelled like you, holding your shirt you were wearing in the first picture you ever sent to me. I slept better than I had since you left my house last month. But, oh the pain, this morning! Waking up alone in your bed! I don't know how to wake up without you every morning for the rest of my life.
I got to meet some important people to you last night and I am so thankful for that. It was nice to see how important you were to so many people. I'm sorry that I was such a crybaby at your memorial. I know it's something you would have made fun of me for. But I just don't know how to not cry anymore.
I never ever doubted you loved me. But talking to Mario last night confirmed to me that your love for me was great. It was so comforting hearing him say how much you talked about me and how much you wanted to be with me in North Dakota.
I know you hate the backstreet boys, but the opening lines of one of their songs just keeps playing through my head. The rest of the song doesn't apply but it does. "It's not that I can't live without you. It's just that I don't even want to try. Every night I dream about you. Ever since the day we said goodbye." Later on it says..."Because your love is so amazing. Baby you're the best thing in my life."
The truth is, I don't even know how to begin to live without you. You were only mine for 113 days, but those were the best days of my life. I got you for less than 1% of your days. I wanted you for over 50%.
Today I leave Michigan. I don't know if I'll ever be back. It's so hard being here without you. But it's also comforting because it's where you were. I see you everywhere. I feel you here with me. I looked around for you at Walmart last night before I remembered you weren't with me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy without you. You always said you needed me, but I didn't need you, I only wanted you. Turns out you were wrong. I need you so much.
I know you didn't leave me on purpose, and you wanted to be with me. And I know in my heart that you belonged to me. Not because I wanted to own you, but because you wanted to belong to me. I think that's my problem now. The heart that belongs to me is no longer beating. And the heart in my chest can't figure out how to beat without its owner here on earth.
I am so thankful I got the opportunity to meet you. Our time together was way too short, but it was incredible. In the darkest hours I've wondered why I ever even got to meet you, just for you to be taken back away from me. But I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for the world. I know the intense pain will last much longer than the 113 days of joy I had, but it's so worth it.
Thank you for loving me no matter what.
Carla
I thought the hardest day of my life was the day I find out you were gone. Turns out I was wrong. It was just the first incredibly painful day of many I'm sure.
I got to sleep in your bed one last time last night. I slept wrapped up in things that smelled like you, holding your shirt you were wearing in the first picture you ever sent to me. I slept better than I had since you left my house last month. But, oh the pain, this morning! Waking up alone in your bed! I don't know how to wake up without you every morning for the rest of my life.
I got to meet some important people to you last night and I am so thankful for that. It was nice to see how important you were to so many people. I'm sorry that I was such a crybaby at your memorial. I know it's something you would have made fun of me for. But I just don't know how to not cry anymore.
I never ever doubted you loved me. But talking to Mario last night confirmed to me that your love for me was great. It was so comforting hearing him say how much you talked about me and how much you wanted to be with me in North Dakota.
I know you hate the backstreet boys, but the opening lines of one of their songs just keeps playing through my head. The rest of the song doesn't apply but it does. "It's not that I can't live without you. It's just that I don't even want to try. Every night I dream about you. Ever since the day we said goodbye." Later on it says..."Because your love is so amazing. Baby you're the best thing in my life."
The truth is, I don't even know how to begin to live without you. You were only mine for 113 days, but those were the best days of my life. I got you for less than 1% of your days. I wanted you for over 50%.
Today I leave Michigan. I don't know if I'll ever be back. It's so hard being here without you. But it's also comforting because it's where you were. I see you everywhere. I feel you here with me. I looked around for you at Walmart last night before I remembered you weren't with me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy without you. You always said you needed me, but I didn't need you, I only wanted you. Turns out you were wrong. I need you so much.
I know you didn't leave me on purpose, and you wanted to be with me. And I know in my heart that you belonged to me. Not because I wanted to own you, but because you wanted to belong to me. I think that's my problem now. The heart that belongs to me is no longer beating. And the heart in my chest can't figure out how to beat without its owner here on earth.
I am so thankful I got the opportunity to meet you. Our time together was way too short, but it was incredible. In the darkest hours I've wondered why I ever even got to meet you, just for you to be taken back away from me. But I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for the world. I know the intense pain will last much longer than the 113 days of joy I had, but it's so worth it.
Thank you for loving me no matter what.
Carla
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Rest Stop
I'm sitting at a rest stop in Minnesota. Don't ask me how long I've been here, or when I might leave. I honestly have no idea on either count. I just needed a break for a few minutes.
Chris's funeral is tomorrow. I've driven 450 miles and have another 650 to go. I don't think I'll stop and sleep. I don't think I could sleep if I tried.
I've been talking to one of his friends on Facebook. I feel such an overwhelming desire to reach out to people who loved him. I knew him for such a short amount of time that it sometimes feels like a dream. I need validation that it was real. That he was real. And he really was just as amazing as I know he was.
He felt like people didn't like him, but I don't see that at all. I know people always have nicer things to say after someone dies. But some of those people are genuinely grieving. I'm sure his family is devastated, although I haven't talked to any of them. His mom is the only one I've ever met, and I don't have her phone number. I'm not sure she would want to talk to me anyway though. But I know this has got to be so hard for her.
Chris's funeral is tomorrow. I've driven 450 miles and have another 650 to go. I don't think I'll stop and sleep. I don't think I could sleep if I tried.
I've been talking to one of his friends on Facebook. I feel such an overwhelming desire to reach out to people who loved him. I knew him for such a short amount of time that it sometimes feels like a dream. I need validation that it was real. That he was real. And he really was just as amazing as I know he was.
He felt like people didn't like him, but I don't see that at all. I know people always have nicer things to say after someone dies. But some of those people are genuinely grieving. I'm sure his family is devastated, although I haven't talked to any of them. His mom is the only one I've ever met, and I don't have her phone number. I'm not sure she would want to talk to me anyway though. But I know this has got to be so hard for her.
A Letter To Him
I wrote this letter to my best friend in the entire world about 12 hours after I found out about his death. It took me that long to process it well enough to put it in writing, but here it is. It's raw and it's painful. It's the exact words I handwrote on a piece of paper as I sat and cried.
Dearest Christopher,
I love you so very much. Knowing I will never hug you, or see you again is so hard. I don't know how to live without you. 113 days wasn't nearly enough time to spend with my soulmate. 113 days. That's all I had. I hope you knew how much I loved you during that time. And how much I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. I know we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, I just thought it would be far longer. This is so unfair. I love you so much and this is so hard for me. I don't even know who I am without you. I am so sorry I let you down. I should have tried harder. I should have made sure you were actually getting the help you needed. I knew you were in pain. I don't know why I thought I could be enough. I just loved you so much. But I know love isn't always enough. I tried so hard, though. Baby, I love you.
I don't know if you can see me now, but if you can, then you can see how much I loved you, and still do. And how sorry I am that I didn't get you the help you needed. I don't think you took your own life, but if you did, I don't blame you. I know you were in pain. I wish I could have helped more. The guilt is eating me alive. But I'll be strong. And I'll continue living because that's what you would have wanted. You'll always have a piece of me. I have to learn to live without it. But I'll always have a piece of you, too. And it's my favorite part of me. I hope if you can see me, I'll make you proud.
I love you with everything I am.
Carla
Dearest Christopher,
I love you so very much. Knowing I will never hug you, or see you again is so hard. I don't know how to live without you. 113 days wasn't nearly enough time to spend with my soulmate. 113 days. That's all I had. I hope you knew how much I loved you during that time. And how much I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. I know we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, I just thought it would be far longer. This is so unfair. I love you so much and this is so hard for me. I don't even know who I am without you. I am so sorry I let you down. I should have tried harder. I should have made sure you were actually getting the help you needed. I knew you were in pain. I don't know why I thought I could be enough. I just loved you so much. But I know love isn't always enough. I tried so hard, though. Baby, I love you.
I don't know if you can see me now, but if you can, then you can see how much I loved you, and still do. And how sorry I am that I didn't get you the help you needed. I don't think you took your own life, but if you did, I don't blame you. I know you were in pain. I wish I could have helped more. The guilt is eating me alive. But I'll be strong. And I'll continue living because that's what you would have wanted. You'll always have a piece of me. I have to learn to live without it. But I'll always have a piece of you, too. And it's my favorite part of me. I hope if you can see me, I'll make you proud.
I love you with everything I am.
Carla
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