Dearest Christopher,
Good morning handsome. I miss you. I have my first real therapy appointment today. I'm pretty nervous. I hope it will help. I need to talk to someone. I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry. I can't believe you did this to us! I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general. Because this really really sucks. I want you to come home!!
Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again. I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you. I hate that babe. I could not stop crying. How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe. I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher. This is so unfair. You were way too young to die and leave me here alone. And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already. How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??
I know our relationship was far from perfect. But I never wanted a perfect relationship. I wanted a real one, and I had that with you. Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together. When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you. And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either. But now I'm forced to live mine without you. And I just don't know how to do it.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Finally A Smile
Dearest Christopher,
This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always. But this morning there was a smile on my face. I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone. But I was smiling at some of my memories of you. The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it! I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha. It's always been one of my favorite memories. We were both so happy. It was the first night I was in Michigan.
Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary. I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me. But we were supposed to celebrate it. Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me. That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do. What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change. I will still love you forever.
Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret. Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And living without you sucks. When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep. But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time. And I always knew you would come back to me. You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me. And I always believed it was true. I was the best thing that ever happened to you. And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too. But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me. I still don't know how to survive.
I love you and I miss you so much
Carla
This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always. But this morning there was a smile on my face. I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone. But I was smiling at some of my memories of you. The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it! I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha. It's always been one of my favorite memories. We were both so happy. It was the first night I was in Michigan.
Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary. I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me. But we were supposed to celebrate it. Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me. That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do. What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change. I will still love you forever.
Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret. Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And living without you sucks. When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep. But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time. And I always knew you would come back to me. You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me. And I always believed it was true. I was the best thing that ever happened to you. And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too. But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me. I still don't know how to survive.
I love you and I miss you so much
Carla
Monday, November 30, 2015
Three Weeks Without You
Dearest Christopher,
Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath. I still don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be ok yet. Will I ever be ok again? Some days I think I might be. Other days I'm sure I won't be. I just miss you so much. I hurt all the time. I fake smiles and I laugh. But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes. Like in the one picture that everyone else likes. But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy. You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you. I'm still in love with you. But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy. I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you. And that you loved me back. But I'm so sad because it's over. I never wanted it to end.
I start grief counseling in two days. I hope it goes well. I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen. I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense. But they don't. And they never will. Because you aren't here. And you made sense. You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing. You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life. I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again. I didn't lie. I was there for the rest of your life. But why can't you be here for mine?? Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32?? Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else. But I don't want anyone else. I want YOU. And you left me!!
I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs. For months now that's been you. I can't go to sleep without thinking about you. And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare. And I can't wake up from it. You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time. It made me happy because I thought about you all the time, too. I still do. But now it makes me sad. Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here. I don't really blame you. I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope. I love you so much. I would have done anything for you. Anything at all. I hope you always knew that.
I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week. How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you? How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy? I just want you back. The pain I feel is unbearable. It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you. And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long. This is absolutely unbearable. I don't know how to live with this pain. All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby. I miss you so much. You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about. What do I do now? Who do I turn to? The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.
I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone. I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me. But I think it made things harder. I KNOW you still loved me. But I was so scared and hurt that last week. I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though. I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone. It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died. I hope you still know that it's true.
I love you so much baby
Carla
Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath. I still don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be ok yet. Will I ever be ok again? Some days I think I might be. Other days I'm sure I won't be. I just miss you so much. I hurt all the time. I fake smiles and I laugh. But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes. Like in the one picture that everyone else likes. But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy. You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you. I'm still in love with you. But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy. I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you. And that you loved me back. But I'm so sad because it's over. I never wanted it to end.
I start grief counseling in two days. I hope it goes well. I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen. I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense. But they don't. And they never will. Because you aren't here. And you made sense. You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing. You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life. I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again. I didn't lie. I was there for the rest of your life. But why can't you be here for mine?? Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32?? Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else. But I don't want anyone else. I want YOU. And you left me!!
I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs. For months now that's been you. I can't go to sleep without thinking about you. And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare. And I can't wake up from it. You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time. It made me happy because I thought about you all the time, too. I still do. But now it makes me sad. Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here. I don't really blame you. I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope. I love you so much. I would have done anything for you. Anything at all. I hope you always knew that.
I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week. How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you? How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy? I just want you back. The pain I feel is unbearable. It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you. And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long. This is absolutely unbearable. I don't know how to live with this pain. All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby. I miss you so much. You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about. What do I do now? Who do I turn to? The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.
I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone. I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me. But I think it made things harder. I KNOW you still loved me. But I was so scared and hurt that last week. I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though. I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone. It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died. I hope you still know that it's true.
I love you so much baby
Carla
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Sundays Are Awful
Dearest Christopher,
Sundays are hard. I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send. But it's still hard. 3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me. I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again. I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could. Just listening to you. I miss you so much baby. I need you here with me.
I love you Chris. I love you so very much. I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted. I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it. Why are you making me??? I was sure we would be together forever. I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine. And that sucks. It's unfair. I love you. And I want you here with me. I'm sorry if that makes me selfish. But I miss you. And I need you. I don't know who I even am without you.
Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done. When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok. I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me. If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me. But you never chose her, did you? You chose me. I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to. I was the one you promised to spend your life with. And I want to say thank you for that. But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you. It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile. Waking up next to you was amazing. Waking up alone is awful.
I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you. They say they're worried that I'm not myself. I don't even know who I am. How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me. I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok. I just miss you so much. I'd do almost anything to feel better again.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Sundays are hard. I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send. But it's still hard. 3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me. I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again. I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could. Just listening to you. I miss you so much baby. I need you here with me.
I love you Chris. I love you so very much. I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted. I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it. Why are you making me??? I was sure we would be together forever. I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine. And that sucks. It's unfair. I love you. And I want you here with me. I'm sorry if that makes me selfish. But I miss you. And I need you. I don't know who I even am without you.
Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done. When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok. I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me. If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me. But you never chose her, did you? You chose me. I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to. I was the one you promised to spend your life with. And I want to say thank you for that. But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you. It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile. Waking up next to you was amazing. Waking up alone is awful.
I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you. They say they're worried that I'm not myself. I don't even know who I am. How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me. I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok. I just miss you so much. I'd do almost anything to feel better again.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Lonely, Sad, and Missing You
Dear Christopher,
I'm lonely and sad today. I want to talk to you. I want to hear your voice, and your laugh. I want to hear you tell me you love me, and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. I want to touch you. I want to curl up halfway on top of you in my favorite position. But instead, I'll sit here and write you a letter and cry.
It's amazing some of the things I've learned about you since you died baby. Some of them I could have gone my whole life without knowing. Others I'm glad I learned. I'm not mad at you about anything I've learned. But I'm sad that you kept some of the secrets you did from me. I would have always loved you no matter what. I still will always love you no matter what. But some things would have been better coming from you.
I miss you so much I wonder if I'll ever fully heal. If it's even possible to heal from this much pain. You took so much of me with you. People tell me I should be angry with you for leaving me. And occasionally I am. But mainly I'm just sad. I'm so sad that you left me. I'm so sad that I couldn't save you. I think I might literally die from a broken heart. I hurt so bad.
Did you know that self destructive behavior is an especially common side effect in people who lost their life partner to a tragic death while in their 20's and 30's? I didn't realize it was, until I started living it. The self destructive thoughts are intense. I want relief from this sadness any way I can get it, though. It's so tough.
I've spent a lot of time lately wondering why you walked into my life and turned everything upside down. And I think about how unfair it is that I got you for such a short amount of time.You were mine baby. You were supposed to stay mine much longer, though. I wouldn't trade a single second I had you for anything. But it seems so unfair that I got you for such a short amount of time. And my pain will last much much longer than the joy.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
I'm lonely and sad today. I want to talk to you. I want to hear your voice, and your laugh. I want to hear you tell me you love me, and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. I want to touch you. I want to curl up halfway on top of you in my favorite position. But instead, I'll sit here and write you a letter and cry.
It's amazing some of the things I've learned about you since you died baby. Some of them I could have gone my whole life without knowing. Others I'm glad I learned. I'm not mad at you about anything I've learned. But I'm sad that you kept some of the secrets you did from me. I would have always loved you no matter what. I still will always love you no matter what. But some things would have been better coming from you.
I miss you so much I wonder if I'll ever fully heal. If it's even possible to heal from this much pain. You took so much of me with you. People tell me I should be angry with you for leaving me. And occasionally I am. But mainly I'm just sad. I'm so sad that you left me. I'm so sad that I couldn't save you. I think I might literally die from a broken heart. I hurt so bad.
Did you know that self destructive behavior is an especially common side effect in people who lost their life partner to a tragic death while in their 20's and 30's? I didn't realize it was, until I started living it. The self destructive thoughts are intense. I want relief from this sadness any way I can get it, though. It's so tough.
I've spent a lot of time lately wondering why you walked into my life and turned everything upside down. And I think about how unfair it is that I got you for such a short amount of time.You were mine baby. You were supposed to stay mine much longer, though. I wouldn't trade a single second I had you for anything. But it seems so unfair that I got you for such a short amount of time. And my pain will last much much longer than the joy.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
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