Dear Christopher,
I'm lonely and sad today. I want to talk to you. I want to hear your voice, and your laugh. I want to hear you tell me you love me, and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. I want to touch you. I want to curl up halfway on top of you in my favorite position. But instead, I'll sit here and write you a letter and cry.
It's amazing some of the things I've learned about you since you died baby. Some of them I could have gone my whole life without knowing. Others I'm glad I learned. I'm not mad at you about anything I've learned. But I'm sad that you kept some of the secrets you did from me. I would have always loved you no matter what. I still will always love you no matter what. But some things would have been better coming from you.
I miss you so much I wonder if I'll ever fully heal. If it's even possible to heal from this much pain. You took so much of me with you. People tell me I should be angry with you for leaving me. And occasionally I am. But mainly I'm just sad. I'm so sad that you left me. I'm so sad that I couldn't save you. I think I might literally die from a broken heart. I hurt so bad.
Did you know that self destructive behavior is an especially common side effect in people who lost their life partner to a tragic death while in their 20's and 30's? I didn't realize it was, until I started living it. The self destructive thoughts are intense. I want relief from this sadness any way I can get it, though. It's so tough.
I've spent a lot of time lately wondering why you walked into my life and turned everything upside down. And I think about how unfair it is that I got you for such a short amount of time.You were mine baby. You were supposed to stay mine much longer, though. I wouldn't trade a single second I had you for anything. But it seems so unfair that I got you for such a short amount of time. And my pain will last much much longer than the joy.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
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