Sundays Are Awful

Dearest Christopher,

Sundays are hard.  I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send.  But it's still hard.  3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me.  I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again.  I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could.  Just listening to you.  I miss you so much baby.  I need you here with me.

I love you Chris. I love you so very much.  I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted.  I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it.  Why are you making me???  I was sure we would be together forever.  I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine.  And that sucks.  It's unfair.  I love you.  And I want you here with me.  I'm sorry if that makes me selfish.  But I miss you. And I need you.  I don't know who I even am without you.

Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done.  When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok.  I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me.  If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me.  But you never chose her, did you?  You chose me.  I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to.  I was the one you promised to spend your life with.  And I want to say thank you for that.  But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you.  It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile.  Waking up next to you was amazing.  Waking up alone is awful.

I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you.  They say they're worried that I'm not myself.  I don't even know who I am.  How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me.  I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok.  I just miss you so much.  I'd do almost anything to feel better again.

I love you so much it hurts

Carla