Dearest Christopher,
It's almost 4 am and I can't sleep. I miss you so much and I can't stop crying. I wonder if the pain will ever go away. I don't think it ever will. As long as I'm alive, I'll love and miss you. I don't know how to live without you. But I'm trying, baby. Believe me, I'm trying.
I've been on pinterest looking at quotes. I know you thought I spent too much time looking at quotes but sometimes it makes me feel better to realize that other people are going through what I'm going through. I know there are a lot of sad people out there. And I'm sad for them. But I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
Ironically I read a quote at 3:41 (4:41 in Michigan) that said "It's 4:41 am, I wish I was pressed against your chest listening to your heartbeat instead of the rain." And that's the kind of thing I would have sent you while you were alive. Because I missed you so much anytime we were apart. But now that you're gone, it's even more meaningful. I would give up almost anything to be in your arms right now.
I miss you so much that it physically hurts me baby. I don't know to do this. I know I say that a lot. But it's true. I miss you. And I need you. I love you so much. I don't ever want to stop loving you, but I wish it would become less painful.
Every single day I think of something else I should have tried to save you. And every day I realize that I didn't try hard enough to save you. I hope you realized that I was doing the best I knew how to do though. I love you. And if love alone would have been enough, you'd still be here. My love for you is strong, deep, and complete. You used to say it was scary. It wasn't when you were alive. But sometimes it is now. Because you aren't here. And it feels like there's nowhere for it to go.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Showing posts with label living without you. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living without you. Show all posts
Friday, December 4, 2015
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Therapy Today
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning handsome. I miss you. I have my first real therapy appointment today. I'm pretty nervous. I hope it will help. I need to talk to someone. I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry. I can't believe you did this to us! I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general. Because this really really sucks. I want you to come home!!
Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again. I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you. I hate that babe. I could not stop crying. How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe. I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher. This is so unfair. You were way too young to die and leave me here alone. And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already. How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??
I know our relationship was far from perfect. But I never wanted a perfect relationship. I wanted a real one, and I had that with you. Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together. When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you. And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either. But now I'm forced to live mine without you. And I just don't know how to do it.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Good morning handsome. I miss you. I have my first real therapy appointment today. I'm pretty nervous. I hope it will help. I need to talk to someone. I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry. I can't believe you did this to us! I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general. Because this really really sucks. I want you to come home!!
Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again. I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you. I hate that babe. I could not stop crying. How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe. I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher. This is so unfair. You were way too young to die and leave me here alone. And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already. How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??
I know our relationship was far from perfect. But I never wanted a perfect relationship. I wanted a real one, and I had that with you. Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together. When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you. And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either. But now I'm forced to live mine without you. And I just don't know how to do it.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Finally A Smile
Dearest Christopher,
This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always. But this morning there was a smile on my face. I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone. But I was smiling at some of my memories of you. The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it! I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha. It's always been one of my favorite memories. We were both so happy. It was the first night I was in Michigan.
Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary. I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me. But we were supposed to celebrate it. Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me. That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do. What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change. I will still love you forever.
Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret. Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And living without you sucks. When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep. But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time. And I always knew you would come back to me. You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me. And I always believed it was true. I was the best thing that ever happened to you. And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too. But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me. I still don't know how to survive.
I love you and I miss you so much
Carla
This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always. But this morning there was a smile on my face. I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone. But I was smiling at some of my memories of you. The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it! I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha. It's always been one of my favorite memories. We were both so happy. It was the first night I was in Michigan.
Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary. I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me. But we were supposed to celebrate it. Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me. That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do. What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change. I will still love you forever.
Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret. Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And living without you sucks. When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep. But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time. And I always knew you would come back to me. You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me. And I always believed it was true. I was the best thing that ever happened to you. And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too. But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me. I still don't know how to survive.
I love you and I miss you so much
Carla
Monday, November 30, 2015
Three Weeks Without You
Dearest Christopher,
Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath. I still don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be ok yet. Will I ever be ok again? Some days I think I might be. Other days I'm sure I won't be. I just miss you so much. I hurt all the time. I fake smiles and I laugh. But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes. Like in the one picture that everyone else likes. But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy. You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you. I'm still in love with you. But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy. I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you. And that you loved me back. But I'm so sad because it's over. I never wanted it to end.
I start grief counseling in two days. I hope it goes well. I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen. I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense. But they don't. And they never will. Because you aren't here. And you made sense. You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing. You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life. I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again. I didn't lie. I was there for the rest of your life. But why can't you be here for mine?? Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32?? Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else. But I don't want anyone else. I want YOU. And you left me!!
I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs. For months now that's been you. I can't go to sleep without thinking about you. And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare. And I can't wake up from it. You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time. It made me happy because I thought about you all the time, too. I still do. But now it makes me sad. Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here. I don't really blame you. I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope. I love you so much. I would have done anything for you. Anything at all. I hope you always knew that.
I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week. How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you? How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy? I just want you back. The pain I feel is unbearable. It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you. And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long. This is absolutely unbearable. I don't know how to live with this pain. All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby. I miss you so much. You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about. What do I do now? Who do I turn to? The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.
I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone. I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me. But I think it made things harder. I KNOW you still loved me. But I was so scared and hurt that last week. I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though. I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone. It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died. I hope you still know that it's true.
I love you so much baby
Carla
Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath. I still don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be ok yet. Will I ever be ok again? Some days I think I might be. Other days I'm sure I won't be. I just miss you so much. I hurt all the time. I fake smiles and I laugh. But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes. Like in the one picture that everyone else likes. But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy. You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you. I'm still in love with you. But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy. I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you. And that you loved me back. But I'm so sad because it's over. I never wanted it to end.
I start grief counseling in two days. I hope it goes well. I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen. I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense. But they don't. And they never will. Because you aren't here. And you made sense. You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing. You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life. I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again. I didn't lie. I was there for the rest of your life. But why can't you be here for mine?? Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32?? Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else. But I don't want anyone else. I want YOU. And you left me!!
I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs. For months now that's been you. I can't go to sleep without thinking about you. And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare. And I can't wake up from it. You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time. It made me happy because I thought about you all the time, too. I still do. But now it makes me sad. Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here. I don't really blame you. I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope. I love you so much. I would have done anything for you. Anything at all. I hope you always knew that.
I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week. How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you? How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy? I just want you back. The pain I feel is unbearable. It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you. And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long. This is absolutely unbearable. I don't know how to live with this pain. All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby. I miss you so much. You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about. What do I do now? Who do I turn to? The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.
I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone. I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me. But I think it made things harder. I KNOW you still loved me. But I was so scared and hurt that last week. I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though. I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone. It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died. I hope you still know that it's true.
I love you so much baby
Carla
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Sundays Are Awful
Dearest Christopher,
Sundays are hard. I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send. But it's still hard. 3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me. I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again. I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could. Just listening to you. I miss you so much baby. I need you here with me.
I love you Chris. I love you so very much. I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted. I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it. Why are you making me??? I was sure we would be together forever. I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine. And that sucks. It's unfair. I love you. And I want you here with me. I'm sorry if that makes me selfish. But I miss you. And I need you. I don't know who I even am without you.
Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done. When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok. I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me. If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me. But you never chose her, did you? You chose me. I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to. I was the one you promised to spend your life with. And I want to say thank you for that. But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you. It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile. Waking up next to you was amazing. Waking up alone is awful.
I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you. They say they're worried that I'm not myself. I don't even know who I am. How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me. I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok. I just miss you so much. I'd do almost anything to feel better again.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Sundays are hard. I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send. But it's still hard. 3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me. I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again. I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could. Just listening to you. I miss you so much baby. I need you here with me.
I love you Chris. I love you so very much. I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted. I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it. Why are you making me??? I was sure we would be together forever. I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine. And that sucks. It's unfair. I love you. And I want you here with me. I'm sorry if that makes me selfish. But I miss you. And I need you. I don't know who I even am without you.
Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done. When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok. I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me. If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me. But you never chose her, did you? You chose me. I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to. I was the one you promised to spend your life with. And I want to say thank you for that. But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you. It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile. Waking up next to you was amazing. Waking up alone is awful.
I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you. They say they're worried that I'm not myself. I don't even know who I am. How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me. I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok. I just miss you so much. I'd do almost anything to feel better again.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Saturday, November 28, 2015
it's So Hard Without You
Dearest Christopher,
I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone. Your sister once said it was hard to love you. It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now. It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore. You were mine. You belonged with me. And you took so much of me when you left. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house. And I'm still terrified about leaving my house. I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it. I don't even want to do those things really. I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie. But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house. And that's scary.
I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday. I'm really nervous, but I know I need it. I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it. And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time. I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much and I always did.
It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out. Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year. I hate it that it won't be there. I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year. But I can't, because of Elliott. Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.
I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.
Carla
I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone. Your sister once said it was hard to love you. It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now. It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore. You were mine. You belonged with me. And you took so much of me when you left. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house. And I'm still terrified about leaving my house. I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it. I don't even want to do those things really. I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie. But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house. And that's scary.
I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday. I'm really nervous, but I know I need it. I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it. And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time. I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much and I always did.
It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out. Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year. I hate it that it won't be there. I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year. But I can't, because of Elliott. Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.
I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.
Carla
Friday, November 27, 2015
Black Friday
Dearest Christopher,
I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was. Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping. I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg. You said it might even be fun.
I'm at home. And I can't even seem to do it online. Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now. And I have to do this. Without you. You treated me too well. You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do. Until the 9th, when you left me. Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do. Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.
I put on this happy face every single day. I don't want people to worry about me. But inside I feel so dead. I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard. I miss you. I miss being happy. People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now. They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.
I just miss you. And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day. But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.
Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.
Carla
I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was. Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping. I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg. You said it might even be fun.
I'm at home. And I can't even seem to do it online. Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now. And I have to do this. Without you. You treated me too well. You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do. Until the 9th, when you left me. Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do. Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.
I put on this happy face every single day. I don't want people to worry about me. But inside I feel so dead. I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard. I miss you. I miss being happy. People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now. They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.
I just miss you. And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day. But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.
Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.
Carla
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
You're My Best Friend
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning baby. I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself. And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse. You belong here with me. And I miss you. You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.
I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard. You're still the only friend I want to talk to. Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California. She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you. I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel. But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried. She had a lovely post about him on Facebook. I cried like a baby. Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard. I just want you back baby. But I know I can't have you.
You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to. But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would. I just want to be held by you. I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping. I miss you so much.
I love you and miss you so much it hurts.
Carla
Good morning baby. I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself. And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse. You belong here with me. And I miss you. You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.
I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard. You're still the only friend I want to talk to. Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California. She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you. I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel. But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried. She had a lovely post about him on Facebook. I cried like a baby. Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard. I just want you back baby. But I know I can't have you.
You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to. But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would. I just want to be held by you. I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping. I miss you so much.
I love you and miss you so much it hurts.
Carla
Monday, November 23, 2015
Two Weeks
Dear Christopher,
Mornings are definitely the hardest part of the day these days. Waking up without you is terrible. I woke up because of a text message this morning, but of course it wasn't you. So I cried. I would give anything to wake up next to you one more time babe. I miss you and love you so much.
I sent you a message once that said in French they don't say I miss you, they say you're missing from me. At the time I meant because you were a thousand miles away. Now you really are missing from me. And I struggle to handle that. I am so in love with you.
It's been two weeks since you died. The two most awful weeks in my existence. I told you before I had been through some rough stuff. And you know I had. But none of that was anything like this.
People are ready for me to move on. Guys are asking me out again. I just want friends, though, baby. But I need someone. Besides Elliott, Jon was the last one to really hug me. And that was over a week ago. I needed to be hugged. You always thought it was weird how much physical touch I needed. I need it even more now. Just a long hug.
It's almost thanksgiving. I'm trying to remember to be thankful for everything I have. But the grief for everything I lost is intense. I miss you. I miss the plans I had with you for the future. I miss everything about you. If I could have you back, I'd do anything in my power to keep you with me forever. I love you so much.
I talked to your mom a little yesterday. She's struggling of course. I wish I could do something to help her. I'm praying for her though. As bad as this is for me, I can't imagine how it is for her.
I love you more than I ever thought possible.
Carla
Mornings are definitely the hardest part of the day these days. Waking up without you is terrible. I woke up because of a text message this morning, but of course it wasn't you. So I cried. I would give anything to wake up next to you one more time babe. I miss you and love you so much.
I sent you a message once that said in French they don't say I miss you, they say you're missing from me. At the time I meant because you were a thousand miles away. Now you really are missing from me. And I struggle to handle that. I am so in love with you.
It's been two weeks since you died. The two most awful weeks in my existence. I told you before I had been through some rough stuff. And you know I had. But none of that was anything like this.
People are ready for me to move on. Guys are asking me out again. I just want friends, though, baby. But I need someone. Besides Elliott, Jon was the last one to really hug me. And that was over a week ago. I needed to be hugged. You always thought it was weird how much physical touch I needed. I need it even more now. Just a long hug.
It's almost thanksgiving. I'm trying to remember to be thankful for everything I have. But the grief for everything I lost is intense. I miss you. I miss the plans I had with you for the future. I miss everything about you. If I could have you back, I'd do anything in my power to keep you with me forever. I love you so much.
I talked to your mom a little yesterday. She's struggling of course. I wish I could do something to help her. I'm praying for her though. As bad as this is for me, I can't imagine how it is for her.
I love you more than I ever thought possible.
Carla
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
You Were Mine
Dearest Christopher,
I keep thinking "the hardest thing about this is..." but to tell the truth, the hardest thing about this is simply knowing I have to live without you. When all I want to do is see your face again. And hold you. I would give anything to be curled up against you right now. I love you so much. And it's so sad and lonely without you. I wake up crying and shaking. I go to sleep crying. I don't even realize that I'm crying as I am just sitting, thinking of nothing.
A week ago today was the day my entire life fell to pieces. It was the day I got the text message saying you were gone. I already knew something was up. Then panic attack I had last Tuesday was too intense for everything to be ok. But the confirmation on Wednesday that it was my worst nightmare was awful. I thought it was the worst day of my entire life. Now I'm not so sure. There are a lot of "worst days" now.
People are starting to tell me it's time to return to my life. And quit wallowing in sadness. I know that it's my fault baby, because we never told them all you were my soulmate. But it's HARD hearing that. YOU were my future. Without you, I'm so empty. What life am I supposed to be returning to? I'm trying to be ok for Elliott. But really I just want to fall to pieces and never stop.
I have an appointment today at 2 to talk to a behavioral specialist. I have no idea what to expect. I just know I miss you. And this pain is so intense.
You were right, babe. I talk to a bunch of sick freaks online. People are already asking me when I'll be ready for another relationship. I thought these people were my friends. Why aren't they giving me time to grieve you first? They think it's funny when I say I might be ready in a year. But baby, how do I move on when I had my soulmate? And he's gone.
I'm so needy right now, baby. I'm basically begging for reassurance that I was the one you chose. I'm struggling so much with the fact that SHE keeps signing your guestbook and saying how much she loves and misses you. I believed you when you said you guys were just friends now. And friends assure me I was the one you loved, but man, it's hard. It's hard seeing someone else say how much they love the love of MY life. And to imply that they feel the same way without you that I do. You were MINE Christopher!! You gave your heart to me. You promised a life with ME! I have your stuff all over my house, still waiting for you to come back. I met your friends, I met your family. I slept curled up against you. I know she did none of those things. But why is she still doing this? I think maybe she doesn't know about me, and that hurts. But I have to let it go. And rest in the fact that I was your choice. And your friends all agree. You loved ME. You wanted to spend your life with ME. You were going to marry ME. And that's enough. Because I feel the exact same way about you. You still have my heart. I still love you more than ever. I still want a life with you, even though I can't have it.
Baby, I miss you and I need you. I keep telling everyone I'm not ok. But I don't know how to describe it any more than that. How am I supposed to be ok, when my entire world came crashing down around me? How am I supposed to be ok, knowing that the man I promised to spend my life with is gone? It kills me that we never officially got engaged. You asked me four times, but always said it wasn't official yet. That kills me. Because now I never get to be your wife, or even your fiance. And when I say my boyfriend died suddenly, that's somehow something I'm supposed to recover from quickly, where a fiance or spouse is allowed to take all the time they need. I need time, too. You were mine in every way that mattered baby. Just not legally.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
I keep thinking "the hardest thing about this is..." but to tell the truth, the hardest thing about this is simply knowing I have to live without you. When all I want to do is see your face again. And hold you. I would give anything to be curled up against you right now. I love you so much. And it's so sad and lonely without you. I wake up crying and shaking. I go to sleep crying. I don't even realize that I'm crying as I am just sitting, thinking of nothing.
A week ago today was the day my entire life fell to pieces. It was the day I got the text message saying you were gone. I already knew something was up. Then panic attack I had last Tuesday was too intense for everything to be ok. But the confirmation on Wednesday that it was my worst nightmare was awful. I thought it was the worst day of my entire life. Now I'm not so sure. There are a lot of "worst days" now.
People are starting to tell me it's time to return to my life. And quit wallowing in sadness. I know that it's my fault baby, because we never told them all you were my soulmate. But it's HARD hearing that. YOU were my future. Without you, I'm so empty. What life am I supposed to be returning to? I'm trying to be ok for Elliott. But really I just want to fall to pieces and never stop.
I have an appointment today at 2 to talk to a behavioral specialist. I have no idea what to expect. I just know I miss you. And this pain is so intense.
You were right, babe. I talk to a bunch of sick freaks online. People are already asking me when I'll be ready for another relationship. I thought these people were my friends. Why aren't they giving me time to grieve you first? They think it's funny when I say I might be ready in a year. But baby, how do I move on when I had my soulmate? And he's gone.
I'm so needy right now, baby. I'm basically begging for reassurance that I was the one you chose. I'm struggling so much with the fact that SHE keeps signing your guestbook and saying how much she loves and misses you. I believed you when you said you guys were just friends now. And friends assure me I was the one you loved, but man, it's hard. It's hard seeing someone else say how much they love the love of MY life. And to imply that they feel the same way without you that I do. You were MINE Christopher!! You gave your heart to me. You promised a life with ME! I have your stuff all over my house, still waiting for you to come back. I met your friends, I met your family. I slept curled up against you. I know she did none of those things. But why is she still doing this? I think maybe she doesn't know about me, and that hurts. But I have to let it go. And rest in the fact that I was your choice. And your friends all agree. You loved ME. You wanted to spend your life with ME. You were going to marry ME. And that's enough. Because I feel the exact same way about you. You still have my heart. I still love you more than ever. I still want a life with you, even though I can't have it.
Baby, I miss you and I need you. I keep telling everyone I'm not ok. But I don't know how to describe it any more than that. How am I supposed to be ok, when my entire world came crashing down around me? How am I supposed to be ok, knowing that the man I promised to spend my life with is gone? It kills me that we never officially got engaged. You asked me four times, but always said it wasn't official yet. That kills me. Because now I never get to be your wife, or even your fiance. And when I say my boyfriend died suddenly, that's somehow something I'm supposed to recover from quickly, where a fiance or spouse is allowed to take all the time they need. I need time, too. You were mine in every way that mattered baby. Just not legally.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
So Cold And Alone
I wrote this one yesterday but it wouldn't publish in the morning, and then I forgot later.
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning handsome. How I miss sending you that text message every day and waiting for you to respond with "Good morning beautiful. How did you sleep?" The answer today is broken. I was up every hour or two. Reaching for you. It's so cold sleeping without you. I didn't even realize that until I was in your bed Friday night without you. Now I understand what you meant when you told me how cold it was without me when I left your house in September. I'm so cold I don't know if I'll ever be warm again.
Yesterday was a really bad day, baby. There was so much guilt and pain. We still have weeks until we get the toxicology report. And even then we won't know exactly what happened. But it might help.
J and I talked again yesterday. She said I need professional help. I already knew that, though. You knew she loved you, right? She is struggling with her own regrets. She's helping me through this though. I kinda wish she would blame me. I wish someone would. I know that's crazy. But I feel so much guilt and blame.
I love you so much baby. I would have helped you through anything if you had come to me with your problems. I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't see more. Hindsight is awful. All I ever wanted was to help you and give you a good life with me. I never wanted to fix you. You weren't broken. You were amazing just as you were. I just wanted to help you deal with stuff in a better way.
I'm still trying to figure out how to live without you. Each hour is a struggle. Sleep is a relief, but waking up alone is painful. You were much too young to die and leave me here alone. The love of your life isn't supposed to die at 32.
I keep reading things about grief. Trying to find my way through. And everything says the real pain hasn't even started yet. Baby, I feel like the pain's going to kill me already. How can I possibly get through anything worse? I'm physically sore. And I'm so exhausted.
I keep looking for a distraction. But all I want is to talk about you or what I'm going through. I'm pretty sure my friends will all leave me soon. I can't focus on anything else. But I need to work through this somehow. I'm so alone and empty.
I regret so much not taking more pictures of and with you. I know you hated your pics taken. But baby I need more. How do I scrapbook our life together with the handful of pics I have of you?
I love you so very much, with everything inside of me.
Carla
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning handsome. How I miss sending you that text message every day and waiting for you to respond with "Good morning beautiful. How did you sleep?" The answer today is broken. I was up every hour or two. Reaching for you. It's so cold sleeping without you. I didn't even realize that until I was in your bed Friday night without you. Now I understand what you meant when you told me how cold it was without me when I left your house in September. I'm so cold I don't know if I'll ever be warm again.
Yesterday was a really bad day, baby. There was so much guilt and pain. We still have weeks until we get the toxicology report. And even then we won't know exactly what happened. But it might help.
J and I talked again yesterday. She said I need professional help. I already knew that, though. You knew she loved you, right? She is struggling with her own regrets. She's helping me through this though. I kinda wish she would blame me. I wish someone would. I know that's crazy. But I feel so much guilt and blame.
I love you so much baby. I would have helped you through anything if you had come to me with your problems. I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't see more. Hindsight is awful. All I ever wanted was to help you and give you a good life with me. I never wanted to fix you. You weren't broken. You were amazing just as you were. I just wanted to help you deal with stuff in a better way.
I'm still trying to figure out how to live without you. Each hour is a struggle. Sleep is a relief, but waking up alone is painful. You were much too young to die and leave me here alone. The love of your life isn't supposed to die at 32.
I keep reading things about grief. Trying to find my way through. And everything says the real pain hasn't even started yet. Baby, I feel like the pain's going to kill me already. How can I possibly get through anything worse? I'm physically sore. And I'm so exhausted.
I keep looking for a distraction. But all I want is to talk about you or what I'm going through. I'm pretty sure my friends will all leave me soon. I can't focus on anything else. But I need to work through this somehow. I'm so alone and empty.
I regret so much not taking more pictures of and with you. I know you hated your pics taken. But baby I need more. How do I scrapbook our life together with the handful of pics I have of you?
I love you so very much, with everything inside of me.
Carla
Monday, November 16, 2015
A Week Without You
Dear Christopher,
It's 7 am and I've been up for an hour. I actually slept about 6 hours during the night last night. You know what am accomplishment that would have been for me, even before. I guess I don't care if I have nightmares when I sleep now, because I'm already living one I can't wake up from. Gosh, this is so hard. I miss you so much. And I NEED you so much.
I've been listening to the song "Goodbyes" by 3 Doors Down a lot lately. It was an accident the first time. I was just listening to 3 Doors Down because it reminded me of you. Remember listening to it in Chicago? It was one of the only bands you liked on my phone, so we listened to the entire album twice. Now I just listen to the one song, because it's perfect. "I look ahead, but can't move on. I look back but I can't stay. And I keep trying to be strong, but this pain, it won't go away. I hope this will heal in time. Cause I can't go on like this. Right now I would give my life for one last kiss."
People ask me whether I'm going home for Christmas. To be honest, I can barely focus on today. The idea of celebrating Christmas anywhere without you is more than I can comprehend. We were supposed to be announcing our relationship to everyone at Christmas. We were supposed to be telling people how in love we were. And how we were planning on getting married. And instead I'll still be trying to wrap my head around the fact that we will never be able to get married. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, baby. But this is hard. I don't know how to do this without you. I love you so much. I would give anything to be with you right now.
I'm trying so hard to be strong, baby. But I don't know if I'm strong enough. Everything is so hard. And I'm so tired. I keep putting on a brave face. But I'm so empty inside without you. I go to the doctor Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect. I guess I might try grief counseling, too. I don't even want to get better. But I know I have to. Elliott is going to save my life. Even if I'm not sure I want to live. I have to for him.
I think the hardest part is just how little time I got with you. 113 days. You weren't even mine for a full 4 months. And now you're gone. I remember telling you once I had never had a relationship that lasted more than 4.5 months without getting engaged. You promised ours would. You were wrong baby. I was actually planning on taking you out and having a silly celebration when we hit the 4.5 month mark next month. And telling you I guess we made it, since we weren't officially engaged.
The fact we never officially got engaged is hard for me, too, baby. You asked me to marry you 4 times. But always said the official engagement would come later. I told you yes, and meant it every single time. Like I told J, even when we were broken up, I always just KNEW we would get back together, and get married. I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. You're the other piece of me. I still can't imagine a life without you. But I have to live it.
I love you, Christopher. I can't believe it's been a week since you left me. You were so amazing, baby. You were probably the bravest, strongest person I've ever met. I know your life was incredibly difficult, but you tried so hard. I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you more than I did. I hope you always knew how hard I tried. And I hope you always knew that I would have never ever given up on you. No matter what.
I love you so much, baby.
Carla
It's 7 am and I've been up for an hour. I actually slept about 6 hours during the night last night. You know what am accomplishment that would have been for me, even before. I guess I don't care if I have nightmares when I sleep now, because I'm already living one I can't wake up from. Gosh, this is so hard. I miss you so much. And I NEED you so much.
I've been listening to the song "Goodbyes" by 3 Doors Down a lot lately. It was an accident the first time. I was just listening to 3 Doors Down because it reminded me of you. Remember listening to it in Chicago? It was one of the only bands you liked on my phone, so we listened to the entire album twice. Now I just listen to the one song, because it's perfect. "I look ahead, but can't move on. I look back but I can't stay. And I keep trying to be strong, but this pain, it won't go away. I hope this will heal in time. Cause I can't go on like this. Right now I would give my life for one last kiss."
People ask me whether I'm going home for Christmas. To be honest, I can barely focus on today. The idea of celebrating Christmas anywhere without you is more than I can comprehend. We were supposed to be announcing our relationship to everyone at Christmas. We were supposed to be telling people how in love we were. And how we were planning on getting married. And instead I'll still be trying to wrap my head around the fact that we will never be able to get married. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, baby. But this is hard. I don't know how to do this without you. I love you so much. I would give anything to be with you right now.
I'm trying so hard to be strong, baby. But I don't know if I'm strong enough. Everything is so hard. And I'm so tired. I keep putting on a brave face. But I'm so empty inside without you. I go to the doctor Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect. I guess I might try grief counseling, too. I don't even want to get better. But I know I have to. Elliott is going to save my life. Even if I'm not sure I want to live. I have to for him.
I think the hardest part is just how little time I got with you. 113 days. You weren't even mine for a full 4 months. And now you're gone. I remember telling you once I had never had a relationship that lasted more than 4.5 months without getting engaged. You promised ours would. You were wrong baby. I was actually planning on taking you out and having a silly celebration when we hit the 4.5 month mark next month. And telling you I guess we made it, since we weren't officially engaged.
The fact we never officially got engaged is hard for me, too, baby. You asked me to marry you 4 times. But always said the official engagement would come later. I told you yes, and meant it every single time. Like I told J, even when we were broken up, I always just KNEW we would get back together, and get married. I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. You're the other piece of me. I still can't imagine a life without you. But I have to live it.
I love you, Christopher. I can't believe it's been a week since you left me. You were so amazing, baby. You were probably the bravest, strongest person I've ever met. I know your life was incredibly difficult, but you tried so hard. I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you more than I did. I hope you always knew how hard I tried. And I hope you always knew that I would have never ever given up on you. No matter what.
I love you so much, baby.
Carla
Saturday, November 14, 2015
One Last Night
Dearest Christopher,
I thought the hardest day of my life was the day I find out you were gone. Turns out I was wrong. It was just the first incredibly painful day of many I'm sure.
I got to sleep in your bed one last time last night. I slept wrapped up in things that smelled like you, holding your shirt you were wearing in the first picture you ever sent to me. I slept better than I had since you left my house last month. But, oh the pain, this morning! Waking up alone in your bed! I don't know how to wake up without you every morning for the rest of my life.
I got to meet some important people to you last night and I am so thankful for that. It was nice to see how important you were to so many people. I'm sorry that I was such a crybaby at your memorial. I know it's something you would have made fun of me for. But I just don't know how to not cry anymore.
I never ever doubted you loved me. But talking to Mario last night confirmed to me that your love for me was great. It was so comforting hearing him say how much you talked about me and how much you wanted to be with me in North Dakota.
I know you hate the backstreet boys, but the opening lines of one of their songs just keeps playing through my head. The rest of the song doesn't apply but it does. "It's not that I can't live without you. It's just that I don't even want to try. Every night I dream about you. Ever since the day we said goodbye." Later on it says..."Because your love is so amazing. Baby you're the best thing in my life."
The truth is, I don't even know how to begin to live without you. You were only mine for 113 days, but those were the best days of my life. I got you for less than 1% of your days. I wanted you for over 50%.
Today I leave Michigan. I don't know if I'll ever be back. It's so hard being here without you. But it's also comforting because it's where you were. I see you everywhere. I feel you here with me. I looked around for you at Walmart last night before I remembered you weren't with me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy without you. You always said you needed me, but I didn't need you, I only wanted you. Turns out you were wrong. I need you so much.
I know you didn't leave me on purpose, and you wanted to be with me. And I know in my heart that you belonged to me. Not because I wanted to own you, but because you wanted to belong to me. I think that's my problem now. The heart that belongs to me is no longer beating. And the heart in my chest can't figure out how to beat without its owner here on earth.
I am so thankful I got the opportunity to meet you. Our time together was way too short, but it was incredible. In the darkest hours I've wondered why I ever even got to meet you, just for you to be taken back away from me. But I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for the world. I know the intense pain will last much longer than the 113 days of joy I had, but it's so worth it.
Thank you for loving me no matter what.
Carla
I thought the hardest day of my life was the day I find out you were gone. Turns out I was wrong. It was just the first incredibly painful day of many I'm sure.
I got to sleep in your bed one last time last night. I slept wrapped up in things that smelled like you, holding your shirt you were wearing in the first picture you ever sent to me. I slept better than I had since you left my house last month. But, oh the pain, this morning! Waking up alone in your bed! I don't know how to wake up without you every morning for the rest of my life.
I got to meet some important people to you last night and I am so thankful for that. It was nice to see how important you were to so many people. I'm sorry that I was such a crybaby at your memorial. I know it's something you would have made fun of me for. But I just don't know how to not cry anymore.
I never ever doubted you loved me. But talking to Mario last night confirmed to me that your love for me was great. It was so comforting hearing him say how much you talked about me and how much you wanted to be with me in North Dakota.
I know you hate the backstreet boys, but the opening lines of one of their songs just keeps playing through my head. The rest of the song doesn't apply but it does. "It's not that I can't live without you. It's just that I don't even want to try. Every night I dream about you. Ever since the day we said goodbye." Later on it says..."Because your love is so amazing. Baby you're the best thing in my life."
The truth is, I don't even know how to begin to live without you. You were only mine for 113 days, but those were the best days of my life. I got you for less than 1% of your days. I wanted you for over 50%.
Today I leave Michigan. I don't know if I'll ever be back. It's so hard being here without you. But it's also comforting because it's where you were. I see you everywhere. I feel you here with me. I looked around for you at Walmart last night before I remembered you weren't with me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy without you. You always said you needed me, but I didn't need you, I only wanted you. Turns out you were wrong. I need you so much.
I know you didn't leave me on purpose, and you wanted to be with me. And I know in my heart that you belonged to me. Not because I wanted to own you, but because you wanted to belong to me. I think that's my problem now. The heart that belongs to me is no longer beating. And the heart in my chest can't figure out how to beat without its owner here on earth.
I am so thankful I got the opportunity to meet you. Our time together was way too short, but it was incredible. In the darkest hours I've wondered why I ever even got to meet you, just for you to be taken back away from me. But I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for the world. I know the intense pain will last much longer than the 113 days of joy I had, but it's so worth it.
Thank you for loving me no matter what.
Carla
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