Home, Without You

Dear Christopher,

I'm back at my own house now. I honestly thought the next time I went to to Michigan I would be bringing you back to me for good.  How do I live like this?  Knowing you are supposed to be with me, but can't be?  I laid in my bed today and cried.  I have a feeling that's the new normal.  It's just hard.  I look at your side of the bed, and think about the way you looked lying next to me.  I move my arm and pretend I can reach you and sleep with my hand on your side like I always did when we were together.  I roll away and face the other side and imagine you'll scoot closer so you can feel my warmth like before.  But the bed is cold and empty.  Trixie curls up next to me and I laugh.  I am surprised by the laughter.  But it reminds me of you putting the pillow in the floor and telling her that was her bed.  And the look on her face as she jumped up onto YOUR side of the bed.

It's been a week since I last heard your voice.  The hardest week of my life.  I love you.  And I miss you.  I'm still not sure how to do this without you.  I went to church today.  I tried to pay attention, but it was kinda hard.  My church family is still praying for me.  And your family.  That's comforting.  I hope they remember to pray for Elliott, too.

Elliott's struggling, baby.  He's trying to be strong for me.  But he misses you.  You were important to him.  Remember how he always said you were his favorite grown up besides family?  It's hard.  He thought you were moving in with us.  And even though he didn't want us to get married, he wanted you to be with us.  I don't even know how to help him.  I can barely help myself.

I know you can see me now, or you can't see this letter anyway.  But I finally ate something today.  It's awful and I'm miserable.  But I'm trying.  I slept for about 2 hours this morning when I got home, and another 1.5 this afternoon.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep more than that again.

I talked to J today.  I wrote her an entire book on facebook messenger.  Unlike her brother, she appreciated it!  Ha.  She misses you, too, Christopher.  It was nice talking to her.  I told her some stuff about our relationship. I just needed her to know how much I love you.  She told me thanks for loving you.  Like I could help but love you.  You were my everything.  She's lovely, though.  And I really hope I can get to know her better.  I always thought I would have the chance when we were sisters in law.  Now that won't ever happen, but maybe we can still be friends.  After all, we both love the most amazing man I've ever known.

I'm struggling with so much right now.  Your memorial was so hard.  I didn't know anyone besides your mom. But it was comforting talking to other people who loved you.  And hearing from Mario how you talked about me was incredible.  I'm so glad that you told someone else how you wanted to be with me, because I made you so happy.  To be honest, I was beginning to think it was all in my head.  I always thought I loved you more than you loved me, but was ok with that.  But the confirmation that you loved me AND told others about me was exactly what I needed.

Baby, I keep thinking about everything I did wrong, and what I could have done better and differently.  I know I can't change anything, and I'm just beating myself up, but I can't help it.  I hope you always knew I was doing the best I could.  I love you so much.  I'm so empty without you.  Everyone keeps telling me time will heal it, but when every minute hurts, I don't know how to cope with that.  How much time will it take?  Will I even survive it?  Some times the pain is so intense that I don't think I can ever get better.  And then I'll go numb for a little bit.  Or I'll think of something about you that makes me laugh.  The sadness can't possibly stick 24/7 and I am so thankful for that.

I feel like no one really gets what I'm going through.  But I know that's my fault.  I know I was the one that wanted to keep our relationship secret a little longer.  I was an idiot, baby, I'm sorry.  I wish now that we had told the entire world.  I would be so proud to announce loudly to everyone while holding your hand "He's mine!  We belong together forever."  I'm so sorry  I was too stupid to see that before.  I hope you never felt like it was because  I was ashamed of you.  That was certainly never the case.  I was just ashamed of myself.  And my weakness.  And that I didn't tell people before that my marriage had failed.  But Christopher I was always proud to be your girlfriend.  I hope you know that.  Being your girlfriend was amazing.  And when you referred to me as your future wife, or talked about getting married, I was ecstatic. 

I love you more than I ever thought I possibly could.  Thanks for sharing your life with me baby, and keeping your promise to love me all your life.  I just wish it had been longer.

I love you so much it hurts.

Carla

One Last Night

Dearest Christopher,

I thought the hardest day of my life was the day I find out you were gone.  Turns out I was wrong.  It was just the first incredibly painful day of many I'm sure.

I got to sleep in your bed one last time last night.  I slept wrapped up in things that smelled like you, holding your shirt you were wearing in the first picture you ever sent to me.  I slept better than I had since you left my house last month.  But, oh the pain, this morning!  Waking up alone in your bed!  I don't know how to wake up without you every morning for the rest of my life.

I got to meet some important people to you last night and I am so thankful for that.  It was nice to see how important you were to so many people.  I'm sorry that I was such a crybaby at your memorial.  I know it's something you would have made fun of me for.  But I just don't know how to not cry anymore.

I never ever doubted you loved me.  But talking to Mario last night confirmed to me that your love for me was great.  It was so comforting hearing him say how much you talked about me and how much you wanted to be with me in North Dakota.

I know you hate the backstreet boys, but the opening lines of one of their songs just keeps playing through my head.  The rest of the song doesn't apply but it does.  "It's not that I can't live without you.  It's just that I don't even want to try.  Every night I dream about you. Ever since the day we said goodbye."  Later on it says..."Because your love is so amazing. Baby you're the best thing in my life."

The truth is, I don't even know how to begin to live without you.  You were only mine for 113 days, but those were the best days of my life.  I got you for less than 1% of your days. I wanted you for over 50%.

Today I leave Michigan.  I don't know if I'll ever be back.  It's so hard being here without you.  But it's also comforting because it's where you were.  I see you everywhere.  I feel you here with me.  I looked around for you at Walmart last night before I remembered you weren't with me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy without you. You always said you needed me, but I didn't need you, I only wanted you.  Turns out you were wrong.  I need you so much.

I know you didn't leave me on purpose, and you wanted to be with me.  And I know in my heart that you belonged to me.  Not because I wanted to own you, but because you wanted to belong to me.  I think that's my problem now.  The heart that belongs to me is no longer beating.  And the heart in my chest can't figure out how to beat without its owner here on earth.

I am so thankful I got the opportunity to meet you.  Our time together was way too short, but it was incredible.  In the darkest hours I've wondered why I ever even got to meet you, just for you to be taken back away from me.  But I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for the world.  I know the intense pain will last much longer than the 113 days of joy I had, but it's so worth it.

Thank you for loving me no matter what.

Carla