Dearest Christopher,
I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone. Your sister once said it was hard to love you. It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now. It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore. You were mine. You belonged with me. And you took so much of me when you left. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house. And I'm still terrified about leaving my house. I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it. I don't even want to do those things really. I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie. But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house. And that's scary.
I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday. I'm really nervous, but I know I need it. I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it. And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time. I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much and I always did.
It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out. Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year. I hate it that it won't be there. I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year. But I can't, because of Elliott. Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.
I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.
Carla
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Your Smell
Dear Christopher,
Good morning, baby. I miss you. How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me? It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.
I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me. I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now. I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead. But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.
People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams. But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them. I would rather see your face, baby. One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was. Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Why did we do it baby? We both knew it was a mistake.
I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday. He assured me I'm normal. But also told me I should really see a grief counselor. I called and left a message with her yesterday. I actually took that step myself. Proud of me baby? You know how much I hate making appointments...
Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched. It was hard, baby. Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?
I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died. You were so young baby. I wanted you at least 32 years more. I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have. I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough. But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too. I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college. And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good. Now the picture has changed. I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.
How do I live without you babe? I know I have to. But it's so hard. I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one. And he was mine for 113 glorious days. But he's gone now, and I must live without him.
The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more. My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again. It's funny how that works. By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway. But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.
I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you. Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me. Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely. I hope you always knew that.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Good morning, baby. I miss you. How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me? It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.
I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me. I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now. I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead. But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.
People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams. But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them. I would rather see your face, baby. One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was. Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Why did we do it baby? We both knew it was a mistake.
I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday. He assured me I'm normal. But also told me I should really see a grief counselor. I called and left a message with her yesterday. I actually took that step myself. Proud of me baby? You know how much I hate making appointments...
Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched. It was hard, baby. Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?
I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died. You were so young baby. I wanted you at least 32 years more. I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have. I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough. But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too. I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college. And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good. Now the picture has changed. I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.
How do I live without you babe? I know I have to. But it's so hard. I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one. And he was mine for 113 glorious days. But he's gone now, and I must live without him.
The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more. My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again. It's funny how that works. By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway. But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.
I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you. Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me. Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely. I hope you always knew that.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
You Were Mine
Dearest Christopher,
I keep thinking "the hardest thing about this is..." but to tell the truth, the hardest thing about this is simply knowing I have to live without you. When all I want to do is see your face again. And hold you. I would give anything to be curled up against you right now. I love you so much. And it's so sad and lonely without you. I wake up crying and shaking. I go to sleep crying. I don't even realize that I'm crying as I am just sitting, thinking of nothing.
A week ago today was the day my entire life fell to pieces. It was the day I got the text message saying you were gone. I already knew something was up. Then panic attack I had last Tuesday was too intense for everything to be ok. But the confirmation on Wednesday that it was my worst nightmare was awful. I thought it was the worst day of my entire life. Now I'm not so sure. There are a lot of "worst days" now.
People are starting to tell me it's time to return to my life. And quit wallowing in sadness. I know that it's my fault baby, because we never told them all you were my soulmate. But it's HARD hearing that. YOU were my future. Without you, I'm so empty. What life am I supposed to be returning to? I'm trying to be ok for Elliott. But really I just want to fall to pieces and never stop.
I have an appointment today at 2 to talk to a behavioral specialist. I have no idea what to expect. I just know I miss you. And this pain is so intense.
You were right, babe. I talk to a bunch of sick freaks online. People are already asking me when I'll be ready for another relationship. I thought these people were my friends. Why aren't they giving me time to grieve you first? They think it's funny when I say I might be ready in a year. But baby, how do I move on when I had my soulmate? And he's gone.
I'm so needy right now, baby. I'm basically begging for reassurance that I was the one you chose. I'm struggling so much with the fact that SHE keeps signing your guestbook and saying how much she loves and misses you. I believed you when you said you guys were just friends now. And friends assure me I was the one you loved, but man, it's hard. It's hard seeing someone else say how much they love the love of MY life. And to imply that they feel the same way without you that I do. You were MINE Christopher!! You gave your heart to me. You promised a life with ME! I have your stuff all over my house, still waiting for you to come back. I met your friends, I met your family. I slept curled up against you. I know she did none of those things. But why is she still doing this? I think maybe she doesn't know about me, and that hurts. But I have to let it go. And rest in the fact that I was your choice. And your friends all agree. You loved ME. You wanted to spend your life with ME. You were going to marry ME. And that's enough. Because I feel the exact same way about you. You still have my heart. I still love you more than ever. I still want a life with you, even though I can't have it.
Baby, I miss you and I need you. I keep telling everyone I'm not ok. But I don't know how to describe it any more than that. How am I supposed to be ok, when my entire world came crashing down around me? How am I supposed to be ok, knowing that the man I promised to spend my life with is gone? It kills me that we never officially got engaged. You asked me four times, but always said it wasn't official yet. That kills me. Because now I never get to be your wife, or even your fiance. And when I say my boyfriend died suddenly, that's somehow something I'm supposed to recover from quickly, where a fiance or spouse is allowed to take all the time they need. I need time, too. You were mine in every way that mattered baby. Just not legally.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
I keep thinking "the hardest thing about this is..." but to tell the truth, the hardest thing about this is simply knowing I have to live without you. When all I want to do is see your face again. And hold you. I would give anything to be curled up against you right now. I love you so much. And it's so sad and lonely without you. I wake up crying and shaking. I go to sleep crying. I don't even realize that I'm crying as I am just sitting, thinking of nothing.
A week ago today was the day my entire life fell to pieces. It was the day I got the text message saying you were gone. I already knew something was up. Then panic attack I had last Tuesday was too intense for everything to be ok. But the confirmation on Wednesday that it was my worst nightmare was awful. I thought it was the worst day of my entire life. Now I'm not so sure. There are a lot of "worst days" now.
People are starting to tell me it's time to return to my life. And quit wallowing in sadness. I know that it's my fault baby, because we never told them all you were my soulmate. But it's HARD hearing that. YOU were my future. Without you, I'm so empty. What life am I supposed to be returning to? I'm trying to be ok for Elliott. But really I just want to fall to pieces and never stop.
I have an appointment today at 2 to talk to a behavioral specialist. I have no idea what to expect. I just know I miss you. And this pain is so intense.
You were right, babe. I talk to a bunch of sick freaks online. People are already asking me when I'll be ready for another relationship. I thought these people were my friends. Why aren't they giving me time to grieve you first? They think it's funny when I say I might be ready in a year. But baby, how do I move on when I had my soulmate? And he's gone.
I'm so needy right now, baby. I'm basically begging for reassurance that I was the one you chose. I'm struggling so much with the fact that SHE keeps signing your guestbook and saying how much she loves and misses you. I believed you when you said you guys were just friends now. And friends assure me I was the one you loved, but man, it's hard. It's hard seeing someone else say how much they love the love of MY life. And to imply that they feel the same way without you that I do. You were MINE Christopher!! You gave your heart to me. You promised a life with ME! I have your stuff all over my house, still waiting for you to come back. I met your friends, I met your family. I slept curled up against you. I know she did none of those things. But why is she still doing this? I think maybe she doesn't know about me, and that hurts. But I have to let it go. And rest in the fact that I was your choice. And your friends all agree. You loved ME. You wanted to spend your life with ME. You were going to marry ME. And that's enough. Because I feel the exact same way about you. You still have my heart. I still love you more than ever. I still want a life with you, even though I can't have it.
Baby, I miss you and I need you. I keep telling everyone I'm not ok. But I don't know how to describe it any more than that. How am I supposed to be ok, when my entire world came crashing down around me? How am I supposed to be ok, knowing that the man I promised to spend my life with is gone? It kills me that we never officially got engaged. You asked me four times, but always said it wasn't official yet. That kills me. Because now I never get to be your wife, or even your fiance. And when I say my boyfriend died suddenly, that's somehow something I'm supposed to recover from quickly, where a fiance or spouse is allowed to take all the time they need. I need time, too. You were mine in every way that mattered baby. Just not legally.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
Monday, November 16, 2015
A Week Without You
Dear Christopher,
It's 7 am and I've been up for an hour. I actually slept about 6 hours during the night last night. You know what am accomplishment that would have been for me, even before. I guess I don't care if I have nightmares when I sleep now, because I'm already living one I can't wake up from. Gosh, this is so hard. I miss you so much. And I NEED you so much.
I've been listening to the song "Goodbyes" by 3 Doors Down a lot lately. It was an accident the first time. I was just listening to 3 Doors Down because it reminded me of you. Remember listening to it in Chicago? It was one of the only bands you liked on my phone, so we listened to the entire album twice. Now I just listen to the one song, because it's perfect. "I look ahead, but can't move on. I look back but I can't stay. And I keep trying to be strong, but this pain, it won't go away. I hope this will heal in time. Cause I can't go on like this. Right now I would give my life for one last kiss."
People ask me whether I'm going home for Christmas. To be honest, I can barely focus on today. The idea of celebrating Christmas anywhere without you is more than I can comprehend. We were supposed to be announcing our relationship to everyone at Christmas. We were supposed to be telling people how in love we were. And how we were planning on getting married. And instead I'll still be trying to wrap my head around the fact that we will never be able to get married. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, baby. But this is hard. I don't know how to do this without you. I love you so much. I would give anything to be with you right now.
I'm trying so hard to be strong, baby. But I don't know if I'm strong enough. Everything is so hard. And I'm so tired. I keep putting on a brave face. But I'm so empty inside without you. I go to the doctor Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect. I guess I might try grief counseling, too. I don't even want to get better. But I know I have to. Elliott is going to save my life. Even if I'm not sure I want to live. I have to for him.
I think the hardest part is just how little time I got with you. 113 days. You weren't even mine for a full 4 months. And now you're gone. I remember telling you once I had never had a relationship that lasted more than 4.5 months without getting engaged. You promised ours would. You were wrong baby. I was actually planning on taking you out and having a silly celebration when we hit the 4.5 month mark next month. And telling you I guess we made it, since we weren't officially engaged.
The fact we never officially got engaged is hard for me, too, baby. You asked me to marry you 4 times. But always said the official engagement would come later. I told you yes, and meant it every single time. Like I told J, even when we were broken up, I always just KNEW we would get back together, and get married. I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. You're the other piece of me. I still can't imagine a life without you. But I have to live it.
I love you, Christopher. I can't believe it's been a week since you left me. You were so amazing, baby. You were probably the bravest, strongest person I've ever met. I know your life was incredibly difficult, but you tried so hard. I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you more than I did. I hope you always knew how hard I tried. And I hope you always knew that I would have never ever given up on you. No matter what.
I love you so much, baby.
Carla
It's 7 am and I've been up for an hour. I actually slept about 6 hours during the night last night. You know what am accomplishment that would have been for me, even before. I guess I don't care if I have nightmares when I sleep now, because I'm already living one I can't wake up from. Gosh, this is so hard. I miss you so much. And I NEED you so much.
I've been listening to the song "Goodbyes" by 3 Doors Down a lot lately. It was an accident the first time. I was just listening to 3 Doors Down because it reminded me of you. Remember listening to it in Chicago? It was one of the only bands you liked on my phone, so we listened to the entire album twice. Now I just listen to the one song, because it's perfect. "I look ahead, but can't move on. I look back but I can't stay. And I keep trying to be strong, but this pain, it won't go away. I hope this will heal in time. Cause I can't go on like this. Right now I would give my life for one last kiss."
People ask me whether I'm going home for Christmas. To be honest, I can barely focus on today. The idea of celebrating Christmas anywhere without you is more than I can comprehend. We were supposed to be announcing our relationship to everyone at Christmas. We were supposed to be telling people how in love we were. And how we were planning on getting married. And instead I'll still be trying to wrap my head around the fact that we will never be able to get married. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, baby. But this is hard. I don't know how to do this without you. I love you so much. I would give anything to be with you right now.
I'm trying so hard to be strong, baby. But I don't know if I'm strong enough. Everything is so hard. And I'm so tired. I keep putting on a brave face. But I'm so empty inside without you. I go to the doctor Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect. I guess I might try grief counseling, too. I don't even want to get better. But I know I have to. Elliott is going to save my life. Even if I'm not sure I want to live. I have to for him.
I think the hardest part is just how little time I got with you. 113 days. You weren't even mine for a full 4 months. And now you're gone. I remember telling you once I had never had a relationship that lasted more than 4.5 months without getting engaged. You promised ours would. You were wrong baby. I was actually planning on taking you out and having a silly celebration when we hit the 4.5 month mark next month. And telling you I guess we made it, since we weren't officially engaged.
The fact we never officially got engaged is hard for me, too, baby. You asked me to marry you 4 times. But always said the official engagement would come later. I told you yes, and meant it every single time. Like I told J, even when we were broken up, I always just KNEW we would get back together, and get married. I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. You're the other piece of me. I still can't imagine a life without you. But I have to live it.
I love you, Christopher. I can't believe it's been a week since you left me. You were so amazing, baby. You were probably the bravest, strongest person I've ever met. I know your life was incredibly difficult, but you tried so hard. I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you more than I did. I hope you always knew how hard I tried. And I hope you always knew that I would have never ever given up on you. No matter what.
I love you so much, baby.
Carla
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Home, Without You
Dear Christopher,
I'm back at my own house now. I honestly thought the next time I went to to Michigan I would be bringing you back to me for good. How do I live like this? Knowing you are supposed to be with me, but can't be? I laid in my bed today and cried. I have a feeling that's the new normal. It's just hard. I look at your side of the bed, and think about the way you looked lying next to me. I move my arm and pretend I can reach you and sleep with my hand on your side like I always did when we were together. I roll away and face the other side and imagine you'll scoot closer so you can feel my warmth like before. But the bed is cold and empty. Trixie curls up next to me and I laugh. I am surprised by the laughter. But it reminds me of you putting the pillow in the floor and telling her that was her bed. And the look on her face as she jumped up onto YOUR side of the bed.
It's been a week since I last heard your voice. The hardest week of my life. I love you. And I miss you. I'm still not sure how to do this without you. I went to church today. I tried to pay attention, but it was kinda hard. My church family is still praying for me. And your family. That's comforting. I hope they remember to pray for Elliott, too.
Elliott's struggling, baby. He's trying to be strong for me. But he misses you. You were important to him. Remember how he always said you were his favorite grown up besides family? It's hard. He thought you were moving in with us. And even though he didn't want us to get married, he wanted you to be with us. I don't even know how to help him. I can barely help myself.
I know you can see me now, or you can't see this letter anyway. But I finally ate something today. It's awful and I'm miserable. But I'm trying. I slept for about 2 hours this morning when I got home, and another 1.5 this afternoon. I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep more than that again.
I talked to J today. I wrote her an entire book on facebook messenger. Unlike her brother, she appreciated it! Ha. She misses you, too, Christopher. It was nice talking to her. I told her some stuff about our relationship. I just needed her to know how much I love you. She told me thanks for loving you. Like I could help but love you. You were my everything. She's lovely, though. And I really hope I can get to know her better. I always thought I would have the chance when we were sisters in law. Now that won't ever happen, but maybe we can still be friends. After all, we both love the most amazing man I've ever known.
I'm struggling with so much right now. Your memorial was so hard. I didn't know anyone besides your mom. But it was comforting talking to other people who loved you. And hearing from Mario how you talked about me was incredible. I'm so glad that you told someone else how you wanted to be with me, because I made you so happy. To be honest, I was beginning to think it was all in my head. I always thought I loved you more than you loved me, but was ok with that. But the confirmation that you loved me AND told others about me was exactly what I needed.
Baby, I keep thinking about everything I did wrong, and what I could have done better and differently. I know I can't change anything, and I'm just beating myself up, but I can't help it. I hope you always knew I was doing the best I could. I love you so much. I'm so empty without you. Everyone keeps telling me time will heal it, but when every minute hurts, I don't know how to cope with that. How much time will it take? Will I even survive it? Some times the pain is so intense that I don't think I can ever get better. And then I'll go numb for a little bit. Or I'll think of something about you that makes me laugh. The sadness can't possibly stick 24/7 and I am so thankful for that.
I feel like no one really gets what I'm going through. But I know that's my fault. I know I was the one that wanted to keep our relationship secret a little longer. I was an idiot, baby, I'm sorry. I wish now that we had told the entire world. I would be so proud to announce loudly to everyone while holding your hand "He's mine! We belong together forever." I'm so sorry I was too stupid to see that before. I hope you never felt like it was because I was ashamed of you. That was certainly never the case. I was just ashamed of myself. And my weakness. And that I didn't tell people before that my marriage had failed. But Christopher I was always proud to be your girlfriend. I hope you know that. Being your girlfriend was amazing. And when you referred to me as your future wife, or talked about getting married, I was ecstatic.
I love you more than I ever thought I possibly could. Thanks for sharing your life with me baby, and keeping your promise to love me all your life. I just wish it had been longer.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
I'm back at my own house now. I honestly thought the next time I went to to Michigan I would be bringing you back to me for good. How do I live like this? Knowing you are supposed to be with me, but can't be? I laid in my bed today and cried. I have a feeling that's the new normal. It's just hard. I look at your side of the bed, and think about the way you looked lying next to me. I move my arm and pretend I can reach you and sleep with my hand on your side like I always did when we were together. I roll away and face the other side and imagine you'll scoot closer so you can feel my warmth like before. But the bed is cold and empty. Trixie curls up next to me and I laugh. I am surprised by the laughter. But it reminds me of you putting the pillow in the floor and telling her that was her bed. And the look on her face as she jumped up onto YOUR side of the bed.
It's been a week since I last heard your voice. The hardest week of my life. I love you. And I miss you. I'm still not sure how to do this without you. I went to church today. I tried to pay attention, but it was kinda hard. My church family is still praying for me. And your family. That's comforting. I hope they remember to pray for Elliott, too.
Elliott's struggling, baby. He's trying to be strong for me. But he misses you. You were important to him. Remember how he always said you were his favorite grown up besides family? It's hard. He thought you were moving in with us. And even though he didn't want us to get married, he wanted you to be with us. I don't even know how to help him. I can barely help myself.
I know you can see me now, or you can't see this letter anyway. But I finally ate something today. It's awful and I'm miserable. But I'm trying. I slept for about 2 hours this morning when I got home, and another 1.5 this afternoon. I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep more than that again.
I talked to J today. I wrote her an entire book on facebook messenger. Unlike her brother, she appreciated it! Ha. She misses you, too, Christopher. It was nice talking to her. I told her some stuff about our relationship. I just needed her to know how much I love you. She told me thanks for loving you. Like I could help but love you. You were my everything. She's lovely, though. And I really hope I can get to know her better. I always thought I would have the chance when we were sisters in law. Now that won't ever happen, but maybe we can still be friends. After all, we both love the most amazing man I've ever known.
I'm struggling with so much right now. Your memorial was so hard. I didn't know anyone besides your mom. But it was comforting talking to other people who loved you. And hearing from Mario how you talked about me was incredible. I'm so glad that you told someone else how you wanted to be with me, because I made you so happy. To be honest, I was beginning to think it was all in my head. I always thought I loved you more than you loved me, but was ok with that. But the confirmation that you loved me AND told others about me was exactly what I needed.
Baby, I keep thinking about everything I did wrong, and what I could have done better and differently. I know I can't change anything, and I'm just beating myself up, but I can't help it. I hope you always knew I was doing the best I could. I love you so much. I'm so empty without you. Everyone keeps telling me time will heal it, but when every minute hurts, I don't know how to cope with that. How much time will it take? Will I even survive it? Some times the pain is so intense that I don't think I can ever get better. And then I'll go numb for a little bit. Or I'll think of something about you that makes me laugh. The sadness can't possibly stick 24/7 and I am so thankful for that.
I feel like no one really gets what I'm going through. But I know that's my fault. I know I was the one that wanted to keep our relationship secret a little longer. I was an idiot, baby, I'm sorry. I wish now that we had told the entire world. I would be so proud to announce loudly to everyone while holding your hand "He's mine! We belong together forever." I'm so sorry I was too stupid to see that before. I hope you never felt like it was because I was ashamed of you. That was certainly never the case. I was just ashamed of myself. And my weakness. And that I didn't tell people before that my marriage had failed. But Christopher I was always proud to be your girlfriend. I hope you know that. Being your girlfriend was amazing. And when you referred to me as your future wife, or talked about getting married, I was ecstatic.
I love you more than I ever thought I possibly could. Thanks for sharing your life with me baby, and keeping your promise to love me all your life. I just wish it had been longer.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Saturday, November 14, 2015
One Last Night
Dearest Christopher,
I thought the hardest day of my life was the day I find out you were gone. Turns out I was wrong. It was just the first incredibly painful day of many I'm sure.
I got to sleep in your bed one last time last night. I slept wrapped up in things that smelled like you, holding your shirt you were wearing in the first picture you ever sent to me. I slept better than I had since you left my house last month. But, oh the pain, this morning! Waking up alone in your bed! I don't know how to wake up without you every morning for the rest of my life.
I got to meet some important people to you last night and I am so thankful for that. It was nice to see how important you were to so many people. I'm sorry that I was such a crybaby at your memorial. I know it's something you would have made fun of me for. But I just don't know how to not cry anymore.
I never ever doubted you loved me. But talking to Mario last night confirmed to me that your love for me was great. It was so comforting hearing him say how much you talked about me and how much you wanted to be with me in North Dakota.
I know you hate the backstreet boys, but the opening lines of one of their songs just keeps playing through my head. The rest of the song doesn't apply but it does. "It's not that I can't live without you. It's just that I don't even want to try. Every night I dream about you. Ever since the day we said goodbye." Later on it says..."Because your love is so amazing. Baby you're the best thing in my life."
The truth is, I don't even know how to begin to live without you. You were only mine for 113 days, but those were the best days of my life. I got you for less than 1% of your days. I wanted you for over 50%.
Today I leave Michigan. I don't know if I'll ever be back. It's so hard being here without you. But it's also comforting because it's where you were. I see you everywhere. I feel you here with me. I looked around for you at Walmart last night before I remembered you weren't with me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy without you. You always said you needed me, but I didn't need you, I only wanted you. Turns out you were wrong. I need you so much.
I know you didn't leave me on purpose, and you wanted to be with me. And I know in my heart that you belonged to me. Not because I wanted to own you, but because you wanted to belong to me. I think that's my problem now. The heart that belongs to me is no longer beating. And the heart in my chest can't figure out how to beat without its owner here on earth.
I am so thankful I got the opportunity to meet you. Our time together was way too short, but it was incredible. In the darkest hours I've wondered why I ever even got to meet you, just for you to be taken back away from me. But I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for the world. I know the intense pain will last much longer than the 113 days of joy I had, but it's so worth it.
Thank you for loving me no matter what.
Carla
I thought the hardest day of my life was the day I find out you were gone. Turns out I was wrong. It was just the first incredibly painful day of many I'm sure.
I got to sleep in your bed one last time last night. I slept wrapped up in things that smelled like you, holding your shirt you were wearing in the first picture you ever sent to me. I slept better than I had since you left my house last month. But, oh the pain, this morning! Waking up alone in your bed! I don't know how to wake up without you every morning for the rest of my life.
I got to meet some important people to you last night and I am so thankful for that. It was nice to see how important you were to so many people. I'm sorry that I was such a crybaby at your memorial. I know it's something you would have made fun of me for. But I just don't know how to not cry anymore.
I never ever doubted you loved me. But talking to Mario last night confirmed to me that your love for me was great. It was so comforting hearing him say how much you talked about me and how much you wanted to be with me in North Dakota.
I know you hate the backstreet boys, but the opening lines of one of their songs just keeps playing through my head. The rest of the song doesn't apply but it does. "It's not that I can't live without you. It's just that I don't even want to try. Every night I dream about you. Ever since the day we said goodbye." Later on it says..."Because your love is so amazing. Baby you're the best thing in my life."
The truth is, I don't even know how to begin to live without you. You were only mine for 113 days, but those were the best days of my life. I got you for less than 1% of your days. I wanted you for over 50%.
Today I leave Michigan. I don't know if I'll ever be back. It's so hard being here without you. But it's also comforting because it's where you were. I see you everywhere. I feel you here with me. I looked around for you at Walmart last night before I remembered you weren't with me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy without you. You always said you needed me, but I didn't need you, I only wanted you. Turns out you were wrong. I need you so much.
I know you didn't leave me on purpose, and you wanted to be with me. And I know in my heart that you belonged to me. Not because I wanted to own you, but because you wanted to belong to me. I think that's my problem now. The heart that belongs to me is no longer beating. And the heart in my chest can't figure out how to beat without its owner here on earth.
I am so thankful I got the opportunity to meet you. Our time together was way too short, but it was incredible. In the darkest hours I've wondered why I ever even got to meet you, just for you to be taken back away from me. But I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for the world. I know the intense pain will last much longer than the 113 days of joy I had, but it's so worth it.
Thank you for loving me no matter what.
Carla
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Rest Stop
I'm sitting at a rest stop in Minnesota. Don't ask me how long I've been here, or when I might leave. I honestly have no idea on either count. I just needed a break for a few minutes.
Chris's funeral is tomorrow. I've driven 450 miles and have another 650 to go. I don't think I'll stop and sleep. I don't think I could sleep if I tried.
I've been talking to one of his friends on Facebook. I feel such an overwhelming desire to reach out to people who loved him. I knew him for such a short amount of time that it sometimes feels like a dream. I need validation that it was real. That he was real. And he really was just as amazing as I know he was.
He felt like people didn't like him, but I don't see that at all. I know people always have nicer things to say after someone dies. But some of those people are genuinely grieving. I'm sure his family is devastated, although I haven't talked to any of them. His mom is the only one I've ever met, and I don't have her phone number. I'm not sure she would want to talk to me anyway though. But I know this has got to be so hard for her.
Chris's funeral is tomorrow. I've driven 450 miles and have another 650 to go. I don't think I'll stop and sleep. I don't think I could sleep if I tried.
I've been talking to one of his friends on Facebook. I feel such an overwhelming desire to reach out to people who loved him. I knew him for such a short amount of time that it sometimes feels like a dream. I need validation that it was real. That he was real. And he really was just as amazing as I know he was.
He felt like people didn't like him, but I don't see that at all. I know people always have nicer things to say after someone dies. But some of those people are genuinely grieving. I'm sure his family is devastated, although I haven't talked to any of them. His mom is the only one I've ever met, and I don't have her phone number. I'm not sure she would want to talk to me anyway though. But I know this has got to be so hard for her.
A Letter To Him
I wrote this letter to my best friend in the entire world about 12 hours after I found out about his death. It took me that long to process it well enough to put it in writing, but here it is. It's raw and it's painful. It's the exact words I handwrote on a piece of paper as I sat and cried.
Dearest Christopher,
I love you so very much. Knowing I will never hug you, or see you again is so hard. I don't know how to live without you. 113 days wasn't nearly enough time to spend with my soulmate. 113 days. That's all I had. I hope you knew how much I loved you during that time. And how much I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. I know we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, I just thought it would be far longer. This is so unfair. I love you so much and this is so hard for me. I don't even know who I am without you. I am so sorry I let you down. I should have tried harder. I should have made sure you were actually getting the help you needed. I knew you were in pain. I don't know why I thought I could be enough. I just loved you so much. But I know love isn't always enough. I tried so hard, though. Baby, I love you.
I don't know if you can see me now, but if you can, then you can see how much I loved you, and still do. And how sorry I am that I didn't get you the help you needed. I don't think you took your own life, but if you did, I don't blame you. I know you were in pain. I wish I could have helped more. The guilt is eating me alive. But I'll be strong. And I'll continue living because that's what you would have wanted. You'll always have a piece of me. I have to learn to live without it. But I'll always have a piece of you, too. And it's my favorite part of me. I hope if you can see me, I'll make you proud.
I love you with everything I am.
Carla
Dearest Christopher,
I love you so very much. Knowing I will never hug you, or see you again is so hard. I don't know how to live without you. 113 days wasn't nearly enough time to spend with my soulmate. 113 days. That's all I had. I hope you knew how much I loved you during that time. And how much I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. I know we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, I just thought it would be far longer. This is so unfair. I love you so much and this is so hard for me. I don't even know who I am without you. I am so sorry I let you down. I should have tried harder. I should have made sure you were actually getting the help you needed. I knew you were in pain. I don't know why I thought I could be enough. I just loved you so much. But I know love isn't always enough. I tried so hard, though. Baby, I love you.
I don't know if you can see me now, but if you can, then you can see how much I loved you, and still do. And how sorry I am that I didn't get you the help you needed. I don't think you took your own life, but if you did, I don't blame you. I know you were in pain. I wish I could have helped more. The guilt is eating me alive. But I'll be strong. And I'll continue living because that's what you would have wanted. You'll always have a piece of me. I have to learn to live without it. But I'll always have a piece of you, too. And it's my favorite part of me. I hope if you can see me, I'll make you proud.
I love you with everything I am.
Carla
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