Can't Sleep

Dearest Christopher,

It's almost 4 am and I can't sleep.  I miss you so much and I can't stop crying.  I wonder if the pain will ever go away.  I don't think it ever will.  As long as I'm alive, I'll love and miss you.  I don't know how to live without you.  But I'm trying, baby.  Believe me, I'm trying.

I've been on pinterest looking at quotes.  I know you thought I spent too much time looking at quotes but sometimes it makes me feel better to realize that other people are going through what I'm going through.  I know there are a lot of sad people out there.  And I'm sad for them.  But I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

Ironically I read a quote at 3:41 (4:41 in Michigan) that said "It's 4:41 am, I wish I was pressed against your chest listening to your heartbeat instead of the rain."  And that's the kind of thing I would have sent you while you were alive.  Because I missed you so much anytime we were apart.  But now that you're gone, it's even more meaningful.  I would give up almost anything to be in your arms right now.

I miss you so much that it physically hurts me baby.  I don't know to do this.  I know I say that a lot. But it's true.  I miss you.  And I need you. I love you so much.  I don't ever want to stop loving you, but I wish it would become less painful.

Every single day I think of something else I should have tried to save you.  And every day I realize that I didn't try hard enough to save you.  I hope you realized that I was doing the best I knew how to do though.  I love you.  And if love alone would have been enough, you'd still be here.  My love for you is strong, deep, and complete.  You used to say it was scary.  It wasn't when you were alive.  But sometimes it is now.  Because you aren't here.  And it feels like there's nowhere for it to go.

I love you so much it hurts.

Carla

Therapy Today

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning handsome.  I miss you.  I have my first real therapy appointment today.  I'm pretty nervous.  I hope it will help.  I need to talk to someone.  I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry.  I can't believe you did this to us!  I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general.  Because this really really sucks.  I want you to come home!!

Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again.  I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you.  I hate that babe.  I could not stop crying.  How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe.  I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher.  This is so unfair.  You were way too young to die and leave me here alone.  And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already.  How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??

I know our relationship was far from perfect.  But I never wanted a perfect relationship.  I wanted a real one, and I had that with you.  Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together.  When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you.  And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either.  But now I'm forced to live mine without you.  And I just don't know how to do it.

I love you so much it hurts

Carla

it's So Hard Without You

Dearest Christopher,

I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone.  Your sister once said it was hard to love you.  It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now.  It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore.  You were mine.  You belonged with me.  And you took so much of me when you left.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house.  And I'm still terrified about leaving my house.  I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it.  I don't even want to do those things really.  I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie.  But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house.  And that's scary.

I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday.  I'm really nervous, but I know I need it.  I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it.  And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time.  I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that.  I love you so much and I always did.

It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out.  Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year.  I hate it that it won't be there.  I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year.  But I can't, because of Elliott.  Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.

I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.

Carla

Black Friday

Dearest Christopher,

I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was.  Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping.  I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg.  You said it might even be fun.

I'm at home.  And I can't even seem to do it online.  Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now.  And I have to do this.  Without you.  You treated me too well.  You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do.  Until the 9th, when you left me.  Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do.  Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.

I put on this happy face every single day.  I don't want people to worry about me.  But inside I feel so dead.  I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard.  I miss you. I miss being happy.  People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now.  They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.

I just miss you.  And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day.  But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.

Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.

Carla

Home, Without You

Dear Christopher,

I'm back at my own house now. I honestly thought the next time I went to to Michigan I would be bringing you back to me for good.  How do I live like this?  Knowing you are supposed to be with me, but can't be?  I laid in my bed today and cried.  I have a feeling that's the new normal.  It's just hard.  I look at your side of the bed, and think about the way you looked lying next to me.  I move my arm and pretend I can reach you and sleep with my hand on your side like I always did when we were together.  I roll away and face the other side and imagine you'll scoot closer so you can feel my warmth like before.  But the bed is cold and empty.  Trixie curls up next to me and I laugh.  I am surprised by the laughter.  But it reminds me of you putting the pillow in the floor and telling her that was her bed.  And the look on her face as she jumped up onto YOUR side of the bed.

It's been a week since I last heard your voice.  The hardest week of my life.  I love you.  And I miss you.  I'm still not sure how to do this without you.  I went to church today.  I tried to pay attention, but it was kinda hard.  My church family is still praying for me.  And your family.  That's comforting.  I hope they remember to pray for Elliott, too.

Elliott's struggling, baby.  He's trying to be strong for me.  But he misses you.  You were important to him.  Remember how he always said you were his favorite grown up besides family?  It's hard.  He thought you were moving in with us.  And even though he didn't want us to get married, he wanted you to be with us.  I don't even know how to help him.  I can barely help myself.

I know you can see me now, or you can't see this letter anyway.  But I finally ate something today.  It's awful and I'm miserable.  But I'm trying.  I slept for about 2 hours this morning when I got home, and another 1.5 this afternoon.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep more than that again.

I talked to J today.  I wrote her an entire book on facebook messenger.  Unlike her brother, she appreciated it!  Ha.  She misses you, too, Christopher.  It was nice talking to her.  I told her some stuff about our relationship. I just needed her to know how much I love you.  She told me thanks for loving you.  Like I could help but love you.  You were my everything.  She's lovely, though.  And I really hope I can get to know her better.  I always thought I would have the chance when we were sisters in law.  Now that won't ever happen, but maybe we can still be friends.  After all, we both love the most amazing man I've ever known.

I'm struggling with so much right now.  Your memorial was so hard.  I didn't know anyone besides your mom. But it was comforting talking to other people who loved you.  And hearing from Mario how you talked about me was incredible.  I'm so glad that you told someone else how you wanted to be with me, because I made you so happy.  To be honest, I was beginning to think it was all in my head.  I always thought I loved you more than you loved me, but was ok with that.  But the confirmation that you loved me AND told others about me was exactly what I needed.

Baby, I keep thinking about everything I did wrong, and what I could have done better and differently.  I know I can't change anything, and I'm just beating myself up, but I can't help it.  I hope you always knew I was doing the best I could.  I love you so much.  I'm so empty without you.  Everyone keeps telling me time will heal it, but when every minute hurts, I don't know how to cope with that.  How much time will it take?  Will I even survive it?  Some times the pain is so intense that I don't think I can ever get better.  And then I'll go numb for a little bit.  Or I'll think of something about you that makes me laugh.  The sadness can't possibly stick 24/7 and I am so thankful for that.

I feel like no one really gets what I'm going through.  But I know that's my fault.  I know I was the one that wanted to keep our relationship secret a little longer.  I was an idiot, baby, I'm sorry.  I wish now that we had told the entire world.  I would be so proud to announce loudly to everyone while holding your hand "He's mine!  We belong together forever."  I'm so sorry  I was too stupid to see that before.  I hope you never felt like it was because  I was ashamed of you.  That was certainly never the case.  I was just ashamed of myself.  And my weakness.  And that I didn't tell people before that my marriage had failed.  But Christopher I was always proud to be your girlfriend.  I hope you know that.  Being your girlfriend was amazing.  And when you referred to me as your future wife, or talked about getting married, I was ecstatic. 

I love you more than I ever thought I possibly could.  Thanks for sharing your life with me baby, and keeping your promise to love me all your life.  I just wish it had been longer.

I love you so much it hurts.

Carla

A Letter To Him

I wrote this letter to my best friend in the entire world about 12 hours after I found out about his death.  It took me that long to process it well enough to put it in writing, but here it is.  It's raw and it's painful.  It's the exact words I handwrote on a piece of paper as I sat and cried.


Dearest Christopher,

     I love you so very much.  Knowing I will never hug you, or see you again is so hard.  I don't know how to live without you.  113 days wasn't nearly enough time to spend with my soulmate.  113 days.  That's all I had.  I hope you knew how much I loved you during that time.  And how much I will continue to love you for the rest of my life.  I know we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, I just thought it would be far longer.  This is so unfair.  I love you so much and this is so hard for me.  I don't even know who I am without you.  I am so sorry I let you down.  I should have tried harder.  I should have made sure you were actually getting the help you needed.  I knew you were in pain.  I don't know why I thought I could be enough.  I just loved you so much.  But I know love isn't always enough.  I tried so hard, though.  Baby, I love you.

I don't know if  you can see me now, but if you can, then you can see how much I loved you, and still do.  And how sorry I am that I didn't get you the help you needed.  I don't think you took your own life, but if you did, I don't blame you.  I know you were in pain.  I wish I could have helped more.  The guilt is eating me alive.  But I'll be strong.  And I'll continue living because that's what you would have wanted.  You'll always have a piece of me.  I have to learn to live without it.  But I'll always have a piece of you, too.  And it's my favorite part of me.  I hope if you can see me, I'll make you proud.

I love you with everything I am.

Carla