Tuesday, January 5, 2016

One Third of the Days

Dear Christopher,

Every time I think I'm going to be ok, something reminds me I never truly will be again.  I miss you so much.  I'm in tears right now.  And I have been for much of the evening.  It's been 57 days since you took your last breath.  57 days since anyone saw that amazing smile or heard that wonderful life.  We only knew each other twice that long.  A third of the days that I've thought about you every single day, it's been with a pain so strong I am not sure how to make it through. I love you baby.  I know I always will.

I see so much of you in Elliott.  I know that's crazy. He's not biologically yours.  But you were cut from the same mold.  You would have been such a great step dad to him babe.  You should have been his step dad. You're what he deserves.  I just hope that if I ever move on and give him a step dad it's someone who will be as good with him as you were.  And who will love him like you did. But I think that will be hard to find babe.  How can anyone else love either of us like you did?

We're not looking to replace you.  But at the same time, I know you wouldn't want me to just stay sad and missing you all the time either.  So eventually we'll move on.  I'll keep you in my heart.  Nothing and no one can ever replace the love I feel for you baby. No matter what.

I love you more than words can express.