Monday, December 28, 2015

Still Missing You

Dearest Christopher,

I miss you.  I decided not to write to you for a couple of days to see if it would make me miss you less.  It didn't.  You're still gone.  Even if I'm only talking to you in my mind, instead of online or on paper, it doesn't change anything.

You keep coming to me in my sleep and telling me to let you go.  Part of me feels guilty for even trying.  But part of me knows it is what is best for me.  No matter how much I want you to, you can't come back to me.  And I have to accept that.  I know you would want me to be happy.  You used to tell me you wanted me to be happy, and you'd let me go if you thought it would make me happy.  I always told you the same thing.  Turns out I didn't mean heaven.  Although I'm glad you're finally out of the intense pain you were in here.

Missing you is so hard.  Your other girl is having a hard time too I guess.  I've completely forgiven you for lying about how you felt about her.  Although it still hurts seeing her say stuff about you.

I love you Christopher.  I always will.  Thanks for choosing me to actually spend time with.  Thanks for choosing me as the person you wanted to fall asleep next to.  Thanks for choosing me as the person you would have committed to eventually. I love you still.

I miss you.


Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas

Dear Christopher,

Merry Christmas in heaven baby.  I love you. I really wish you were here with me. I miss you so much.

My internet has been down a bunch today.  I don't know why. But it sucked.  I wanted to write to you on here earlier.

Watching Elliott open his presents today was bittersweet.  You should have been here with us babe.  You should have watched Elliott open his presents.  You should have played video games with him while I cooked dinner.  Babe, I hate it that you can't be with us anymore.  I'm sure Christmas in heaven was great.  I just wish you had spent it in North Dakota instead.

Your mom posted pics of you on Facebook.  Even though I had seen them all before, it still made me miss you so much.  You were so handsome. I wish I could still wake up next to you in the morning, and fall asleep touching you at night.  I cried myself to sleep this morning.  Christmas was hard without you.

I love you and I miss you so much.


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Christmas Eve

Dear Christopher,

Merry Christmas Eve.  I wish I could tell you that in person.  This was supposed to be our first Christmas together.  I thought for sure we'd spend it together, whether it was here or in Missouri.  But I expected to wake up next to you this morning. Waking up alone sucks.  I miss you.

I let Elliott open the game today from us.  We both vetoed a little bit.  But he's having fun with it now.  He says he'll always think about you when he plays it.  And it will be happy memories.  He loves you so much baby.  This is hard on him.  I didn't realize how important you were to him until after you died.  But it didn't come as a surprise.  He's so much like you.  I have a feeling if you would have lived, people who didn't know he wasn't biologically yours probably would have told you "Your son is a lot like you."

So as I was trying to decide what to wear to church tonight, I was thinking about you. Like always.  I'm wearing a new dress that I think you would really like.  Although you probably would have said something about why are winter dresses short, and summer dresses long?  I kinda wonder that, too.  Haha.  The one I'm wearing tonight is a dark red, although I know that wouldn't especially matter to you.  I'm wearing it with black leggings.  The dress is almost knee length and v neck.  It will show off my "Chris" necklace nicely.  I miss you baby. I wish I had the real Chris here to show off instead. I love you.

I love and miss you so much, especially so close to Christmas.


Wednesday, December 23, 2015

We're Both Crying For You

Dear Christopher,

Elliott cried for you today.  Openly.  In front of me.  It rips my heart out when he does that.  But I'm happy he feels like he can now.  We both just miss you so much.  Today we talked about how Christmas will be this year.  And how it would have been if you were here.  He's going to open the present from us tomorrow.  He cried and said he knew you would watch him from heaven, but he wants you to be here to watch him instead.  I agree so much baby.  You should be here with us.  You should be sitting on the couch with me, smiling while he opens presents.  You should be opening your own presents from us.  But instead you're gone, and we're here alone.  We'll probably both cry.  Because being without you really really sucks.

Elliott asked me today why we couldn't save you.  And why us loving you wasn't enough.  He asked me if I could do anything over again in my life, would I choose to save you.  The answer was "Absolutely, beyond a doubt, my biggest regret is not being able to save Christopher."  I really thought I could baby.  I realize that I'm giving myself way too much power by thinking that.  But I love you so much.  And I thought maybe it would be enough to save you from yourself. I know that is not the case, but it's still hard to accept.

We both love you, and miss you so much.


Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Sleeping Pills?

Dear Christopher,

Apparently I'm supposed to try to get sleeping pills from my doctor.  I know, you told me I needed something when you were still alive. But I'm sure I really do now.  I'm tired all the time.  I don't sleep much.  I miss you.  It's hard sleeping without you.  It's even harder to go back to sleep when I wake up fully and remember all over again that you aren't coming back to me baby.  I miss you.  And I love you so much.

I'm in my bed tonight because Darla is sleeping over.  I hate sleeping here alone.  You're supposed to be sleeping next to me baby.  You promised.  It's so unfair.  I hate sleeping alone.  I have Trixie. And I love her.  But I want you, too.  I am so in love with you.  I don't know how to move forward.  My heart is still shattered.  I can barely function sometimes.  I need you baby.  Living without you really sucks.  I just want you to be here.  And you can't.  And that's heartbreaking.

We are getting so close to Christmas. I'm ready for it to be over.  I'm letting Elliott open the present from "us" on Christmas eve.  Because I know I'll cry.   I so wanted you here with us for Christmas.  My therapist told me it's ok if I need to take breaks to cry, or write during Christmas.  And I probably will.

I love you so much.


Monday, December 21, 2015

Almost Christmas

Dear Christopher,

Elliott's working on school work right now.  I know that if you were here he wouldn't be.  You guys would have convinced me that he should be off all this week and next week.  You guys would probably be playing video games right now. We'd have the lights on on the Christmas tree. And we would sit and talk about how excited we were for Christmas after Elliott goes to bed.  Instead, without you, there is no Christmas tree.  When Elliott finishes his math work and goes to bed, I'll sit and stare at my phone probably.  I might turn the tv on. But I probably won't really pay any attention.

I miss you so much. It's so hard living without you.  I know that just proves I love you, but it's hard.

Elliott wants a necklace like mine with a tag with your name on it. He wants a charm that says "A piece of my heart lives in heaven."  We both love you so much, Christopher.  I can't believe you left us. I can't believe that, even for a moment, you thought we would be better off without you.

I love you so much it hurts


Sunday, December 20, 2015

Wrapping Presents

Dearest Christopher,

I miss you so much.  I love you. I wish you were here. It's funny how one minute I'll think I'm ok, then the next minute I'm sobbing.  I just don't know how to live without you babe.  I still need you.  And I'm so sad I can't have you.

Today was a good day.  I laughed and smiled when I talked about you. I didn't cry at church.  But then it was time to wrap Christmas presents.  And bam, there were the tears.  I was thinking about the presents you wanted to get Elliott. I got him one of them.  So then the question was "How do I tag this one?" I originally planned on signing it "From Mom and Chris."  So do I still do that?  I think I will. I wish you were here baby.  I wish you could watch him open it.  I think it will be one of his favorites.  He asked Santa for it.  But I'm giving it to him from you.  Because I know you would have wanted to give it to him.  And I think I'm going to let him know that.  So he can still remember how much you love him.

I miss you Christopher.  So much.  And I love you with everything in me.


Saturday, December 19, 2015

Christmas Shopping

Dear Christopher,

Christmas shopping without you was so hard.  You kept telling me you wanted to shop with me this year and you'd help me.  So I waited for you to come back to me.  And you never did.  And then with you gone, I wanted to completely skip Christmas.  But I knew I couldn't.  So I finally got around to finishing my shopping this week.  And it was so hard.  I decided not to shop for anyone except Elliott and Darla.  I looked at my list I made in October.  It had your mom and dad both on it, with a note to ask you what they'd like. Baby, it's so hard marking them off.  But I definitely don't think your parents would like it if I gave them presents now.  Why did you have to leave us all, though??? Why didn't we shop together for presents for them baby?? And send them in the mail with a card with a picture of us with Elliott.  I miss you so much.  This month has been awful, just like last month.  It was supposed to be our first Christmas together!! Now I have to do it without you. And that's not fair.

I love you, Chris.  And I miss you.


Friday, December 18, 2015

I Miss Your Touch

Dear Christopher,

I miss you so much.  I love you so much.  I don't know who I am without you.  But I'm working on it.  That's all I can do for now I guess.

Every time I casually touch a guy, I miss touching you.  It could be a handshake, and I'm suddenly missing the way you held my hand.  Or maybe it's a quick brush of our hands when we're exchanging money, and I'm thinking about the way it felt when you'd run your hands down my arm so lightly.  Or it's a quick hug, and I'm suddenly nearly in tears thinking about the way it felt to be wrapped tightly in your arms.  I miss you so much.  I knew the first night I fell asleep with my arm around you that I never wanted to fall asleep next to anyone else again.  But now I can't sleep that way with you.  And it's so hard.  I miss you so much. I love you.

I hung out with a friend tonight.  He's a nice guy. He listens to me cry about you. He's supportive. But I miss you, when I'm with him.  Because I miss you all the time, but especially when I'm with another guy.  Christopher, you were supposed to be mine forever.

There's the ring that I wear now all the time.  I thought they would be great for when we pretended to be married.  And a good way to let you know just how serious I was about my love for you. Now I have both of them.  I really wish you were wearing the other one.  I love you so much.

I miss you baby!


Thursday, December 17, 2015

5 Months Ago I Met You

Dear Christopher,

Happy anniversary baby. 5 months ago today I sent you that first message.  I had no idea how much you would change my life.  How you would make me so happy, and then so sad, in such a short amount of time.  I wouldn't change a single minute that I had with you, I just wish I had had a lot more.  I love you so much.  And missing you is so hard.

I think I'm doing a little better these days though. I still miss you so much it hurts, but I can finally see that I'm going to be ok, even though I have to live without you.  I'm still mad that I do have to live without you.  But I think I can do it now.  I'll always love you so much.  Nothing will ever change that.  You taught me so many important things.  And I still believe each of us was born specifically for the other one.  I think we belonged together.  I'm glad you were mine, even if it wasn't nearly long enough.

I love you baby. I'm so glad I sent you that message 5 months ago and you responded.  I wish you were here right now, so I could have told you that in person this morning with a hug and a smile. You're always going to be a big part of who I am though.  For the rest of my life.  Thanks for loving me baby.

I love you and miss you.


Wednesday, December 16, 2015

What Should Have Been

Dear Christopher,

Hi baby.  I love you. I didn't write earlier because there was a lot of stuff going on.  If you were still here I would have made time to text you a few times, quickly, just to let you know I was thinking about you.  But these letters aren't so quick like texts were. Sometimes it takes me quite a while to finish a letter.

I had therapy and my support group both today.  I cried more in group than I did in therapy.  I made a couple of other people cry in group, too.  It's just really hard baby.  When I made other people cry today, we were talking about how our plans are different than God's.  And I was crying about how I wanted my plans, and they were all with you.  And how I hadn't realized I would grieve so hard for the babies I wanted with you.  It's true though. I spend so much time thinking about what our life could have been like together.  Would we have had a baby together?  Would it have been a baby girl? Or a boy? Red hair and blue eyes like daddy? Or brown hair and greens like mommy and brother? Or maybe something entirely different. But I'll never know, because I never get to feel your baby growing inside of me.  I never get to see the pride and awe on your face when you hold your baby for the first time.  And it's just not fair, Christopher.  I love you.  I wanted so many things with you.  I always thought you wanted them with me, too.  I hope you did.

I'm trying really hard to focus on happy memories with you most of the time.  It's really not all that hard most of the time.  You made me so happy.  And I have so many great memories with you.  But I feel so sad so often because you weren't mine nearly long enough.  And that's hard.  I thought I had many years with you.  It's hard knowing my time with you is already over.

I love you and miss you so much it hurts


Tuesday, December 15, 2015

So Many Questions

Dear Christopher,

I love you. I said goodbye to a couple of friends today because it makes them uncomfortable that I talk about you all the time.  I'm prepared to say goodbye to more, if I must. I'm not prepared to quit talking about you. You're too important.  And I love you too much.

Today's a rough day.  I'm struggling with all the different plans you made.  Was I really plan A?  And the others were back up plans? Or was I only hearing what you thought I wanted to hear? I love you.  I just wanted you to be honest. That's all. And I hate it so much that I can't ask you now.  I have so many questions for you.  I wish you could come home so I could ask.  You belong here with me, Christopher.  I'm not sure how to do this without you.

It's almost Christmas.  It was supposed to be your best Christmas yet, remember? And maybe it will be.  Christmas in heaven is probably pretty magical.  But it's going to be my worst Christmas yet.  Because I'm here and you're not.  And there are so many things I still need from you.  And so many things I still want to do for you. And with you.  Why did you leave me, Christopher? Why? You were supposed to be with me for a long time. You promised. You said you loved me and you wouldn't leave me.  But you did.

I miss you so much it hurts


Monday, December 14, 2015

You Made Me a Better Person

Dearest Christopher,

I no longer immediately reach for my phone to send you a "Good morning baby. I miss you" text when I wake up. I guess part of me is finally accepting that you can't text from heaven.  But I miss you more than ever. I don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to be ok.  I think I'm getting better at faking it though.

Yesterday was Sunday and I didn't have a breakdown in the church parking lot when I thought about how I always always texted you there after church each week. I cried a little bit while I was driving, but not like usual. I think I'm getting better at holding it all together even when I'm falling apart on the inside.

One of my favorite quotes at the moment says "If people knew how much I truly missed you they'd wonder how I'm even breathing."  And it's true.  I miss you that much.  I know our relationship was far from perfect but it was right. It was what I needed.  You helped me grow and become a better person.  I loved you so much, so unconditionally.  I still do.  I still don't know how to imagine a future without you.  It's so dark and lonely.  But I also know you would want me to find the light and the colors and let them back in.  You would want that for me.  And I'm trying baby. I really am.

I love you so much and miss you too.


Sunday, December 13, 2015

I Still Need You

Dear Christopher,

I miss you baby. So much.  And I love you even more.  I have all this love for you that has nowhere to go.

I'm making bad choices.  I know they're bad choices even while I'm making them.  But I'm making them anyway, because I'm so confused about everything. Why did you do this, Christopher? Why did you leave me to make all these decisions I don't want to make?  We were supposed to be a team.  You weren't supposed to leave me.  I know. You didn't leave me on purpose.  None of this was about me.  But the result is still the same.  I'm still here to make choices I don't want to make because you're not here to help me. And I miss you and need you.  You always said I didn't need you like you needed me.  But you were wrong.  I need you.

I still think about you all the time. You're still my first thought in the morning and my last one at night.  And most of the ones in between.  I have no idea how to get over you.  I don't even know if I want to.  I just love you so much. No one else could ever be as right for me as you are.  And I don't want to settle for second best after having you.

I miss you so much it hurts


Saturday, December 12, 2015

Why Did You Have To Go?

Dearest Christopher,

I keep thinking I want to hang out with someone else.  Because I miss you so much.  But then I hang out with someone else, and I'm sad.  Because it just makes me miss you. Because you're who I want to be hanging out with. I wish you were here.  Last night Elliott and I met a friend at Planet Pizza.  When I watched Elliott and him play a game together I almost cried.  I kept thinking about how much fun you would have had playing with him there.  Like you did at Chuck E Cheese's in October.  We lost so much when we lost you.  We both love and miss you so much.

I never was so sure of anything in my life as I was that you belonged with me.  I was absolutely positive that God placed you in my life because we were supposed to get married and have a family together.  You were so perfect for me.  And you and Elliott got along so well. And you guys missed each other when you were apart.  I had no doubt you were the step father he was supposed to have.  And now you aren't here.  And we're both so heartbroken.  Baby why did you leave us?  Why weren't we enough?  I love you Christopher.  I'm still positive I've never loved anyone like I love you.   You told me I told you that, when I was half asleep on benadryl, when I couldn't have lied even if I had wanted to.  It's always been true, Chris.  It's always been you. No one else ever has been able to hold a candle to you.  I love you like I've never loved anyone else.  And like no one else has ever loved you.

I miss you so much


Friday, December 11, 2015

I'm So Sorry

Dearest Christopher,

I love you. I miss you.  I wish you could come home. I know you can't.  But I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. How do I do this without you?   Why did you love me so much, and yet still leave me?  I thought I knew what heart break felt like.  But I had no idea. I had no idea about pain that makes you wish you were dead.  Not just because I miss you, but because the pain is so bad.  Baby I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry. I should have done more for you.  I am so sorry.  I ruined our entire lives by not trying harder.  I'm so sorry.  If I had tried harder, and been a better girlfriend, you would be here with me right now.  I'm so sorry.  I loved you so much. But it wasn't enough. I'm sorry.

I love you more than I ever thought possible.  And I miss you even more than that.


Thursday, December 10, 2015

I Miss You

Dearest Christopher,

Today I woke up and I almost felt numb again. Like I did so much the first week.  I welcomed it.  It's easier to be numb than in so much physical pain.  But the pain is back.  I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe at the moment.

Mario told me again how he thought we were right together and should have got married. And how you wanted to marry me. It makes me happy to know that other people saw how happy we made each other.  But I just ache so bad for what I feel should have been my future.  I don't want the one you left me with.  I don't want to fall in love with someone else.  I want you back. I've never in my life been so sure that I was in love with someone, like I was with you.

I bought rings for our anniversary.  It should have been a fun surprise, since we always talked about pretending we were already married.   The rings were cheap, but they were supposed to be our starter rings, until I was divorced and we needed real ones.  I was so nervous at first about wearing the ring without you.  But now that I have it out of its package I wear it all the time, except when I'm doing dishes or showering.  I even wear it while I sleep.

I love you baby. I miss you so much that the stomach ache and pain in my chest are there more often than not.  I don't know how to live without you.  I never wanted to.  I wish there was a way you could help me.  But of course if you could, you would still be here, and we'd be lying in bed together right now making Christmas plans instead of me lying here trying to figure out how to survive.

I miss you so much.


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

One Month

Dearest Christopher,

I love you so much. I miss everything about you.  One month ago my entire world shattered, when you left it. This has been the longest month of my life, but also the shortest. It almost seems as if time has lost all meaning without you.  I miss you.

Three months ago today you and I were together.  When I finally convinced you to get out of bed we went to Chicago.  We had a wonderful day there together.  We went to a museum, we went to Navy Pier and we made plans for things we would do next time we went to Chicago, planning on taking Elliott the next time.  We had a long heart to heart talk about our pasts.  I told you I didn't care about your past, I just wanted your future.  You told me you didn't deserve me, but were glad I was yours.  We held hands.  Strangers told us we were perfect together.  The man who took our picture even told you you should marry me.  It was a perfect day, and I remember thanking God for giving you to me while we were on the Ferris wheel.

In the car you told me if you could live anywhere it would be North Dakota because that's where your future wife lived.  You said you would live wherever I did, because I was what mattered.  You switched from saying "If we get married..." to "when we're married..."  I noticed.  It made me so happy.  I always knew we were supposed to get married.  The next morning I said "Hey babe?  Thanks for the perfect day."  You said "It was the best day of my life."  It really was a fantastic day baby.  I'm glad we had it together.  I always thought I'd give you many more fantastic days, but I'm so glad we had that one, and that I know it meant a lot to you, too.

I don't know how everything spun out of control over the next two months.  It seems so crazy that you could go from the best day of your life to the worst of mine so quickly.  But you did.  And I miss you so much.

A month into our relationship I told the guy in Florida that I loved you, and I thought you loved me too. A few days later you told me you did.  And it was one of the happiest days of my life. I knew already that we were supposed to be together for the rest of our lives.  We were together for the rest of yours.  Now how do I live the rest of mine without you?

I love you so much, Christopher.


Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Getting From Here to There

Dearest Christopher,

I love you. I miss you. I need you here with me.  But since I can't have you, I'll learn how to survive without you.  But it's so hard.  The pain is so intense.  I know you were in a lot of pain while you were alive.   Did you realize you would transfer that pain to your mom and me? And anyone else who loved you?

Yesterday I wrote a post about how much I miss you on Facebook.  I used one of my favorite quotes as the picture.  It says "People keep telling me that life goes on, but, to me, that's the saddest part."  And it really is.  I miss you.  I'm so sad that my life is still going on without you here. I waited 32 years to find the person I can't live without.  And four short months later I was forced to live without him anyway.  Only now I know what I'm missing.

I won't say you were the other half of who I am.  We were both alive for 32 years apart.  But I'll say that together we were better than we were alone.  Maybe I was the cheese to your burger.  We were ok apart, but wonderful together.  And I miss you.  Now that I know what it's like to be part of something wonderful and whole, where we just melted into each other and belonged together.  I'm still whole I guess.  But it's not the same now that I know what could have been.

When I posted on Facebook about how hard it is without you a friend commented and asked if you were my boyfriend.  A simple "Yes" didn't seem sufficient.  So I told her a little bit about our wonderful love story.  About how much I love you and how much you love me.  My ending line was "They say in time I'll be ok again.  And I believe that's true. It's just getting from here to there that's the problem."

And that is the problem babe.  I want to be ok again.  I know that's what you want, too.  But baby it's so hard.  It's hard being ok when I'm still so upset about everything I lost.  And I get that I didn't lose nearly as much as you did, so I'm being selfish.  But baby, I'm the one that has to live this life alone.  Without the person who brings me sunshine and quiets my cries.

I love you so much that it hurts.


Monday, December 7, 2015

Four Weeks

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning.  I love you. I wonder if you ever got the messages I sent to you 4 weeks ago today, or if you were already too far gone.  I miss you so much.

Last night I came to a conclusion.  I'm not reaching out to anyone in your family in any way anymore.  If they want to talk to me, I'll talk to them, but I won't be the one to try anymore.  They're not my family and now they never will be. I tried baby.  Because they were your family and I love you so much.  But it's hard.  Our relationship never mattered to them.  They don't care how very much in love we were.

I love you, and I miss you.  I miss everything about you.  This pain is so unbearable.  Especially at night when I'm lying here alone, when I should be next to you.  I've cried so many tears for you, both when you were alive and now that you're gone.  I don't see that stopping anytime soon.

Four weeks ago I was worried about you.  But I was excited that I was getting ready to see you again.  I was packing.  I was researching things to help you.  I was checking into counseling services.  I assumed I would be seeing you in just a couple of days.  And it would be hard, because you were in so much pain.  But I thought you wanted to see me again.  I thought you were really planning on coming home with me and us going together to get the help you needed.  I thought I was so close to getting you home with me, where I could help you.  Baby I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.  I tried my hardest, but I couldn't save you.  And I will regret that for the rest of my life.  No one wanted to save you more than I did.  I always saw how great and beautiful you were on the inside and the outside.

I'm grieving so hard now baby. I'm missing you so much it physically hurts.  I'm grieving for our family that we will never be able to have.  I'm hurting because of the way your family is acting. I'm hurting because people who didn't show you how much they loved you while you were alive, suddenly are.  And that bothers me.  Why couldn't they do that while you were alive?  Why did you think that your mom, Jon, and Elliott were the only ones that loved you besides me?  Would it have made a difference if they had shown you love? Could they have even done it? Or is it just guilt now?  Baby, I hope you never ever even for one minute doubted I loved you.  I know sometimes I hurt you. And I'm really sorry for that.  But even when I'd say something hurtful I always tried to make sure you knew I still loved you.  I was just hurting.

My grief is so complicated.  I wish I could talk about it with someone who knew and loved you.  I wish I could explain to someone all that I lost when I lost you.  But no one would get it.  Because no one liked me while you were still alive.  Now I'm just a reminder of what they lost.  I wonder if your mom grieves for the children you'll never have, the way I do? You were so good with Elliott.  You would have been a great daddy.  I grieve for the fact that Elliott never gets you now.  And we never get another one of our own together.

I hurt for any guy I ever enter a relationship with in the future.  I had enough complications from my past to make me a not so great choice.  I know you always loved me anyway, despite all that.  But now there's another layer for any guy in the future to deal with.  How do they compete with my dead soul mate?  I know you weren't perfect, but you were perfect for me.

I love you so much babe.


Sunday, December 6, 2015

You Were Brave and Strong

Dearest Christopher,

I love you so much.  Sundays are so hard. Today marks four weeks since I last heard your voice.  And I miss it SO much.  I miss everything about you, though.  Even the things I didn't always like.  I would give anything to hear you say anything to me right now, even if it was "Babe? Can you get off me? I'm tired of cuddling."  Haha.  I hope you always knew how much I appreciated you cuddling with me even though you didn't especially like it.  I love you.

Today I read this thing about how we choose life partners.  It said we look for partners that have the qualities we wish we had, and partners that have something we were lacking from our childhood.  The qualities you had that I want are bravery, strength, and a fighting spirit.  Those were some of my favorite things about you.  I remember you asked me once why I was in love with you when we were so different.  I love you. And I loved the qualities I just listed.  Plus you were funny, cute, loving, and sweet.

If I had to guess, the qualities you were looking for and found in me were optimism, happiness, and the ability to love so completely with all of me, no matter what.

I'm not sure I'm still that same girl now, though.  And I'm not sure I'll ever be her again.  But I'm trying to become a better version of myself, because of you.  I hope I make you proud, baby.

I love you so much it hurts.


Saturday, December 5, 2015

3 Months Ago...

Dearest Christopher,

Today I miss you so much I woke up crying.  And kept crying for a while.  Happy 3 month anniversary baby, from the day we first met face to face.

It's later in the day than when I usually write to you.  I wanted to wait until it was late enough that I was already at your house 3 months ago today.  And at this time, we had just finished dinner with Jeff and were back at your house.  You were so cute and so nervous when you asked if I was sure that I wanted to stay with you.  I was afraid you meant you didn't want me to.  But you pulled me close to you and said you wanted me with you always.  You just weren't sure I wanted to be with you, especially after the drama with Jon.

I knew that night I was in love with you.  I knew I never wanted to fall asleep in anyone else's arms again.  You and I were the perfect fit together. Curling up on your chest was just so right.

If I had known then that you would only be mine for two more months, I don't think I would have changed anything, except maybe paid better attention to all the little things about you.  I remember tracing my hands along your scars that night.  And I told you "I'm sorry you were in a place that this was the best way to deal with it.  But I'm glad you're ok now, and here with me."  You said "Me too baby.  I love you."  Two months later you were back in that same place, and I couldn't save you.  I'm so sorry.  I have never wanted anything so much in my life as I want one more night with you.  One more night where I'm curled up against you with my head on your chest and you slowly tracing patterns on my back while we talk about anything and everything.

Every day the pain gets worse, not better.  Every day is another day I don't get to talk to the love of my life.  We should be decorating our house for Christmas this week baby.  But instead I'm here alone.  And I won't decorate.  Because I don't want Christmas without you, Christopher.  I don't want anything without you Chris.  But I have to, because you left me.  And I don't know how to deal with that.

I love you so much and I miss you every single second of the day.


Friday, December 4, 2015

Can't Sleep

Dearest Christopher,

It's almost 4 am and I can't sleep.  I miss you so much and I can't stop crying.  I wonder if the pain will ever go away.  I don't think it ever will.  As long as I'm alive, I'll love and miss you.  I don't know how to live without you.  But I'm trying, baby.  Believe me, I'm trying.

I've been on pinterest looking at quotes.  I know you thought I spent too much time looking at quotes but sometimes it makes me feel better to realize that other people are going through what I'm going through.  I know there are a lot of sad people out there.  And I'm sad for them.  But I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

Ironically I read a quote at 3:41 (4:41 in Michigan) that said "It's 4:41 am, I wish I was pressed against your chest listening to your heartbeat instead of the rain."  And that's the kind of thing I would have sent you while you were alive.  Because I missed you so much anytime we were apart.  But now that you're gone, it's even more meaningful.  I would give up almost anything to be in your arms right now.

I miss you so much that it physically hurts me baby.  I don't know to do this.  I know I say that a lot. But it's true.  I miss you.  And I need you. I love you so much.  I don't ever want to stop loving you, but I wish it would become less painful.

Every single day I think of something else I should have tried to save you.  And every day I realize that I didn't try hard enough to save you.  I hope you realized that I was doing the best I knew how to do though.  I love you.  And if love alone would have been enough, you'd still be here.  My love for you is strong, deep, and complete.  You used to say it was scary.  It wasn't when you were alive.  But sometimes it is now.  Because you aren't here.  And it feels like there's nowhere for it to go.

I love you so much it hurts.


Thursday, December 3, 2015

First Therapy Appointment

Dearest Christopher,

I love you so much.  I miss you more than I imagined possible.  I thought I thought about you all the time when you were still alive.  And I did think about you a lot.  But not like now.  You're always on my mind baby.  I love you. Living without you isn't getting easier.  I don't know how it ever will.

I had therapy yesterday.  She told me all my symptoms and feelings were normal.  She said I'm going through one of the roughest things a person can go through.  And that being so far from the other people that love you complicates my grieving process.  Because I need to talk to them.  But I can't. I feel like I'm bugging your mom and sister when I talk to them.

I'm looking at a picture of my sister, Elliott, and me at Chuck e cheese.  It makes me angry that you didn't take one with Elliott that day.  He doesn't have a single picture of the two of you together.  And that's not fair.  He loves you and he misses you.  And the pictures he stares at are one of just you, and one of you and me together.  Because that's all he has.

I love you so much.  But I'm so upset that you hurt Elliott. I don't like it that you hurt anyone, but especially Elliott.  You did this while his dad was deployed and he was already going through rough stuff.  It really sucks.  He didn't deserve any of this.

Elliott has already forgiven you though.  He did almost immediately.  He said you loved us, and we love you.  And you would watch over us from heaven.  He said you would never choose to leave us, because you belonged with us.  He was right. You did love us, and we both love you.  And we belong together.  We were supposed to be a family.

I love you more than I ever thought possible, and I miss you even more.


Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Therapy Today

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning handsome.  I miss you.  I have my first real therapy appointment today.  I'm pretty nervous.  I hope it will help.  I need to talk to someone.  I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry.  I can't believe you did this to us!  I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general.  Because this really really sucks.  I want you to come home!!

Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again.  I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you.  I hate that babe.  I could not stop crying.  How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe.  I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher.  This is so unfair.  You were way too young to die and leave me here alone.  And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already.  How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??

I know our relationship was far from perfect.  But I never wanted a perfect relationship.  I wanted a real one, and I had that with you.  Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together.  When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you.  And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either.  But now I'm forced to live mine without you.  And I just don't know how to do it.

I love you so much it hurts


Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Finally A Smile

Dearest Christopher,

This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always.  But this morning there was a smile on my face.  I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone.  But I was smiling at some of my memories of you.  The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it!  I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha.  It's always been one of my favorite memories.  We were both so happy.  It was the first night I was in Michigan.

Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary.  I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me.  But we were supposed to celebrate it.  Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me.  That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do.  What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change.  I will still love you forever.

Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret.  Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it.  I love you more than I ever thought possible.  And living without you sucks.  When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep.  But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time.  And I always knew you would come back to me.  You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me.  And I always believed it was true.  I was the best thing that ever happened to you.  And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too.  But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me.  I still don't know how to survive.

I love you and I miss you so much