Monday, November 30, 2015

Three Weeks Without You

Dearest Christopher,

Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath.  I still don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to be ok yet.  Will I ever be ok again?  Some days I think I might be.  Other days I'm sure I won't be.  I just miss you so much.  I hurt all the time.  I fake smiles and I laugh.  But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes.  Like in the one picture that everyone else likes.  But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy.  You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you.  I'm still in love with you.  But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy.  I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you.  And that you loved me back.  But I'm so sad because it's over.  I never wanted it to end.

I start grief counseling in two days.  I hope it goes well.  I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen.  I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense.  But they don't.  And they never will.  Because you aren't here.  And you made sense.  You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing.  You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life.  I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again.  I didn't lie.  I was there for the rest of your life.  But why can't you be here for mine??  Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32??  Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else.  But I don't want anyone else.  I want YOU.  And you left me!!

I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs.  For months now that's been you.  I can't go to sleep without thinking about you.  And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare.  And I can't wake up from it.  You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time.  It made me happy because  I thought about you all the time, too.  I still do.  But now it makes me sad.  Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here.  I don't really blame you.  I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope.  I love you so much.  I would have done anything for you.  Anything at all.  I hope you always knew that.

I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week.  How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you?  How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy?  I just want you back.  The pain I feel is unbearable.  It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you.  And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long.  This is absolutely unbearable.  I don't know how to live with this pain.  All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby.  I miss you so much.  You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about.  What do I do now?  Who do I turn to?  The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.

I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone.  I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me.  But I think it made things harder.  I KNOW you still loved me.  But I was so scared and hurt that last week.  I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though.  I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone.  It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died.  I hope you still know that it's true.

I love you so much baby


Sunday, November 29, 2015

Sundays Are Awful

Dearest Christopher,

Sundays are hard.  I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send.  But it's still hard.  3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me.  I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again.  I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could.  Just listening to you.  I miss you so much baby.  I need you here with me.

I love you Chris. I love you so very much.  I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted.  I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it.  Why are you making me???  I was sure we would be together forever.  I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine.  And that sucks.  It's unfair.  I love you.  And I want you here with me.  I'm sorry if that makes me selfish.  But I miss you. And I need you.  I don't know who I even am without you.

Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done.  When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok.  I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me.  If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me.  But you never chose her, did you?  You chose me.  I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to.  I was the one you promised to spend your life with.  And I want to say thank you for that.  But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you.  It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile.  Waking up next to you was amazing.  Waking up alone is awful.

I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you.  They say they're worried that I'm not myself.  I don't even know who I am.  How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me.  I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok.  I just miss you so much.  I'd do almost anything to feel better again.

I love you so much it hurts


Saturday, November 28, 2015

it's So Hard Without You

Dearest Christopher,

I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone.  Your sister once said it was hard to love you.  It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now.  It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore.  You were mine.  You belonged with me.  And you took so much of me when you left.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house.  And I'm still terrified about leaving my house.  I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it.  I don't even want to do those things really.  I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie.  But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house.  And that's scary.

I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday.  I'm really nervous, but I know I need it.  I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it.  And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time.  I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that.  I love you so much and I always did.

It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out.  Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year.  I hate it that it won't be there.  I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year.  But I can't, because of Elliott.  Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.

I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.


Friday, November 27, 2015

Black Friday

Dearest Christopher,

I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was.  Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping.  I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg.  You said it might even be fun.

I'm at home.  And I can't even seem to do it online.  Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now.  And I have to do this.  Without you.  You treated me too well.  You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do.  Until the 9th, when you left me.  Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do.  Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.

I put on this happy face every single day.  I don't want people to worry about me.  But inside I feel so dead.  I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard.  I miss you. I miss being happy.  People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now.  They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.

I just miss you.  And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day.  But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.

Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.


Thursday, November 26, 2015

Thanksgiving Without You

Dearest Christopher,

Happy Thanksgiving, baby.  I had so many plans for today.  It was supposed to be our first big holiday together.  We were going to cook a turkey with all the sides and spend the afternoon with Elliott, being thankful that we were now a family together.  Instead I'm lying in bed missing the best boyfriend I ever had.

I'm not sure what I'm cooking today, but it's certainly not a turkey.  I don't know how to get through this day without you.  I love you and I miss you.  It's so hard being here without you.  The sadness is too much so much of the time.

I remember you telling me you expected me to move on quickly if anything ever happened to you. The truth is, baby, I don't know if I'll ever be ready.  I've started faking the smiles, and pretending like I'm ok now, so people don't worry.  But inside I'm dead.  I just miss you so much.  And I love you so much.  I can't imagine how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without you.  Fake it til you make it I guess.  I wonder if people can see how I'm still not ok.  I wonder if it matters.

I'm in love with you, Christopher.  That much I know is still true.  I talk to other people, and I just miss you.  I try to make new friends.  I want to feel happy again.  But it's so hard to feel happy without you.  You said I was one of the happiest people you knew.  I want to be happy again baby.  I miss it.  But I was always happiest with you.  How do I get there again without you?

I hope Thanksgiving is fantastic in heaven.  It sure is miserable here without you.

I love you so much I can't stand the pain.


Wednesday, November 25, 2015

You're My Best Friend

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning baby.  I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself.  And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse.  You belong here with me.  And I miss you.  You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.

I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard.  You're still the only friend I want to talk to.  Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California.  She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you.  I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel.  But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried.  She had a lovely post about him on Facebook.  I cried like a baby.  Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard.  I just want you back baby.  But I know I can't have you.

You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to.  But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would.  I just want to be held by you.  I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping.  I miss you so much.

I love you and miss you so much it hurts.


Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Lonely, Sad, and Missing You

Dear Christopher,

I'm lonely and sad today.  I want to talk to you.  I want to hear your voice, and your laugh.  I want to hear you tell me you love me, and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.  I want to touch you.  I want to curl up halfway on top of you in my favorite position.  But instead, I'll sit here and write you a letter and cry.

It's amazing some of the things I've learned about you since you died baby.  Some of them I could have gone my whole life without knowing.  Others I'm glad I learned.  I'm not mad at you about anything I've learned.  But I'm sad that you kept some of the secrets you did from me.  I would have always loved you no matter what.  I still will always love you no matter what.  But some things would have been better coming from you.

I miss you so much I wonder if I'll ever fully heal.  If it's even possible to heal from this much pain.  You took so much of me with you.  People tell me I should be angry with you for leaving me.  And occasionally  I am.  But mainly I'm just sad.  I'm so sad that you left me.  I'm so sad that I couldn't save you.  I think I might literally die from a broken heart.  I hurt so bad.

Did you know that self destructive behavior is an especially common side effect in people who lost their life partner to a tragic death while in their 20's and 30's?  I didn't realize it was, until I started living it.  The self destructive thoughts are intense.  I want relief from this sadness any way I can get it, though.  It's so tough.

I've spent a lot of time lately wondering why you walked into my life and turned everything upside down.  And I think about how unfair it is that I got you for such a short amount of time.You were mine baby.  You were supposed to stay mine much longer, though.  I wouldn't trade a single second I had you for anything.  But it seems so unfair that I got you for such a short amount of time.  And my pain will last much much longer than the joy.

I love you so much that it hurts.


Monday, November 23, 2015

Two Weeks

Dear Christopher,

Mornings are definitely the hardest part of the day these days.  Waking up without you is terrible.  I woke up because of a text message this morning, but of course it wasn't you.  So I cried. I would give anything to wake up next to you one more time babe. I miss you and love you so much.

I sent you a message once that said in French they don't say I miss you, they say you're missing from me.  At the time I meant because you were a thousand miles away.  Now you really are missing from me.  And I struggle to handle that.  I am so in love with you.

It's been two weeks since you died.  The two most awful weeks in my existence.  I told you before I had been through some rough stuff.  And you know I had.  But none of that was anything like this.

People are ready for me to move on.  Guys are asking me out again. I just want friends, though, baby.  But I need someone.  Besides Elliott, Jon was the last one to really hug me. And that was over a week ago.  I needed to be hugged.  You always thought it was weird how much physical touch I needed.  I need it even more now.  Just a long hug.

It's almost thanksgiving.  I'm trying to remember to be thankful for everything I have. But the grief for everything I lost is intense.  I miss you.  I miss the plans I had with you for the future.  I miss everything about you.  If I could have you back, I'd do anything in my power to keep you with me forever.  I love you so much.

I talked to your mom a little yesterday.  She's struggling of course.  I wish I could do something to help her.  I'm praying for her though.  As bad as this is for me, I can't imagine how it is for her.

I love you more than I ever thought possible.


Sunday, November 22, 2015

Thank You

Dearest Christopher,

I miss you so much.  I haven't actually been crying when I woke up the last three mornings, but the weight in my chest is heavy.  You're still my first thought in the morning and my last one at night.  I love you. I'm still not sure how to accept that you're not coming back to me.  From the first time I saw you in person, I knew I belonged to you.  It was always you, Chris.  Always.  No matter how hard things were.  No matter how much you pushed me away.  You were always my choice.

Last night I was able to talk about you without crying the entire time.  I'm working hard on that.  I know I'll always be sad because of the way you left me.  I know we were supposed to be together.  But I'm working on smiling more and crying less when I think of you.  You were amazing.  You were strong.  You were brave.  And you were mine.  I have many wonderful memories of you.  Laughing and talking, cuddling, driving around.  I think what I miss the most is the way you looked when you were sleepy but trying to stay awake because I wouldn't shut up.

I know you weren't perfect.  And to be honest, I was an awful girlfriend sometimes.  But we were perfect together.  We were just exactly right and what the other one needed.

Thank you so much for coming into my life.  Thank you for teaching me so many valuable lessons.  Thank you for showing me how to trust again.  Thank you for everything.

I love you so much that I don't know how to live without you.  But I'm trying, baby.  I'm trying.


Saturday, November 21, 2015

Lonely and Sad

Dearest Christopher,

I woke up not crying again this morning.  And I even slept through the night last night.  I think I slept about 9.5 hours, and only woke up when Elliott woke me up.  Of course it didn't take long for me to start crying, because I still miss you so much.  But sleeping without tears feels nice.  But then I almost feel guilty for not missing you while I sleep.  I know that's insane.  And you wouldn't want me to cry for you.  And you would want me to be ok again.  But it's just so hard.

I can't seem to fully accept you aren't coming back to me.  We belong together.  And I miss you.  I always missed you when we were apart.  I was always thinking about you.  You were always the first thought on my mind in the morning, and the last one on my mind at night.  And that brought me comfort.  Because you said I was your first and last thought, too.  But now you're gone.  And you're still my first and last thought.  But I can't text you or call you to tell you about it.  I just write letters, but of course you can't write back.

I can now see your smile sometimes when I close my eyes.  It is so much better.  I can almost hear your laugh.  I'm so worried about losing the ability to remember how you sounded though.  I don't have a single recording of the way you sound, and that hurts.  I miss your voice so much.  You always said I was crazy, but I always loved your voice, and your laugh, even when we were just friends.  It was such a beautiful sound.

I feel so lonely and scared without you here.  The forums help, but they all talk about their friends hugging them and listening to them.  You were the one I relied on for that kind of support.  I don't have anyone else.  Carl is there to listen to me and tell me he loves me anyway.  But I need to be held.  And I don't have that.  And I know that if I had lost anyone else you would have been on the first train to me if you weren't already with me, no matter what.  But I don't have anyone else like that.  I feel so alone.

I've been trying to get into a grief counselor.   But haven't had luck with that.  That sucks.  Because I think I could use it.  But I've called twice and so far I've not had a return call.  That's rough baby.  It's hard to force myself to do anything right now.  The grief is still so overwhelming.  Some minutes I almost feel ok, but then it all comes crashing back.  And I can't stop crying again.  I'm beginning to think my eyes are going to be permanently swollen.

I miss you baby.  I would give almost anything to have you here with me right now.  I know you were in pain, but I wanted to help you.  I get that maybe that's selfish.  But I wanted you to feel better for you, too.  I just wanted to have a long life with you.  I'm so sad that I have to live the rest of my life without you.  It's so unfair.

I love you with everything in me


Friday, November 20, 2015

So Much Anger

Dear Christopher,

One week ago today I was sitting in a coffee shop with Jon.  I was trying not to cry while we talked about you.  We were both still struggling to come to terms with everything.  It was so weird being with Jon without you there.  You should have been there with us baby.  But instead we were talking about your memorial.

Today, for the first time since I found out, I woke up and wasn't crying.  In my dream, I was actually able to read your text message.  It didn't make sense, but I could read it.  That's an improvement.

I spent a lot of time yesterday talking to people on a forum.  I think it was good for me.  These people understand a little bit more about what I'm going through.  I'm so sad that they do.  But it's comforting, too.

Baby, I am so angry at everyone.  It took me completely by surprise.  I'm angry at you for hurting Elliott, but I can't seem to be angry at you for hurting me, even though people say that's coming.  I'm mainly angry at people I really have no business being angry at.  And I would never voice it to them, because I get that I'm being irrational.  But I just have so much anger inside right now.  I'm so angry at people who got to marry their soulmates.  I'm so jealous.  I wanted that too!  And  I don't get to.  I'm so angry at people who say they understand my pain, when they really have no idea.  I want to lash out at them, but I know they're trying to help, so I just say thanks.  But comparing the loss of a friend to the loss of my soulmate isn't fair.  I really wanna scream and say "Did you sit in your dead "friend's" bathroom and cry until you hyperventilated when you started your period, because you realized you could never have his baby??  Because I did.  Do you wake up so cold your teeth are chattering, and reach for the person who is supposed to be sleeping next to you, only to remember he's not there?  Because I do.  Please don't tell me you understand unless you've lost the love of your life, the person you were supposed to spend your life with."

I don't sleep in my bed.   You're supposed to be there with me.  I sleep on the couch.  Or in the recliner.  I know eventually I'm going to have to go back to sleeping in my bed.  And maybe eventually the memories of you there will bring me comfort.  But for now, they just hurt.  I tried Sunday afternoon, but I haven't been back since then.  In fact I don't think I've even stepped into the room since then.  I still haven't figured out how to face it.  Even on the couch I wake up reaching for you, trying to get closer to your warmth.  Only to realize your warmth is gone forever.

I'm trying to move forward through this awful grief, babe.  But it's hard.  I want to talk to you about it.  Because you are who I went to with my problems.  But you aren't here.  I talk to Mario about it some.  And he's fairly understanding.  He knows we belonged together.  I've talked to your sister a little bit.  But her grief is so strong, too.  She misses you.  And she has regrets.  I'm pushing away people who didn't know you.  I'm not doing it on purpose.  But I make them uncomfortable.  They don't know how to deal with such incredible sadness.  I tried reaching out to my mom, but that went terribly wrong.  I love her, but I have to accept the fact that she will just continue to make things worse.  So I'm done with that for now.  I miss you so much baby.  I need you.  There are so many things I need to tell you.  And so many things I need you to tell me.  I need to hold you.  I need to sleep against you.  But I just don't get what I need right now.

I love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love someone who wasn't my child.  Thanks for giving me that.  Thanks for always loving me back, too.  Even when I was a total pain.  I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life.  Thanks for allowing me to believe that some people can be trusted to love you unconditionally no matter what.

I love you so much


Thursday, November 19, 2015

Your Smell

Dear Christopher,

Good morning, baby.  I miss you.  How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me?   It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.

I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me.  I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now.  I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead.  But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.

People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams.  But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them.  I would rather see your face, baby.  One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was.  Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life.  Why did we do it baby?  We both knew it was a mistake.

I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday.  He assured me I'm normal.  But also told me I should really see a grief counselor.  I called and left a message with her yesterday.  I actually took that step myself.  Proud of me baby?  You know how much I hate making appointments...

Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched.  It was hard, baby.  Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?

I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died.  You were so young baby.  I wanted you at least 32 years more.  I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have.  I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough.  But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too.  I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college.  And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good.   Now the picture has changed.  I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.

How do I live without you babe?  I know I have to.  But it's so hard.  I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one.  And he was mine for 113 glorious days.  But he's gone now, and I must live without him.

The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more.  My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again.  It's funny how that works.  By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway.  But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.

I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you.  Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me.  Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely.  I hope you always knew that.

I love you so much it hurts.


Wednesday, November 18, 2015

You Were Mine

Dearest Christopher,

I keep thinking "the hardest thing about this is..."  but to tell the truth, the hardest thing about this is simply knowing I have to live without you.  When all I want to do is see your face again.  And hold you.  I would give anything to be curled up against you right now.  I love you so much.  And it's so sad and lonely without you.  I wake up crying and shaking.  I go to sleep crying.  I don't even realize that I'm crying as I am just sitting, thinking of nothing.

A week ago today was the day my entire life fell to pieces.  It was the day I got the text message saying you were gone.  I already knew something was up.  Then panic attack I had last Tuesday was too intense for everything to be ok.  But the confirmation on Wednesday that it was my worst nightmare was awful.  I thought it was the worst day of my entire life.  Now I'm not so sure.  There are a lot of "worst days" now.

People are starting to tell me it's time to return to my life.  And quit wallowing in sadness.  I know that it's my fault baby, because we never told them all you were my soulmate.  But it's HARD hearing that.  YOU were my future.  Without you, I'm so empty.  What life am I supposed to be returning to?  I'm trying to be ok for Elliott.  But really I just want to fall to pieces and never stop.

I have an appointment today at 2 to talk to a behavioral specialist.  I have no idea what to expect.  I just know I miss you.  And this pain is so intense.

You were right, babe.  I talk to a bunch of sick freaks online.  People are already asking me when I'll be ready for another relationship.  I thought these people were my friends.  Why aren't they giving me time to grieve you first?  They think it's funny when  I say I might be ready in a year.  But baby, how do I move on when I had my soulmate?  And he's gone.

I'm so needy right now, baby.  I'm basically begging for reassurance that I was the one you chose.  I'm struggling so much with the fact that SHE keeps signing your guestbook and saying how much she loves and misses you.  I believed you when you said you guys were just friends now.  And friends assure me I was the one you loved, but man, it's hard.  It's hard seeing someone else say how much they love the love of MY life.  And to imply that they feel the same way without you that I do.  You were MINE Christopher!!  You gave your heart to me.  You promised a life with ME!  I have your stuff all over my house, still waiting for you to come back.  I met your friends, I met your family.  I slept curled up against you.  I know she did none of those things.  But why is she still doing this?  I think maybe she doesn't know about me, and that hurts.  But I have to let it go.  And rest in the fact that I was your choice.  And your friends all agree.  You loved ME.  You wanted to spend your life with ME.  You were going to marry ME.  And that's enough.  Because I feel the exact same way about you.  You still have my heart.  I still love you more than ever.  I still want a life with you, even though I can't have it.

Baby, I miss you and I need you.  I keep telling everyone I'm not ok.  But I don't know how to describe it any more than that.  How am I supposed to be ok, when my entire world came crashing down around me?   How am I supposed to be ok, knowing that the man I promised to spend my life with is gone?  It kills me that we never officially got engaged.  You asked me four times, but always said it wasn't official yet.  That kills me.  Because now I never get to be your wife, or even your fiance.  And when I say my boyfriend died suddenly, that's somehow something I'm supposed to recover from quickly, where a fiance or spouse is allowed to take all the time they need.  I need time, too.  You were mine in every way that mattered baby.  Just not legally.

I love you so much that it hurts.


So Cold And Alone

I wrote this one yesterday but it wouldn't publish in the morning, and then I forgot later.

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning handsome.  How I miss sending you that text message every day and waiting for you to respond with "Good morning beautiful.  How did you sleep?" The answer today is broken.  I was up every hour or two.  Reaching for you.  It's so cold sleeping without you.  I didn't even realize that until I was in your bed Friday night without you.  Now I understand what you meant when you told me how cold it was without me when I left your house in September.  I'm so cold I don't know if I'll ever be warm again.

Yesterday was a really bad day, baby.  There was so much guilt and pain. We still have weeks until we get the toxicology report.  And even then we won't know exactly what happened.  But it might help.

J and I talked again yesterday.  She said I need professional help.  I already knew that, though.  You knew she loved you, right?  She is struggling with her own regrets.  She's helping me through this though.  I kinda wish she would blame me.  I wish someone would.  I know that's crazy.  But I feel so much guilt and blame.

I love you so much baby.  I would have helped you through anything if you had come to me with your problems.  I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't see more.  Hindsight is awful.  All I ever wanted was to help you and give you a good life with me.  I never wanted to fix you.  You weren't broken.  You were amazing just as you were.  I just wanted to help you deal with stuff in a better way.

I'm still trying to figure out how to live without you.  Each hour is a struggle.  Sleep is a relief, but waking up alone is painful.  You were much too young to die and leave me here alone.   The love of your life isn't supposed to die at 32.

I keep reading things about grief.  Trying to find my way through. And everything says the real pain hasn't even started yet.  Baby, I feel like the pain's going to kill me already.  How can I possibly get through anything worse?  I'm physically sore.  And I'm so exhausted.

I keep looking for a distraction.  But all I want is to talk about you or what I'm going through.  I'm pretty sure my friends will all leave me soon.  I can't focus on anything else.  But I need to work through this somehow.  I'm so alone and empty.

I regret so much not taking more pictures of and with you.  I know you hated your pics taken.  But baby I need more.  How do I scrapbook our life together with the handful of pics I have of you?

I love you so very much, with everything inside of me.


Monday, November 16, 2015

A Week Without You

Dear Christopher,

It's 7 am and I've been up for an hour.  I actually slept about 6 hours during the night last night.  You know what am accomplishment that would have been for me, even before. I guess I don't care if I have nightmares when I sleep now, because I'm already living one I can't wake up from.  Gosh, this is so hard. I miss you so much.  And I NEED you so much.

I've been listening to the song "Goodbyes" by 3 Doors Down a lot lately.  It was an accident the first time.  I was just listening to 3 Doors Down because it reminded me of you.  Remember listening to it in Chicago?  It was one of the only bands you liked on my phone, so we listened to the entire album twice.   Now I just listen to the one song, because it's perfect.  "I look ahead, but can't move on.  I look back but I can't stay.  And I keep trying to be strong, but this pain, it won't go away.  I hope this will heal in time.  Cause I can't go on like this. Right now I would give my life for one last kiss."

People ask me whether I'm going home for Christmas.  To be honest, I can barely focus on today.  The idea of celebrating Christmas anywhere without you is more than I can comprehend.  We were supposed to be announcing our relationship to everyone at Christmas.  We were supposed to be telling people how in love we were.  And how we were planning on getting married.  And instead I'll still be trying to wrap my head around the fact that we will never be able to get married.  I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, baby.  But this is hard.  I don't know how to do this without you. I love you so much.  I would give anything to be with you right now.

I'm trying so hard to be strong, baby.  But I don't know if I'm strong enough. Everything is so hard.  And I'm so tired. I keep putting on a brave face.  But I'm so empty inside without you.  I go to the doctor Wednesday.  I have no idea what to expect.  I guess I might try grief counseling, too.  I don't even want to get better.  But I know I have to.  Elliott is going to save my life.  Even if I'm not sure I want to live.  I have to for him.

I think the hardest part is just how little time I got with you.  113 days.  You weren't even mine for a full 4 months.  And now you're gone.  I remember telling you once I had never had a relationship that lasted more than 4.5 months without getting engaged.  You promised ours would.  You were wrong baby.  I was actually planning on taking you out and having a silly celebration when we hit the 4.5 month mark next month.  And telling you I guess we made it, since we weren't officially engaged.

The fact we never officially got engaged is hard for me, too, baby.  You asked me to marry you 4 times.  But always said the official engagement would come later.  I told you yes, and meant it every single time.  Like I told J, even when we were broken up, I always just KNEW we would get back together, and get married.  I couldn't imagine a life without you in it.  You're the other piece of me.  I still can't imagine a life without you. But I have to live it.

I love you, Christopher. I can't believe it's been a week since you left me.  You were so amazing, baby.  You were probably the bravest, strongest person I've ever met.  I know your life was incredibly difficult, but you tried so hard.  I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you more than I did.  I hope you always knew how hard I tried.  And I hope you always knew that I would have never ever given up on you.  No matter what.

I love you so much, baby.


Sunday, November 15, 2015

Home, Without You

Dear Christopher,

I'm back at my own house now. I honestly thought the next time I went to to Michigan I would be bringing you back to me for good.  How do I live like this?  Knowing you are supposed to be with me, but can't be?  I laid in my bed today and cried.  I have a feeling that's the new normal.  It's just hard.  I look at your side of the bed, and think about the way you looked lying next to me.  I move my arm and pretend I can reach you and sleep with my hand on your side like I always did when we were together.  I roll away and face the other side and imagine you'll scoot closer so you can feel my warmth like before.  But the bed is cold and empty.  Trixie curls up next to me and I laugh.  I am surprised by the laughter.  But it reminds me of you putting the pillow in the floor and telling her that was her bed.  And the look on her face as she jumped up onto YOUR side of the bed.

It's been a week since I last heard your voice.  The hardest week of my life.  I love you.  And I miss you.  I'm still not sure how to do this without you.  I went to church today.  I tried to pay attention, but it was kinda hard.  My church family is still praying for me.  And your family.  That's comforting.  I hope they remember to pray for Elliott, too.

Elliott's struggling, baby.  He's trying to be strong for me.  But he misses you.  You were important to him.  Remember how he always said you were his favorite grown up besides family?  It's hard.  He thought you were moving in with us.  And even though he didn't want us to get married, he wanted you to be with us.  I don't even know how to help him.  I can barely help myself.

I know you can see me now, or you can't see this letter anyway.  But I finally ate something today.  It's awful and I'm miserable.  But I'm trying.  I slept for about 2 hours this morning when I got home, and another 1.5 this afternoon.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep more than that again.

I talked to J today.  I wrote her an entire book on facebook messenger.  Unlike her brother, she appreciated it!  Ha.  She misses you, too, Christopher.  It was nice talking to her.  I told her some stuff about our relationship. I just needed her to know how much I love you.  She told me thanks for loving you.  Like I could help but love you.  You were my everything.  She's lovely, though.  And I really hope I can get to know her better.  I always thought I would have the chance when we were sisters in law.  Now that won't ever happen, but maybe we can still be friends.  After all, we both love the most amazing man I've ever known.

I'm struggling with so much right now.  Your memorial was so hard.  I didn't know anyone besides your mom. But it was comforting talking to other people who loved you.  And hearing from Mario how you talked about me was incredible.  I'm so glad that you told someone else how you wanted to be with me, because I made you so happy.  To be honest, I was beginning to think it was all in my head.  I always thought I loved you more than you loved me, but was ok with that.  But the confirmation that you loved me AND told others about me was exactly what I needed.

Baby, I keep thinking about everything I did wrong, and what I could have done better and differently.  I know I can't change anything, and I'm just beating myself up, but I can't help it.  I hope you always knew I was doing the best I could.  I love you so much.  I'm so empty without you.  Everyone keeps telling me time will heal it, but when every minute hurts, I don't know how to cope with that.  How much time will it take?  Will I even survive it?  Some times the pain is so intense that I don't think I can ever get better.  And then I'll go numb for a little bit.  Or I'll think of something about you that makes me laugh.  The sadness can't possibly stick 24/7 and I am so thankful for that.

I feel like no one really gets what I'm going through.  But I know that's my fault.  I know I was the one that wanted to keep our relationship secret a little longer.  I was an idiot, baby, I'm sorry.  I wish now that we had told the entire world.  I would be so proud to announce loudly to everyone while holding your hand "He's mine!  We belong together forever."  I'm so sorry  I was too stupid to see that before.  I hope you never felt like it was because  I was ashamed of you.  That was certainly never the case.  I was just ashamed of myself.  And my weakness.  And that I didn't tell people before that my marriage had failed.  But Christopher I was always proud to be your girlfriend.  I hope you know that.  Being your girlfriend was amazing.  And when you referred to me as your future wife, or talked about getting married, I was ecstatic. 

I love you more than I ever thought I possibly could.  Thanks for sharing your life with me baby, and keeping your promise to love me all your life.  I just wish it had been longer.

I love you so much it hurts.


Saturday, November 14, 2015

One Last Night

Dearest Christopher,

I thought the hardest day of my life was the day I find out you were gone.  Turns out I was wrong.  It was just the first incredibly painful day of many I'm sure.

I got to sleep in your bed one last time last night.  I slept wrapped up in things that smelled like you, holding your shirt you were wearing in the first picture you ever sent to me.  I slept better than I had since you left my house last month.  But, oh the pain, this morning!  Waking up alone in your bed!  I don't know how to wake up without you every morning for the rest of my life.

I got to meet some important people to you last night and I am so thankful for that.  It was nice to see how important you were to so many people.  I'm sorry that I was such a crybaby at your memorial.  I know it's something you would have made fun of me for.  But I just don't know how to not cry anymore.

I never ever doubted you loved me.  But talking to Mario last night confirmed to me that your love for me was great.  It was so comforting hearing him say how much you talked about me and how much you wanted to be with me in North Dakota.

I know you hate the backstreet boys, but the opening lines of one of their songs just keeps playing through my head.  The rest of the song doesn't apply but it does.  "It's not that I can't live without you.  It's just that I don't even want to try.  Every night I dream about you. Ever since the day we said goodbye."  Later on it says..."Because your love is so amazing. Baby you're the best thing in my life."

The truth is, I don't even know how to begin to live without you.  You were only mine for 113 days, but those were the best days of my life.  I got you for less than 1% of your days. I wanted you for over 50%.

Today I leave Michigan.  I don't know if I'll ever be back.  It's so hard being here without you.  But it's also comforting because it's where you were.  I see you everywhere.  I feel you here with me.  I looked around for you at Walmart last night before I remembered you weren't with me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy without you. You always said you needed me, but I didn't need you, I only wanted you.  Turns out you were wrong.  I need you so much.

I know you didn't leave me on purpose, and you wanted to be with me.  And I know in my heart that you belonged to me.  Not because I wanted to own you, but because you wanted to belong to me.  I think that's my problem now.  The heart that belongs to me is no longer beating.  And the heart in my chest can't figure out how to beat without its owner here on earth.

I am so thankful I got the opportunity to meet you.  Our time together was way too short, but it was incredible.  In the darkest hours I've wondered why I ever even got to meet you, just for you to be taken back away from me.  But I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for the world.  I know the intense pain will last much longer than the 113 days of joy I had, but it's so worth it.

Thank you for loving me no matter what.


Thursday, November 12, 2015

Rest Stop

I'm sitting at a rest stop in Minnesota.  Don't ask me how long I've been here, or when I might leave.  I honestly have no idea on either count. I just needed a break for a few minutes.

Chris's funeral is tomorrow.  I've driven 450 miles and have another 650 to go.  I don't think I'll stop and sleep.  I don't think I could sleep if I tried.

I've been talking to one of his friends on Facebook.  I feel such an overwhelming desire to reach out to people who loved him.  I knew him for such a short amount of time that it sometimes feels like a dream.  I need validation that it was real.  That he was real.  And he really was just as amazing as I know he was.

He felt like people didn't like him, but I don't see that at all.  I know people always have nicer things to say after someone dies.  But some of those people are genuinely grieving.  I'm sure his family is devastated, although I haven't talked to any of them.  His mom is the only one I've ever met, and I don't have her phone number.  I'm not sure she would want to talk to me anyway though.  But I know this has got to be so hard for her.

3 AM and I Miss Him SO Much

It's 3 am and I'm sitting in front of the computer trying to make sense of  this week.  I've never been good at sleeping at night when I'm all alone, but tonight I'm not even going to pretend to try.  I miss Christopher so much.  I'm wearing one of his t shirts right now, with one of his dress shirts open over the top of it.  Keeping it classy at 3 am. ;)   The t shirt has been washed and no longer smells of him, but the dress shirt does.  And I need that tonight.

I've spent the entire day going back and forth between complete numbness and crying so hysterically I'm sure I will hyperventilate.  I can't make up my mind which is worse.  I just know that this is really hard.  Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I've been through my fair share of hard stuff.

Christopher was only 32.  He was a Taurus, born on Friday, the 13th of May, 1983.  He was a caring man.  He was funny.  He was cute.  He was one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, but only when he wanted to be.  He loved lasagna and meatloaf, and hated mushrooms and pickles.  He liked comedies and action movies.  He considered sad movies to be one of the worst things ever.

I only had 113 days to get to know this man.  And I certainly tried.  He laughed at how random I was when we were on the phone or texting.  And I would switch from one topic to the next.  But I wanted to know everything about him.  I knew within the first week of talking to him that he was special and was going to be very important to me.  He laughed at my confidence sometimes.  I would just tell him "I KNOW we're supposed to be together!  I love you!  Don't you love me?"  And his response was "Of course I do.  I told you first, remember?"

A lot of people could probably tell you those things, though.  The things that maybe they couldn't tell you are the more important ones, though. At least to me. Like the way he said "I love you" and actually looked at my face.  He wasn't a fan of eye contact and hated it when he caught me looking at him.  But when he said I love you, he would look directly at me.  Or the way he would rub my back when I put my head on his chest to talk to him.  He wasn't a fan of snuggling, and would frequently tell me I was asking a lot of him when I curled up on him, but he let me do it anyway.  And he snuggled back.  He also had this way of looking at me when he didn't think I was paying attention.  And the cutest smile on his face.  Like he was doing something sneaky by looking at me.  I know he wasn't a perfect guy, but he certainly was one of my favorites.

Right now I'm dealing with the aftermath of losing him.  And it's hard.  I can laugh at some of my memories of him already, but I know a lot of the others will forever be painful.  Watching him walk away from me for the last time is something I'm not sure I will ever get over.  The guilt that goes with that memory for me is intense.  But the smile on his face the first time he saw me is a pleasant thing to think about.  And the way he looked when he told me I was much more beautiful in person than in my pictures.

I only had 113 days with my soulmate.  It was much too brief.  But it taught me so much.  It taught me things I'll always remember, even if I live to be 113 years old. 

A Letter To Him

I wrote this letter to my best friend in the entire world about 12 hours after I found out about his death.  It took me that long to process it well enough to put it in writing, but here it is.  It's raw and it's painful.  It's the exact words I handwrote on a piece of paper as I sat and cried.

Dearest Christopher,

     I love you so very much.  Knowing I will never hug you, or see you again is so hard.  I don't know how to live without you.  113 days wasn't nearly enough time to spend with my soulmate.  113 days.  That's all I had.  I hope you knew how much I loved you during that time.  And how much I will continue to love you for the rest of my life.  I know we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, I just thought it would be far longer.  This is so unfair.  I love you so much and this is so hard for me.  I don't even know who I am without you.  I am so sorry I let you down.  I should have tried harder.  I should have made sure you were actually getting the help you needed.  I knew you were in pain.  I don't know why I thought I could be enough.  I just loved you so much.  But I know love isn't always enough.  I tried so hard, though.  Baby, I love you.

I don't know if  you can see me now, but if you can, then you can see how much I loved you, and still do.  And how sorry I am that I didn't get you the help you needed.  I don't think you took your own life, but if you did, I don't blame you.  I know you were in pain.  I wish I could have helped more.  The guilt is eating me alive.  But I'll be strong.  And I'll continue living because that's what you would have wanted.  You'll always have a piece of me.  I have to learn to live without it.  But I'll always have a piece of you, too.  And it's my favorite part of me.  I hope if you can see me, I'll make you proud.

I love you with everything I am.