Tuesday, January 5, 2016

One Third of the Days

Dear Christopher,

Every time I think I'm going to be ok, something reminds me I never truly will be again.  I miss you so much.  I'm in tears right now.  And I have been for much of the evening.  It's been 57 days since you took your last breath.  57 days since anyone saw that amazing smile or heard that wonderful life.  We only knew each other twice that long.  A third of the days that I've thought about you every single day, it's been with a pain so strong I am not sure how to make it through. I love you baby.  I know I always will.

I see so much of you in Elliott.  I know that's crazy. He's not biologically yours.  But you were cut from the same mold.  You would have been such a great step dad to him babe.  You should have been his step dad. You're what he deserves.  I just hope that if I ever move on and give him a step dad it's someone who will be as good with him as you were.  And who will love him like you did. But I think that will be hard to find babe.  How can anyone else love either of us like you did?

We're not looking to replace you.  But at the same time, I know you wouldn't want me to just stay sad and missing you all the time either.  So eventually we'll move on.  I'll keep you in my heart.  Nothing and no one can ever replace the love I feel for you baby. No matter what.

I love you more than words can express.


Monday, December 28, 2015

Still Missing You

Dearest Christopher,

I miss you.  I decided not to write to you for a couple of days to see if it would make me miss you less.  It didn't.  You're still gone.  Even if I'm only talking to you in my mind, instead of online or on paper, it doesn't change anything.

You keep coming to me in my sleep and telling me to let you go.  Part of me feels guilty for even trying.  But part of me knows it is what is best for me.  No matter how much I want you to, you can't come back to me.  And I have to accept that.  I know you would want me to be happy.  You used to tell me you wanted me to be happy, and you'd let me go if you thought it would make me happy.  I always told you the same thing.  Turns out I didn't mean heaven.  Although I'm glad you're finally out of the intense pain you were in here.

Missing you is so hard.  Your other girl is having a hard time too I guess.  I've completely forgiven you for lying about how you felt about her.  Although it still hurts seeing her say stuff about you.

I love you Christopher.  I always will.  Thanks for choosing me to actually spend time with.  Thanks for choosing me as the person you wanted to fall asleep next to.  Thanks for choosing me as the person you would have committed to eventually. I love you still.

I miss you.


Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas

Dear Christopher,

Merry Christmas in heaven baby.  I love you. I really wish you were here with me. I miss you so much.

My internet has been down a bunch today.  I don't know why. But it sucked.  I wanted to write to you on here earlier.

Watching Elliott open his presents today was bittersweet.  You should have been here with us babe.  You should have watched Elliott open his presents.  You should have played video games with him while I cooked dinner.  Babe, I hate it that you can't be with us anymore.  I'm sure Christmas in heaven was great.  I just wish you had spent it in North Dakota instead.

Your mom posted pics of you on Facebook.  Even though I had seen them all before, it still made me miss you so much.  You were so handsome. I wish I could still wake up next to you in the morning, and fall asleep touching you at night.  I cried myself to sleep this morning.  Christmas was hard without you.

I love you and I miss you so much.


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Christmas Eve

Dear Christopher,

Merry Christmas Eve.  I wish I could tell you that in person.  This was supposed to be our first Christmas together.  I thought for sure we'd spend it together, whether it was here or in Missouri.  But I expected to wake up next to you this morning. Waking up alone sucks.  I miss you.

I let Elliott open the game today from us.  We both vetoed a little bit.  But he's having fun with it now.  He says he'll always think about you when he plays it.  And it will be happy memories.  He loves you so much baby.  This is hard on him.  I didn't realize how important you were to him until after you died.  But it didn't come as a surprise.  He's so much like you.  I have a feeling if you would have lived, people who didn't know he wasn't biologically yours probably would have told you "Your son is a lot like you."

So as I was trying to decide what to wear to church tonight, I was thinking about you. Like always.  I'm wearing a new dress that I think you would really like.  Although you probably would have said something about why are winter dresses short, and summer dresses long?  I kinda wonder that, too.  Haha.  The one I'm wearing tonight is a dark red, although I know that wouldn't especially matter to you.  I'm wearing it with black leggings.  The dress is almost knee length and v neck.  It will show off my "Chris" necklace nicely.  I miss you baby. I wish I had the real Chris here to show off instead. I love you.

I love and miss you so much, especially so close to Christmas.


Wednesday, December 23, 2015

We're Both Crying For You

Dear Christopher,

Elliott cried for you today.  Openly.  In front of me.  It rips my heart out when he does that.  But I'm happy he feels like he can now.  We both just miss you so much.  Today we talked about how Christmas will be this year.  And how it would have been if you were here.  He's going to open the present from us tomorrow.  He cried and said he knew you would watch him from heaven, but he wants you to be here to watch him instead.  I agree so much baby.  You should be here with us.  You should be sitting on the couch with me, smiling while he opens presents.  You should be opening your own presents from us.  But instead you're gone, and we're here alone.  We'll probably both cry.  Because being without you really really sucks.

Elliott asked me today why we couldn't save you.  And why us loving you wasn't enough.  He asked me if I could do anything over again in my life, would I choose to save you.  The answer was "Absolutely, beyond a doubt, my biggest regret is not being able to save Christopher."  I really thought I could baby.  I realize that I'm giving myself way too much power by thinking that.  But I love you so much.  And I thought maybe it would be enough to save you from yourself. I know that is not the case, but it's still hard to accept.

We both love you, and miss you so much.


Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Sleeping Pills?

Dear Christopher,

Apparently I'm supposed to try to get sleeping pills from my doctor.  I know, you told me I needed something when you were still alive. But I'm sure I really do now.  I'm tired all the time.  I don't sleep much.  I miss you.  It's hard sleeping without you.  It's even harder to go back to sleep when I wake up fully and remember all over again that you aren't coming back to me baby.  I miss you.  And I love you so much.

I'm in my bed tonight because Darla is sleeping over.  I hate sleeping here alone.  You're supposed to be sleeping next to me baby.  You promised.  It's so unfair.  I hate sleeping alone.  I have Trixie. And I love her.  But I want you, too.  I am so in love with you.  I don't know how to move forward.  My heart is still shattered.  I can barely function sometimes.  I need you baby.  Living without you really sucks.  I just want you to be here.  And you can't.  And that's heartbreaking.

We are getting so close to Christmas. I'm ready for it to be over.  I'm letting Elliott open the present from "us" on Christmas eve.  Because I know I'll cry.   I so wanted you here with us for Christmas.  My therapist told me it's ok if I need to take breaks to cry, or write during Christmas.  And I probably will.

I love you so much.


Monday, December 21, 2015

Almost Christmas

Dear Christopher,

Elliott's working on school work right now.  I know that if you were here he wouldn't be.  You guys would have convinced me that he should be off all this week and next week.  You guys would probably be playing video games right now. We'd have the lights on on the Christmas tree. And we would sit and talk about how excited we were for Christmas after Elliott goes to bed.  Instead, without you, there is no Christmas tree.  When Elliott finishes his math work and goes to bed, I'll sit and stare at my phone probably.  I might turn the tv on. But I probably won't really pay any attention.

I miss you so much. It's so hard living without you.  I know that just proves I love you, but it's hard.

Elliott wants a necklace like mine with a tag with your name on it. He wants a charm that says "A piece of my heart lives in heaven."  We both love you so much, Christopher.  I can't believe you left us. I can't believe that, even for a moment, you thought we would be better off without you.

I love you so much it hurts