Monday, December 28, 2015

Still Missing You

Dearest Christopher,

I miss you.  I decided not to write to you for a couple of days to see if it would make me miss you less.  It didn't.  You're still gone.  Even if I'm only talking to you in my mind, instead of online or on paper, it doesn't change anything.

You keep coming to me in my sleep and telling me to let you go.  Part of me feels guilty for even trying.  But part of me knows it is what is best for me.  No matter how much I want you to, you can't come back to me.  And I have to accept that.  I know you would want me to be happy.  You used to tell me you wanted me to be happy, and you'd let me go if you thought it would make me happy.  I always told you the same thing.  Turns out I didn't mean heaven.  Although I'm glad you're finally out of the intense pain you were in here.

Missing you is so hard.  Your other girl is having a hard time too I guess.  I've completely forgiven you for lying about how you felt about her.  Although it still hurts seeing her say stuff about you.

I love you Christopher.  I always will.  Thanks for choosing me to actually spend time with.  Thanks for choosing me as the person you wanted to fall asleep next to.  Thanks for choosing me as the person you would have committed to eventually. I love you still.

I miss you.


Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas

Dear Christopher,

Merry Christmas in heaven baby.  I love you. I really wish you were here with me. I miss you so much.

My internet has been down a bunch today.  I don't know why. But it sucked.  I wanted to write to you on here earlier.

Watching Elliott open his presents today was bittersweet.  You should have been here with us babe.  You should have watched Elliott open his presents.  You should have played video games with him while I cooked dinner.  Babe, I hate it that you can't be with us anymore.  I'm sure Christmas in heaven was great.  I just wish you had spent it in North Dakota instead.

Your mom posted pics of you on Facebook.  Even though I had seen them all before, it still made me miss you so much.  You were so handsome. I wish I could still wake up next to you in the morning, and fall asleep touching you at night.  I cried myself to sleep this morning.  Christmas was hard without you.

I love you and I miss you so much.


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Christmas Eve

Dear Christopher,

Merry Christmas Eve.  I wish I could tell you that in person.  This was supposed to be our first Christmas together.  I thought for sure we'd spend it together, whether it was here or in Missouri.  But I expected to wake up next to you this morning. Waking up alone sucks.  I miss you.

I let Elliott open the game today from us.  We both vetoed a little bit.  But he's having fun with it now.  He says he'll always think about you when he plays it.  And it will be happy memories.  He loves you so much baby.  This is hard on him.  I didn't realize how important you were to him until after you died.  But it didn't come as a surprise.  He's so much like you.  I have a feeling if you would have lived, people who didn't know he wasn't biologically yours probably would have told you "Your son is a lot like you."

So as I was trying to decide what to wear to church tonight, I was thinking about you. Like always.  I'm wearing a new dress that I think you would really like.  Although you probably would have said something about why are winter dresses short, and summer dresses long?  I kinda wonder that, too.  Haha.  The one I'm wearing tonight is a dark red, although I know that wouldn't especially matter to you.  I'm wearing it with black leggings.  The dress is almost knee length and v neck.  It will show off my "Chris" necklace nicely.  I miss you baby. I wish I had the real Chris here to show off instead. I love you.

I love and miss you so much, especially so close to Christmas.


Wednesday, December 23, 2015

We're Both Crying For You

Dear Christopher,

Elliott cried for you today.  Openly.  In front of me.  It rips my heart out when he does that.  But I'm happy he feels like he can now.  We both just miss you so much.  Today we talked about how Christmas will be this year.  And how it would have been if you were here.  He's going to open the present from us tomorrow.  He cried and said he knew you would watch him from heaven, but he wants you to be here to watch him instead.  I agree so much baby.  You should be here with us.  You should be sitting on the couch with me, smiling while he opens presents.  You should be opening your own presents from us.  But instead you're gone, and we're here alone.  We'll probably both cry.  Because being without you really really sucks.

Elliott asked me today why we couldn't save you.  And why us loving you wasn't enough.  He asked me if I could do anything over again in my life, would I choose to save you.  The answer was "Absolutely, beyond a doubt, my biggest regret is not being able to save Christopher."  I really thought I could baby.  I realize that I'm giving myself way too much power by thinking that.  But I love you so much.  And I thought maybe it would be enough to save you from yourself. I know that is not the case, but it's still hard to accept.

We both love you, and miss you so much.


Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Sleeping Pills?

Dear Christopher,

Apparently I'm supposed to try to get sleeping pills from my doctor.  I know, you told me I needed something when you were still alive. But I'm sure I really do now.  I'm tired all the time.  I don't sleep much.  I miss you.  It's hard sleeping without you.  It's even harder to go back to sleep when I wake up fully and remember all over again that you aren't coming back to me baby.  I miss you.  And I love you so much.

I'm in my bed tonight because Darla is sleeping over.  I hate sleeping here alone.  You're supposed to be sleeping next to me baby.  You promised.  It's so unfair.  I hate sleeping alone.  I have Trixie. And I love her.  But I want you, too.  I am so in love with you.  I don't know how to move forward.  My heart is still shattered.  I can barely function sometimes.  I need you baby.  Living without you really sucks.  I just want you to be here.  And you can't.  And that's heartbreaking.

We are getting so close to Christmas. I'm ready for it to be over.  I'm letting Elliott open the present from "us" on Christmas eve.  Because I know I'll cry.   I so wanted you here with us for Christmas.  My therapist told me it's ok if I need to take breaks to cry, or write during Christmas.  And I probably will.

I love you so much.


Monday, December 21, 2015

Almost Christmas

Dear Christopher,

Elliott's working on school work right now.  I know that if you were here he wouldn't be.  You guys would have convinced me that he should be off all this week and next week.  You guys would probably be playing video games right now. We'd have the lights on on the Christmas tree. And we would sit and talk about how excited we were for Christmas after Elliott goes to bed.  Instead, without you, there is no Christmas tree.  When Elliott finishes his math work and goes to bed, I'll sit and stare at my phone probably.  I might turn the tv on. But I probably won't really pay any attention.

I miss you so much. It's so hard living without you.  I know that just proves I love you, but it's hard.

Elliott wants a necklace like mine with a tag with your name on it. He wants a charm that says "A piece of my heart lives in heaven."  We both love you so much, Christopher.  I can't believe you left us. I can't believe that, even for a moment, you thought we would be better off without you.

I love you so much it hurts


Sunday, December 20, 2015

Wrapping Presents

Dearest Christopher,

I miss you so much.  I love you. I wish you were here. It's funny how one minute I'll think I'm ok, then the next minute I'm sobbing.  I just don't know how to live without you babe.  I still need you.  And I'm so sad I can't have you.

Today was a good day.  I laughed and smiled when I talked about you. I didn't cry at church.  But then it was time to wrap Christmas presents.  And bam, there were the tears.  I was thinking about the presents you wanted to get Elliott. I got him one of them.  So then the question was "How do I tag this one?" I originally planned on signing it "From Mom and Chris."  So do I still do that?  I think I will. I wish you were here baby.  I wish you could watch him open it.  I think it will be one of his favorites.  He asked Santa for it.  But I'm giving it to him from you.  Because I know you would have wanted to give it to him.  And I think I'm going to let him know that.  So he can still remember how much you love him.

I miss you Christopher.  So much.  And I love you with everything in me.


Saturday, December 19, 2015

Christmas Shopping

Dear Christopher,

Christmas shopping without you was so hard.  You kept telling me you wanted to shop with me this year and you'd help me.  So I waited for you to come back to me.  And you never did.  And then with you gone, I wanted to completely skip Christmas.  But I knew I couldn't.  So I finally got around to finishing my shopping this week.  And it was so hard.  I decided not to shop for anyone except Elliott and Darla.  I looked at my list I made in October.  It had your mom and dad both on it, with a note to ask you what they'd like. Baby, it's so hard marking them off.  But I definitely don't think your parents would like it if I gave them presents now.  Why did you have to leave us all, though??? Why didn't we shop together for presents for them baby?? And send them in the mail with a card with a picture of us with Elliott.  I miss you so much.  This month has been awful, just like last month.  It was supposed to be our first Christmas together!! Now I have to do it without you. And that's not fair.

I love you, Chris.  And I miss you.


Friday, December 18, 2015

I Miss Your Touch

Dear Christopher,

I miss you so much.  I love you so much.  I don't know who I am without you.  But I'm working on it.  That's all I can do for now I guess.

Every time I casually touch a guy, I miss touching you.  It could be a handshake, and I'm suddenly missing the way you held my hand.  Or maybe it's a quick brush of our hands when we're exchanging money, and I'm thinking about the way it felt when you'd run your hands down my arm so lightly.  Or it's a quick hug, and I'm suddenly nearly in tears thinking about the way it felt to be wrapped tightly in your arms.  I miss you so much.  I knew the first night I fell asleep with my arm around you that I never wanted to fall asleep next to anyone else again.  But now I can't sleep that way with you.  And it's so hard.  I miss you so much. I love you.

I hung out with a friend tonight.  He's a nice guy. He listens to me cry about you. He's supportive. But I miss you, when I'm with him.  Because I miss you all the time, but especially when I'm with another guy.  Christopher, you were supposed to be mine forever.

There's the ring that I wear now all the time.  I thought they would be great for when we pretended to be married.  And a good way to let you know just how serious I was about my love for you. Now I have both of them.  I really wish you were wearing the other one.  I love you so much.

I miss you baby!


Thursday, December 17, 2015

5 Months Ago I Met You

Dear Christopher,

Happy anniversary baby. 5 months ago today I sent you that first message.  I had no idea how much you would change my life.  How you would make me so happy, and then so sad, in such a short amount of time.  I wouldn't change a single minute that I had with you, I just wish I had had a lot more.  I love you so much.  And missing you is so hard.

I think I'm doing a little better these days though. I still miss you so much it hurts, but I can finally see that I'm going to be ok, even though I have to live without you.  I'm still mad that I do have to live without you.  But I think I can do it now.  I'll always love you so much.  Nothing will ever change that.  You taught me so many important things.  And I still believe each of us was born specifically for the other one.  I think we belonged together.  I'm glad you were mine, even if it wasn't nearly long enough.

I love you baby. I'm so glad I sent you that message 5 months ago and you responded.  I wish you were here right now, so I could have told you that in person this morning with a hug and a smile. You're always going to be a big part of who I am though.  For the rest of my life.  Thanks for loving me baby.

I love you and miss you.


Wednesday, December 16, 2015

What Should Have Been

Dear Christopher,

Hi baby.  I love you. I didn't write earlier because there was a lot of stuff going on.  If you were still here I would have made time to text you a few times, quickly, just to let you know I was thinking about you.  But these letters aren't so quick like texts were. Sometimes it takes me quite a while to finish a letter.

I had therapy and my support group both today.  I cried more in group than I did in therapy.  I made a couple of other people cry in group, too.  It's just really hard baby.  When I made other people cry today, we were talking about how our plans are different than God's.  And I was crying about how I wanted my plans, and they were all with you.  And how I hadn't realized I would grieve so hard for the babies I wanted with you.  It's true though. I spend so much time thinking about what our life could have been like together.  Would we have had a baby together?  Would it have been a baby girl? Or a boy? Red hair and blue eyes like daddy? Or brown hair and greens like mommy and brother? Or maybe something entirely different. But I'll never know, because I never get to feel your baby growing inside of me.  I never get to see the pride and awe on your face when you hold your baby for the first time.  And it's just not fair, Christopher.  I love you.  I wanted so many things with you.  I always thought you wanted them with me, too.  I hope you did.

I'm trying really hard to focus on happy memories with you most of the time.  It's really not all that hard most of the time.  You made me so happy.  And I have so many great memories with you.  But I feel so sad so often because you weren't mine nearly long enough.  And that's hard.  I thought I had many years with you.  It's hard knowing my time with you is already over.

I love you and miss you so much it hurts


Tuesday, December 15, 2015

So Many Questions

Dear Christopher,

I love you. I said goodbye to a couple of friends today because it makes them uncomfortable that I talk about you all the time.  I'm prepared to say goodbye to more, if I must. I'm not prepared to quit talking about you. You're too important.  And I love you too much.

Today's a rough day.  I'm struggling with all the different plans you made.  Was I really plan A?  And the others were back up plans? Or was I only hearing what you thought I wanted to hear? I love you.  I just wanted you to be honest. That's all. And I hate it so much that I can't ask you now.  I have so many questions for you.  I wish you could come home so I could ask.  You belong here with me, Christopher.  I'm not sure how to do this without you.

It's almost Christmas.  It was supposed to be your best Christmas yet, remember? And maybe it will be.  Christmas in heaven is probably pretty magical.  But it's going to be my worst Christmas yet.  Because I'm here and you're not.  And there are so many things I still need from you.  And so many things I still want to do for you. And with you.  Why did you leave me, Christopher? Why? You were supposed to be with me for a long time. You promised. You said you loved me and you wouldn't leave me.  But you did.

I miss you so much it hurts


Monday, December 14, 2015

You Made Me a Better Person

Dearest Christopher,

I no longer immediately reach for my phone to send you a "Good morning baby. I miss you" text when I wake up. I guess part of me is finally accepting that you can't text from heaven.  But I miss you more than ever. I don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to be ok.  I think I'm getting better at faking it though.

Yesterday was Sunday and I didn't have a breakdown in the church parking lot when I thought about how I always always texted you there after church each week. I cried a little bit while I was driving, but not like usual. I think I'm getting better at holding it all together even when I'm falling apart on the inside.

One of my favorite quotes at the moment says "If people knew how much I truly missed you they'd wonder how I'm even breathing."  And it's true.  I miss you that much.  I know our relationship was far from perfect but it was right. It was what I needed.  You helped me grow and become a better person.  I loved you so much, so unconditionally.  I still do.  I still don't know how to imagine a future without you.  It's so dark and lonely.  But I also know you would want me to find the light and the colors and let them back in.  You would want that for me.  And I'm trying baby. I really am.

I love you so much and miss you too.


Sunday, December 13, 2015

I Still Need You

Dear Christopher,

I miss you baby. So much.  And I love you even more.  I have all this love for you that has nowhere to go.

I'm making bad choices.  I know they're bad choices even while I'm making them.  But I'm making them anyway, because I'm so confused about everything. Why did you do this, Christopher? Why did you leave me to make all these decisions I don't want to make?  We were supposed to be a team.  You weren't supposed to leave me.  I know. You didn't leave me on purpose.  None of this was about me.  But the result is still the same.  I'm still here to make choices I don't want to make because you're not here to help me. And I miss you and need you.  You always said I didn't need you like you needed me.  But you were wrong.  I need you.

I still think about you all the time. You're still my first thought in the morning and my last one at night.  And most of the ones in between.  I have no idea how to get over you.  I don't even know if I want to.  I just love you so much. No one else could ever be as right for me as you are.  And I don't want to settle for second best after having you.

I miss you so much it hurts


Saturday, December 12, 2015

Why Did You Have To Go?

Dearest Christopher,

I keep thinking I want to hang out with someone else.  Because I miss you so much.  But then I hang out with someone else, and I'm sad.  Because it just makes me miss you. Because you're who I want to be hanging out with. I wish you were here.  Last night Elliott and I met a friend at Planet Pizza.  When I watched Elliott and him play a game together I almost cried.  I kept thinking about how much fun you would have had playing with him there.  Like you did at Chuck E Cheese's in October.  We lost so much when we lost you.  We both love and miss you so much.

I never was so sure of anything in my life as I was that you belonged with me.  I was absolutely positive that God placed you in my life because we were supposed to get married and have a family together.  You were so perfect for me.  And you and Elliott got along so well. And you guys missed each other when you were apart.  I had no doubt you were the step father he was supposed to have.  And now you aren't here.  And we're both so heartbroken.  Baby why did you leave us?  Why weren't we enough?  I love you Christopher.  I'm still positive I've never loved anyone like I love you.   You told me I told you that, when I was half asleep on benadryl, when I couldn't have lied even if I had wanted to.  It's always been true, Chris.  It's always been you. No one else ever has been able to hold a candle to you.  I love you like I've never loved anyone else.  And like no one else has ever loved you.

I miss you so much


Friday, December 11, 2015

I'm So Sorry

Dearest Christopher,

I love you. I miss you.  I wish you could come home. I know you can't.  But I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. How do I do this without you?   Why did you love me so much, and yet still leave me?  I thought I knew what heart break felt like.  But I had no idea. I had no idea about pain that makes you wish you were dead.  Not just because I miss you, but because the pain is so bad.  Baby I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry. I should have done more for you.  I am so sorry.  I ruined our entire lives by not trying harder.  I'm so sorry.  If I had tried harder, and been a better girlfriend, you would be here with me right now.  I'm so sorry.  I loved you so much. But it wasn't enough. I'm sorry.

I love you more than I ever thought possible.  And I miss you even more than that.


Thursday, December 10, 2015

I Miss You

Dearest Christopher,

Today I woke up and I almost felt numb again. Like I did so much the first week.  I welcomed it.  It's easier to be numb than in so much physical pain.  But the pain is back.  I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe at the moment.

Mario told me again how he thought we were right together and should have got married. And how you wanted to marry me. It makes me happy to know that other people saw how happy we made each other.  But I just ache so bad for what I feel should have been my future.  I don't want the one you left me with.  I don't want to fall in love with someone else.  I want you back. I've never in my life been so sure that I was in love with someone, like I was with you.

I bought rings for our anniversary.  It should have been a fun surprise, since we always talked about pretending we were already married.   The rings were cheap, but they were supposed to be our starter rings, until I was divorced and we needed real ones.  I was so nervous at first about wearing the ring without you.  But now that I have it out of its package I wear it all the time, except when I'm doing dishes or showering.  I even wear it while I sleep.

I love you baby. I miss you so much that the stomach ache and pain in my chest are there more often than not.  I don't know how to live without you.  I never wanted to.  I wish there was a way you could help me.  But of course if you could, you would still be here, and we'd be lying in bed together right now making Christmas plans instead of me lying here trying to figure out how to survive.

I miss you so much.


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

One Month

Dearest Christopher,

I love you so much. I miss everything about you.  One month ago my entire world shattered, when you left it. This has been the longest month of my life, but also the shortest. It almost seems as if time has lost all meaning without you.  I miss you.

Three months ago today you and I were together.  When I finally convinced you to get out of bed we went to Chicago.  We had a wonderful day there together.  We went to a museum, we went to Navy Pier and we made plans for things we would do next time we went to Chicago, planning on taking Elliott the next time.  We had a long heart to heart talk about our pasts.  I told you I didn't care about your past, I just wanted your future.  You told me you didn't deserve me, but were glad I was yours.  We held hands.  Strangers told us we were perfect together.  The man who took our picture even told you you should marry me.  It was a perfect day, and I remember thanking God for giving you to me while we were on the Ferris wheel.

In the car you told me if you could live anywhere it would be North Dakota because that's where your future wife lived.  You said you would live wherever I did, because I was what mattered.  You switched from saying "If we get married..." to "when we're married..."  I noticed.  It made me so happy.  I always knew we were supposed to get married.  The next morning I said "Hey babe?  Thanks for the perfect day."  You said "It was the best day of my life."  It really was a fantastic day baby.  I'm glad we had it together.  I always thought I'd give you many more fantastic days, but I'm so glad we had that one, and that I know it meant a lot to you, too.

I don't know how everything spun out of control over the next two months.  It seems so crazy that you could go from the best day of your life to the worst of mine so quickly.  But you did.  And I miss you so much.

A month into our relationship I told the guy in Florida that I loved you, and I thought you loved me too. A few days later you told me you did.  And it was one of the happiest days of my life. I knew already that we were supposed to be together for the rest of our lives.  We were together for the rest of yours.  Now how do I live the rest of mine without you?

I love you so much, Christopher.


Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Getting From Here to There

Dearest Christopher,

I love you. I miss you. I need you here with me.  But since I can't have you, I'll learn how to survive without you.  But it's so hard.  The pain is so intense.  I know you were in a lot of pain while you were alive.   Did you realize you would transfer that pain to your mom and me? And anyone else who loved you?

Yesterday I wrote a post about how much I miss you on Facebook.  I used one of my favorite quotes as the picture.  It says "People keep telling me that life goes on, but, to me, that's the saddest part."  And it really is.  I miss you.  I'm so sad that my life is still going on without you here. I waited 32 years to find the person I can't live without.  And four short months later I was forced to live without him anyway.  Only now I know what I'm missing.

I won't say you were the other half of who I am.  We were both alive for 32 years apart.  But I'll say that together we were better than we were alone.  Maybe I was the cheese to your burger.  We were ok apart, but wonderful together.  And I miss you.  Now that I know what it's like to be part of something wonderful and whole, where we just melted into each other and belonged together.  I'm still whole I guess.  But it's not the same now that I know what could have been.

When I posted on Facebook about how hard it is without you a friend commented and asked if you were my boyfriend.  A simple "Yes" didn't seem sufficient.  So I told her a little bit about our wonderful love story.  About how much I love you and how much you love me.  My ending line was "They say in time I'll be ok again.  And I believe that's true. It's just getting from here to there that's the problem."

And that is the problem babe.  I want to be ok again.  I know that's what you want, too.  But baby it's so hard.  It's hard being ok when I'm still so upset about everything I lost.  And I get that I didn't lose nearly as much as you did, so I'm being selfish.  But baby, I'm the one that has to live this life alone.  Without the person who brings me sunshine and quiets my cries.

I love you so much that it hurts.


Monday, December 7, 2015

Four Weeks

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning.  I love you. I wonder if you ever got the messages I sent to you 4 weeks ago today, or if you were already too far gone.  I miss you so much.

Last night I came to a conclusion.  I'm not reaching out to anyone in your family in any way anymore.  If they want to talk to me, I'll talk to them, but I won't be the one to try anymore.  They're not my family and now they never will be. I tried baby.  Because they were your family and I love you so much.  But it's hard.  Our relationship never mattered to them.  They don't care how very much in love we were.

I love you, and I miss you.  I miss everything about you.  This pain is so unbearable.  Especially at night when I'm lying here alone, when I should be next to you.  I've cried so many tears for you, both when you were alive and now that you're gone.  I don't see that stopping anytime soon.

Four weeks ago I was worried about you.  But I was excited that I was getting ready to see you again.  I was packing.  I was researching things to help you.  I was checking into counseling services.  I assumed I would be seeing you in just a couple of days.  And it would be hard, because you were in so much pain.  But I thought you wanted to see me again.  I thought you were really planning on coming home with me and us going together to get the help you needed.  I thought I was so close to getting you home with me, where I could help you.  Baby I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.  I tried my hardest, but I couldn't save you.  And I will regret that for the rest of my life.  No one wanted to save you more than I did.  I always saw how great and beautiful you were on the inside and the outside.

I'm grieving so hard now baby. I'm missing you so much it physically hurts.  I'm grieving for our family that we will never be able to have.  I'm hurting because of the way your family is acting. I'm hurting because people who didn't show you how much they loved you while you were alive, suddenly are.  And that bothers me.  Why couldn't they do that while you were alive?  Why did you think that your mom, Jon, and Elliott were the only ones that loved you besides me?  Would it have made a difference if they had shown you love? Could they have even done it? Or is it just guilt now?  Baby, I hope you never ever even for one minute doubted I loved you.  I know sometimes I hurt you. And I'm really sorry for that.  But even when I'd say something hurtful I always tried to make sure you knew I still loved you.  I was just hurting.

My grief is so complicated.  I wish I could talk about it with someone who knew and loved you.  I wish I could explain to someone all that I lost when I lost you.  But no one would get it.  Because no one liked me while you were still alive.  Now I'm just a reminder of what they lost.  I wonder if your mom grieves for the children you'll never have, the way I do? You were so good with Elliott.  You would have been a great daddy.  I grieve for the fact that Elliott never gets you now.  And we never get another one of our own together.

I hurt for any guy I ever enter a relationship with in the future.  I had enough complications from my past to make me a not so great choice.  I know you always loved me anyway, despite all that.  But now there's another layer for any guy in the future to deal with.  How do they compete with my dead soul mate?  I know you weren't perfect, but you were perfect for me.

I love you so much babe.


Sunday, December 6, 2015

You Were Brave and Strong

Dearest Christopher,

I love you so much.  Sundays are so hard. Today marks four weeks since I last heard your voice.  And I miss it SO much.  I miss everything about you, though.  Even the things I didn't always like.  I would give anything to hear you say anything to me right now, even if it was "Babe? Can you get off me? I'm tired of cuddling."  Haha.  I hope you always knew how much I appreciated you cuddling with me even though you didn't especially like it.  I love you.

Today I read this thing about how we choose life partners.  It said we look for partners that have the qualities we wish we had, and partners that have something we were lacking from our childhood.  The qualities you had that I want are bravery, strength, and a fighting spirit.  Those were some of my favorite things about you.  I remember you asked me once why I was in love with you when we were so different.  I love you. And I loved the qualities I just listed.  Plus you were funny, cute, loving, and sweet.

If I had to guess, the qualities you were looking for and found in me were optimism, happiness, and the ability to love so completely with all of me, no matter what.

I'm not sure I'm still that same girl now, though.  And I'm not sure I'll ever be her again.  But I'm trying to become a better version of myself, because of you.  I hope I make you proud, baby.

I love you so much it hurts.


Saturday, December 5, 2015

3 Months Ago...

Dearest Christopher,

Today I miss you so much I woke up crying.  And kept crying for a while.  Happy 3 month anniversary baby, from the day we first met face to face.

It's later in the day than when I usually write to you.  I wanted to wait until it was late enough that I was already at your house 3 months ago today.  And at this time, we had just finished dinner with Jeff and were back at your house.  You were so cute and so nervous when you asked if I was sure that I wanted to stay with you.  I was afraid you meant you didn't want me to.  But you pulled me close to you and said you wanted me with you always.  You just weren't sure I wanted to be with you, especially after the drama with Jon.

I knew that night I was in love with you.  I knew I never wanted to fall asleep in anyone else's arms again.  You and I were the perfect fit together. Curling up on your chest was just so right.

If I had known then that you would only be mine for two more months, I don't think I would have changed anything, except maybe paid better attention to all the little things about you.  I remember tracing my hands along your scars that night.  And I told you "I'm sorry you were in a place that this was the best way to deal with it.  But I'm glad you're ok now, and here with me."  You said "Me too baby.  I love you."  Two months later you were back in that same place, and I couldn't save you.  I'm so sorry.  I have never wanted anything so much in my life as I want one more night with you.  One more night where I'm curled up against you with my head on your chest and you slowly tracing patterns on my back while we talk about anything and everything.

Every day the pain gets worse, not better.  Every day is another day I don't get to talk to the love of my life.  We should be decorating our house for Christmas this week baby.  But instead I'm here alone.  And I won't decorate.  Because I don't want Christmas without you, Christopher.  I don't want anything without you Chris.  But I have to, because you left me.  And I don't know how to deal with that.

I love you so much and I miss you every single second of the day.


Friday, December 4, 2015

Can't Sleep

Dearest Christopher,

It's almost 4 am and I can't sleep.  I miss you so much and I can't stop crying.  I wonder if the pain will ever go away.  I don't think it ever will.  As long as I'm alive, I'll love and miss you.  I don't know how to live without you.  But I'm trying, baby.  Believe me, I'm trying.

I've been on pinterest looking at quotes.  I know you thought I spent too much time looking at quotes but sometimes it makes me feel better to realize that other people are going through what I'm going through.  I know there are a lot of sad people out there.  And I'm sad for them.  But I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

Ironically I read a quote at 3:41 (4:41 in Michigan) that said "It's 4:41 am, I wish I was pressed against your chest listening to your heartbeat instead of the rain."  And that's the kind of thing I would have sent you while you were alive.  Because I missed you so much anytime we were apart.  But now that you're gone, it's even more meaningful.  I would give up almost anything to be in your arms right now.

I miss you so much that it physically hurts me baby.  I don't know to do this.  I know I say that a lot. But it's true.  I miss you.  And I need you. I love you so much.  I don't ever want to stop loving you, but I wish it would become less painful.

Every single day I think of something else I should have tried to save you.  And every day I realize that I didn't try hard enough to save you.  I hope you realized that I was doing the best I knew how to do though.  I love you.  And if love alone would have been enough, you'd still be here.  My love for you is strong, deep, and complete.  You used to say it was scary.  It wasn't when you were alive.  But sometimes it is now.  Because you aren't here.  And it feels like there's nowhere for it to go.

I love you so much it hurts.


Thursday, December 3, 2015

First Therapy Appointment

Dearest Christopher,

I love you so much.  I miss you more than I imagined possible.  I thought I thought about you all the time when you were still alive.  And I did think about you a lot.  But not like now.  You're always on my mind baby.  I love you. Living without you isn't getting easier.  I don't know how it ever will.

I had therapy yesterday.  She told me all my symptoms and feelings were normal.  She said I'm going through one of the roughest things a person can go through.  And that being so far from the other people that love you complicates my grieving process.  Because I need to talk to them.  But I can't. I feel like I'm bugging your mom and sister when I talk to them.

I'm looking at a picture of my sister, Elliott, and me at Chuck e cheese.  It makes me angry that you didn't take one with Elliott that day.  He doesn't have a single picture of the two of you together.  And that's not fair.  He loves you and he misses you.  And the pictures he stares at are one of just you, and one of you and me together.  Because that's all he has.

I love you so much.  But I'm so upset that you hurt Elliott. I don't like it that you hurt anyone, but especially Elliott.  You did this while his dad was deployed and he was already going through rough stuff.  It really sucks.  He didn't deserve any of this.

Elliott has already forgiven you though.  He did almost immediately.  He said you loved us, and we love you.  And you would watch over us from heaven.  He said you would never choose to leave us, because you belonged with us.  He was right. You did love us, and we both love you.  And we belong together.  We were supposed to be a family.

I love you more than I ever thought possible, and I miss you even more.


Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Therapy Today

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning handsome.  I miss you.  I have my first real therapy appointment today.  I'm pretty nervous.  I hope it will help.  I need to talk to someone.  I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry.  I can't believe you did this to us!  I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general.  Because this really really sucks.  I want you to come home!!

Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again.  I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you.  I hate that babe.  I could not stop crying.  How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe.  I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher.  This is so unfair.  You were way too young to die and leave me here alone.  And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already.  How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??

I know our relationship was far from perfect.  But I never wanted a perfect relationship.  I wanted a real one, and I had that with you.  Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together.  When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you.  And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either.  But now I'm forced to live mine without you.  And I just don't know how to do it.

I love you so much it hurts


Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Finally A Smile

Dearest Christopher,

This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always.  But this morning there was a smile on my face.  I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone.  But I was smiling at some of my memories of you.  The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it!  I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha.  It's always been one of my favorite memories.  We were both so happy.  It was the first night I was in Michigan.

Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary.  I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me.  But we were supposed to celebrate it.  Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me.  That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do.  What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change.  I will still love you forever.

Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret.  Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it.  I love you more than I ever thought possible.  And living without you sucks.  When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep.  But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time.  And I always knew you would come back to me.  You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me.  And I always believed it was true.  I was the best thing that ever happened to you.  And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too.  But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me.  I still don't know how to survive.

I love you and I miss you so much


Monday, November 30, 2015

Three Weeks Without You

Dearest Christopher,

Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath.  I still don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to be ok yet.  Will I ever be ok again?  Some days I think I might be.  Other days I'm sure I won't be.  I just miss you so much.  I hurt all the time.  I fake smiles and I laugh.  But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes.  Like in the one picture that everyone else likes.  But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy.  You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you.  I'm still in love with you.  But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy.  I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you.  And that you loved me back.  But I'm so sad because it's over.  I never wanted it to end.

I start grief counseling in two days.  I hope it goes well.  I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen.  I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense.  But they don't.  And they never will.  Because you aren't here.  And you made sense.  You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing.  You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life.  I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again.  I didn't lie.  I was there for the rest of your life.  But why can't you be here for mine??  Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32??  Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else.  But I don't want anyone else.  I want YOU.  And you left me!!

I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs.  For months now that's been you.  I can't go to sleep without thinking about you.  And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare.  And I can't wake up from it.  You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time.  It made me happy because  I thought about you all the time, too.  I still do.  But now it makes me sad.  Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here.  I don't really blame you.  I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope.  I love you so much.  I would have done anything for you.  Anything at all.  I hope you always knew that.

I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week.  How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you?  How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy?  I just want you back.  The pain I feel is unbearable.  It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you.  And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long.  This is absolutely unbearable.  I don't know how to live with this pain.  All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby.  I miss you so much.  You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about.  What do I do now?  Who do I turn to?  The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.

I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone.  I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me.  But I think it made things harder.  I KNOW you still loved me.  But I was so scared and hurt that last week.  I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though.  I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone.  It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died.  I hope you still know that it's true.

I love you so much baby


Sunday, November 29, 2015

Sundays Are Awful

Dearest Christopher,

Sundays are hard.  I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send.  But it's still hard.  3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me.  I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again.  I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could.  Just listening to you.  I miss you so much baby.  I need you here with me.

I love you Chris. I love you so very much.  I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted.  I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it.  Why are you making me???  I was sure we would be together forever.  I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine.  And that sucks.  It's unfair.  I love you.  And I want you here with me.  I'm sorry if that makes me selfish.  But I miss you. And I need you.  I don't know who I even am without you.

Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done.  When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok.  I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me.  If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me.  But you never chose her, did you?  You chose me.  I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to.  I was the one you promised to spend your life with.  And I want to say thank you for that.  But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you.  It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile.  Waking up next to you was amazing.  Waking up alone is awful.

I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you.  They say they're worried that I'm not myself.  I don't even know who I am.  How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me.  I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok.  I just miss you so much.  I'd do almost anything to feel better again.

I love you so much it hurts


Saturday, November 28, 2015

it's So Hard Without You

Dearest Christopher,

I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone.  Your sister once said it was hard to love you.  It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now.  It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore.  You were mine.  You belonged with me.  And you took so much of me when you left.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house.  And I'm still terrified about leaving my house.  I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it.  I don't even want to do those things really.  I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie.  But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house.  And that's scary.

I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday.  I'm really nervous, but I know I need it.  I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it.  And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time.  I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that.  I love you so much and I always did.

It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out.  Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year.  I hate it that it won't be there.  I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year.  But I can't, because of Elliott.  Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.

I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.


Friday, November 27, 2015

Black Friday

Dearest Christopher,

I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was.  Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping.  I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg.  You said it might even be fun.

I'm at home.  And I can't even seem to do it online.  Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now.  And I have to do this.  Without you.  You treated me too well.  You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do.  Until the 9th, when you left me.  Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do.  Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.

I put on this happy face every single day.  I don't want people to worry about me.  But inside I feel so dead.  I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard.  I miss you. I miss being happy.  People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now.  They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.

I just miss you.  And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day.  But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.

Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.


Thursday, November 26, 2015

Thanksgiving Without You

Dearest Christopher,

Happy Thanksgiving, baby.  I had so many plans for today.  It was supposed to be our first big holiday together.  We were going to cook a turkey with all the sides and spend the afternoon with Elliott, being thankful that we were now a family together.  Instead I'm lying in bed missing the best boyfriend I ever had.

I'm not sure what I'm cooking today, but it's certainly not a turkey.  I don't know how to get through this day without you.  I love you and I miss you.  It's so hard being here without you.  The sadness is too much so much of the time.

I remember you telling me you expected me to move on quickly if anything ever happened to you. The truth is, baby, I don't know if I'll ever be ready.  I've started faking the smiles, and pretending like I'm ok now, so people don't worry.  But inside I'm dead.  I just miss you so much.  And I love you so much.  I can't imagine how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without you.  Fake it til you make it I guess.  I wonder if people can see how I'm still not ok.  I wonder if it matters.

I'm in love with you, Christopher.  That much I know is still true.  I talk to other people, and I just miss you.  I try to make new friends.  I want to feel happy again.  But it's so hard to feel happy without you.  You said I was one of the happiest people you knew.  I want to be happy again baby.  I miss it.  But I was always happiest with you.  How do I get there again without you?

I hope Thanksgiving is fantastic in heaven.  It sure is miserable here without you.

I love you so much I can't stand the pain.


Wednesday, November 25, 2015

You're My Best Friend

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning baby.  I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself.  And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse.  You belong here with me.  And I miss you.  You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.

I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard.  You're still the only friend I want to talk to.  Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California.  She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you.  I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel.  But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried.  She had a lovely post about him on Facebook.  I cried like a baby.  Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard.  I just want you back baby.  But I know I can't have you.

You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to.  But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would.  I just want to be held by you.  I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping.  I miss you so much.

I love you and miss you so much it hurts.


Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Lonely, Sad, and Missing You

Dear Christopher,

I'm lonely and sad today.  I want to talk to you.  I want to hear your voice, and your laugh.  I want to hear you tell me you love me, and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.  I want to touch you.  I want to curl up halfway on top of you in my favorite position.  But instead, I'll sit here and write you a letter and cry.

It's amazing some of the things I've learned about you since you died baby.  Some of them I could have gone my whole life without knowing.  Others I'm glad I learned.  I'm not mad at you about anything I've learned.  But I'm sad that you kept some of the secrets you did from me.  I would have always loved you no matter what.  I still will always love you no matter what.  But some things would have been better coming from you.

I miss you so much I wonder if I'll ever fully heal.  If it's even possible to heal from this much pain.  You took so much of me with you.  People tell me I should be angry with you for leaving me.  And occasionally  I am.  But mainly I'm just sad.  I'm so sad that you left me.  I'm so sad that I couldn't save you.  I think I might literally die from a broken heart.  I hurt so bad.

Did you know that self destructive behavior is an especially common side effect in people who lost their life partner to a tragic death while in their 20's and 30's?  I didn't realize it was, until I started living it.  The self destructive thoughts are intense.  I want relief from this sadness any way I can get it, though.  It's so tough.

I've spent a lot of time lately wondering why you walked into my life and turned everything upside down.  And I think about how unfair it is that I got you for such a short amount of time.You were mine baby.  You were supposed to stay mine much longer, though.  I wouldn't trade a single second I had you for anything.  But it seems so unfair that I got you for such a short amount of time.  And my pain will last much much longer than the joy.

I love you so much that it hurts.


Monday, November 23, 2015

Two Weeks

Dear Christopher,

Mornings are definitely the hardest part of the day these days.  Waking up without you is terrible.  I woke up because of a text message this morning, but of course it wasn't you.  So I cried. I would give anything to wake up next to you one more time babe. I miss you and love you so much.

I sent you a message once that said in French they don't say I miss you, they say you're missing from me.  At the time I meant because you were a thousand miles away.  Now you really are missing from me.  And I struggle to handle that.  I am so in love with you.

It's been two weeks since you died.  The two most awful weeks in my existence.  I told you before I had been through some rough stuff.  And you know I had.  But none of that was anything like this.

People are ready for me to move on.  Guys are asking me out again. I just want friends, though, baby.  But I need someone.  Besides Elliott, Jon was the last one to really hug me. And that was over a week ago.  I needed to be hugged.  You always thought it was weird how much physical touch I needed.  I need it even more now.  Just a long hug.

It's almost thanksgiving.  I'm trying to remember to be thankful for everything I have. But the grief for everything I lost is intense.  I miss you.  I miss the plans I had with you for the future.  I miss everything about you.  If I could have you back, I'd do anything in my power to keep you with me forever.  I love you so much.

I talked to your mom a little yesterday.  She's struggling of course.  I wish I could do something to help her.  I'm praying for her though.  As bad as this is for me, I can't imagine how it is for her.

I love you more than I ever thought possible.


Sunday, November 22, 2015

Thank You

Dearest Christopher,

I miss you so much.  I haven't actually been crying when I woke up the last three mornings, but the weight in my chest is heavy.  You're still my first thought in the morning and my last one at night.  I love you. I'm still not sure how to accept that you're not coming back to me.  From the first time I saw you in person, I knew I belonged to you.  It was always you, Chris.  Always.  No matter how hard things were.  No matter how much you pushed me away.  You were always my choice.

Last night I was able to talk about you without crying the entire time.  I'm working hard on that.  I know I'll always be sad because of the way you left me.  I know we were supposed to be together.  But I'm working on smiling more and crying less when I think of you.  You were amazing.  You were strong.  You were brave.  And you were mine.  I have many wonderful memories of you.  Laughing and talking, cuddling, driving around.  I think what I miss the most is the way you looked when you were sleepy but trying to stay awake because I wouldn't shut up.

I know you weren't perfect.  And to be honest, I was an awful girlfriend sometimes.  But we were perfect together.  We were just exactly right and what the other one needed.

Thank you so much for coming into my life.  Thank you for teaching me so many valuable lessons.  Thank you for showing me how to trust again.  Thank you for everything.

I love you so much that I don't know how to live without you.  But I'm trying, baby.  I'm trying.


Saturday, November 21, 2015

Lonely and Sad

Dearest Christopher,

I woke up not crying again this morning.  And I even slept through the night last night.  I think I slept about 9.5 hours, and only woke up when Elliott woke me up.  Of course it didn't take long for me to start crying, because I still miss you so much.  But sleeping without tears feels nice.  But then I almost feel guilty for not missing you while I sleep.  I know that's insane.  And you wouldn't want me to cry for you.  And you would want me to be ok again.  But it's just so hard.

I can't seem to fully accept you aren't coming back to me.  We belong together.  And I miss you.  I always missed you when we were apart.  I was always thinking about you.  You were always the first thought on my mind in the morning, and the last one on my mind at night.  And that brought me comfort.  Because you said I was your first and last thought, too.  But now you're gone.  And you're still my first and last thought.  But I can't text you or call you to tell you about it.  I just write letters, but of course you can't write back.

I can now see your smile sometimes when I close my eyes.  It is so much better.  I can almost hear your laugh.  I'm so worried about losing the ability to remember how you sounded though.  I don't have a single recording of the way you sound, and that hurts.  I miss your voice so much.  You always said I was crazy, but I always loved your voice, and your laugh, even when we were just friends.  It was such a beautiful sound.

I feel so lonely and scared without you here.  The forums help, but they all talk about their friends hugging them and listening to them.  You were the one I relied on for that kind of support.  I don't have anyone else.  Carl is there to listen to me and tell me he loves me anyway.  But I need to be held.  And I don't have that.  And I know that if I had lost anyone else you would have been on the first train to me if you weren't already with me, no matter what.  But I don't have anyone else like that.  I feel so alone.

I've been trying to get into a grief counselor.   But haven't had luck with that.  That sucks.  Because I think I could use it.  But I've called twice and so far I've not had a return call.  That's rough baby.  It's hard to force myself to do anything right now.  The grief is still so overwhelming.  Some minutes I almost feel ok, but then it all comes crashing back.  And I can't stop crying again.  I'm beginning to think my eyes are going to be permanently swollen.

I miss you baby.  I would give almost anything to have you here with me right now.  I know you were in pain, but I wanted to help you.  I get that maybe that's selfish.  But I wanted you to feel better for you, too.  I just wanted to have a long life with you.  I'm so sad that I have to live the rest of my life without you.  It's so unfair.

I love you with everything in me


Friday, November 20, 2015

So Much Anger

Dear Christopher,

One week ago today I was sitting in a coffee shop with Jon.  I was trying not to cry while we talked about you.  We were both still struggling to come to terms with everything.  It was so weird being with Jon without you there.  You should have been there with us baby.  But instead we were talking about your memorial.

Today, for the first time since I found out, I woke up and wasn't crying.  In my dream, I was actually able to read your text message.  It didn't make sense, but I could read it.  That's an improvement.

I spent a lot of time yesterday talking to people on a forum.  I think it was good for me.  These people understand a little bit more about what I'm going through.  I'm so sad that they do.  But it's comforting, too.

Baby, I am so angry at everyone.  It took me completely by surprise.  I'm angry at you for hurting Elliott, but I can't seem to be angry at you for hurting me, even though people say that's coming.  I'm mainly angry at people I really have no business being angry at.  And I would never voice it to them, because I get that I'm being irrational.  But I just have so much anger inside right now.  I'm so angry at people who got to marry their soulmates.  I'm so jealous.  I wanted that too!  And  I don't get to.  I'm so angry at people who say they understand my pain, when they really have no idea.  I want to lash out at them, but I know they're trying to help, so I just say thanks.  But comparing the loss of a friend to the loss of my soulmate isn't fair.  I really wanna scream and say "Did you sit in your dead "friend's" bathroom and cry until you hyperventilated when you started your period, because you realized you could never have his baby??  Because I did.  Do you wake up so cold your teeth are chattering, and reach for the person who is supposed to be sleeping next to you, only to remember he's not there?  Because I do.  Please don't tell me you understand unless you've lost the love of your life, the person you were supposed to spend your life with."

I don't sleep in my bed.   You're supposed to be there with me.  I sleep on the couch.  Or in the recliner.  I know eventually I'm going to have to go back to sleeping in my bed.  And maybe eventually the memories of you there will bring me comfort.  But for now, they just hurt.  I tried Sunday afternoon, but I haven't been back since then.  In fact I don't think I've even stepped into the room since then.  I still haven't figured out how to face it.  Even on the couch I wake up reaching for you, trying to get closer to your warmth.  Only to realize your warmth is gone forever.

I'm trying to move forward through this awful grief, babe.  But it's hard.  I want to talk to you about it.  Because you are who I went to with my problems.  But you aren't here.  I talk to Mario about it some.  And he's fairly understanding.  He knows we belonged together.  I've talked to your sister a little bit.  But her grief is so strong, too.  She misses you.  And she has regrets.  I'm pushing away people who didn't know you.  I'm not doing it on purpose.  But I make them uncomfortable.  They don't know how to deal with such incredible sadness.  I tried reaching out to my mom, but that went terribly wrong.  I love her, but I have to accept the fact that she will just continue to make things worse.  So I'm done with that for now.  I miss you so much baby.  I need you.  There are so many things I need to tell you.  And so many things I need you to tell me.  I need to hold you.  I need to sleep against you.  But I just don't get what I need right now.

I love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love someone who wasn't my child.  Thanks for giving me that.  Thanks for always loving me back, too.  Even when I was a total pain.  I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life.  Thanks for allowing me to believe that some people can be trusted to love you unconditionally no matter what.

I love you so much


Thursday, November 19, 2015

Your Smell

Dear Christopher,

Good morning, baby.  I miss you.  How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me?   It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.

I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me.  I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now.  I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead.  But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.

People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams.  But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them.  I would rather see your face, baby.  One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was.  Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life.  Why did we do it baby?  We both knew it was a mistake.

I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday.  He assured me I'm normal.  But also told me I should really see a grief counselor.  I called and left a message with her yesterday.  I actually took that step myself.  Proud of me baby?  You know how much I hate making appointments...

Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched.  It was hard, baby.  Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?

I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died.  You were so young baby.  I wanted you at least 32 years more.  I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have.  I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough.  But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too.  I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college.  And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good.   Now the picture has changed.  I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.

How do I live without you babe?  I know I have to.  But it's so hard.  I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one.  And he was mine for 113 glorious days.  But he's gone now, and I must live without him.

The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more.  My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again.  It's funny how that works.  By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway.  But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.

I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you.  Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me.  Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely.  I hope you always knew that.

I love you so much it hurts.


Wednesday, November 18, 2015

You Were Mine

Dearest Christopher,

I keep thinking "the hardest thing about this is..."  but to tell the truth, the hardest thing about this is simply knowing I have to live without you.  When all I want to do is see your face again.  And hold you.  I would give anything to be curled up against you right now.  I love you so much.  And it's so sad and lonely without you.  I wake up crying and shaking.  I go to sleep crying.  I don't even realize that I'm crying as I am just sitting, thinking of nothing.

A week ago today was the day my entire life fell to pieces.  It was the day I got the text message saying you were gone.  I already knew something was up.  Then panic attack I had last Tuesday was too intense for everything to be ok.  But the confirmation on Wednesday that it was my worst nightmare was awful.  I thought it was the worst day of my entire life.  Now I'm not so sure.  There are a lot of "worst days" now.

People are starting to tell me it's time to return to my life.  And quit wallowing in sadness.  I know that it's my fault baby, because we never told them all you were my soulmate.  But it's HARD hearing that.  YOU were my future.  Without you, I'm so empty.  What life am I supposed to be returning to?  I'm trying to be ok for Elliott.  But really I just want to fall to pieces and never stop.

I have an appointment today at 2 to talk to a behavioral specialist.  I have no idea what to expect.  I just know I miss you.  And this pain is so intense.

You were right, babe.  I talk to a bunch of sick freaks online.  People are already asking me when I'll be ready for another relationship.  I thought these people were my friends.  Why aren't they giving me time to grieve you first?  They think it's funny when  I say I might be ready in a year.  But baby, how do I move on when I had my soulmate?  And he's gone.

I'm so needy right now, baby.  I'm basically begging for reassurance that I was the one you chose.  I'm struggling so much with the fact that SHE keeps signing your guestbook and saying how much she loves and misses you.  I believed you when you said you guys were just friends now.  And friends assure me I was the one you loved, but man, it's hard.  It's hard seeing someone else say how much they love the love of MY life.  And to imply that they feel the same way without you that I do.  You were MINE Christopher!!  You gave your heart to me.  You promised a life with ME!  I have your stuff all over my house, still waiting for you to come back.  I met your friends, I met your family.  I slept curled up against you.  I know she did none of those things.  But why is she still doing this?  I think maybe she doesn't know about me, and that hurts.  But I have to let it go.  And rest in the fact that I was your choice.  And your friends all agree.  You loved ME.  You wanted to spend your life with ME.  You were going to marry ME.  And that's enough.  Because I feel the exact same way about you.  You still have my heart.  I still love you more than ever.  I still want a life with you, even though I can't have it.

Baby, I miss you and I need you.  I keep telling everyone I'm not ok.  But I don't know how to describe it any more than that.  How am I supposed to be ok, when my entire world came crashing down around me?   How am I supposed to be ok, knowing that the man I promised to spend my life with is gone?  It kills me that we never officially got engaged.  You asked me four times, but always said it wasn't official yet.  That kills me.  Because now I never get to be your wife, or even your fiance.  And when I say my boyfriend died suddenly, that's somehow something I'm supposed to recover from quickly, where a fiance or spouse is allowed to take all the time they need.  I need time, too.  You were mine in every way that mattered baby.  Just not legally.

I love you so much that it hurts.


So Cold And Alone

I wrote this one yesterday but it wouldn't publish in the morning, and then I forgot later.

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning handsome.  How I miss sending you that text message every day and waiting for you to respond with "Good morning beautiful.  How did you sleep?" The answer today is broken.  I was up every hour or two.  Reaching for you.  It's so cold sleeping without you.  I didn't even realize that until I was in your bed Friday night without you.  Now I understand what you meant when you told me how cold it was without me when I left your house in September.  I'm so cold I don't know if I'll ever be warm again.

Yesterday was a really bad day, baby.  There was so much guilt and pain. We still have weeks until we get the toxicology report.  And even then we won't know exactly what happened.  But it might help.

J and I talked again yesterday.  She said I need professional help.  I already knew that, though.  You knew she loved you, right?  She is struggling with her own regrets.  She's helping me through this though.  I kinda wish she would blame me.  I wish someone would.  I know that's crazy.  But I feel so much guilt and blame.

I love you so much baby.  I would have helped you through anything if you had come to me with your problems.  I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't see more.  Hindsight is awful.  All I ever wanted was to help you and give you a good life with me.  I never wanted to fix you.  You weren't broken.  You were amazing just as you were.  I just wanted to help you deal with stuff in a better way.

I'm still trying to figure out how to live without you.  Each hour is a struggle.  Sleep is a relief, but waking up alone is painful.  You were much too young to die and leave me here alone.   The love of your life isn't supposed to die at 32.

I keep reading things about grief.  Trying to find my way through. And everything says the real pain hasn't even started yet.  Baby, I feel like the pain's going to kill me already.  How can I possibly get through anything worse?  I'm physically sore.  And I'm so exhausted.

I keep looking for a distraction.  But all I want is to talk about you or what I'm going through.  I'm pretty sure my friends will all leave me soon.  I can't focus on anything else.  But I need to work through this somehow.  I'm so alone and empty.

I regret so much not taking more pictures of and with you.  I know you hated your pics taken.  But baby I need more.  How do I scrapbook our life together with the handful of pics I have of you?

I love you so very much, with everything inside of me.


Monday, November 16, 2015

A Week Without You

Dear Christopher,

It's 7 am and I've been up for an hour.  I actually slept about 6 hours during the night last night.  You know what am accomplishment that would have been for me, even before. I guess I don't care if I have nightmares when I sleep now, because I'm already living one I can't wake up from.  Gosh, this is so hard. I miss you so much.  And I NEED you so much.

I've been listening to the song "Goodbyes" by 3 Doors Down a lot lately.  It was an accident the first time.  I was just listening to 3 Doors Down because it reminded me of you.  Remember listening to it in Chicago?  It was one of the only bands you liked on my phone, so we listened to the entire album twice.   Now I just listen to the one song, because it's perfect.  "I look ahead, but can't move on.  I look back but I can't stay.  And I keep trying to be strong, but this pain, it won't go away.  I hope this will heal in time.  Cause I can't go on like this. Right now I would give my life for one last kiss."

People ask me whether I'm going home for Christmas.  To be honest, I can barely focus on today.  The idea of celebrating Christmas anywhere without you is more than I can comprehend.  We were supposed to be announcing our relationship to everyone at Christmas.  We were supposed to be telling people how in love we were.  And how we were planning on getting married.  And instead I'll still be trying to wrap my head around the fact that we will never be able to get married.  I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, baby.  But this is hard.  I don't know how to do this without you. I love you so much.  I would give anything to be with you right now.

I'm trying so hard to be strong, baby.  But I don't know if I'm strong enough. Everything is so hard.  And I'm so tired. I keep putting on a brave face.  But I'm so empty inside without you.  I go to the doctor Wednesday.  I have no idea what to expect.  I guess I might try grief counseling, too.  I don't even want to get better.  But I know I have to.  Elliott is going to save my life.  Even if I'm not sure I want to live.  I have to for him.

I think the hardest part is just how little time I got with you.  113 days.  You weren't even mine for a full 4 months.  And now you're gone.  I remember telling you once I had never had a relationship that lasted more than 4.5 months without getting engaged.  You promised ours would.  You were wrong baby.  I was actually planning on taking you out and having a silly celebration when we hit the 4.5 month mark next month.  And telling you I guess we made it, since we weren't officially engaged.

The fact we never officially got engaged is hard for me, too, baby.  You asked me to marry you 4 times.  But always said the official engagement would come later.  I told you yes, and meant it every single time.  Like I told J, even when we were broken up, I always just KNEW we would get back together, and get married.  I couldn't imagine a life without you in it.  You're the other piece of me.  I still can't imagine a life without you. But I have to live it.

I love you, Christopher. I can't believe it's been a week since you left me.  You were so amazing, baby.  You were probably the bravest, strongest person I've ever met.  I know your life was incredibly difficult, but you tried so hard.  I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you more than I did.  I hope you always knew how hard I tried.  And I hope you always knew that I would have never ever given up on you.  No matter what.

I love you so much, baby.


Sunday, November 15, 2015

Home, Without You

Dear Christopher,

I'm back at my own house now. I honestly thought the next time I went to to Michigan I would be bringing you back to me for good.  How do I live like this?  Knowing you are supposed to be with me, but can't be?  I laid in my bed today and cried.  I have a feeling that's the new normal.  It's just hard.  I look at your side of the bed, and think about the way you looked lying next to me.  I move my arm and pretend I can reach you and sleep with my hand on your side like I always did when we were together.  I roll away and face the other side and imagine you'll scoot closer so you can feel my warmth like before.  But the bed is cold and empty.  Trixie curls up next to me and I laugh.  I am surprised by the laughter.  But it reminds me of you putting the pillow in the floor and telling her that was her bed.  And the look on her face as she jumped up onto YOUR side of the bed.

It's been a week since I last heard your voice.  The hardest week of my life.  I love you.  And I miss you.  I'm still not sure how to do this without you.  I went to church today.  I tried to pay attention, but it was kinda hard.  My church family is still praying for me.  And your family.  That's comforting.  I hope they remember to pray for Elliott, too.

Elliott's struggling, baby.  He's trying to be strong for me.  But he misses you.  You were important to him.  Remember how he always said you were his favorite grown up besides family?  It's hard.  He thought you were moving in with us.  And even though he didn't want us to get married, he wanted you to be with us.  I don't even know how to help him.  I can barely help myself.

I know you can see me now, or you can't see this letter anyway.  But I finally ate something today.  It's awful and I'm miserable.  But I'm trying.  I slept for about 2 hours this morning when I got home, and another 1.5 this afternoon.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep more than that again.

I talked to J today.  I wrote her an entire book on facebook messenger.  Unlike her brother, she appreciated it!  Ha.  She misses you, too, Christopher.  It was nice talking to her.  I told her some stuff about our relationship. I just needed her to know how much I love you.  She told me thanks for loving you.  Like I could help but love you.  You were my everything.  She's lovely, though.  And I really hope I can get to know her better.  I always thought I would have the chance when we were sisters in law.  Now that won't ever happen, but maybe we can still be friends.  After all, we both love the most amazing man I've ever known.

I'm struggling with so much right now.  Your memorial was so hard.  I didn't know anyone besides your mom. But it was comforting talking to other people who loved you.  And hearing from Mario how you talked about me was incredible.  I'm so glad that you told someone else how you wanted to be with me, because I made you so happy.  To be honest, I was beginning to think it was all in my head.  I always thought I loved you more than you loved me, but was ok with that.  But the confirmation that you loved me AND told others about me was exactly what I needed.

Baby, I keep thinking about everything I did wrong, and what I could have done better and differently.  I know I can't change anything, and I'm just beating myself up, but I can't help it.  I hope you always knew I was doing the best I could.  I love you so much.  I'm so empty without you.  Everyone keeps telling me time will heal it, but when every minute hurts, I don't know how to cope with that.  How much time will it take?  Will I even survive it?  Some times the pain is so intense that I don't think I can ever get better.  And then I'll go numb for a little bit.  Or I'll think of something about you that makes me laugh.  The sadness can't possibly stick 24/7 and I am so thankful for that.

I feel like no one really gets what I'm going through.  But I know that's my fault.  I know I was the one that wanted to keep our relationship secret a little longer.  I was an idiot, baby, I'm sorry.  I wish now that we had told the entire world.  I would be so proud to announce loudly to everyone while holding your hand "He's mine!  We belong together forever."  I'm so sorry  I was too stupid to see that before.  I hope you never felt like it was because  I was ashamed of you.  That was certainly never the case.  I was just ashamed of myself.  And my weakness.  And that I didn't tell people before that my marriage had failed.  But Christopher I was always proud to be your girlfriend.  I hope you know that.  Being your girlfriend was amazing.  And when you referred to me as your future wife, or talked about getting married, I was ecstatic. 

I love you more than I ever thought I possibly could.  Thanks for sharing your life with me baby, and keeping your promise to love me all your life.  I just wish it had been longer.

I love you so much it hurts.


Saturday, November 14, 2015

One Last Night

Dearest Christopher,

I thought the hardest day of my life was the day I find out you were gone.  Turns out I was wrong.  It was just the first incredibly painful day of many I'm sure.

I got to sleep in your bed one last time last night.  I slept wrapped up in things that smelled like you, holding your shirt you were wearing in the first picture you ever sent to me.  I slept better than I had since you left my house last month.  But, oh the pain, this morning!  Waking up alone in your bed!  I don't know how to wake up without you every morning for the rest of my life.

I got to meet some important people to you last night and I am so thankful for that.  It was nice to see how important you were to so many people.  I'm sorry that I was such a crybaby at your memorial.  I know it's something you would have made fun of me for.  But I just don't know how to not cry anymore.

I never ever doubted you loved me.  But talking to Mario last night confirmed to me that your love for me was great.  It was so comforting hearing him say how much you talked about me and how much you wanted to be with me in North Dakota.

I know you hate the backstreet boys, but the opening lines of one of their songs just keeps playing through my head.  The rest of the song doesn't apply but it does.  "It's not that I can't live without you.  It's just that I don't even want to try.  Every night I dream about you. Ever since the day we said goodbye."  Later on it says..."Because your love is so amazing. Baby you're the best thing in my life."

The truth is, I don't even know how to begin to live without you.  You were only mine for 113 days, but those were the best days of my life.  I got you for less than 1% of your days. I wanted you for over 50%.

Today I leave Michigan.  I don't know if I'll ever be back.  It's so hard being here without you.  But it's also comforting because it's where you were.  I see you everywhere.  I feel you here with me.  I looked around for you at Walmart last night before I remembered you weren't with me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy without you. You always said you needed me, but I didn't need you, I only wanted you.  Turns out you were wrong.  I need you so much.

I know you didn't leave me on purpose, and you wanted to be with me.  And I know in my heart that you belonged to me.  Not because I wanted to own you, but because you wanted to belong to me.  I think that's my problem now.  The heart that belongs to me is no longer beating.  And the heart in my chest can't figure out how to beat without its owner here on earth.

I am so thankful I got the opportunity to meet you.  Our time together was way too short, but it was incredible.  In the darkest hours I've wondered why I ever even got to meet you, just for you to be taken back away from me.  But I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for the world.  I know the intense pain will last much longer than the 113 days of joy I had, but it's so worth it.

Thank you for loving me no matter what.


Thursday, November 12, 2015

Rest Stop

I'm sitting at a rest stop in Minnesota.  Don't ask me how long I've been here, or when I might leave.  I honestly have no idea on either count. I just needed a break for a few minutes.

Chris's funeral is tomorrow.  I've driven 450 miles and have another 650 to go.  I don't think I'll stop and sleep.  I don't think I could sleep if I tried.

I've been talking to one of his friends on Facebook.  I feel such an overwhelming desire to reach out to people who loved him.  I knew him for such a short amount of time that it sometimes feels like a dream.  I need validation that it was real.  That he was real.  And he really was just as amazing as I know he was.

He felt like people didn't like him, but I don't see that at all.  I know people always have nicer things to say after someone dies.  But some of those people are genuinely grieving.  I'm sure his family is devastated, although I haven't talked to any of them.  His mom is the only one I've ever met, and I don't have her phone number.  I'm not sure she would want to talk to me anyway though.  But I know this has got to be so hard for her.

3 AM and I Miss Him SO Much

It's 3 am and I'm sitting in front of the computer trying to make sense of  this week.  I've never been good at sleeping at night when I'm all alone, but tonight I'm not even going to pretend to try.  I miss Christopher so much.  I'm wearing one of his t shirts right now, with one of his dress shirts open over the top of it.  Keeping it classy at 3 am. ;)   The t shirt has been washed and no longer smells of him, but the dress shirt does.  And I need that tonight.

I've spent the entire day going back and forth between complete numbness and crying so hysterically I'm sure I will hyperventilate.  I can't make up my mind which is worse.  I just know that this is really hard.  Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I've been through my fair share of hard stuff.

Christopher was only 32.  He was a Taurus, born on Friday, the 13th of May, 1983.  He was a caring man.  He was funny.  He was cute.  He was one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, but only when he wanted to be.  He loved lasagna and meatloaf, and hated mushrooms and pickles.  He liked comedies and action movies.  He considered sad movies to be one of the worst things ever.

I only had 113 days to get to know this man.  And I certainly tried.  He laughed at how random I was when we were on the phone or texting.  And I would switch from one topic to the next.  But I wanted to know everything about him.  I knew within the first week of talking to him that he was special and was going to be very important to me.  He laughed at my confidence sometimes.  I would just tell him "I KNOW we're supposed to be together!  I love you!  Don't you love me?"  And his response was "Of course I do.  I told you first, remember?"

A lot of people could probably tell you those things, though.  The things that maybe they couldn't tell you are the more important ones, though. At least to me. Like the way he said "I love you" and actually looked at my face.  He wasn't a fan of eye contact and hated it when he caught me looking at him.  But when he said I love you, he would look directly at me.  Or the way he would rub my back when I put my head on his chest to talk to him.  He wasn't a fan of snuggling, and would frequently tell me I was asking a lot of him when I curled up on him, but he let me do it anyway.  And he snuggled back.  He also had this way of looking at me when he didn't think I was paying attention.  And the cutest smile on his face.  Like he was doing something sneaky by looking at me.  I know he wasn't a perfect guy, but he certainly was one of my favorites.

Right now I'm dealing with the aftermath of losing him.  And it's hard.  I can laugh at some of my memories of him already, but I know a lot of the others will forever be painful.  Watching him walk away from me for the last time is something I'm not sure I will ever get over.  The guilt that goes with that memory for me is intense.  But the smile on his face the first time he saw me is a pleasant thing to think about.  And the way he looked when he told me I was much more beautiful in person than in my pictures.

I only had 113 days with my soulmate.  It was much too brief.  But it taught me so much.  It taught me things I'll always remember, even if I live to be 113 years old.