Dearest Christopher,
Good morning. I love you. I wonder if you ever got the messages I sent to you 4 weeks ago today, or if you were already too far gone. I miss you so much.
Last night I came to a conclusion. I'm not reaching out to anyone in your family in any way anymore. If they want to talk to me, I'll talk to them, but I won't be the one to try anymore. They're not my family and now they never will be. I tried baby. Because they were your family and I love you so much. But it's hard. Our relationship never mattered to them. They don't care how very much in love we were.
I love you, and I miss you. I miss everything about you. This pain is so unbearable. Especially at night when I'm lying here alone, when I should be next to you. I've cried so many tears for you, both when you were alive and now that you're gone. I don't see that stopping anytime soon.
Four weeks ago I was worried about you. But I was excited that I was getting ready to see you again. I was packing. I was researching things to help you. I was checking into counseling services. I assumed I would be seeing you in just a couple of days. And it would be hard, because you were in so much pain. But I thought you wanted to see me again. I thought you were really planning on coming home with me and us going together to get the help you needed. I thought I was so close to getting you home with me, where I could help you. Baby I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I tried my hardest, but I couldn't save you. And I will regret that for the rest of my life. No one wanted to save you more than I did. I always saw how great and beautiful you were on the inside and the outside.
I'm grieving so hard now baby. I'm missing you so much it physically hurts. I'm grieving for our family that we will never be able to have. I'm hurting because of the way your family is acting. I'm hurting because people who didn't show you how much they loved you while you were alive, suddenly are. And that bothers me. Why couldn't they do that while you were alive? Why did you think that your mom, Jon, and Elliott were the only ones that loved you besides me? Would it have made a difference if they had shown you love? Could they have even done it? Or is it just guilt now? Baby, I hope you never ever even for one minute doubted I loved you. I know sometimes I hurt you. And I'm really sorry for that. But even when I'd say something hurtful I always tried to make sure you knew I still loved you. I was just hurting.
My grief is so complicated. I wish I could talk about it with someone who knew and loved you. I wish I could explain to someone all that I lost when I lost you. But no one would get it. Because no one liked me while you were still alive. Now I'm just a reminder of what they lost. I wonder if your mom grieves for the children you'll never have, the way I do? You were so good with Elliott. You would have been a great daddy. I grieve for the fact that Elliott never gets you now. And we never get another one of our own together.
I hurt for any guy I ever enter a relationship with in the future. I had enough complications from my past to make me a not so great choice. I know you always loved me anyway, despite all that. But now there's another layer for any guy in the future to deal with. How do they compete with my dead soul mate? I know you weren't perfect, but you were perfect for me.
I love you so much babe.
Carla
Monday, December 7, 2015
Sunday, December 6, 2015
You Were Brave and Strong
Dearest Christopher,
I love you so much. Sundays are so hard. Today marks four weeks since I last heard your voice. And I miss it SO much. I miss everything about you, though. Even the things I didn't always like. I would give anything to hear you say anything to me right now, even if it was "Babe? Can you get off me? I'm tired of cuddling." Haha. I hope you always knew how much I appreciated you cuddling with me even though you didn't especially like it. I love you.
Today I read this thing about how we choose life partners. It said we look for partners that have the qualities we wish we had, and partners that have something we were lacking from our childhood. The qualities you had that I want are bravery, strength, and a fighting spirit. Those were some of my favorite things about you. I remember you asked me once why I was in love with you when we were so different. I love you. And I loved the qualities I just listed. Plus you were funny, cute, loving, and sweet.
If I had to guess, the qualities you were looking for and found in me were optimism, happiness, and the ability to love so completely with all of me, no matter what.
I'm not sure I'm still that same girl now, though. And I'm not sure I'll ever be her again. But I'm trying to become a better version of myself, because of you. I hope I make you proud, baby.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
I love you so much. Sundays are so hard. Today marks four weeks since I last heard your voice. And I miss it SO much. I miss everything about you, though. Even the things I didn't always like. I would give anything to hear you say anything to me right now, even if it was "Babe? Can you get off me? I'm tired of cuddling." Haha. I hope you always knew how much I appreciated you cuddling with me even though you didn't especially like it. I love you.
Today I read this thing about how we choose life partners. It said we look for partners that have the qualities we wish we had, and partners that have something we were lacking from our childhood. The qualities you had that I want are bravery, strength, and a fighting spirit. Those were some of my favorite things about you. I remember you asked me once why I was in love with you when we were so different. I love you. And I loved the qualities I just listed. Plus you were funny, cute, loving, and sweet.
If I had to guess, the qualities you were looking for and found in me were optimism, happiness, and the ability to love so completely with all of me, no matter what.
I'm not sure I'm still that same girl now, though. And I'm not sure I'll ever be her again. But I'm trying to become a better version of myself, because of you. I hope I make you proud, baby.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Saturday, December 5, 2015
3 Months Ago...
Dearest Christopher,
Today I miss you so much I woke up crying. And kept crying for a while. Happy 3 month anniversary baby, from the day we first met face to face.
It's later in the day than when I usually write to you. I wanted to wait until it was late enough that I was already at your house 3 months ago today. And at this time, we had just finished dinner with Jeff and were back at your house. You were so cute and so nervous when you asked if I was sure that I wanted to stay with you. I was afraid you meant you didn't want me to. But you pulled me close to you and said you wanted me with you always. You just weren't sure I wanted to be with you, especially after the drama with Jon.
I knew that night I was in love with you. I knew I never wanted to fall asleep in anyone else's arms again. You and I were the perfect fit together. Curling up on your chest was just so right.
If I had known then that you would only be mine for two more months, I don't think I would have changed anything, except maybe paid better attention to all the little things about you. I remember tracing my hands along your scars that night. And I told you "I'm sorry you were in a place that this was the best way to deal with it. But I'm glad you're ok now, and here with me." You said "Me too baby. I love you." Two months later you were back in that same place, and I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry. I have never wanted anything so much in my life as I want one more night with you. One more night where I'm curled up against you with my head on your chest and you slowly tracing patterns on my back while we talk about anything and everything.
Every day the pain gets worse, not better. Every day is another day I don't get to talk to the love of my life. We should be decorating our house for Christmas this week baby. But instead I'm here alone. And I won't decorate. Because I don't want Christmas without you, Christopher. I don't want anything without you Chris. But I have to, because you left me. And I don't know how to deal with that.
I love you so much and I miss you every single second of the day.
Carla
Today I miss you so much I woke up crying. And kept crying for a while. Happy 3 month anniversary baby, from the day we first met face to face.
It's later in the day than when I usually write to you. I wanted to wait until it was late enough that I was already at your house 3 months ago today. And at this time, we had just finished dinner with Jeff and were back at your house. You were so cute and so nervous when you asked if I was sure that I wanted to stay with you. I was afraid you meant you didn't want me to. But you pulled me close to you and said you wanted me with you always. You just weren't sure I wanted to be with you, especially after the drama with Jon.
I knew that night I was in love with you. I knew I never wanted to fall asleep in anyone else's arms again. You and I were the perfect fit together. Curling up on your chest was just so right.
If I had known then that you would only be mine for two more months, I don't think I would have changed anything, except maybe paid better attention to all the little things about you. I remember tracing my hands along your scars that night. And I told you "I'm sorry you were in a place that this was the best way to deal with it. But I'm glad you're ok now, and here with me." You said "Me too baby. I love you." Two months later you were back in that same place, and I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry. I have never wanted anything so much in my life as I want one more night with you. One more night where I'm curled up against you with my head on your chest and you slowly tracing patterns on my back while we talk about anything and everything.
Every day the pain gets worse, not better. Every day is another day I don't get to talk to the love of my life. We should be decorating our house for Christmas this week baby. But instead I'm here alone. And I won't decorate. Because I don't want Christmas without you, Christopher. I don't want anything without you Chris. But I have to, because you left me. And I don't know how to deal with that.
I love you so much and I miss you every single second of the day.
Carla
Friday, December 4, 2015
Can't Sleep
Dearest Christopher,
It's almost 4 am and I can't sleep. I miss you so much and I can't stop crying. I wonder if the pain will ever go away. I don't think it ever will. As long as I'm alive, I'll love and miss you. I don't know how to live without you. But I'm trying, baby. Believe me, I'm trying.
I've been on pinterest looking at quotes. I know you thought I spent too much time looking at quotes but sometimes it makes me feel better to realize that other people are going through what I'm going through. I know there are a lot of sad people out there. And I'm sad for them. But I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
Ironically I read a quote at 3:41 (4:41 in Michigan) that said "It's 4:41 am, I wish I was pressed against your chest listening to your heartbeat instead of the rain." And that's the kind of thing I would have sent you while you were alive. Because I missed you so much anytime we were apart. But now that you're gone, it's even more meaningful. I would give up almost anything to be in your arms right now.
I miss you so much that it physically hurts me baby. I don't know to do this. I know I say that a lot. But it's true. I miss you. And I need you. I love you so much. I don't ever want to stop loving you, but I wish it would become less painful.
Every single day I think of something else I should have tried to save you. And every day I realize that I didn't try hard enough to save you. I hope you realized that I was doing the best I knew how to do though. I love you. And if love alone would have been enough, you'd still be here. My love for you is strong, deep, and complete. You used to say it was scary. It wasn't when you were alive. But sometimes it is now. Because you aren't here. And it feels like there's nowhere for it to go.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
It's almost 4 am and I can't sleep. I miss you so much and I can't stop crying. I wonder if the pain will ever go away. I don't think it ever will. As long as I'm alive, I'll love and miss you. I don't know how to live without you. But I'm trying, baby. Believe me, I'm trying.
I've been on pinterest looking at quotes. I know you thought I spent too much time looking at quotes but sometimes it makes me feel better to realize that other people are going through what I'm going through. I know there are a lot of sad people out there. And I'm sad for them. But I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
Ironically I read a quote at 3:41 (4:41 in Michigan) that said "It's 4:41 am, I wish I was pressed against your chest listening to your heartbeat instead of the rain." And that's the kind of thing I would have sent you while you were alive. Because I missed you so much anytime we were apart. But now that you're gone, it's even more meaningful. I would give up almost anything to be in your arms right now.
I miss you so much that it physically hurts me baby. I don't know to do this. I know I say that a lot. But it's true. I miss you. And I need you. I love you so much. I don't ever want to stop loving you, but I wish it would become less painful.
Every single day I think of something else I should have tried to save you. And every day I realize that I didn't try hard enough to save you. I hope you realized that I was doing the best I knew how to do though. I love you. And if love alone would have been enough, you'd still be here. My love for you is strong, deep, and complete. You used to say it was scary. It wasn't when you were alive. But sometimes it is now. Because you aren't here. And it feels like there's nowhere for it to go.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Thursday, December 3, 2015
First Therapy Appointment
Dearest Christopher,
I love you so much. I miss you more than I imagined possible. I thought I thought about you all the time when you were still alive. And I did think about you a lot. But not like now. You're always on my mind baby. I love you. Living without you isn't getting easier. I don't know how it ever will.
I had therapy yesterday. She told me all my symptoms and feelings were normal. She said I'm going through one of the roughest things a person can go through. And that being so far from the other people that love you complicates my grieving process. Because I need to talk to them. But I can't. I feel like I'm bugging your mom and sister when I talk to them.
I'm looking at a picture of my sister, Elliott, and me at Chuck e cheese. It makes me angry that you didn't take one with Elliott that day. He doesn't have a single picture of the two of you together. And that's not fair. He loves you and he misses you. And the pictures he stares at are one of just you, and one of you and me together. Because that's all he has.
I love you so much. But I'm so upset that you hurt Elliott. I don't like it that you hurt anyone, but especially Elliott. You did this while his dad was deployed and he was already going through rough stuff. It really sucks. He didn't deserve any of this.
Elliott has already forgiven you though. He did almost immediately. He said you loved us, and we love you. And you would watch over us from heaven. He said you would never choose to leave us, because you belonged with us. He was right. You did love us, and we both love you. And we belong together. We were supposed to be a family.
I love you more than I ever thought possible, and I miss you even more.
Carla
I love you so much. I miss you more than I imagined possible. I thought I thought about you all the time when you were still alive. And I did think about you a lot. But not like now. You're always on my mind baby. I love you. Living without you isn't getting easier. I don't know how it ever will.
I had therapy yesterday. She told me all my symptoms and feelings were normal. She said I'm going through one of the roughest things a person can go through. And that being so far from the other people that love you complicates my grieving process. Because I need to talk to them. But I can't. I feel like I'm bugging your mom and sister when I talk to them.
I'm looking at a picture of my sister, Elliott, and me at Chuck e cheese. It makes me angry that you didn't take one with Elliott that day. He doesn't have a single picture of the two of you together. And that's not fair. He loves you and he misses you. And the pictures he stares at are one of just you, and one of you and me together. Because that's all he has.
I love you so much. But I'm so upset that you hurt Elliott. I don't like it that you hurt anyone, but especially Elliott. You did this while his dad was deployed and he was already going through rough stuff. It really sucks. He didn't deserve any of this.
Elliott has already forgiven you though. He did almost immediately. He said you loved us, and we love you. And you would watch over us from heaven. He said you would never choose to leave us, because you belonged with us. He was right. You did love us, and we both love you. And we belong together. We were supposed to be a family.
I love you more than I ever thought possible, and I miss you even more.
Carla
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Therapy Today
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning handsome. I miss you. I have my first real therapy appointment today. I'm pretty nervous. I hope it will help. I need to talk to someone. I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry. I can't believe you did this to us! I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general. Because this really really sucks. I want you to come home!!
Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again. I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you. I hate that babe. I could not stop crying. How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe. I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher. This is so unfair. You were way too young to die and leave me here alone. And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already. How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??
I know our relationship was far from perfect. But I never wanted a perfect relationship. I wanted a real one, and I had that with you. Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together. When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you. And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either. But now I'm forced to live mine without you. And I just don't know how to do it.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Good morning handsome. I miss you. I have my first real therapy appointment today. I'm pretty nervous. I hope it will help. I need to talk to someone. I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry. I can't believe you did this to us! I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general. Because this really really sucks. I want you to come home!!
Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again. I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you. I hate that babe. I could not stop crying. How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe. I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher. This is so unfair. You were way too young to die and leave me here alone. And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already. How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??
I know our relationship was far from perfect. But I never wanted a perfect relationship. I wanted a real one, and I had that with you. Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together. When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you. And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either. But now I'm forced to live mine without you. And I just don't know how to do it.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Finally A Smile
Dearest Christopher,
This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always. But this morning there was a smile on my face. I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone. But I was smiling at some of my memories of you. The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it! I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha. It's always been one of my favorite memories. We were both so happy. It was the first night I was in Michigan.
Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary. I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me. But we were supposed to celebrate it. Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me. That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do. What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change. I will still love you forever.
Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret. Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And living without you sucks. When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep. But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time. And I always knew you would come back to me. You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me. And I always believed it was true. I was the best thing that ever happened to you. And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too. But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me. I still don't know how to survive.
I love you and I miss you so much
Carla
This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always. But this morning there was a smile on my face. I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone. But I was smiling at some of my memories of you. The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it! I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha. It's always been one of my favorite memories. We were both so happy. It was the first night I was in Michigan.
Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary. I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me. But we were supposed to celebrate it. Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me. That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do. What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change. I will still love you forever.
Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret. Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And living without you sucks. When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep. But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time. And I always knew you would come back to me. You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me. And I always believed it was true. I was the best thing that ever happened to you. And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too. But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me. I still don't know how to survive.
I love you and I miss you so much
Carla
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