Therapy Today

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning handsome.  I miss you.  I have my first real therapy appointment today.  I'm pretty nervous.  I hope it will help.  I need to talk to someone.  I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry.  I can't believe you did this to us!  I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general.  Because this really really sucks.  I want you to come home!!

Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again.  I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you.  I hate that babe.  I could not stop crying.  How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe.  I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher.  This is so unfair.  You were way too young to die and leave me here alone.  And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already.  How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??

I know our relationship was far from perfect.  But I never wanted a perfect relationship.  I wanted a real one, and I had that with you.  Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together.  When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you.  And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either.  But now I'm forced to live mine without you.  And I just don't know how to do it.

I love you so much it hurts

Carla