Dearest Christopher,
Good morning handsome. I miss you. I have my first real therapy appointment today. I'm pretty nervous. I hope it will help. I need to talk to someone. I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry. I can't believe you did this to us! I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general. Because this really really sucks. I want you to come home!!
Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again. I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you. I hate that babe. I could not stop crying. How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe. I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher. This is so unfair. You were way too young to die and leave me here alone. And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already. How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??
I know our relationship was far from perfect. But I never wanted a perfect relationship. I wanted a real one, and I had that with you. Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together. When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you. And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either. But now I'm forced to live mine without you. And I just don't know how to do it.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Saturday, November 28, 2015
it's So Hard Without You
Dearest Christopher,
I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone. Your sister once said it was hard to love you. It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now. It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore. You were mine. You belonged with me. And you took so much of me when you left. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house. And I'm still terrified about leaving my house. I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it. I don't even want to do those things really. I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie. But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house. And that's scary.
I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday. I'm really nervous, but I know I need it. I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it. And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time. I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much and I always did.
It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out. Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year. I hate it that it won't be there. I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year. But I can't, because of Elliott. Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.
I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.
Carla
I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone. Your sister once said it was hard to love you. It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now. It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore. You were mine. You belonged with me. And you took so much of me when you left. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house. And I'm still terrified about leaving my house. I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it. I don't even want to do those things really. I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie. But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house. And that's scary.
I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday. I'm really nervous, but I know I need it. I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it. And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time. I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much and I always did.
It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out. Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year. I hate it that it won't be there. I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year. But I can't, because of Elliott. Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.
I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.
Carla
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Your Smell
Dear Christopher,
Good morning, baby. I miss you. How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me? It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.
I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me. I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now. I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead. But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.
People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams. But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them. I would rather see your face, baby. One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was. Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Why did we do it baby? We both knew it was a mistake.
I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday. He assured me I'm normal. But also told me I should really see a grief counselor. I called and left a message with her yesterday. I actually took that step myself. Proud of me baby? You know how much I hate making appointments...
Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched. It was hard, baby. Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?
I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died. You were so young baby. I wanted you at least 32 years more. I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have. I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough. But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too. I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college. And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good. Now the picture has changed. I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.
How do I live without you babe? I know I have to. But it's so hard. I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one. And he was mine for 113 glorious days. But he's gone now, and I must live without him.
The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more. My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again. It's funny how that works. By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway. But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.
I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you. Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me. Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely. I hope you always knew that.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Good morning, baby. I miss you. How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me? It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.
I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me. I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now. I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead. But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.
People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams. But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them. I would rather see your face, baby. One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was. Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Why did we do it baby? We both knew it was a mistake.
I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday. He assured me I'm normal. But also told me I should really see a grief counselor. I called and left a message with her yesterday. I actually took that step myself. Proud of me baby? You know how much I hate making appointments...
Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched. It was hard, baby. Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?
I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died. You were so young baby. I wanted you at least 32 years more. I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have. I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough. But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too. I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college. And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good. Now the picture has changed. I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.
How do I live without you babe? I know I have to. But it's so hard. I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one. And he was mine for 113 glorious days. But he's gone now, and I must live without him.
The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more. My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again. It's funny how that works. By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway. But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.
I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you. Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me. Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely. I hope you always knew that.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
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