Dearest Christopher,
Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath. I still don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be ok yet. Will I ever be ok again? Some days I think I might be. Other days I'm sure I won't be. I just miss you so much. I hurt all the time. I fake smiles and I laugh. But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes. Like in the one picture that everyone else likes. But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy. You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you. I'm still in love with you. But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy. I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you. And that you loved me back. But I'm so sad because it's over. I never wanted it to end.
I start grief counseling in two days. I hope it goes well. I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen. I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense. But they don't. And they never will. Because you aren't here. And you made sense. You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing. You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life. I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again. I didn't lie. I was there for the rest of your life. But why can't you be here for mine?? Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32?? Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else. But I don't want anyone else. I want YOU. And you left me!!
I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs. For months now that's been you. I can't go to sleep without thinking about you. And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare. And I can't wake up from it. You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time. It made me happy because I thought about you all the time, too. I still do. But now it makes me sad. Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here. I don't really blame you. I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope. I love you so much. I would have done anything for you. Anything at all. I hope you always knew that.
I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week. How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you? How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy? I just want you back. The pain I feel is unbearable. It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you. And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long. This is absolutely unbearable. I don't know how to live with this pain. All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby. I miss you so much. You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about. What do I do now? Who do I turn to? The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.
I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone. I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me. But I think it made things harder. I KNOW you still loved me. But I was so scared and hurt that last week. I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though. I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone. It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died. I hope you still know that it's true.
I love you so much baby
Carla
Showing posts with label soulmates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label soulmates. Show all posts
Monday, November 30, 2015
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Your Smell
Dear Christopher,
Good morning, baby. I miss you. How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me? It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.
I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me. I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now. I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead. But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.
People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams. But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them. I would rather see your face, baby. One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was. Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Why did we do it baby? We both knew it was a mistake.
I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday. He assured me I'm normal. But also told me I should really see a grief counselor. I called and left a message with her yesterday. I actually took that step myself. Proud of me baby? You know how much I hate making appointments...
Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched. It was hard, baby. Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?
I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died. You were so young baby. I wanted you at least 32 years more. I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have. I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough. But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too. I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college. And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good. Now the picture has changed. I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.
How do I live without you babe? I know I have to. But it's so hard. I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one. And he was mine for 113 glorious days. But he's gone now, and I must live without him.
The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more. My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again. It's funny how that works. By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway. But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.
I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you. Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me. Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely. I hope you always knew that.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Good morning, baby. I miss you. How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me? It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.
I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me. I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now. I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead. But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.
People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams. But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them. I would rather see your face, baby. One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was. Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Why did we do it baby? We both knew it was a mistake.
I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday. He assured me I'm normal. But also told me I should really see a grief counselor. I called and left a message with her yesterday. I actually took that step myself. Proud of me baby? You know how much I hate making appointments...
Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched. It was hard, baby. Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?
I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died. You were so young baby. I wanted you at least 32 years more. I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have. I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough. But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too. I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college. And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good. Now the picture has changed. I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.
How do I live without you babe? I know I have to. But it's so hard. I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one. And he was mine for 113 glorious days. But he's gone now, and I must live without him.
The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more. My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again. It's funny how that works. By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway. But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.
I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you. Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me. Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely. I hope you always knew that.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Thursday, November 12, 2015
3 AM and I Miss Him SO Much
It's 3 am and I'm sitting in front of the computer trying to make sense of this week. I've never been good at sleeping at night when I'm all alone, but tonight I'm not even going to pretend to try. I miss Christopher so much. I'm wearing one of his t shirts right now, with one of his dress shirts open over the top of it. Keeping it classy at 3 am. ;) The t shirt has been washed and no longer smells of him, but the dress shirt does. And I need that tonight.
I've spent the entire day going back and forth between complete numbness and crying so hysterically I'm sure I will hyperventilate. I can't make up my mind which is worse. I just know that this is really hard. Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I've been through my fair share of hard stuff.
Christopher was only 32. He was a Taurus, born on Friday, the 13th of May, 1983. He was a caring man. He was funny. He was cute. He was one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, but only when he wanted to be. He loved lasagna and meatloaf, and hated mushrooms and pickles. He liked comedies and action movies. He considered sad movies to be one of the worst things ever.
I only had 113 days to get to know this man. And I certainly tried. He laughed at how random I was when we were on the phone or texting. And I would switch from one topic to the next. But I wanted to know everything about him. I knew within the first week of talking to him that he was special and was going to be very important to me. He laughed at my confidence sometimes. I would just tell him "I KNOW we're supposed to be together! I love you! Don't you love me?" And his response was "Of course I do. I told you first, remember?"
A lot of people could probably tell you those things, though. The things that maybe they couldn't tell you are the more important ones, though. At least to me. Like the way he said "I love you" and actually looked at my face. He wasn't a fan of eye contact and hated it when he caught me looking at him. But when he said I love you, he would look directly at me. Or the way he would rub my back when I put my head on his chest to talk to him. He wasn't a fan of snuggling, and would frequently tell me I was asking a lot of him when I curled up on him, but he let me do it anyway. And he snuggled back. He also had this way of looking at me when he didn't think I was paying attention. And the cutest smile on his face. Like he was doing something sneaky by looking at me. I know he wasn't a perfect guy, but he certainly was one of my favorites.
Right now I'm dealing with the aftermath of losing him. And it's hard. I can laugh at some of my memories of him already, but I know a lot of the others will forever be painful. Watching him walk away from me for the last time is something I'm not sure I will ever get over. The guilt that goes with that memory for me is intense. But the smile on his face the first time he saw me is a pleasant thing to think about. And the way he looked when he told me I was much more beautiful in person than in my pictures.
I only had 113 days with my soulmate. It was much too brief. But it taught me so much. It taught me things I'll always remember, even if I live to be 113 years old.
I've spent the entire day going back and forth between complete numbness and crying so hysterically I'm sure I will hyperventilate. I can't make up my mind which is worse. I just know that this is really hard. Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I've been through my fair share of hard stuff.
Christopher was only 32. He was a Taurus, born on Friday, the 13th of May, 1983. He was a caring man. He was funny. He was cute. He was one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, but only when he wanted to be. He loved lasagna and meatloaf, and hated mushrooms and pickles. He liked comedies and action movies. He considered sad movies to be one of the worst things ever.
I only had 113 days to get to know this man. And I certainly tried. He laughed at how random I was when we were on the phone or texting. And I would switch from one topic to the next. But I wanted to know everything about him. I knew within the first week of talking to him that he was special and was going to be very important to me. He laughed at my confidence sometimes. I would just tell him "I KNOW we're supposed to be together! I love you! Don't you love me?" And his response was "Of course I do. I told you first, remember?"
A lot of people could probably tell you those things, though. The things that maybe they couldn't tell you are the more important ones, though. At least to me. Like the way he said "I love you" and actually looked at my face. He wasn't a fan of eye contact and hated it when he caught me looking at him. But when he said I love you, he would look directly at me. Or the way he would rub my back when I put my head on his chest to talk to him. He wasn't a fan of snuggling, and would frequently tell me I was asking a lot of him when I curled up on him, but he let me do it anyway. And he snuggled back. He also had this way of looking at me when he didn't think I was paying attention. And the cutest smile on his face. Like he was doing something sneaky by looking at me. I know he wasn't a perfect guy, but he certainly was one of my favorites.
Right now I'm dealing with the aftermath of losing him. And it's hard. I can laugh at some of my memories of him already, but I know a lot of the others will forever be painful. Watching him walk away from me for the last time is something I'm not sure I will ever get over. The guilt that goes with that memory for me is intense. But the smile on his face the first time he saw me is a pleasant thing to think about. And the way he looked when he told me I was much more beautiful in person than in my pictures.
I only had 113 days with my soulmate. It was much too brief. But it taught me so much. It taught me things I'll always remember, even if I live to be 113 years old.
A Letter To Him
I wrote this letter to my best friend in the entire world about 12 hours after I found out about his death. It took me that long to process it well enough to put it in writing, but here it is. It's raw and it's painful. It's the exact words I handwrote on a piece of paper as I sat and cried.
Dearest Christopher,
I love you so very much. Knowing I will never hug you, or see you again is so hard. I don't know how to live without you. 113 days wasn't nearly enough time to spend with my soulmate. 113 days. That's all I had. I hope you knew how much I loved you during that time. And how much I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. I know we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, I just thought it would be far longer. This is so unfair. I love you so much and this is so hard for me. I don't even know who I am without you. I am so sorry I let you down. I should have tried harder. I should have made sure you were actually getting the help you needed. I knew you were in pain. I don't know why I thought I could be enough. I just loved you so much. But I know love isn't always enough. I tried so hard, though. Baby, I love you.
I don't know if you can see me now, but if you can, then you can see how much I loved you, and still do. And how sorry I am that I didn't get you the help you needed. I don't think you took your own life, but if you did, I don't blame you. I know you were in pain. I wish I could have helped more. The guilt is eating me alive. But I'll be strong. And I'll continue living because that's what you would have wanted. You'll always have a piece of me. I have to learn to live without it. But I'll always have a piece of you, too. And it's my favorite part of me. I hope if you can see me, I'll make you proud.
I love you with everything I am.
Carla
Dearest Christopher,
I love you so very much. Knowing I will never hug you, or see you again is so hard. I don't know how to live without you. 113 days wasn't nearly enough time to spend with my soulmate. 113 days. That's all I had. I hope you knew how much I loved you during that time. And how much I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. I know we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, I just thought it would be far longer. This is so unfair. I love you so much and this is so hard for me. I don't even know who I am without you. I am so sorry I let you down. I should have tried harder. I should have made sure you were actually getting the help you needed. I knew you were in pain. I don't know why I thought I could be enough. I just loved you so much. But I know love isn't always enough. I tried so hard, though. Baby, I love you.
I don't know if you can see me now, but if you can, then you can see how much I loved you, and still do. And how sorry I am that I didn't get you the help you needed. I don't think you took your own life, but if you did, I don't blame you. I know you were in pain. I wish I could have helped more. The guilt is eating me alive. But I'll be strong. And I'll continue living because that's what you would have wanted. You'll always have a piece of me. I have to learn to live without it. But I'll always have a piece of you, too. And it's my favorite part of me. I hope if you can see me, I'll make you proud.
I love you with everything I am.
Carla
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