You Were Mine

Dearest Christopher,

I keep thinking "the hardest thing about this is..."  but to tell the truth, the hardest thing about this is simply knowing I have to live without you.  When all I want to do is see your face again.  And hold you.  I would give anything to be curled up against you right now.  I love you so much.  And it's so sad and lonely without you.  I wake up crying and shaking.  I go to sleep crying.  I don't even realize that I'm crying as I am just sitting, thinking of nothing.

A week ago today was the day my entire life fell to pieces.  It was the day I got the text message saying you were gone.  I already knew something was up.  Then panic attack I had last Tuesday was too intense for everything to be ok.  But the confirmation on Wednesday that it was my worst nightmare was awful.  I thought it was the worst day of my entire life.  Now I'm not so sure.  There are a lot of "worst days" now.

People are starting to tell me it's time to return to my life.  And quit wallowing in sadness.  I know that it's my fault baby, because we never told them all you were my soulmate.  But it's HARD hearing that.  YOU were my future.  Without you, I'm so empty.  What life am I supposed to be returning to?  I'm trying to be ok for Elliott.  But really I just want to fall to pieces and never stop.

I have an appointment today at 2 to talk to a behavioral specialist.  I have no idea what to expect.  I just know I miss you.  And this pain is so intense.

You were right, babe.  I talk to a bunch of sick freaks online.  People are already asking me when I'll be ready for another relationship.  I thought these people were my friends.  Why aren't they giving me time to grieve you first?  They think it's funny when  I say I might be ready in a year.  But baby, how do I move on when I had my soulmate?  And he's gone.

I'm so needy right now, baby.  I'm basically begging for reassurance that I was the one you chose.  I'm struggling so much with the fact that SHE keeps signing your guestbook and saying how much she loves and misses you.  I believed you when you said you guys were just friends now.  And friends assure me I was the one you loved, but man, it's hard.  It's hard seeing someone else say how much they love the love of MY life.  And to imply that they feel the same way without you that I do.  You were MINE Christopher!!  You gave your heart to me.  You promised a life with ME!  I have your stuff all over my house, still waiting for you to come back.  I met your friends, I met your family.  I slept curled up against you.  I know she did none of those things.  But why is she still doing this?  I think maybe she doesn't know about me, and that hurts.  But I have to let it go.  And rest in the fact that I was your choice.  And your friends all agree.  You loved ME.  You wanted to spend your life with ME.  You were going to marry ME.  And that's enough.  Because I feel the exact same way about you.  You still have my heart.  I still love you more than ever.  I still want a life with you, even though I can't have it.

Baby, I miss you and I need you.  I keep telling everyone I'm not ok.  But I don't know how to describe it any more than that.  How am I supposed to be ok, when my entire world came crashing down around me?   How am I supposed to be ok, knowing that the man I promised to spend my life with is gone?  It kills me that we never officially got engaged.  You asked me four times, but always said it wasn't official yet.  That kills me.  Because now I never get to be your wife, or even your fiance.  And when I say my boyfriend died suddenly, that's somehow something I'm supposed to recover from quickly, where a fiance or spouse is allowed to take all the time they need.  I need time, too.  You were mine in every way that mattered baby.  Just not legally.

I love you so much that it hurts.

Carla

A Week Without You

Dear Christopher,

It's 7 am and I've been up for an hour.  I actually slept about 6 hours during the night last night.  You know what am accomplishment that would have been for me, even before. I guess I don't care if I have nightmares when I sleep now, because I'm already living one I can't wake up from.  Gosh, this is so hard. I miss you so much.  And I NEED you so much.

I've been listening to the song "Goodbyes" by 3 Doors Down a lot lately.  It was an accident the first time.  I was just listening to 3 Doors Down because it reminded me of you.  Remember listening to it in Chicago?  It was one of the only bands you liked on my phone, so we listened to the entire album twice.   Now I just listen to the one song, because it's perfect.  "I look ahead, but can't move on.  I look back but I can't stay.  And I keep trying to be strong, but this pain, it won't go away.  I hope this will heal in time.  Cause I can't go on like this. Right now I would give my life for one last kiss."

People ask me whether I'm going home for Christmas.  To be honest, I can barely focus on today.  The idea of celebrating Christmas anywhere without you is more than I can comprehend.  We were supposed to be announcing our relationship to everyone at Christmas.  We were supposed to be telling people how in love we were.  And how we were planning on getting married.  And instead I'll still be trying to wrap my head around the fact that we will never be able to get married.  I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, baby.  But this is hard.  I don't know how to do this without you. I love you so much.  I would give anything to be with you right now.

I'm trying so hard to be strong, baby.  But I don't know if I'm strong enough. Everything is so hard.  And I'm so tired. I keep putting on a brave face.  But I'm so empty inside without you.  I go to the doctor Wednesday.  I have no idea what to expect.  I guess I might try grief counseling, too.  I don't even want to get better.  But I know I have to.  Elliott is going to save my life.  Even if I'm not sure I want to live.  I have to for him.

I think the hardest part is just how little time I got with you.  113 days.  You weren't even mine for a full 4 months.  And now you're gone.  I remember telling you once I had never had a relationship that lasted more than 4.5 months without getting engaged.  You promised ours would.  You were wrong baby.  I was actually planning on taking you out and having a silly celebration when we hit the 4.5 month mark next month.  And telling you I guess we made it, since we weren't officially engaged.

The fact we never officially got engaged is hard for me, too, baby.  You asked me to marry you 4 times.  But always said the official engagement would come later.  I told you yes, and meant it every single time.  Like I told J, even when we were broken up, I always just KNEW we would get back together, and get married.  I couldn't imagine a life without you in it.  You're the other piece of me.  I still can't imagine a life without you. But I have to live it.

I love you, Christopher. I can't believe it's been a week since you left me.  You were so amazing, baby.  You were probably the bravest, strongest person I've ever met.  I know your life was incredibly difficult, but you tried so hard.  I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you more than I did.  I hope you always knew how hard I tried.  And I hope you always knew that I would have never ever given up on you.  No matter what.

I love you so much, baby.

Carla