Dearest Christopher,
Good morning handsome. I miss you. I have my first real therapy appointment today. I'm pretty nervous. I hope it will help. I need to talk to someone. I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry. I can't believe you did this to us! I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general. Because this really really sucks. I want you to come home!!
Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again. I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you. I hate that babe. I could not stop crying. How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe. I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher. This is so unfair. You were way too young to die and leave me here alone. And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already. How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??
I know our relationship was far from perfect. But I never wanted a perfect relationship. I wanted a real one, and I had that with you. Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together. When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you. And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either. But now I'm forced to live mine without you. And I just don't know how to do it.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Monday, November 30, 2015
Three Weeks Without You
Dearest Christopher,
Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath. I still don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be ok yet. Will I ever be ok again? Some days I think I might be. Other days I'm sure I won't be. I just miss you so much. I hurt all the time. I fake smiles and I laugh. But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes. Like in the one picture that everyone else likes. But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy. You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you. I'm still in love with you. But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy. I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you. And that you loved me back. But I'm so sad because it's over. I never wanted it to end.
I start grief counseling in two days. I hope it goes well. I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen. I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense. But they don't. And they never will. Because you aren't here. And you made sense. You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing. You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life. I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again. I didn't lie. I was there for the rest of your life. But why can't you be here for mine?? Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32?? Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else. But I don't want anyone else. I want YOU. And you left me!!
I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs. For months now that's been you. I can't go to sleep without thinking about you. And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare. And I can't wake up from it. You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time. It made me happy because I thought about you all the time, too. I still do. But now it makes me sad. Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here. I don't really blame you. I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope. I love you so much. I would have done anything for you. Anything at all. I hope you always knew that.
I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week. How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you? How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy? I just want you back. The pain I feel is unbearable. It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you. And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long. This is absolutely unbearable. I don't know how to live with this pain. All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby. I miss you so much. You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about. What do I do now? Who do I turn to? The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.
I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone. I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me. But I think it made things harder. I KNOW you still loved me. But I was so scared and hurt that last week. I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though. I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone. It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died. I hope you still know that it's true.
I love you so much baby
Carla
Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath. I still don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be ok yet. Will I ever be ok again? Some days I think I might be. Other days I'm sure I won't be. I just miss you so much. I hurt all the time. I fake smiles and I laugh. But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes. Like in the one picture that everyone else likes. But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy. You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you. I'm still in love with you. But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy. I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you. And that you loved me back. But I'm so sad because it's over. I never wanted it to end.
I start grief counseling in two days. I hope it goes well. I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen. I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense. But they don't. And they never will. Because you aren't here. And you made sense. You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing. You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life. I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again. I didn't lie. I was there for the rest of your life. But why can't you be here for mine?? Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32?? Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else. But I don't want anyone else. I want YOU. And you left me!!
I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs. For months now that's been you. I can't go to sleep without thinking about you. And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare. And I can't wake up from it. You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time. It made me happy because I thought about you all the time, too. I still do. But now it makes me sad. Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here. I don't really blame you. I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope. I love you so much. I would have done anything for you. Anything at all. I hope you always knew that.
I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week. How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you? How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy? I just want you back. The pain I feel is unbearable. It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you. And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long. This is absolutely unbearable. I don't know how to live with this pain. All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby. I miss you so much. You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about. What do I do now? Who do I turn to? The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.
I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone. I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me. But I think it made things harder. I KNOW you still loved me. But I was so scared and hurt that last week. I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though. I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone. It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died. I hope you still know that it's true.
I love you so much baby
Carla
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Sundays Are Awful
Dearest Christopher,
Sundays are hard. I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send. But it's still hard. 3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me. I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again. I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could. Just listening to you. I miss you so much baby. I need you here with me.
I love you Chris. I love you so very much. I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted. I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it. Why are you making me??? I was sure we would be together forever. I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine. And that sucks. It's unfair. I love you. And I want you here with me. I'm sorry if that makes me selfish. But I miss you. And I need you. I don't know who I even am without you.
Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done. When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok. I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me. If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me. But you never chose her, did you? You chose me. I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to. I was the one you promised to spend your life with. And I want to say thank you for that. But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you. It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile. Waking up next to you was amazing. Waking up alone is awful.
I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you. They say they're worried that I'm not myself. I don't even know who I am. How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me. I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok. I just miss you so much. I'd do almost anything to feel better again.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Sundays are hard. I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send. But it's still hard. 3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me. I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again. I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could. Just listening to you. I miss you so much baby. I need you here with me.
I love you Chris. I love you so very much. I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted. I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it. Why are you making me??? I was sure we would be together forever. I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine. And that sucks. It's unfair. I love you. And I want you here with me. I'm sorry if that makes me selfish. But I miss you. And I need you. I don't know who I even am without you.
Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done. When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok. I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me. If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me. But you never chose her, did you? You chose me. I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to. I was the one you promised to spend your life with. And I want to say thank you for that. But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you. It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile. Waking up next to you was amazing. Waking up alone is awful.
I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you. They say they're worried that I'm not myself. I don't even know who I am. How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me. I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok. I just miss you so much. I'd do almost anything to feel better again.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Saturday, November 28, 2015
it's So Hard Without You
Dearest Christopher,
I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone. Your sister once said it was hard to love you. It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now. It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore. You were mine. You belonged with me. And you took so much of me when you left. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house. And I'm still terrified about leaving my house. I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it. I don't even want to do those things really. I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie. But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house. And that's scary.
I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday. I'm really nervous, but I know I need it. I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it. And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time. I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much and I always did.
It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out. Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year. I hate it that it won't be there. I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year. But I can't, because of Elliott. Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.
I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.
Carla
I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone. Your sister once said it was hard to love you. It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now. It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore. You were mine. You belonged with me. And you took so much of me when you left. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house. And I'm still terrified about leaving my house. I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it. I don't even want to do those things really. I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie. But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house. And that's scary.
I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday. I'm really nervous, but I know I need it. I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it. And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time. I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much and I always did.
It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out. Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year. I hate it that it won't be there. I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year. But I can't, because of Elliott. Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.
I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.
Carla
Friday, November 27, 2015
Black Friday
Dearest Christopher,
I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was. Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping. I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg. You said it might even be fun.
I'm at home. And I can't even seem to do it online. Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now. And I have to do this. Without you. You treated me too well. You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do. Until the 9th, when you left me. Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do. Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.
I put on this happy face every single day. I don't want people to worry about me. But inside I feel so dead. I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard. I miss you. I miss being happy. People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now. They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.
I just miss you. And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day. But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.
Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.
Carla
I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was. Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping. I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg. You said it might even be fun.
I'm at home. And I can't even seem to do it online. Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now. And I have to do this. Without you. You treated me too well. You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do. Until the 9th, when you left me. Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do. Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.
I put on this happy face every single day. I don't want people to worry about me. But inside I feel so dead. I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard. I miss you. I miss being happy. People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now. They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.
I just miss you. And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day. But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.
Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.
Carla
Monday, November 16, 2015
A Week Without You
Dear Christopher,
It's 7 am and I've been up for an hour. I actually slept about 6 hours during the night last night. You know what am accomplishment that would have been for me, even before. I guess I don't care if I have nightmares when I sleep now, because I'm already living one I can't wake up from. Gosh, this is so hard. I miss you so much. And I NEED you so much.
I've been listening to the song "Goodbyes" by 3 Doors Down a lot lately. It was an accident the first time. I was just listening to 3 Doors Down because it reminded me of you. Remember listening to it in Chicago? It was one of the only bands you liked on my phone, so we listened to the entire album twice. Now I just listen to the one song, because it's perfect. "I look ahead, but can't move on. I look back but I can't stay. And I keep trying to be strong, but this pain, it won't go away. I hope this will heal in time. Cause I can't go on like this. Right now I would give my life for one last kiss."
People ask me whether I'm going home for Christmas. To be honest, I can barely focus on today. The idea of celebrating Christmas anywhere without you is more than I can comprehend. We were supposed to be announcing our relationship to everyone at Christmas. We were supposed to be telling people how in love we were. And how we were planning on getting married. And instead I'll still be trying to wrap my head around the fact that we will never be able to get married. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, baby. But this is hard. I don't know how to do this without you. I love you so much. I would give anything to be with you right now.
I'm trying so hard to be strong, baby. But I don't know if I'm strong enough. Everything is so hard. And I'm so tired. I keep putting on a brave face. But I'm so empty inside without you. I go to the doctor Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect. I guess I might try grief counseling, too. I don't even want to get better. But I know I have to. Elliott is going to save my life. Even if I'm not sure I want to live. I have to for him.
I think the hardest part is just how little time I got with you. 113 days. You weren't even mine for a full 4 months. And now you're gone. I remember telling you once I had never had a relationship that lasted more than 4.5 months without getting engaged. You promised ours would. You were wrong baby. I was actually planning on taking you out and having a silly celebration when we hit the 4.5 month mark next month. And telling you I guess we made it, since we weren't officially engaged.
The fact we never officially got engaged is hard for me, too, baby. You asked me to marry you 4 times. But always said the official engagement would come later. I told you yes, and meant it every single time. Like I told J, even when we were broken up, I always just KNEW we would get back together, and get married. I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. You're the other piece of me. I still can't imagine a life without you. But I have to live it.
I love you, Christopher. I can't believe it's been a week since you left me. You were so amazing, baby. You were probably the bravest, strongest person I've ever met. I know your life was incredibly difficult, but you tried so hard. I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you more than I did. I hope you always knew how hard I tried. And I hope you always knew that I would have never ever given up on you. No matter what.
I love you so much, baby.
Carla
It's 7 am and I've been up for an hour. I actually slept about 6 hours during the night last night. You know what am accomplishment that would have been for me, even before. I guess I don't care if I have nightmares when I sleep now, because I'm already living one I can't wake up from. Gosh, this is so hard. I miss you so much. And I NEED you so much.
I've been listening to the song "Goodbyes" by 3 Doors Down a lot lately. It was an accident the first time. I was just listening to 3 Doors Down because it reminded me of you. Remember listening to it in Chicago? It was one of the only bands you liked on my phone, so we listened to the entire album twice. Now I just listen to the one song, because it's perfect. "I look ahead, but can't move on. I look back but I can't stay. And I keep trying to be strong, but this pain, it won't go away. I hope this will heal in time. Cause I can't go on like this. Right now I would give my life for one last kiss."
People ask me whether I'm going home for Christmas. To be honest, I can barely focus on today. The idea of celebrating Christmas anywhere without you is more than I can comprehend. We were supposed to be announcing our relationship to everyone at Christmas. We were supposed to be telling people how in love we were. And how we were planning on getting married. And instead I'll still be trying to wrap my head around the fact that we will never be able to get married. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, baby. But this is hard. I don't know how to do this without you. I love you so much. I would give anything to be with you right now.
I'm trying so hard to be strong, baby. But I don't know if I'm strong enough. Everything is so hard. And I'm so tired. I keep putting on a brave face. But I'm so empty inside without you. I go to the doctor Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect. I guess I might try grief counseling, too. I don't even want to get better. But I know I have to. Elliott is going to save my life. Even if I'm not sure I want to live. I have to for him.
I think the hardest part is just how little time I got with you. 113 days. You weren't even mine for a full 4 months. And now you're gone. I remember telling you once I had never had a relationship that lasted more than 4.5 months without getting engaged. You promised ours would. You were wrong baby. I was actually planning on taking you out and having a silly celebration when we hit the 4.5 month mark next month. And telling you I guess we made it, since we weren't officially engaged.
The fact we never officially got engaged is hard for me, too, baby. You asked me to marry you 4 times. But always said the official engagement would come later. I told you yes, and meant it every single time. Like I told J, even when we were broken up, I always just KNEW we would get back together, and get married. I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. You're the other piece of me. I still can't imagine a life without you. But I have to live it.
I love you, Christopher. I can't believe it's been a week since you left me. You were so amazing, baby. You were probably the bravest, strongest person I've ever met. I know your life was incredibly difficult, but you tried so hard. I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you more than I did. I hope you always knew how hard I tried. And I hope you always knew that I would have never ever given up on you. No matter what.
I love you so much, baby.
Carla
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