Monday, November 16, 2015

A Week Without You

Dear Christopher,

It's 7 am and I've been up for an hour.  I actually slept about 6 hours during the night last night.  You know what am accomplishment that would have been for me, even before. I guess I don't care if I have nightmares when I sleep now, because I'm already living one I can't wake up from.  Gosh, this is so hard. I miss you so much.  And I NEED you so much.

I've been listening to the song "Goodbyes" by 3 Doors Down a lot lately.  It was an accident the first time.  I was just listening to 3 Doors Down because it reminded me of you.  Remember listening to it in Chicago?  It was one of the only bands you liked on my phone, so we listened to the entire album twice.   Now I just listen to the one song, because it's perfect.  "I look ahead, but can't move on.  I look back but I can't stay.  And I keep trying to be strong, but this pain, it won't go away.  I hope this will heal in time.  Cause I can't go on like this. Right now I would give my life for one last kiss."

People ask me whether I'm going home for Christmas.  To be honest, I can barely focus on today.  The idea of celebrating Christmas anywhere without you is more than I can comprehend.  We were supposed to be announcing our relationship to everyone at Christmas.  We were supposed to be telling people how in love we were.  And how we were planning on getting married.  And instead I'll still be trying to wrap my head around the fact that we will never be able to get married.  I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, baby.  But this is hard.  I don't know how to do this without you. I love you so much.  I would give anything to be with you right now.

I'm trying so hard to be strong, baby.  But I don't know if I'm strong enough. Everything is so hard.  And I'm so tired. I keep putting on a brave face.  But I'm so empty inside without you.  I go to the doctor Wednesday.  I have no idea what to expect.  I guess I might try grief counseling, too.  I don't even want to get better.  But I know I have to.  Elliott is going to save my life.  Even if I'm not sure I want to live.  I have to for him.

I think the hardest part is just how little time I got with you.  113 days.  You weren't even mine for a full 4 months.  And now you're gone.  I remember telling you once I had never had a relationship that lasted more than 4.5 months without getting engaged.  You promised ours would.  You were wrong baby.  I was actually planning on taking you out and having a silly celebration when we hit the 4.5 month mark next month.  And telling you I guess we made it, since we weren't officially engaged.

The fact we never officially got engaged is hard for me, too, baby.  You asked me to marry you 4 times.  But always said the official engagement would come later.  I told you yes, and meant it every single time.  Like I told J, even when we were broken up, I always just KNEW we would get back together, and get married.  I couldn't imagine a life without you in it.  You're the other piece of me.  I still can't imagine a life without you. But I have to live it.

I love you, Christopher. I can't believe it's been a week since you left me.  You were so amazing, baby.  You were probably the bravest, strongest person I've ever met.  I know your life was incredibly difficult, but you tried so hard.  I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you more than I did.  I hope you always knew how hard I tried.  And I hope you always knew that I would have never ever given up on you.  No matter what.

I love you so much, baby.

Carla

No comments:

Post a Comment