Dearest Christopher,
It's almost 4 am and I can't sleep. I miss you so much and I can't stop crying. I wonder if the pain will ever go away. I don't think it ever will. As long as I'm alive, I'll love and miss you. I don't know how to live without you. But I'm trying, baby. Believe me, I'm trying.
I've been on pinterest looking at quotes. I know you thought I spent too much time looking at quotes but sometimes it makes me feel better to realize that other people are going through what I'm going through. I know there are a lot of sad people out there. And I'm sad for them. But I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
Ironically I read a quote at 3:41 (4:41 in Michigan) that said "It's 4:41 am, I wish I was pressed against your chest listening to your heartbeat instead of the rain." And that's the kind of thing I would have sent you while you were alive. Because I missed you so much anytime we were apart. But now that you're gone, it's even more meaningful. I would give up almost anything to be in your arms right now.
I miss you so much that it physically hurts me baby. I don't know to do this. I know I say that a lot. But it's true. I miss you. And I need you. I love you so much. I don't ever want to stop loving you, but I wish it would become less painful.
Every single day I think of something else I should have tried to save you. And every day I realize that I didn't try hard enough to save you. I hope you realized that I was doing the best I knew how to do though. I love you. And if love alone would have been enough, you'd still be here. My love for you is strong, deep, and complete. You used to say it was scary. It wasn't when you were alive. But sometimes it is now. Because you aren't here. And it feels like there's nowhere for it to go.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Showing posts with label love of my life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love of my life. Show all posts
Friday, December 4, 2015
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Finally A Smile
Dearest Christopher,
This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always. But this morning there was a smile on my face. I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone. But I was smiling at some of my memories of you. The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it! I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha. It's always been one of my favorite memories. We were both so happy. It was the first night I was in Michigan.
Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary. I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me. But we were supposed to celebrate it. Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me. That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do. What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change. I will still love you forever.
Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret. Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And living without you sucks. When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep. But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time. And I always knew you would come back to me. You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me. And I always believed it was true. I was the best thing that ever happened to you. And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too. But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me. I still don't know how to survive.
I love you and I miss you so much
Carla
This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always. But this morning there was a smile on my face. I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone. But I was smiling at some of my memories of you. The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it! I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha. It's always been one of my favorite memories. We were both so happy. It was the first night I was in Michigan.
Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary. I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me. But we were supposed to celebrate it. Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me. That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do. What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change. I will still love you forever.
Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret. Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And living without you sucks. When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep. But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time. And I always knew you would come back to me. You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me. And I always believed it was true. I was the best thing that ever happened to you. And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too. But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me. I still don't know how to survive.
I love you and I miss you so much
Carla
Monday, November 30, 2015
Three Weeks Without You
Dearest Christopher,
Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath. I still don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be ok yet. Will I ever be ok again? Some days I think I might be. Other days I'm sure I won't be. I just miss you so much. I hurt all the time. I fake smiles and I laugh. But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes. Like in the one picture that everyone else likes. But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy. You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you. I'm still in love with you. But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy. I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you. And that you loved me back. But I'm so sad because it's over. I never wanted it to end.
I start grief counseling in two days. I hope it goes well. I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen. I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense. But they don't. And they never will. Because you aren't here. And you made sense. You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing. You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life. I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again. I didn't lie. I was there for the rest of your life. But why can't you be here for mine?? Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32?? Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else. But I don't want anyone else. I want YOU. And you left me!!
I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs. For months now that's been you. I can't go to sleep without thinking about you. And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare. And I can't wake up from it. You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time. It made me happy because I thought about you all the time, too. I still do. But now it makes me sad. Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here. I don't really blame you. I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope. I love you so much. I would have done anything for you. Anything at all. I hope you always knew that.
I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week. How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you? How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy? I just want you back. The pain I feel is unbearable. It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you. And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long. This is absolutely unbearable. I don't know how to live with this pain. All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby. I miss you so much. You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about. What do I do now? Who do I turn to? The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.
I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone. I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me. But I think it made things harder. I KNOW you still loved me. But I was so scared and hurt that last week. I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though. I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone. It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died. I hope you still know that it's true.
I love you so much baby
Carla
Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath. I still don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be ok yet. Will I ever be ok again? Some days I think I might be. Other days I'm sure I won't be. I just miss you so much. I hurt all the time. I fake smiles and I laugh. But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes. Like in the one picture that everyone else likes. But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy. You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you. I'm still in love with you. But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy. I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you. And that you loved me back. But I'm so sad because it's over. I never wanted it to end.
I start grief counseling in two days. I hope it goes well. I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen. I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense. But they don't. And they never will. Because you aren't here. And you made sense. You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing. You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life. I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again. I didn't lie. I was there for the rest of your life. But why can't you be here for mine?? Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32?? Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else. But I don't want anyone else. I want YOU. And you left me!!
I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs. For months now that's been you. I can't go to sleep without thinking about you. And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare. And I can't wake up from it. You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time. It made me happy because I thought about you all the time, too. I still do. But now it makes me sad. Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here. I don't really blame you. I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope. I love you so much. I would have done anything for you. Anything at all. I hope you always knew that.
I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week. How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you? How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy? I just want you back. The pain I feel is unbearable. It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you. And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long. This is absolutely unbearable. I don't know how to live with this pain. All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby. I miss you so much. You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about. What do I do now? Who do I turn to? The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.
I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone. I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me. But I think it made things harder. I KNOW you still loved me. But I was so scared and hurt that last week. I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though. I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone. It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died. I hope you still know that it's true.
I love you so much baby
Carla
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
You're My Best Friend
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning baby. I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself. And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse. You belong here with me. And I miss you. You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.
I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard. You're still the only friend I want to talk to. Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California. She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you. I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel. But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried. She had a lovely post about him on Facebook. I cried like a baby. Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard. I just want you back baby. But I know I can't have you.
You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to. But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would. I just want to be held by you. I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping. I miss you so much.
I love you and miss you so much it hurts.
Carla
Good morning baby. I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself. And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse. You belong here with me. And I miss you. You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.
I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard. You're still the only friend I want to talk to. Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California. She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you. I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel. But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried. She had a lovely post about him on Facebook. I cried like a baby. Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard. I just want you back baby. But I know I can't have you.
You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to. But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would. I just want to be held by you. I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping. I miss you so much.
I love you and miss you so much it hurts.
Carla
Monday, November 23, 2015
Two Weeks
Dear Christopher,
Mornings are definitely the hardest part of the day these days. Waking up without you is terrible. I woke up because of a text message this morning, but of course it wasn't you. So I cried. I would give anything to wake up next to you one more time babe. I miss you and love you so much.
I sent you a message once that said in French they don't say I miss you, they say you're missing from me. At the time I meant because you were a thousand miles away. Now you really are missing from me. And I struggle to handle that. I am so in love with you.
It's been two weeks since you died. The two most awful weeks in my existence. I told you before I had been through some rough stuff. And you know I had. But none of that was anything like this.
People are ready for me to move on. Guys are asking me out again. I just want friends, though, baby. But I need someone. Besides Elliott, Jon was the last one to really hug me. And that was over a week ago. I needed to be hugged. You always thought it was weird how much physical touch I needed. I need it even more now. Just a long hug.
It's almost thanksgiving. I'm trying to remember to be thankful for everything I have. But the grief for everything I lost is intense. I miss you. I miss the plans I had with you for the future. I miss everything about you. If I could have you back, I'd do anything in my power to keep you with me forever. I love you so much.
I talked to your mom a little yesterday. She's struggling of course. I wish I could do something to help her. I'm praying for her though. As bad as this is for me, I can't imagine how it is for her.
I love you more than I ever thought possible.
Carla
Mornings are definitely the hardest part of the day these days. Waking up without you is terrible. I woke up because of a text message this morning, but of course it wasn't you. So I cried. I would give anything to wake up next to you one more time babe. I miss you and love you so much.
I sent you a message once that said in French they don't say I miss you, they say you're missing from me. At the time I meant because you were a thousand miles away. Now you really are missing from me. And I struggle to handle that. I am so in love with you.
It's been two weeks since you died. The two most awful weeks in my existence. I told you before I had been through some rough stuff. And you know I had. But none of that was anything like this.
People are ready for me to move on. Guys are asking me out again. I just want friends, though, baby. But I need someone. Besides Elliott, Jon was the last one to really hug me. And that was over a week ago. I needed to be hugged. You always thought it was weird how much physical touch I needed. I need it even more now. Just a long hug.
It's almost thanksgiving. I'm trying to remember to be thankful for everything I have. But the grief for everything I lost is intense. I miss you. I miss the plans I had with you for the future. I miss everything about you. If I could have you back, I'd do anything in my power to keep you with me forever. I love you so much.
I talked to your mom a little yesterday. She's struggling of course. I wish I could do something to help her. I'm praying for her though. As bad as this is for me, I can't imagine how it is for her.
I love you more than I ever thought possible.
Carla
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Thank You
Dearest Christopher,
I miss you so much. I haven't actually been crying when I woke up the last three mornings, but the weight in my chest is heavy. You're still my first thought in the morning and my last one at night. I love you. I'm still not sure how to accept that you're not coming back to me. From the first time I saw you in person, I knew I belonged to you. It was always you, Chris. Always. No matter how hard things were. No matter how much you pushed me away. You were always my choice.
Last night I was able to talk about you without crying the entire time. I'm working hard on that. I know I'll always be sad because of the way you left me. I know we were supposed to be together. But I'm working on smiling more and crying less when I think of you. You were amazing. You were strong. You were brave. And you were mine. I have many wonderful memories of you. Laughing and talking, cuddling, driving around. I think what I miss the most is the way you looked when you were sleepy but trying to stay awake because I wouldn't shut up.
I know you weren't perfect. And to be honest, I was an awful girlfriend sometimes. But we were perfect together. We were just exactly right and what the other one needed.
Thank you so much for coming into my life. Thank you for teaching me so many valuable lessons. Thank you for showing me how to trust again. Thank you for everything.
I love you so much that I don't know how to live without you. But I'm trying, baby. I'm trying.
Carla
I miss you so much. I haven't actually been crying when I woke up the last three mornings, but the weight in my chest is heavy. You're still my first thought in the morning and my last one at night. I love you. I'm still not sure how to accept that you're not coming back to me. From the first time I saw you in person, I knew I belonged to you. It was always you, Chris. Always. No matter how hard things were. No matter how much you pushed me away. You were always my choice.
Last night I was able to talk about you without crying the entire time. I'm working hard on that. I know I'll always be sad because of the way you left me. I know we were supposed to be together. But I'm working on smiling more and crying less when I think of you. You were amazing. You were strong. You were brave. And you were mine. I have many wonderful memories of you. Laughing and talking, cuddling, driving around. I think what I miss the most is the way you looked when you were sleepy but trying to stay awake because I wouldn't shut up.
I know you weren't perfect. And to be honest, I was an awful girlfriend sometimes. But we were perfect together. We were just exactly right and what the other one needed.
Thank you so much for coming into my life. Thank you for teaching me so many valuable lessons. Thank you for showing me how to trust again. Thank you for everything.
I love you so much that I don't know how to live without you. But I'm trying, baby. I'm trying.
Carla
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Lonely and Sad
Dearest Christopher,
I woke up not crying again this morning. And I even slept through the night last night. I think I slept about 9.5 hours, and only woke up when Elliott woke me up. Of course it didn't take long for me to start crying, because I still miss you so much. But sleeping without tears feels nice. But then I almost feel guilty for not missing you while I sleep. I know that's insane. And you wouldn't want me to cry for you. And you would want me to be ok again. But it's just so hard.
I can't seem to fully accept you aren't coming back to me. We belong together. And I miss you. I always missed you when we were apart. I was always thinking about you. You were always the first thought on my mind in the morning, and the last one on my mind at night. And that brought me comfort. Because you said I was your first and last thought, too. But now you're gone. And you're still my first and last thought. But I can't text you or call you to tell you about it. I just write letters, but of course you can't write back.
I can now see your smile sometimes when I close my eyes. It is so much better. I can almost hear your laugh. I'm so worried about losing the ability to remember how you sounded though. I don't have a single recording of the way you sound, and that hurts. I miss your voice so much. You always said I was crazy, but I always loved your voice, and your laugh, even when we were just friends. It was such a beautiful sound.
I feel so lonely and scared without you here. The forums help, but they all talk about their friends hugging them and listening to them. You were the one I relied on for that kind of support. I don't have anyone else. Carl is there to listen to me and tell me he loves me anyway. But I need to be held. And I don't have that. And I know that if I had lost anyone else you would have been on the first train to me if you weren't already with me, no matter what. But I don't have anyone else like that. I feel so alone.
I've been trying to get into a grief counselor. But haven't had luck with that. That sucks. Because I think I could use it. But I've called twice and so far I've not had a return call. That's rough baby. It's hard to force myself to do anything right now. The grief is still so overwhelming. Some minutes I almost feel ok, but then it all comes crashing back. And I can't stop crying again. I'm beginning to think my eyes are going to be permanently swollen.
I miss you baby. I would give almost anything to have you here with me right now. I know you were in pain, but I wanted to help you. I get that maybe that's selfish. But I wanted you to feel better for you, too. I just wanted to have a long life with you. I'm so sad that I have to live the rest of my life without you. It's so unfair.
I love you with everything in me
Carla
I woke up not crying again this morning. And I even slept through the night last night. I think I slept about 9.5 hours, and only woke up when Elliott woke me up. Of course it didn't take long for me to start crying, because I still miss you so much. But sleeping without tears feels nice. But then I almost feel guilty for not missing you while I sleep. I know that's insane. And you wouldn't want me to cry for you. And you would want me to be ok again. But it's just so hard.
I can't seem to fully accept you aren't coming back to me. We belong together. And I miss you. I always missed you when we were apart. I was always thinking about you. You were always the first thought on my mind in the morning, and the last one on my mind at night. And that brought me comfort. Because you said I was your first and last thought, too. But now you're gone. And you're still my first and last thought. But I can't text you or call you to tell you about it. I just write letters, but of course you can't write back.
I can now see your smile sometimes when I close my eyes. It is so much better. I can almost hear your laugh. I'm so worried about losing the ability to remember how you sounded though. I don't have a single recording of the way you sound, and that hurts. I miss your voice so much. You always said I was crazy, but I always loved your voice, and your laugh, even when we were just friends. It was such a beautiful sound.
I feel so lonely and scared without you here. The forums help, but they all talk about their friends hugging them and listening to them. You were the one I relied on for that kind of support. I don't have anyone else. Carl is there to listen to me and tell me he loves me anyway. But I need to be held. And I don't have that. And I know that if I had lost anyone else you would have been on the first train to me if you weren't already with me, no matter what. But I don't have anyone else like that. I feel so alone.
I've been trying to get into a grief counselor. But haven't had luck with that. That sucks. Because I think I could use it. But I've called twice and so far I've not had a return call. That's rough baby. It's hard to force myself to do anything right now. The grief is still so overwhelming. Some minutes I almost feel ok, but then it all comes crashing back. And I can't stop crying again. I'm beginning to think my eyes are going to be permanently swollen.
I miss you baby. I would give almost anything to have you here with me right now. I know you were in pain, but I wanted to help you. I get that maybe that's selfish. But I wanted you to feel better for you, too. I just wanted to have a long life with you. I'm so sad that I have to live the rest of my life without you. It's so unfair.
I love you with everything in me
Carla
Friday, November 20, 2015
So Much Anger
Dear Christopher,
One week ago today I was sitting in a coffee shop with Jon. I was trying not to cry while we talked about you. We were both still struggling to come to terms with everything. It was so weird being with Jon without you there. You should have been there with us baby. But instead we were talking about your memorial.
Today, for the first time since I found out, I woke up and wasn't crying. In my dream, I was actually able to read your text message. It didn't make sense, but I could read it. That's an improvement.
I spent a lot of time yesterday talking to people on a forum. I think it was good for me. These people understand a little bit more about what I'm going through. I'm so sad that they do. But it's comforting, too.
Baby, I am so angry at everyone. It took me completely by surprise. I'm angry at you for hurting Elliott, but I can't seem to be angry at you for hurting me, even though people say that's coming. I'm mainly angry at people I really have no business being angry at. And I would never voice it to them, because I get that I'm being irrational. But I just have so much anger inside right now. I'm so angry at people who got to marry their soulmates. I'm so jealous. I wanted that too! And I don't get to. I'm so angry at people who say they understand my pain, when they really have no idea. I want to lash out at them, but I know they're trying to help, so I just say thanks. But comparing the loss of a friend to the loss of my soulmate isn't fair. I really wanna scream and say "Did you sit in your dead "friend's" bathroom and cry until you hyperventilated when you started your period, because you realized you could never have his baby?? Because I did. Do you wake up so cold your teeth are chattering, and reach for the person who is supposed to be sleeping next to you, only to remember he's not there? Because I do. Please don't tell me you understand unless you've lost the love of your life, the person you were supposed to spend your life with."
I don't sleep in my bed. You're supposed to be there with me. I sleep on the couch. Or in the recliner. I know eventually I'm going to have to go back to sleeping in my bed. And maybe eventually the memories of you there will bring me comfort. But for now, they just hurt. I tried Sunday afternoon, but I haven't been back since then. In fact I don't think I've even stepped into the room since then. I still haven't figured out how to face it. Even on the couch I wake up reaching for you, trying to get closer to your warmth. Only to realize your warmth is gone forever.
I'm trying to move forward through this awful grief, babe. But it's hard. I want to talk to you about it. Because you are who I went to with my problems. But you aren't here. I talk to Mario about it some. And he's fairly understanding. He knows we belonged together. I've talked to your sister a little bit. But her grief is so strong, too. She misses you. And she has regrets. I'm pushing away people who didn't know you. I'm not doing it on purpose. But I make them uncomfortable. They don't know how to deal with such incredible sadness. I tried reaching out to my mom, but that went terribly wrong. I love her, but I have to accept the fact that she will just continue to make things worse. So I'm done with that for now. I miss you so much baby. I need you. There are so many things I need to tell you. And so many things I need you to tell me. I need to hold you. I need to sleep against you. But I just don't get what I need right now.
I love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love someone who wasn't my child. Thanks for giving me that. Thanks for always loving me back, too. Even when I was a total pain. I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. Thanks for allowing me to believe that some people can be trusted to love you unconditionally no matter what.
I love you so much
Carla
One week ago today I was sitting in a coffee shop with Jon. I was trying not to cry while we talked about you. We were both still struggling to come to terms with everything. It was so weird being with Jon without you there. You should have been there with us baby. But instead we were talking about your memorial.
Today, for the first time since I found out, I woke up and wasn't crying. In my dream, I was actually able to read your text message. It didn't make sense, but I could read it. That's an improvement.
I spent a lot of time yesterday talking to people on a forum. I think it was good for me. These people understand a little bit more about what I'm going through. I'm so sad that they do. But it's comforting, too.
Baby, I am so angry at everyone. It took me completely by surprise. I'm angry at you for hurting Elliott, but I can't seem to be angry at you for hurting me, even though people say that's coming. I'm mainly angry at people I really have no business being angry at. And I would never voice it to them, because I get that I'm being irrational. But I just have so much anger inside right now. I'm so angry at people who got to marry their soulmates. I'm so jealous. I wanted that too! And I don't get to. I'm so angry at people who say they understand my pain, when they really have no idea. I want to lash out at them, but I know they're trying to help, so I just say thanks. But comparing the loss of a friend to the loss of my soulmate isn't fair. I really wanna scream and say "Did you sit in your dead "friend's" bathroom and cry until you hyperventilated when you started your period, because you realized you could never have his baby?? Because I did. Do you wake up so cold your teeth are chattering, and reach for the person who is supposed to be sleeping next to you, only to remember he's not there? Because I do. Please don't tell me you understand unless you've lost the love of your life, the person you were supposed to spend your life with."
I don't sleep in my bed. You're supposed to be there with me. I sleep on the couch. Or in the recliner. I know eventually I'm going to have to go back to sleeping in my bed. And maybe eventually the memories of you there will bring me comfort. But for now, they just hurt. I tried Sunday afternoon, but I haven't been back since then. In fact I don't think I've even stepped into the room since then. I still haven't figured out how to face it. Even on the couch I wake up reaching for you, trying to get closer to your warmth. Only to realize your warmth is gone forever.
I'm trying to move forward through this awful grief, babe. But it's hard. I want to talk to you about it. Because you are who I went to with my problems. But you aren't here. I talk to Mario about it some. And he's fairly understanding. He knows we belonged together. I've talked to your sister a little bit. But her grief is so strong, too. She misses you. And she has regrets. I'm pushing away people who didn't know you. I'm not doing it on purpose. But I make them uncomfortable. They don't know how to deal with such incredible sadness. I tried reaching out to my mom, but that went terribly wrong. I love her, but I have to accept the fact that she will just continue to make things worse. So I'm done with that for now. I miss you so much baby. I need you. There are so many things I need to tell you. And so many things I need you to tell me. I need to hold you. I need to sleep against you. But I just don't get what I need right now.
I love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love someone who wasn't my child. Thanks for giving me that. Thanks for always loving me back, too. Even when I was a total pain. I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. Thanks for allowing me to believe that some people can be trusted to love you unconditionally no matter what.
I love you so much
Carla
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Your Smell
Dear Christopher,
Good morning, baby. I miss you. How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me? It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.
I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me. I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now. I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead. But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.
People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams. But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them. I would rather see your face, baby. One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was. Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Why did we do it baby? We both knew it was a mistake.
I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday. He assured me I'm normal. But also told me I should really see a grief counselor. I called and left a message with her yesterday. I actually took that step myself. Proud of me baby? You know how much I hate making appointments...
Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched. It was hard, baby. Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?
I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died. You were so young baby. I wanted you at least 32 years more. I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have. I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough. But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too. I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college. And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good. Now the picture has changed. I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.
How do I live without you babe? I know I have to. But it's so hard. I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one. And he was mine for 113 glorious days. But he's gone now, and I must live without him.
The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more. My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again. It's funny how that works. By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway. But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.
I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you. Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me. Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely. I hope you always knew that.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Good morning, baby. I miss you. How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me? It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.
I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me. I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now. I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead. But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.
People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams. But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them. I would rather see your face, baby. One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was. Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Why did we do it baby? We both knew it was a mistake.
I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday. He assured me I'm normal. But also told me I should really see a grief counselor. I called and left a message with her yesterday. I actually took that step myself. Proud of me baby? You know how much I hate making appointments...
Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched. It was hard, baby. Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?
I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died. You were so young baby. I wanted you at least 32 years more. I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have. I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough. But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too. I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college. And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good. Now the picture has changed. I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.
How do I live without you babe? I know I have to. But it's so hard. I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one. And he was mine for 113 glorious days. But he's gone now, and I must live without him.
The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more. My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again. It's funny how that works. By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway. But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.
I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you. Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me. Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely. I hope you always knew that.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
You Were Mine
Dearest Christopher,
I keep thinking "the hardest thing about this is..." but to tell the truth, the hardest thing about this is simply knowing I have to live without you. When all I want to do is see your face again. And hold you. I would give anything to be curled up against you right now. I love you so much. And it's so sad and lonely without you. I wake up crying and shaking. I go to sleep crying. I don't even realize that I'm crying as I am just sitting, thinking of nothing.
A week ago today was the day my entire life fell to pieces. It was the day I got the text message saying you were gone. I already knew something was up. Then panic attack I had last Tuesday was too intense for everything to be ok. But the confirmation on Wednesday that it was my worst nightmare was awful. I thought it was the worst day of my entire life. Now I'm not so sure. There are a lot of "worst days" now.
People are starting to tell me it's time to return to my life. And quit wallowing in sadness. I know that it's my fault baby, because we never told them all you were my soulmate. But it's HARD hearing that. YOU were my future. Without you, I'm so empty. What life am I supposed to be returning to? I'm trying to be ok for Elliott. But really I just want to fall to pieces and never stop.
I have an appointment today at 2 to talk to a behavioral specialist. I have no idea what to expect. I just know I miss you. And this pain is so intense.
You were right, babe. I talk to a bunch of sick freaks online. People are already asking me when I'll be ready for another relationship. I thought these people were my friends. Why aren't they giving me time to grieve you first? They think it's funny when I say I might be ready in a year. But baby, how do I move on when I had my soulmate? And he's gone.
I'm so needy right now, baby. I'm basically begging for reassurance that I was the one you chose. I'm struggling so much with the fact that SHE keeps signing your guestbook and saying how much she loves and misses you. I believed you when you said you guys were just friends now. And friends assure me I was the one you loved, but man, it's hard. It's hard seeing someone else say how much they love the love of MY life. And to imply that they feel the same way without you that I do. You were MINE Christopher!! You gave your heart to me. You promised a life with ME! I have your stuff all over my house, still waiting for you to come back. I met your friends, I met your family. I slept curled up against you. I know she did none of those things. But why is she still doing this? I think maybe she doesn't know about me, and that hurts. But I have to let it go. And rest in the fact that I was your choice. And your friends all agree. You loved ME. You wanted to spend your life with ME. You were going to marry ME. And that's enough. Because I feel the exact same way about you. You still have my heart. I still love you more than ever. I still want a life with you, even though I can't have it.
Baby, I miss you and I need you. I keep telling everyone I'm not ok. But I don't know how to describe it any more than that. How am I supposed to be ok, when my entire world came crashing down around me? How am I supposed to be ok, knowing that the man I promised to spend my life with is gone? It kills me that we never officially got engaged. You asked me four times, but always said it wasn't official yet. That kills me. Because now I never get to be your wife, or even your fiance. And when I say my boyfriend died suddenly, that's somehow something I'm supposed to recover from quickly, where a fiance or spouse is allowed to take all the time they need. I need time, too. You were mine in every way that mattered baby. Just not legally.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
I keep thinking "the hardest thing about this is..." but to tell the truth, the hardest thing about this is simply knowing I have to live without you. When all I want to do is see your face again. And hold you. I would give anything to be curled up against you right now. I love you so much. And it's so sad and lonely without you. I wake up crying and shaking. I go to sleep crying. I don't even realize that I'm crying as I am just sitting, thinking of nothing.
A week ago today was the day my entire life fell to pieces. It was the day I got the text message saying you were gone. I already knew something was up. Then panic attack I had last Tuesday was too intense for everything to be ok. But the confirmation on Wednesday that it was my worst nightmare was awful. I thought it was the worst day of my entire life. Now I'm not so sure. There are a lot of "worst days" now.
People are starting to tell me it's time to return to my life. And quit wallowing in sadness. I know that it's my fault baby, because we never told them all you were my soulmate. But it's HARD hearing that. YOU were my future. Without you, I'm so empty. What life am I supposed to be returning to? I'm trying to be ok for Elliott. But really I just want to fall to pieces and never stop.
I have an appointment today at 2 to talk to a behavioral specialist. I have no idea what to expect. I just know I miss you. And this pain is so intense.
You were right, babe. I talk to a bunch of sick freaks online. People are already asking me when I'll be ready for another relationship. I thought these people were my friends. Why aren't they giving me time to grieve you first? They think it's funny when I say I might be ready in a year. But baby, how do I move on when I had my soulmate? And he's gone.
I'm so needy right now, baby. I'm basically begging for reassurance that I was the one you chose. I'm struggling so much with the fact that SHE keeps signing your guestbook and saying how much she loves and misses you. I believed you when you said you guys were just friends now. And friends assure me I was the one you loved, but man, it's hard. It's hard seeing someone else say how much they love the love of MY life. And to imply that they feel the same way without you that I do. You were MINE Christopher!! You gave your heart to me. You promised a life with ME! I have your stuff all over my house, still waiting for you to come back. I met your friends, I met your family. I slept curled up against you. I know she did none of those things. But why is she still doing this? I think maybe she doesn't know about me, and that hurts. But I have to let it go. And rest in the fact that I was your choice. And your friends all agree. You loved ME. You wanted to spend your life with ME. You were going to marry ME. And that's enough. Because I feel the exact same way about you. You still have my heart. I still love you more than ever. I still want a life with you, even though I can't have it.
Baby, I miss you and I need you. I keep telling everyone I'm not ok. But I don't know how to describe it any more than that. How am I supposed to be ok, when my entire world came crashing down around me? How am I supposed to be ok, knowing that the man I promised to spend my life with is gone? It kills me that we never officially got engaged. You asked me four times, but always said it wasn't official yet. That kills me. Because now I never get to be your wife, or even your fiance. And when I say my boyfriend died suddenly, that's somehow something I'm supposed to recover from quickly, where a fiance or spouse is allowed to take all the time they need. I need time, too. You were mine in every way that mattered baby. Just not legally.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
So Cold And Alone
I wrote this one yesterday but it wouldn't publish in the morning, and then I forgot later.
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning handsome. How I miss sending you that text message every day and waiting for you to respond with "Good morning beautiful. How did you sleep?" The answer today is broken. I was up every hour or two. Reaching for you. It's so cold sleeping without you. I didn't even realize that until I was in your bed Friday night without you. Now I understand what you meant when you told me how cold it was without me when I left your house in September. I'm so cold I don't know if I'll ever be warm again.
Yesterday was a really bad day, baby. There was so much guilt and pain. We still have weeks until we get the toxicology report. And even then we won't know exactly what happened. But it might help.
J and I talked again yesterday. She said I need professional help. I already knew that, though. You knew she loved you, right? She is struggling with her own regrets. She's helping me through this though. I kinda wish she would blame me. I wish someone would. I know that's crazy. But I feel so much guilt and blame.
I love you so much baby. I would have helped you through anything if you had come to me with your problems. I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't see more. Hindsight is awful. All I ever wanted was to help you and give you a good life with me. I never wanted to fix you. You weren't broken. You were amazing just as you were. I just wanted to help you deal with stuff in a better way.
I'm still trying to figure out how to live without you. Each hour is a struggle. Sleep is a relief, but waking up alone is painful. You were much too young to die and leave me here alone. The love of your life isn't supposed to die at 32.
I keep reading things about grief. Trying to find my way through. And everything says the real pain hasn't even started yet. Baby, I feel like the pain's going to kill me already. How can I possibly get through anything worse? I'm physically sore. And I'm so exhausted.
I keep looking for a distraction. But all I want is to talk about you or what I'm going through. I'm pretty sure my friends will all leave me soon. I can't focus on anything else. But I need to work through this somehow. I'm so alone and empty.
I regret so much not taking more pictures of and with you. I know you hated your pics taken. But baby I need more. How do I scrapbook our life together with the handful of pics I have of you?
I love you so very much, with everything inside of me.
Carla
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning handsome. How I miss sending you that text message every day and waiting for you to respond with "Good morning beautiful. How did you sleep?" The answer today is broken. I was up every hour or two. Reaching for you. It's so cold sleeping without you. I didn't even realize that until I was in your bed Friday night without you. Now I understand what you meant when you told me how cold it was without me when I left your house in September. I'm so cold I don't know if I'll ever be warm again.
Yesterday was a really bad day, baby. There was so much guilt and pain. We still have weeks until we get the toxicology report. And even then we won't know exactly what happened. But it might help.
J and I talked again yesterday. She said I need professional help. I already knew that, though. You knew she loved you, right? She is struggling with her own regrets. She's helping me through this though. I kinda wish she would blame me. I wish someone would. I know that's crazy. But I feel so much guilt and blame.
I love you so much baby. I would have helped you through anything if you had come to me with your problems. I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't see more. Hindsight is awful. All I ever wanted was to help you and give you a good life with me. I never wanted to fix you. You weren't broken. You were amazing just as you were. I just wanted to help you deal with stuff in a better way.
I'm still trying to figure out how to live without you. Each hour is a struggle. Sleep is a relief, but waking up alone is painful. You were much too young to die and leave me here alone. The love of your life isn't supposed to die at 32.
I keep reading things about grief. Trying to find my way through. And everything says the real pain hasn't even started yet. Baby, I feel like the pain's going to kill me already. How can I possibly get through anything worse? I'm physically sore. And I'm so exhausted.
I keep looking for a distraction. But all I want is to talk about you or what I'm going through. I'm pretty sure my friends will all leave me soon. I can't focus on anything else. But I need to work through this somehow. I'm so alone and empty.
I regret so much not taking more pictures of and with you. I know you hated your pics taken. But baby I need more. How do I scrapbook our life together with the handful of pics I have of you?
I love you so very much, with everything inside of me.
Carla
Monday, November 16, 2015
A Week Without You
Dear Christopher,
It's 7 am and I've been up for an hour. I actually slept about 6 hours during the night last night. You know what am accomplishment that would have been for me, even before. I guess I don't care if I have nightmares when I sleep now, because I'm already living one I can't wake up from. Gosh, this is so hard. I miss you so much. And I NEED you so much.
I've been listening to the song "Goodbyes" by 3 Doors Down a lot lately. It was an accident the first time. I was just listening to 3 Doors Down because it reminded me of you. Remember listening to it in Chicago? It was one of the only bands you liked on my phone, so we listened to the entire album twice. Now I just listen to the one song, because it's perfect. "I look ahead, but can't move on. I look back but I can't stay. And I keep trying to be strong, but this pain, it won't go away. I hope this will heal in time. Cause I can't go on like this. Right now I would give my life for one last kiss."
People ask me whether I'm going home for Christmas. To be honest, I can barely focus on today. The idea of celebrating Christmas anywhere without you is more than I can comprehend. We were supposed to be announcing our relationship to everyone at Christmas. We were supposed to be telling people how in love we were. And how we were planning on getting married. And instead I'll still be trying to wrap my head around the fact that we will never be able to get married. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, baby. But this is hard. I don't know how to do this without you. I love you so much. I would give anything to be with you right now.
I'm trying so hard to be strong, baby. But I don't know if I'm strong enough. Everything is so hard. And I'm so tired. I keep putting on a brave face. But I'm so empty inside without you. I go to the doctor Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect. I guess I might try grief counseling, too. I don't even want to get better. But I know I have to. Elliott is going to save my life. Even if I'm not sure I want to live. I have to for him.
I think the hardest part is just how little time I got with you. 113 days. You weren't even mine for a full 4 months. And now you're gone. I remember telling you once I had never had a relationship that lasted more than 4.5 months without getting engaged. You promised ours would. You were wrong baby. I was actually planning on taking you out and having a silly celebration when we hit the 4.5 month mark next month. And telling you I guess we made it, since we weren't officially engaged.
The fact we never officially got engaged is hard for me, too, baby. You asked me to marry you 4 times. But always said the official engagement would come later. I told you yes, and meant it every single time. Like I told J, even when we were broken up, I always just KNEW we would get back together, and get married. I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. You're the other piece of me. I still can't imagine a life without you. But I have to live it.
I love you, Christopher. I can't believe it's been a week since you left me. You were so amazing, baby. You were probably the bravest, strongest person I've ever met. I know your life was incredibly difficult, but you tried so hard. I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you more than I did. I hope you always knew how hard I tried. And I hope you always knew that I would have never ever given up on you. No matter what.
I love you so much, baby.
Carla
It's 7 am and I've been up for an hour. I actually slept about 6 hours during the night last night. You know what am accomplishment that would have been for me, even before. I guess I don't care if I have nightmares when I sleep now, because I'm already living one I can't wake up from. Gosh, this is so hard. I miss you so much. And I NEED you so much.
I've been listening to the song "Goodbyes" by 3 Doors Down a lot lately. It was an accident the first time. I was just listening to 3 Doors Down because it reminded me of you. Remember listening to it in Chicago? It was one of the only bands you liked on my phone, so we listened to the entire album twice. Now I just listen to the one song, because it's perfect. "I look ahead, but can't move on. I look back but I can't stay. And I keep trying to be strong, but this pain, it won't go away. I hope this will heal in time. Cause I can't go on like this. Right now I would give my life for one last kiss."
People ask me whether I'm going home for Christmas. To be honest, I can barely focus on today. The idea of celebrating Christmas anywhere without you is more than I can comprehend. We were supposed to be announcing our relationship to everyone at Christmas. We were supposed to be telling people how in love we were. And how we were planning on getting married. And instead I'll still be trying to wrap my head around the fact that we will never be able to get married. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, baby. But this is hard. I don't know how to do this without you. I love you so much. I would give anything to be with you right now.
I'm trying so hard to be strong, baby. But I don't know if I'm strong enough. Everything is so hard. And I'm so tired. I keep putting on a brave face. But I'm so empty inside without you. I go to the doctor Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect. I guess I might try grief counseling, too. I don't even want to get better. But I know I have to. Elliott is going to save my life. Even if I'm not sure I want to live. I have to for him.
I think the hardest part is just how little time I got with you. 113 days. You weren't even mine for a full 4 months. And now you're gone. I remember telling you once I had never had a relationship that lasted more than 4.5 months without getting engaged. You promised ours would. You were wrong baby. I was actually planning on taking you out and having a silly celebration when we hit the 4.5 month mark next month. And telling you I guess we made it, since we weren't officially engaged.
The fact we never officially got engaged is hard for me, too, baby. You asked me to marry you 4 times. But always said the official engagement would come later. I told you yes, and meant it every single time. Like I told J, even when we were broken up, I always just KNEW we would get back together, and get married. I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. You're the other piece of me. I still can't imagine a life without you. But I have to live it.
I love you, Christopher. I can't believe it's been a week since you left me. You were so amazing, baby. You were probably the bravest, strongest person I've ever met. I know your life was incredibly difficult, but you tried so hard. I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you more than I did. I hope you always knew how hard I tried. And I hope you always knew that I would have never ever given up on you. No matter what.
I love you so much, baby.
Carla
Thursday, November 12, 2015
A Letter To Him
I wrote this letter to my best friend in the entire world about 12 hours after I found out about his death. It took me that long to process it well enough to put it in writing, but here it is. It's raw and it's painful. It's the exact words I handwrote on a piece of paper as I sat and cried.
Dearest Christopher,
I love you so very much. Knowing I will never hug you, or see you again is so hard. I don't know how to live without you. 113 days wasn't nearly enough time to spend with my soulmate. 113 days. That's all I had. I hope you knew how much I loved you during that time. And how much I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. I know we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, I just thought it would be far longer. This is so unfair. I love you so much and this is so hard for me. I don't even know who I am without you. I am so sorry I let you down. I should have tried harder. I should have made sure you were actually getting the help you needed. I knew you were in pain. I don't know why I thought I could be enough. I just loved you so much. But I know love isn't always enough. I tried so hard, though. Baby, I love you.
I don't know if you can see me now, but if you can, then you can see how much I loved you, and still do. And how sorry I am that I didn't get you the help you needed. I don't think you took your own life, but if you did, I don't blame you. I know you were in pain. I wish I could have helped more. The guilt is eating me alive. But I'll be strong. And I'll continue living because that's what you would have wanted. You'll always have a piece of me. I have to learn to live without it. But I'll always have a piece of you, too. And it's my favorite part of me. I hope if you can see me, I'll make you proud.
I love you with everything I am.
Carla
Dearest Christopher,
I love you so very much. Knowing I will never hug you, or see you again is so hard. I don't know how to live without you. 113 days wasn't nearly enough time to spend with my soulmate. 113 days. That's all I had. I hope you knew how much I loved you during that time. And how much I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. I know we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, I just thought it would be far longer. This is so unfair. I love you so much and this is so hard for me. I don't even know who I am without you. I am so sorry I let you down. I should have tried harder. I should have made sure you were actually getting the help you needed. I knew you were in pain. I don't know why I thought I could be enough. I just loved you so much. But I know love isn't always enough. I tried so hard, though. Baby, I love you.
I don't know if you can see me now, but if you can, then you can see how much I loved you, and still do. And how sorry I am that I didn't get you the help you needed. I don't think you took your own life, but if you did, I don't blame you. I know you were in pain. I wish I could have helped more. The guilt is eating me alive. But I'll be strong. And I'll continue living because that's what you would have wanted. You'll always have a piece of me. I have to learn to live without it. But I'll always have a piece of you, too. And it's my favorite part of me. I hope if you can see me, I'll make you proud.
I love you with everything I am.
Carla
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)