Wednesday, December 23, 2015

We're Both Crying For You

Dear Christopher,

Elliott cried for you today.  Openly.  In front of me.  It rips my heart out when he does that.  But I'm happy he feels like he can now.  We both just miss you so much.  Today we talked about how Christmas will be this year.  And how it would have been if you were here.  He's going to open the present from us tomorrow.  He cried and said he knew you would watch him from heaven, but he wants you to be here to watch him instead.  I agree so much baby.  You should be here with us.  You should be sitting on the couch with me, smiling while he opens presents.  You should be opening your own presents from us.  But instead you're gone, and we're here alone.  We'll probably both cry.  Because being without you really really sucks.

Elliott asked me today why we couldn't save you.  And why us loving you wasn't enough.  He asked me if I could do anything over again in my life, would I choose to save you.  The answer was "Absolutely, beyond a doubt, my biggest regret is not being able to save Christopher."  I really thought I could baby.  I realize that I'm giving myself way too much power by thinking that.  But I love you so much.  And I thought maybe it would be enough to save you from yourself. I know that is not the case, but it's still hard to accept.

We both love you, and miss you so much.


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