Dearest Christopher,
Sundays are hard. I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send. But it's still hard. 3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me. I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again. I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could. Just listening to you. I miss you so much baby. I need you here with me.
I love you Chris. I love you so very much. I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted. I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it. Why are you making me??? I was sure we would be together forever. I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine. And that sucks. It's unfair. I love you. And I want you here with me. I'm sorry if that makes me selfish. But I miss you. And I need you. I don't know who I even am without you.
Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done. When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok. I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me. If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me. But you never chose her, did you? You chose me. I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to. I was the one you promised to spend your life with. And I want to say thank you for that. But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you. It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile. Waking up next to you was amazing. Waking up alone is awful.
I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you. They say they're worried that I'm not myself. I don't even know who I am. How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me. I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok. I just miss you so much. I'd do almost anything to feel better again.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Showing posts with label best friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label best friends. Show all posts
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
You're My Best Friend
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning baby. I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself. And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse. You belong here with me. And I miss you. You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.
I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard. You're still the only friend I want to talk to. Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California. She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you. I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel. But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried. She had a lovely post about him on Facebook. I cried like a baby. Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard. I just want you back baby. But I know I can't have you.
You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to. But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would. I just want to be held by you. I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping. I miss you so much.
I love you and miss you so much it hurts.
Carla
Good morning baby. I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself. And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse. You belong here with me. And I miss you. You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.
I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard. You're still the only friend I want to talk to. Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California. She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you. I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel. But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried. She had a lovely post about him on Facebook. I cried like a baby. Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard. I just want you back baby. But I know I can't have you.
You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to. But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would. I just want to be held by you. I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping. I miss you so much.
I love you and miss you so much it hurts.
Carla
Thursday, November 12, 2015
3 AM and I Miss Him SO Much
It's 3 am and I'm sitting in front of the computer trying to make sense of this week. I've never been good at sleeping at night when I'm all alone, but tonight I'm not even going to pretend to try. I miss Christopher so much. I'm wearing one of his t shirts right now, with one of his dress shirts open over the top of it. Keeping it classy at 3 am. ;) The t shirt has been washed and no longer smells of him, but the dress shirt does. And I need that tonight.
I've spent the entire day going back and forth between complete numbness and crying so hysterically I'm sure I will hyperventilate. I can't make up my mind which is worse. I just know that this is really hard. Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I've been through my fair share of hard stuff.
Christopher was only 32. He was a Taurus, born on Friday, the 13th of May, 1983. He was a caring man. He was funny. He was cute. He was one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, but only when he wanted to be. He loved lasagna and meatloaf, and hated mushrooms and pickles. He liked comedies and action movies. He considered sad movies to be one of the worst things ever.
I only had 113 days to get to know this man. And I certainly tried. He laughed at how random I was when we were on the phone or texting. And I would switch from one topic to the next. But I wanted to know everything about him. I knew within the first week of talking to him that he was special and was going to be very important to me. He laughed at my confidence sometimes. I would just tell him "I KNOW we're supposed to be together! I love you! Don't you love me?" And his response was "Of course I do. I told you first, remember?"
A lot of people could probably tell you those things, though. The things that maybe they couldn't tell you are the more important ones, though. At least to me. Like the way he said "I love you" and actually looked at my face. He wasn't a fan of eye contact and hated it when he caught me looking at him. But when he said I love you, he would look directly at me. Or the way he would rub my back when I put my head on his chest to talk to him. He wasn't a fan of snuggling, and would frequently tell me I was asking a lot of him when I curled up on him, but he let me do it anyway. And he snuggled back. He also had this way of looking at me when he didn't think I was paying attention. And the cutest smile on his face. Like he was doing something sneaky by looking at me. I know he wasn't a perfect guy, but he certainly was one of my favorites.
Right now I'm dealing with the aftermath of losing him. And it's hard. I can laugh at some of my memories of him already, but I know a lot of the others will forever be painful. Watching him walk away from me for the last time is something I'm not sure I will ever get over. The guilt that goes with that memory for me is intense. But the smile on his face the first time he saw me is a pleasant thing to think about. And the way he looked when he told me I was much more beautiful in person than in my pictures.
I only had 113 days with my soulmate. It was much too brief. But it taught me so much. It taught me things I'll always remember, even if I live to be 113 years old.
I've spent the entire day going back and forth between complete numbness and crying so hysterically I'm sure I will hyperventilate. I can't make up my mind which is worse. I just know that this is really hard. Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I've been through my fair share of hard stuff.
Christopher was only 32. He was a Taurus, born on Friday, the 13th of May, 1983. He was a caring man. He was funny. He was cute. He was one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, but only when he wanted to be. He loved lasagna and meatloaf, and hated mushrooms and pickles. He liked comedies and action movies. He considered sad movies to be one of the worst things ever.
I only had 113 days to get to know this man. And I certainly tried. He laughed at how random I was when we were on the phone or texting. And I would switch from one topic to the next. But I wanted to know everything about him. I knew within the first week of talking to him that he was special and was going to be very important to me. He laughed at my confidence sometimes. I would just tell him "I KNOW we're supposed to be together! I love you! Don't you love me?" And his response was "Of course I do. I told you first, remember?"
A lot of people could probably tell you those things, though. The things that maybe they couldn't tell you are the more important ones, though. At least to me. Like the way he said "I love you" and actually looked at my face. He wasn't a fan of eye contact and hated it when he caught me looking at him. But when he said I love you, he would look directly at me. Or the way he would rub my back when I put my head on his chest to talk to him. He wasn't a fan of snuggling, and would frequently tell me I was asking a lot of him when I curled up on him, but he let me do it anyway. And he snuggled back. He also had this way of looking at me when he didn't think I was paying attention. And the cutest smile on his face. Like he was doing something sneaky by looking at me. I know he wasn't a perfect guy, but he certainly was one of my favorites.
Right now I'm dealing with the aftermath of losing him. And it's hard. I can laugh at some of my memories of him already, but I know a lot of the others will forever be painful. Watching him walk away from me for the last time is something I'm not sure I will ever get over. The guilt that goes with that memory for me is intense. But the smile on his face the first time he saw me is a pleasant thing to think about. And the way he looked when he told me I was much more beautiful in person than in my pictures.
I only had 113 days with my soulmate. It was much too brief. But it taught me so much. It taught me things I'll always remember, even if I live to be 113 years old.
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