Dearest Christopher,
Sundays are hard. I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send. But it's still hard. 3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me. I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again. I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could. Just listening to you. I miss you so much baby. I need you here with me.
I love you Chris. I love you so very much. I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted. I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it. Why are you making me??? I was sure we would be together forever. I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine. And that sucks. It's unfair. I love you. And I want you here with me. I'm sorry if that makes me selfish. But I miss you. And I need you. I don't know who I even am without you.
Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done. When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok. I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me. If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me. But you never chose her, did you? You chose me. I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to. I was the one you promised to spend your life with. And I want to say thank you for that. But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you. It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile. Waking up next to you was amazing. Waking up alone is awful.
I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you. They say they're worried that I'm not myself. I don't even know who I am. How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me. I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok. I just miss you so much. I'd do almost anything to feel better again.
I love you so much it hurts
Carla
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Saturday, November 28, 2015
it's So Hard Without You
Dearest Christopher,
I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone. Your sister once said it was hard to love you. It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now. It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore. You were mine. You belonged with me. And you took so much of me when you left. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house. And I'm still terrified about leaving my house. I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it. I don't even want to do those things really. I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie. But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house. And that's scary.
I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday. I'm really nervous, but I know I need it. I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it. And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time. I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much and I always did.
It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out. Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year. I hate it that it won't be there. I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year. But I can't, because of Elliott. Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.
I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.
Carla
I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone. Your sister once said it was hard to love you. It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now. It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore. You were mine. You belonged with me. And you took so much of me when you left. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house. And I'm still terrified about leaving my house. I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it. I don't even want to do those things really. I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie. But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house. And that's scary.
I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday. I'm really nervous, but I know I need it. I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it. And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time. I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much and I always did.
It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out. Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year. I hate it that it won't be there. I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year. But I can't, because of Elliott. Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.
I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.
Carla
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
You're My Best Friend
Dearest Christopher,
Good morning baby. I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself. And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse. You belong here with me. And I miss you. You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.
I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard. You're still the only friend I want to talk to. Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California. She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you. I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel. But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried. She had a lovely post about him on Facebook. I cried like a baby. Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard. I just want you back baby. But I know I can't have you.
You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to. But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would. I just want to be held by you. I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping. I miss you so much.
I love you and miss you so much it hurts.
Carla
Good morning baby. I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself. And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse. You belong here with me. And I miss you. You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.
I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard. You're still the only friend I want to talk to. Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California. She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you. I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel. But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried. She had a lovely post about him on Facebook. I cried like a baby. Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard. I just want you back baby. But I know I can't have you.
You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to. But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would. I just want to be held by you. I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping. I miss you so much.
I love you and miss you so much it hurts.
Carla
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Lonely, Sad, and Missing You
Dear Christopher,
I'm lonely and sad today. I want to talk to you. I want to hear your voice, and your laugh. I want to hear you tell me you love me, and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. I want to touch you. I want to curl up halfway on top of you in my favorite position. But instead, I'll sit here and write you a letter and cry.
It's amazing some of the things I've learned about you since you died baby. Some of them I could have gone my whole life without knowing. Others I'm glad I learned. I'm not mad at you about anything I've learned. But I'm sad that you kept some of the secrets you did from me. I would have always loved you no matter what. I still will always love you no matter what. But some things would have been better coming from you.
I miss you so much I wonder if I'll ever fully heal. If it's even possible to heal from this much pain. You took so much of me with you. People tell me I should be angry with you for leaving me. And occasionally I am. But mainly I'm just sad. I'm so sad that you left me. I'm so sad that I couldn't save you. I think I might literally die from a broken heart. I hurt so bad.
Did you know that self destructive behavior is an especially common side effect in people who lost their life partner to a tragic death while in their 20's and 30's? I didn't realize it was, until I started living it. The self destructive thoughts are intense. I want relief from this sadness any way I can get it, though. It's so tough.
I've spent a lot of time lately wondering why you walked into my life and turned everything upside down. And I think about how unfair it is that I got you for such a short amount of time.You were mine baby. You were supposed to stay mine much longer, though. I wouldn't trade a single second I had you for anything. But it seems so unfair that I got you for such a short amount of time. And my pain will last much much longer than the joy.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
I'm lonely and sad today. I want to talk to you. I want to hear your voice, and your laugh. I want to hear you tell me you love me, and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. I want to touch you. I want to curl up halfway on top of you in my favorite position. But instead, I'll sit here and write you a letter and cry.
It's amazing some of the things I've learned about you since you died baby. Some of them I could have gone my whole life without knowing. Others I'm glad I learned. I'm not mad at you about anything I've learned. But I'm sad that you kept some of the secrets you did from me. I would have always loved you no matter what. I still will always love you no matter what. But some things would have been better coming from you.
I miss you so much I wonder if I'll ever fully heal. If it's even possible to heal from this much pain. You took so much of me with you. People tell me I should be angry with you for leaving me. And occasionally I am. But mainly I'm just sad. I'm so sad that you left me. I'm so sad that I couldn't save you. I think I might literally die from a broken heart. I hurt so bad.
Did you know that self destructive behavior is an especially common side effect in people who lost their life partner to a tragic death while in their 20's and 30's? I didn't realize it was, until I started living it. The self destructive thoughts are intense. I want relief from this sadness any way I can get it, though. It's so tough.
I've spent a lot of time lately wondering why you walked into my life and turned everything upside down. And I think about how unfair it is that I got you for such a short amount of time.You were mine baby. You were supposed to stay mine much longer, though. I wouldn't trade a single second I had you for anything. But it seems so unfair that I got you for such a short amount of time. And my pain will last much much longer than the joy.
I love you so much that it hurts.
Carla
Monday, November 23, 2015
Two Weeks
Dear Christopher,
Mornings are definitely the hardest part of the day these days. Waking up without you is terrible. I woke up because of a text message this morning, but of course it wasn't you. So I cried. I would give anything to wake up next to you one more time babe. I miss you and love you so much.
I sent you a message once that said in French they don't say I miss you, they say you're missing from me. At the time I meant because you were a thousand miles away. Now you really are missing from me. And I struggle to handle that. I am so in love with you.
It's been two weeks since you died. The two most awful weeks in my existence. I told you before I had been through some rough stuff. And you know I had. But none of that was anything like this.
People are ready for me to move on. Guys are asking me out again. I just want friends, though, baby. But I need someone. Besides Elliott, Jon was the last one to really hug me. And that was over a week ago. I needed to be hugged. You always thought it was weird how much physical touch I needed. I need it even more now. Just a long hug.
It's almost thanksgiving. I'm trying to remember to be thankful for everything I have. But the grief for everything I lost is intense. I miss you. I miss the plans I had with you for the future. I miss everything about you. If I could have you back, I'd do anything in my power to keep you with me forever. I love you so much.
I talked to your mom a little yesterday. She's struggling of course. I wish I could do something to help her. I'm praying for her though. As bad as this is for me, I can't imagine how it is for her.
I love you more than I ever thought possible.
Carla
Mornings are definitely the hardest part of the day these days. Waking up without you is terrible. I woke up because of a text message this morning, but of course it wasn't you. So I cried. I would give anything to wake up next to you one more time babe. I miss you and love you so much.
I sent you a message once that said in French they don't say I miss you, they say you're missing from me. At the time I meant because you were a thousand miles away. Now you really are missing from me. And I struggle to handle that. I am so in love with you.
It's been two weeks since you died. The two most awful weeks in my existence. I told you before I had been through some rough stuff. And you know I had. But none of that was anything like this.
People are ready for me to move on. Guys are asking me out again. I just want friends, though, baby. But I need someone. Besides Elliott, Jon was the last one to really hug me. And that was over a week ago. I needed to be hugged. You always thought it was weird how much physical touch I needed. I need it even more now. Just a long hug.
It's almost thanksgiving. I'm trying to remember to be thankful for everything I have. But the grief for everything I lost is intense. I miss you. I miss the plans I had with you for the future. I miss everything about you. If I could have you back, I'd do anything in my power to keep you with me forever. I love you so much.
I talked to your mom a little yesterday. She's struggling of course. I wish I could do something to help her. I'm praying for her though. As bad as this is for me, I can't imagine how it is for her.
I love you more than I ever thought possible.
Carla
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)