Can't Sleep

Dearest Christopher,

It's almost 4 am and I can't sleep.  I miss you so much and I can't stop crying.  I wonder if the pain will ever go away.  I don't think it ever will.  As long as I'm alive, I'll love and miss you.  I don't know how to live without you.  But I'm trying, baby.  Believe me, I'm trying.

I've been on pinterest looking at quotes.  I know you thought I spent too much time looking at quotes but sometimes it makes me feel better to realize that other people are going through what I'm going through.  I know there are a lot of sad people out there.  And I'm sad for them.  But I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

Ironically I read a quote at 3:41 (4:41 in Michigan) that said "It's 4:41 am, I wish I was pressed against your chest listening to your heartbeat instead of the rain."  And that's the kind of thing I would have sent you while you were alive.  Because I missed you so much anytime we were apart.  But now that you're gone, it's even more meaningful.  I would give up almost anything to be in your arms right now.

I miss you so much that it physically hurts me baby.  I don't know to do this.  I know I say that a lot. But it's true.  I miss you.  And I need you. I love you so much.  I don't ever want to stop loving you, but I wish it would become less painful.

Every single day I think of something else I should have tried to save you.  And every day I realize that I didn't try hard enough to save you.  I hope you realized that I was doing the best I knew how to do though.  I love you.  And if love alone would have been enough, you'd still be here.  My love for you is strong, deep, and complete.  You used to say it was scary.  It wasn't when you were alive.  But sometimes it is now.  Because you aren't here.  And it feels like there's nowhere for it to go.

I love you so much it hurts.

Carla

Therapy Today

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning handsome.  I miss you.  I have my first real therapy appointment today.  I'm pretty nervous.  I hope it will help.  I need to talk to someone.  I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry.  I can't believe you did this to us!  I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general.  Because this really really sucks.  I want you to come home!!

Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again.  I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you.  I hate that babe.  I could not stop crying.  How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe.  I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher.  This is so unfair.  You were way too young to die and leave me here alone.  And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already.  How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??

I know our relationship was far from perfect.  But I never wanted a perfect relationship.  I wanted a real one, and I had that with you.  Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together.  When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you.  And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either.  But now I'm forced to live mine without you.  And I just don't know how to do it.

I love you so much it hurts

Carla

Three Weeks Without You

Dearest Christopher,

Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath.  I still don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to be ok yet.  Will I ever be ok again?  Some days I think I might be.  Other days I'm sure I won't be.  I just miss you so much.  I hurt all the time.  I fake smiles and I laugh.  But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes.  Like in the one picture that everyone else likes.  But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy.  You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you.  I'm still in love with you.  But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy.  I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you.  And that you loved me back.  But I'm so sad because it's over.  I never wanted it to end.

I start grief counseling in two days.  I hope it goes well.  I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen.  I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense.  But they don't.  And they never will.  Because you aren't here.  And you made sense.  You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing.  You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life.  I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again.  I didn't lie.  I was there for the rest of your life.  But why can't you be here for mine??  Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32??  Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else.  But I don't want anyone else.  I want YOU.  And you left me!!

I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs.  For months now that's been you.  I can't go to sleep without thinking about you.  And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare.  And I can't wake up from it.  You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time.  It made me happy because  I thought about you all the time, too.  I still do.  But now it makes me sad.  Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here.  I don't really blame you.  I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope.  I love you so much.  I would have done anything for you.  Anything at all.  I hope you always knew that.

I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week.  How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you?  How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy?  I just want you back.  The pain I feel is unbearable.  It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you.  And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long.  This is absolutely unbearable.  I don't know how to live with this pain.  All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby.  I miss you so much.  You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about.  What do I do now?  Who do I turn to?  The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.

I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone.  I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me.  But I think it made things harder.  I KNOW you still loved me.  But I was so scared and hurt that last week.  I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though.  I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone.  It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died.  I hope you still know that it's true.

I love you so much baby

Carla

Sundays Are Awful

Dearest Christopher,

Sundays are hard.  I overslept this morning so I'm not going to church today. So I won't cry in the parking lot about the text I won't send.  But it's still hard.  3 weeks ago today you called me, and you told me you loved me.  I wish I had known then that I would never hear your wonderful voice again.  I would have stayed on the phone as long as I could.  Just listening to you.  I miss you so much baby.  I need you here with me.

I love you Chris. I love you so very much.  I meant it every single time I said I love you. I meant it every single time I said you were exactly what I wanted.  I meant it every single time I said I didn't want to live my life without you in it.  Why are you making me???  I was sure we would be together forever.  I guess we were together for your forever, just not mine.  And that sucks.  It's unfair.  I love you.  And I want you here with me.  I'm sorry if that makes me selfish.  But I miss you. And I need you.  I don't know who I even am without you.

Living without you is harder than anything I've ever done.  When you broke up with me I cried, but I was always generally ok, because you were ok.  I always just wanted what was best for you, even if that wasn't me.  If you would have chosen her, it would have sucked, but I would have been ok because that would have meant you needed her more than you needed me.  But you never chose her, did you?  You chose me.  I was the one you decided to see. I was the one you slept next to.  I was the one you promised to spend your life with.  And I want to say thank you for that.  But now it's so hard. It's so hard falling asleep without telling you goodnight and I love you.  It's hard starting my day without either texting you "Good morning baby, how did you sleep?" Or curling up against you and seeing your happy sleepy smile.  Waking up next to you was amazing.  Waking up alone is awful.

I'm pulling away from everyone who knew me before you.  They say they're worried that I'm not myself.  I don't even know who I am.  How can I be who they want me to be?? I'm making new friends now who only know this version of me.  I'm probably going about it in the wrong way. But I guess that's ok.  I just miss you so much.  I'd do almost anything to feel better again.

I love you so much it hurts

Carla

Black Friday

Dearest Christopher,

I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was.  Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping.  I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg.  You said it might even be fun.

I'm at home.  And I can't even seem to do it online.  Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now.  And I have to do this.  Without you.  You treated me too well.  You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do.  Until the 9th, when you left me.  Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do.  Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.

I put on this happy face every single day.  I don't want people to worry about me.  But inside I feel so dead.  I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard.  I miss you. I miss being happy.  People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now.  They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.

I just miss you.  And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day.  But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.

Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.

Carla

Thank You

Dearest Christopher,

I miss you so much.  I haven't actually been crying when I woke up the last three mornings, but the weight in my chest is heavy.  You're still my first thought in the morning and my last one at night.  I love you. I'm still not sure how to accept that you're not coming back to me.  From the first time I saw you in person, I knew I belonged to you.  It was always you, Chris.  Always.  No matter how hard things were.  No matter how much you pushed me away.  You were always my choice.

Last night I was able to talk about you without crying the entire time.  I'm working hard on that.  I know I'll always be sad because of the way you left me.  I know we were supposed to be together.  But I'm working on smiling more and crying less when I think of you.  You were amazing.  You were strong.  You were brave.  And you were mine.  I have many wonderful memories of you.  Laughing and talking, cuddling, driving around.  I think what I miss the most is the way you looked when you were sleepy but trying to stay awake because I wouldn't shut up.

I know you weren't perfect.  And to be honest, I was an awful girlfriend sometimes.  But we were perfect together.  We were just exactly right and what the other one needed.

Thank you so much for coming into my life.  Thank you for teaching me so many valuable lessons.  Thank you for showing me how to trust again.  Thank you for everything.

I love you so much that I don't know how to live without you.  But I'm trying, baby.  I'm trying.

Carla

Lonely and Sad

Dearest Christopher,

I woke up not crying again this morning.  And I even slept through the night last night.  I think I slept about 9.5 hours, and only woke up when Elliott woke me up.  Of course it didn't take long for me to start crying, because I still miss you so much.  But sleeping without tears feels nice.  But then I almost feel guilty for not missing you while I sleep.  I know that's insane.  And you wouldn't want me to cry for you.  And you would want me to be ok again.  But it's just so hard.

I can't seem to fully accept you aren't coming back to me.  We belong together.  And I miss you.  I always missed you when we were apart.  I was always thinking about you.  You were always the first thought on my mind in the morning, and the last one on my mind at night.  And that brought me comfort.  Because you said I was your first and last thought, too.  But now you're gone.  And you're still my first and last thought.  But I can't text you or call you to tell you about it.  I just write letters, but of course you can't write back.

I can now see your smile sometimes when I close my eyes.  It is so much better.  I can almost hear your laugh.  I'm so worried about losing the ability to remember how you sounded though.  I don't have a single recording of the way you sound, and that hurts.  I miss your voice so much.  You always said I was crazy, but I always loved your voice, and your laugh, even when we were just friends.  It was such a beautiful sound.

I feel so lonely and scared without you here.  The forums help, but they all talk about their friends hugging them and listening to them.  You were the one I relied on for that kind of support.  I don't have anyone else.  Carl is there to listen to me and tell me he loves me anyway.  But I need to be held.  And I don't have that.  And I know that if I had lost anyone else you would have been on the first train to me if you weren't already with me, no matter what.  But I don't have anyone else like that.  I feel so alone.

I've been trying to get into a grief counselor.   But haven't had luck with that.  That sucks.  Because I think I could use it.  But I've called twice and so far I've not had a return call.  That's rough baby.  It's hard to force myself to do anything right now.  The grief is still so overwhelming.  Some minutes I almost feel ok, but then it all comes crashing back.  And I can't stop crying again.  I'm beginning to think my eyes are going to be permanently swollen.

I miss you baby.  I would give almost anything to have you here with me right now.  I know you were in pain, but I wanted to help you.  I get that maybe that's selfish.  But I wanted you to feel better for you, too.  I just wanted to have a long life with you.  I'm so sad that I have to live the rest of my life without you.  It's so unfair.

I love you with everything in me

Carla

Home, Without You

Dear Christopher,

I'm back at my own house now. I honestly thought the next time I went to to Michigan I would be bringing you back to me for good.  How do I live like this?  Knowing you are supposed to be with me, but can't be?  I laid in my bed today and cried.  I have a feeling that's the new normal.  It's just hard.  I look at your side of the bed, and think about the way you looked lying next to me.  I move my arm and pretend I can reach you and sleep with my hand on your side like I always did when we were together.  I roll away and face the other side and imagine you'll scoot closer so you can feel my warmth like before.  But the bed is cold and empty.  Trixie curls up next to me and I laugh.  I am surprised by the laughter.  But it reminds me of you putting the pillow in the floor and telling her that was her bed.  And the look on her face as she jumped up onto YOUR side of the bed.

It's been a week since I last heard your voice.  The hardest week of my life.  I love you.  And I miss you.  I'm still not sure how to do this without you.  I went to church today.  I tried to pay attention, but it was kinda hard.  My church family is still praying for me.  And your family.  That's comforting.  I hope they remember to pray for Elliott, too.

Elliott's struggling, baby.  He's trying to be strong for me.  But he misses you.  You were important to him.  Remember how he always said you were his favorite grown up besides family?  It's hard.  He thought you were moving in with us.  And even though he didn't want us to get married, he wanted you to be with us.  I don't even know how to help him.  I can barely help myself.

I know you can see me now, or you can't see this letter anyway.  But I finally ate something today.  It's awful and I'm miserable.  But I'm trying.  I slept for about 2 hours this morning when I got home, and another 1.5 this afternoon.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep more than that again.

I talked to J today.  I wrote her an entire book on facebook messenger.  Unlike her brother, she appreciated it!  Ha.  She misses you, too, Christopher.  It was nice talking to her.  I told her some stuff about our relationship. I just needed her to know how much I love you.  She told me thanks for loving you.  Like I could help but love you.  You were my everything.  She's lovely, though.  And I really hope I can get to know her better.  I always thought I would have the chance when we were sisters in law.  Now that won't ever happen, but maybe we can still be friends.  After all, we both love the most amazing man I've ever known.

I'm struggling with so much right now.  Your memorial was so hard.  I didn't know anyone besides your mom. But it was comforting talking to other people who loved you.  And hearing from Mario how you talked about me was incredible.  I'm so glad that you told someone else how you wanted to be with me, because I made you so happy.  To be honest, I was beginning to think it was all in my head.  I always thought I loved you more than you loved me, but was ok with that.  But the confirmation that you loved me AND told others about me was exactly what I needed.

Baby, I keep thinking about everything I did wrong, and what I could have done better and differently.  I know I can't change anything, and I'm just beating myself up, but I can't help it.  I hope you always knew I was doing the best I could.  I love you so much.  I'm so empty without you.  Everyone keeps telling me time will heal it, but when every minute hurts, I don't know how to cope with that.  How much time will it take?  Will I even survive it?  Some times the pain is so intense that I don't think I can ever get better.  And then I'll go numb for a little bit.  Or I'll think of something about you that makes me laugh.  The sadness can't possibly stick 24/7 and I am so thankful for that.

I feel like no one really gets what I'm going through.  But I know that's my fault.  I know I was the one that wanted to keep our relationship secret a little longer.  I was an idiot, baby, I'm sorry.  I wish now that we had told the entire world.  I would be so proud to announce loudly to everyone while holding your hand "He's mine!  We belong together forever."  I'm so sorry  I was too stupid to see that before.  I hope you never felt like it was because  I was ashamed of you.  That was certainly never the case.  I was just ashamed of myself.  And my weakness.  And that I didn't tell people before that my marriage had failed.  But Christopher I was always proud to be your girlfriend.  I hope you know that.  Being your girlfriend was amazing.  And when you referred to me as your future wife, or talked about getting married, I was ecstatic. 

I love you more than I ever thought I possibly could.  Thanks for sharing your life with me baby, and keeping your promise to love me all your life.  I just wish it had been longer.

I love you so much it hurts.

Carla

One Last Night

Dearest Christopher,

I thought the hardest day of my life was the day I find out you were gone.  Turns out I was wrong.  It was just the first incredibly painful day of many I'm sure.

I got to sleep in your bed one last time last night.  I slept wrapped up in things that smelled like you, holding your shirt you were wearing in the first picture you ever sent to me.  I slept better than I had since you left my house last month.  But, oh the pain, this morning!  Waking up alone in your bed!  I don't know how to wake up without you every morning for the rest of my life.

I got to meet some important people to you last night and I am so thankful for that.  It was nice to see how important you were to so many people.  I'm sorry that I was such a crybaby at your memorial.  I know it's something you would have made fun of me for.  But I just don't know how to not cry anymore.

I never ever doubted you loved me.  But talking to Mario last night confirmed to me that your love for me was great.  It was so comforting hearing him say how much you talked about me and how much you wanted to be with me in North Dakota.

I know you hate the backstreet boys, but the opening lines of one of their songs just keeps playing through my head.  The rest of the song doesn't apply but it does.  "It's not that I can't live without you.  It's just that I don't even want to try.  Every night I dream about you. Ever since the day we said goodbye."  Later on it says..."Because your love is so amazing. Baby you're the best thing in my life."

The truth is, I don't even know how to begin to live without you.  You were only mine for 113 days, but those were the best days of my life.  I got you for less than 1% of your days. I wanted you for over 50%.

Today I leave Michigan.  I don't know if I'll ever be back.  It's so hard being here without you.  But it's also comforting because it's where you were.  I see you everywhere.  I feel you here with me.  I looked around for you at Walmart last night before I remembered you weren't with me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy without you. You always said you needed me, but I didn't need you, I only wanted you.  Turns out you were wrong.  I need you so much.

I know you didn't leave me on purpose, and you wanted to be with me.  And I know in my heart that you belonged to me.  Not because I wanted to own you, but because you wanted to belong to me.  I think that's my problem now.  The heart that belongs to me is no longer beating.  And the heart in my chest can't figure out how to beat without its owner here on earth.

I am so thankful I got the opportunity to meet you.  Our time together was way too short, but it was incredible.  In the darkest hours I've wondered why I ever even got to meet you, just for you to be taken back away from me.  But I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for the world.  I know the intense pain will last much longer than the 113 days of joy I had, but it's so worth it.

Thank you for loving me no matter what.

Carla

3 AM and I Miss Him SO Much

It's 3 am and I'm sitting in front of the computer trying to make sense of  this week.  I've never been good at sleeping at night when I'm all alone, but tonight I'm not even going to pretend to try.  I miss Christopher so much.  I'm wearing one of his t shirts right now, with one of his dress shirts open over the top of it.  Keeping it classy at 3 am. ;)   The t shirt has been washed and no longer smells of him, but the dress shirt does.  And I need that tonight.

I've spent the entire day going back and forth between complete numbness and crying so hysterically I'm sure I will hyperventilate.  I can't make up my mind which is worse.  I just know that this is really hard.  Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I've been through my fair share of hard stuff.

Christopher was only 32.  He was a Taurus, born on Friday, the 13th of May, 1983.  He was a caring man.  He was funny.  He was cute.  He was one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, but only when he wanted to be.  He loved lasagna and meatloaf, and hated mushrooms and pickles.  He liked comedies and action movies.  He considered sad movies to be one of the worst things ever.

I only had 113 days to get to know this man.  And I certainly tried.  He laughed at how random I was when we were on the phone or texting.  And I would switch from one topic to the next.  But I wanted to know everything about him.  I knew within the first week of talking to him that he was special and was going to be very important to me.  He laughed at my confidence sometimes.  I would just tell him "I KNOW we're supposed to be together!  I love you!  Don't you love me?"  And his response was "Of course I do.  I told you first, remember?"

A lot of people could probably tell you those things, though.  The things that maybe they couldn't tell you are the more important ones, though. At least to me. Like the way he said "I love you" and actually looked at my face.  He wasn't a fan of eye contact and hated it when he caught me looking at him.  But when he said I love you, he would look directly at me.  Or the way he would rub my back when I put my head on his chest to talk to him.  He wasn't a fan of snuggling, and would frequently tell me I was asking a lot of him when I curled up on him, but he let me do it anyway.  And he snuggled back.  He also had this way of looking at me when he didn't think I was paying attention.  And the cutest smile on his face.  Like he was doing something sneaky by looking at me.  I know he wasn't a perfect guy, but he certainly was one of my favorites.

Right now I'm dealing with the aftermath of losing him.  And it's hard.  I can laugh at some of my memories of him already, but I know a lot of the others will forever be painful.  Watching him walk away from me for the last time is something I'm not sure I will ever get over.  The guilt that goes with that memory for me is intense.  But the smile on his face the first time he saw me is a pleasant thing to think about.  And the way he looked when he told me I was much more beautiful in person than in my pictures.

I only had 113 days with my soulmate.  It was much too brief.  But it taught me so much.  It taught me things I'll always remember, even if I live to be 113 years old.