Can't Sleep

Dearest Christopher,

It's almost 4 am and I can't sleep.  I miss you so much and I can't stop crying.  I wonder if the pain will ever go away.  I don't think it ever will.  As long as I'm alive, I'll love and miss you.  I don't know how to live without you.  But I'm trying, baby.  Believe me, I'm trying.

I've been on pinterest looking at quotes.  I know you thought I spent too much time looking at quotes but sometimes it makes me feel better to realize that other people are going through what I'm going through.  I know there are a lot of sad people out there.  And I'm sad for them.  But I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

Ironically I read a quote at 3:41 (4:41 in Michigan) that said "It's 4:41 am, I wish I was pressed against your chest listening to your heartbeat instead of the rain."  And that's the kind of thing I would have sent you while you were alive.  Because I missed you so much anytime we were apart.  But now that you're gone, it's even more meaningful.  I would give up almost anything to be in your arms right now.

I miss you so much that it physically hurts me baby.  I don't know to do this.  I know I say that a lot. But it's true.  I miss you.  And I need you. I love you so much.  I don't ever want to stop loving you, but I wish it would become less painful.

Every single day I think of something else I should have tried to save you.  And every day I realize that I didn't try hard enough to save you.  I hope you realized that I was doing the best I knew how to do though.  I love you.  And if love alone would have been enough, you'd still be here.  My love for you is strong, deep, and complete.  You used to say it was scary.  It wasn't when you were alive.  But sometimes it is now.  Because you aren't here.  And it feels like there's nowhere for it to go.

I love you so much it hurts.

Carla

Therapy Today

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning handsome.  I miss you.  I have my first real therapy appointment today.  I'm pretty nervous.  I hope it will help.  I need to talk to someone.  I just miss you and love you so much. And I'm so angry.  I can't believe you did this to us!  I know you didn't do it on purpose, so I'm not really angry at you, just angry in general.  Because this really really sucks.  I want you to come home!!

Yesterday I paid bills like I always do on the first of the month. When I pulled up the phone bill and saw how few texts I've sent/received and how few minutes I've talked, it hit me all over again.  I paid the last bill yesterday that will ever include texts and calls to/from you.  I hate that babe.  I could not stop crying.  How do I go the rest of my life never hearing your voice say "Baby? I love you" or reading a text that says "I miss you babe.  I can't sleep without you next to me." I miss you so much Christopher.  This is so unfair.  You were way too young to die and leave me here alone.  And the suckiest thing is that I was "just the girlfriend" so I'm supposed to be over you already.  How do I ever get over the loss of the love of my life, though??

I know our relationship was far from perfect.  But I never wanted a perfect relationship.  I wanted a real one, and I had that with you.  Even when we fought I never doubted, for even one minute, that you loved me anyway, and that we belonged together.  When we broke up, I couldn't imagine my life without you.  And it seems you couldn't imagine yours without me either.  But now I'm forced to live mine without you.  And I just don't know how to do it.

I love you so much it hurts

Carla

Three Weeks Without You

Dearest Christopher,

Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath.  I still don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to be ok yet.  Will I ever be ok again?  Some days I think I might be.  Other days I'm sure I won't be.  I just miss you so much.  I hurt all the time.  I fake smiles and I laugh.  But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes.  Like in the one picture that everyone else likes.  But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy.  You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you.  I'm still in love with you.  But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy.  I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you.  And that you loved me back.  But I'm so sad because it's over.  I never wanted it to end.

I start grief counseling in two days.  I hope it goes well.  I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen.  I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense.  But they don't.  And they never will.  Because you aren't here.  And you made sense.  You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing.  You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life.  I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again.  I didn't lie.  I was there for the rest of your life.  But why can't you be here for mine??  Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32??  Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else.  But I don't want anyone else.  I want YOU.  And you left me!!

I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs.  For months now that's been you.  I can't go to sleep without thinking about you.  And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare.  And I can't wake up from it.  You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time.  It made me happy because  I thought about you all the time, too.  I still do.  But now it makes me sad.  Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here.  I don't really blame you.  I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope.  I love you so much.  I would have done anything for you.  Anything at all.  I hope you always knew that.

I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week.  How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you?  How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy?  I just want you back.  The pain I feel is unbearable.  It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you.  And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long.  This is absolutely unbearable.  I don't know how to live with this pain.  All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby.  I miss you so much.  You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about.  What do I do now?  Who do I turn to?  The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.

I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone.  I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me.  But I think it made things harder.  I KNOW you still loved me.  But I was so scared and hurt that last week.  I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though.  I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone.  It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died.  I hope you still know that it's true.

I love you so much baby

Carla

it's So Hard Without You

Dearest Christopher,

I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone.  Your sister once said it was hard to love you.  It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now.  It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore.  You were mine.  You belonged with me.  And you took so much of me when you left.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house.  And I'm still terrified about leaving my house.  I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it.  I don't even want to do those things really.  I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie.  But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house.  And that's scary.

I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday.  I'm really nervous, but I know I need it.  I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it.  And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time.  I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that.  I love you so much and I always did.

It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out.  Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year.  I hate it that it won't be there.  I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year.  But I can't, because of Elliott.  Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.

I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.

Carla

Black Friday

Dearest Christopher,

I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was.  Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping.  I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg.  You said it might even be fun.

I'm at home.  And I can't even seem to do it online.  Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now.  And I have to do this.  Without you.  You treated me too well.  You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do.  Until the 9th, when you left me.  Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do.  Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.

I put on this happy face every single day.  I don't want people to worry about me.  But inside I feel so dead.  I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard.  I miss you. I miss being happy.  People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now.  They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.

I just miss you.  And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day.  But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.

Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.

Carla

You're My Best Friend

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning baby.  I miss you. Mornings are so hard. I hate waking up by myself.  And knowing I can't text you makes it even worse.  You belong here with me.  And I miss you.  You were my very best friend, as well as my boyfriend.

I'm trying to make new friends, but it's hard.  You're still the only friend I want to talk to.  Yesterday I talked to this really sweet girl in California.  She lost the love of her life to a drug overdose just a few days before I lost you.  I'm sad that she knows so much how I feel.  But I think talking to someone who gets it is healing. We both cried.  She had a lovely post about him on Facebook.  I cried like a baby.  Losing someone you love so much, while you're so young, is so hard.  I just want you back baby.  But I know I can't have you.

You always gave me anything I asked for, if you were able to.  But I know that you can't give me back what I want more than anything in the would.  I just want to be held by you.  I love you. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without another hug from you, without seeing your smile, and the way you look when you're sleeping.  I miss you so much.

I love you and miss you so much it hurts.

Carla

Two Weeks

Dear Christopher,

Mornings are definitely the hardest part of the day these days.  Waking up without you is terrible.  I woke up because of a text message this morning, but of course it wasn't you.  So I cried. I would give anything to wake up next to you one more time babe. I miss you and love you so much.

I sent you a message once that said in French they don't say I miss you, they say you're missing from me.  At the time I meant because you were a thousand miles away.  Now you really are missing from me.  And I struggle to handle that.  I am so in love with you.

It's been two weeks since you died.  The two most awful weeks in my existence.  I told you before I had been through some rough stuff.  And you know I had.  But none of that was anything like this.

People are ready for me to move on.  Guys are asking me out again. I just want friends, though, baby.  But I need someone.  Besides Elliott, Jon was the last one to really hug me. And that was over a week ago.  I needed to be hugged.  You always thought it was weird how much physical touch I needed.  I need it even more now.  Just a long hug.

It's almost thanksgiving.  I'm trying to remember to be thankful for everything I have. But the grief for everything I lost is intense.  I miss you.  I miss the plans I had with you for the future.  I miss everything about you.  If I could have you back, I'd do anything in my power to keep you with me forever.  I love you so much.

I talked to your mom a little yesterday.  She's struggling of course.  I wish I could do something to help her.  I'm praying for her though.  As bad as this is for me, I can't imagine how it is for her.

I love you more than I ever thought possible.

Carla

So Much Anger

Dear Christopher,

One week ago today I was sitting in a coffee shop with Jon.  I was trying not to cry while we talked about you.  We were both still struggling to come to terms with everything.  It was so weird being with Jon without you there.  You should have been there with us baby.  But instead we were talking about your memorial.

Today, for the first time since I found out, I woke up and wasn't crying.  In my dream, I was actually able to read your text message.  It didn't make sense, but I could read it.  That's an improvement.

I spent a lot of time yesterday talking to people on a forum.  I think it was good for me.  These people understand a little bit more about what I'm going through.  I'm so sad that they do.  But it's comforting, too.

Baby, I am so angry at everyone.  It took me completely by surprise.  I'm angry at you for hurting Elliott, but I can't seem to be angry at you for hurting me, even though people say that's coming.  I'm mainly angry at people I really have no business being angry at.  And I would never voice it to them, because I get that I'm being irrational.  But I just have so much anger inside right now.  I'm so angry at people who got to marry their soulmates.  I'm so jealous.  I wanted that too!  And  I don't get to.  I'm so angry at people who say they understand my pain, when they really have no idea.  I want to lash out at them, but I know they're trying to help, so I just say thanks.  But comparing the loss of a friend to the loss of my soulmate isn't fair.  I really wanna scream and say "Did you sit in your dead "friend's" bathroom and cry until you hyperventilated when you started your period, because you realized you could never have his baby??  Because I did.  Do you wake up so cold your teeth are chattering, and reach for the person who is supposed to be sleeping next to you, only to remember he's not there?  Because I do.  Please don't tell me you understand unless you've lost the love of your life, the person you were supposed to spend your life with."

I don't sleep in my bed.   You're supposed to be there with me.  I sleep on the couch.  Or in the recliner.  I know eventually I'm going to have to go back to sleeping in my bed.  And maybe eventually the memories of you there will bring me comfort.  But for now, they just hurt.  I tried Sunday afternoon, but I haven't been back since then.  In fact I don't think I've even stepped into the room since then.  I still haven't figured out how to face it.  Even on the couch I wake up reaching for you, trying to get closer to your warmth.  Only to realize your warmth is gone forever.

I'm trying to move forward through this awful grief, babe.  But it's hard.  I want to talk to you about it.  Because you are who I went to with my problems.  But you aren't here.  I talk to Mario about it some.  And he's fairly understanding.  He knows we belonged together.  I've talked to your sister a little bit.  But her grief is so strong, too.  She misses you.  And she has regrets.  I'm pushing away people who didn't know you.  I'm not doing it on purpose.  But I make them uncomfortable.  They don't know how to deal with such incredible sadness.  I tried reaching out to my mom, but that went terribly wrong.  I love her, but I have to accept the fact that she will just continue to make things worse.  So I'm done with that for now.  I miss you so much baby.  I need you.  There are so many things I need to tell you.  And so many things I need you to tell me.  I need to hold you.  I need to sleep against you.  But I just don't get what I need right now.

I love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love someone who wasn't my child.  Thanks for giving me that.  Thanks for always loving me back, too.  Even when I was a total pain.  I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life.  Thanks for allowing me to believe that some people can be trusted to love you unconditionally no matter what.

I love you so much

Carla

Your Smell

Dear Christopher,

Good morning, baby.  I miss you.  How many times did I send you that text message or you sent it to me?   It was always true, and I did miss you, although nothing like I do now.

I woke up this morning at 112, so sure I had a new text message from you, and you needed me.  I hear your text notifications in my sleep all the time now.  I had trained myself to always wake up when I heard it because I never wanted to waste an opportunity to talk with you by sleeping instead.  But where you are now, you can't text me anymore.

People tell me if I can get some sleep, you'll come to me in my dreams.  But so far you're just texting, and I can't read them.  I would rather see your face, baby.  One of the hardest things about this is that the last memory I have of actually seeing your face, you were almost crying, and I was.  Putting you on that train is something I will regret for the rest of my life.  Why did we do it baby?  We both knew it was a mistake.

I saw the behavioral specialist yesterday.  He assured me I'm normal.  But also told me I should really see a grief counselor.  I called and left a message with her yesterday.  I actually took that step myself.  Proud of me baby?  You know how much I hate making appointments...

Last night I watched tv for the first time since I found out you were gone. There was a wedding on the episode we watched.  It was hard, baby.  Why didn't we ever get to have OUR wedding?

I feel like so many things were ripped away from me when you died.  You were so young baby.  I wanted you at least 32 years more.  I looked forward to the future we were supposed to have.  I know you didn't think you wanted a baby, and thought Elliott was enough.  But for some reason, I always dreamed we would have one of our own, too.  I always had this picture in my head of us sending Elliott off to college.  And you were always holding our beautiful little girl when you hugged Elliott and told him to be good.   Now the picture has changed.  I hug Elliott and tell him to be good, and go home to an empty house.

How do I live without you babe?  I know I have to.  But it's so hard.  I feel so much bitterness and jealousy toward people who actually got to marry their soulmates. It's hard knowing I DID have one.  And he was mine for 113 glorious days.  But he's gone now, and I must live without him.

The shirt I sleep with doesn't smell quite like you any more.  My sister bought me "your" detergent so I can try to get it close again.  It's funny how that works.  By now you should have been living with me, and I would have been using my detergent on your clothes anyway.  But now I'll probably always associate the smell of Gain with you.

I hope you never ever, even for one minute doubted how much I love you.  Even on the hard days I never wavered from loving you with everything in me.  Even when you broke up with me, I loved you fiercely.  I hope you always knew that.

I love you so much it hurts.

Carla