Dearest Christopher,
It's almost 4 am and I can't sleep. I miss you so much and I can't stop crying. I wonder if the pain will ever go away. I don't think it ever will. As long as I'm alive, I'll love and miss you. I don't know how to live without you. But I'm trying, baby. Believe me, I'm trying.
I've been on pinterest looking at quotes. I know you thought I spent too much time looking at quotes but sometimes it makes me feel better to realize that other people are going through what I'm going through. I know there are a lot of sad people out there. And I'm sad for them. But I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
Ironically I read a quote at 3:41 (4:41 in Michigan) that said "It's 4:41 am, I wish I was pressed against your chest listening to your heartbeat instead of the rain." And that's the kind of thing I would have sent you while you were alive. Because I missed you so much anytime we were apart. But now that you're gone, it's even more meaningful. I would give up almost anything to be in your arms right now.
I miss you so much that it physically hurts me baby. I don't know to do this. I know I say that a lot. But it's true. I miss you. And I need you. I love you so much. I don't ever want to stop loving you, but I wish it would become less painful.
Every single day I think of something else I should have tried to save you. And every day I realize that I didn't try hard enough to save you. I hope you realized that I was doing the best I knew how to do though. I love you. And if love alone would have been enough, you'd still be here. My love for you is strong, deep, and complete. You used to say it was scary. It wasn't when you were alive. But sometimes it is now. Because you aren't here. And it feels like there's nowhere for it to go.
I love you so much it hurts.
Carla
Showing posts with label middle of the night. Show all posts
Showing posts with label middle of the night. Show all posts
Friday, December 4, 2015
Saturday, November 28, 2015
it's So Hard Without You
Dearest Christopher,
I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone. Your sister once said it was hard to love you. It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now. It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore. You were mine. You belonged with me. And you took so much of me when you left. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house. And I'm still terrified about leaving my house. I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it. I don't even want to do those things really. I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie. But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house. And that's scary.
I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday. I'm really nervous, but I know I need it. I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it. And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time. I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much and I always did.
It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out. Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year. I hate it that it won't be there. I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year. But I can't, because of Elliott. Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.
I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.
Carla
I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone. Your sister once said it was hard to love you. It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now. It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore. You were mine. You belonged with me. And you took so much of me when you left. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house. And I'm still terrified about leaving my house. I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it. I don't even want to do those things really. I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie. But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house. And that's scary.
I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday. I'm really nervous, but I know I need it. I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it. And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time. I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much and I always did.
It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out. Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year. I hate it that it won't be there. I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year. But I can't, because of Elliott. Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.
I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.
Carla
Thursday, November 12, 2015
3 AM and I Miss Him SO Much
It's 3 am and I'm sitting in front of the computer trying to make sense of this week. I've never been good at sleeping at night when I'm all alone, but tonight I'm not even going to pretend to try. I miss Christopher so much. I'm wearing one of his t shirts right now, with one of his dress shirts open over the top of it. Keeping it classy at 3 am. ;) The t shirt has been washed and no longer smells of him, but the dress shirt does. And I need that tonight.
I've spent the entire day going back and forth between complete numbness and crying so hysterically I'm sure I will hyperventilate. I can't make up my mind which is worse. I just know that this is really hard. Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I've been through my fair share of hard stuff.
Christopher was only 32. He was a Taurus, born on Friday, the 13th of May, 1983. He was a caring man. He was funny. He was cute. He was one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, but only when he wanted to be. He loved lasagna and meatloaf, and hated mushrooms and pickles. He liked comedies and action movies. He considered sad movies to be one of the worst things ever.
I only had 113 days to get to know this man. And I certainly tried. He laughed at how random I was when we were on the phone or texting. And I would switch from one topic to the next. But I wanted to know everything about him. I knew within the first week of talking to him that he was special and was going to be very important to me. He laughed at my confidence sometimes. I would just tell him "I KNOW we're supposed to be together! I love you! Don't you love me?" And his response was "Of course I do. I told you first, remember?"
A lot of people could probably tell you those things, though. The things that maybe they couldn't tell you are the more important ones, though. At least to me. Like the way he said "I love you" and actually looked at my face. He wasn't a fan of eye contact and hated it when he caught me looking at him. But when he said I love you, he would look directly at me. Or the way he would rub my back when I put my head on his chest to talk to him. He wasn't a fan of snuggling, and would frequently tell me I was asking a lot of him when I curled up on him, but he let me do it anyway. And he snuggled back. He also had this way of looking at me when he didn't think I was paying attention. And the cutest smile on his face. Like he was doing something sneaky by looking at me. I know he wasn't a perfect guy, but he certainly was one of my favorites.
Right now I'm dealing with the aftermath of losing him. And it's hard. I can laugh at some of my memories of him already, but I know a lot of the others will forever be painful. Watching him walk away from me for the last time is something I'm not sure I will ever get over. The guilt that goes with that memory for me is intense. But the smile on his face the first time he saw me is a pleasant thing to think about. And the way he looked when he told me I was much more beautiful in person than in my pictures.
I only had 113 days with my soulmate. It was much too brief. But it taught me so much. It taught me things I'll always remember, even if I live to be 113 years old.
I've spent the entire day going back and forth between complete numbness and crying so hysterically I'm sure I will hyperventilate. I can't make up my mind which is worse. I just know that this is really hard. Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I've been through my fair share of hard stuff.
Christopher was only 32. He was a Taurus, born on Friday, the 13th of May, 1983. He was a caring man. He was funny. He was cute. He was one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, but only when he wanted to be. He loved lasagna and meatloaf, and hated mushrooms and pickles. He liked comedies and action movies. He considered sad movies to be one of the worst things ever.
I only had 113 days to get to know this man. And I certainly tried. He laughed at how random I was when we were on the phone or texting. And I would switch from one topic to the next. But I wanted to know everything about him. I knew within the first week of talking to him that he was special and was going to be very important to me. He laughed at my confidence sometimes. I would just tell him "I KNOW we're supposed to be together! I love you! Don't you love me?" And his response was "Of course I do. I told you first, remember?"
A lot of people could probably tell you those things, though. The things that maybe they couldn't tell you are the more important ones, though. At least to me. Like the way he said "I love you" and actually looked at my face. He wasn't a fan of eye contact and hated it when he caught me looking at him. But when he said I love you, he would look directly at me. Or the way he would rub my back when I put my head on his chest to talk to him. He wasn't a fan of snuggling, and would frequently tell me I was asking a lot of him when I curled up on him, but he let me do it anyway. And he snuggled back. He also had this way of looking at me when he didn't think I was paying attention. And the cutest smile on his face. Like he was doing something sneaky by looking at me. I know he wasn't a perfect guy, but he certainly was one of my favorites.
Right now I'm dealing with the aftermath of losing him. And it's hard. I can laugh at some of my memories of him already, but I know a lot of the others will forever be painful. Watching him walk away from me for the last time is something I'm not sure I will ever get over. The guilt that goes with that memory for me is intense. But the smile on his face the first time he saw me is a pleasant thing to think about. And the way he looked when he told me I was much more beautiful in person than in my pictures.
I only had 113 days with my soulmate. It was much too brief. But it taught me so much. It taught me things I'll always remember, even if I live to be 113 years old.
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