it's So Hard Without You

Dearest Christopher,

I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone.  Your sister once said it was hard to love you.  It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now.  It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore.  You were mine.  You belonged with me.  And you took so much of me when you left.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house.  And I'm still terrified about leaving my house.  I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it.  I don't even want to do those things really.  I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie.  But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house.  And that's scary.

I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday.  I'm really nervous, but I know I need it.  I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it.  And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time.  I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that.  I love you so much and I always did.

It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out.  Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year.  I hate it that it won't be there.  I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year.  But I can't, because of Elliott.  Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.

I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.

Carla

Black Friday

Dearest Christopher,

I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was.  Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping.  I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg.  You said it might even be fun.

I'm at home.  And I can't even seem to do it online.  Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now.  And I have to do this.  Without you.  You treated me too well.  You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do.  Until the 9th, when you left me.  Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do.  Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.

I put on this happy face every single day.  I don't want people to worry about me.  But inside I feel so dead.  I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard.  I miss you. I miss being happy.  People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now.  They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.

I just miss you.  And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day.  But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.

Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.

Carla

Thanksgiving Without You

Dearest Christopher,

Happy Thanksgiving, baby.  I had so many plans for today.  It was supposed to be our first big holiday together.  We were going to cook a turkey with all the sides and spend the afternoon with Elliott, being thankful that we were now a family together.  Instead I'm lying in bed missing the best boyfriend I ever had.

I'm not sure what I'm cooking today, but it's certainly not a turkey.  I don't know how to get through this day without you.  I love you and I miss you.  It's so hard being here without you.  The sadness is too much so much of the time.

I remember you telling me you expected me to move on quickly if anything ever happened to you. The truth is, baby, I don't know if I'll ever be ready.  I've started faking the smiles, and pretending like I'm ok now, so people don't worry.  But inside I'm dead.  I just miss you so much.  And I love you so much.  I can't imagine how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without you.  Fake it til you make it I guess.  I wonder if people can see how I'm still not ok.  I wonder if it matters.

I'm in love with you, Christopher.  That much I know is still true.  I talk to other people, and I just miss you.  I try to make new friends.  I want to feel happy again.  But it's so hard to feel happy without you.  You said I was one of the happiest people you knew.  I want to be happy again baby.  I miss it.  But I was always happiest with you.  How do I get there again without you?

I hope Thanksgiving is fantastic in heaven.  It sure is miserable here without you.

I love you so much I can't stand the pain.

Carla