Thanksgiving Without You

Dearest Christopher,

Happy Thanksgiving, baby.  I had so many plans for today.  It was supposed to be our first big holiday together.  We were going to cook a turkey with all the sides and spend the afternoon with Elliott, being thankful that we were now a family together.  Instead I'm lying in bed missing the best boyfriend I ever had.

I'm not sure what I'm cooking today, but it's certainly not a turkey.  I don't know how to get through this day without you.  I love you and I miss you.  It's so hard being here without you.  The sadness is too much so much of the time.

I remember you telling me you expected me to move on quickly if anything ever happened to you. The truth is, baby, I don't know if I'll ever be ready.  I've started faking the smiles, and pretending like I'm ok now, so people don't worry.  But inside I'm dead.  I just miss you so much.  And I love you so much.  I can't imagine how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without you.  Fake it til you make it I guess.  I wonder if people can see how I'm still not ok.  I wonder if it matters.

I'm in love with you, Christopher.  That much I know is still true.  I talk to other people, and I just miss you.  I try to make new friends.  I want to feel happy again.  But it's so hard to feel happy without you.  You said I was one of the happiest people you knew.  I want to be happy again baby.  I miss it.  But I was always happiest with you.  How do I get there again without you?

I hope Thanksgiving is fantastic in heaven.  It sure is miserable here without you.

I love you so much I can't stand the pain.

Carla