it's So Hard Without You

Dearest Christopher,

I love you. I don't want to ever stop loving you, but it's so painful doing it now that you're gone.  Your sister once said it was hard to love you.  It never was while you were alive, but it certainly is now.  It's hard loving you and knowing I can't have you anymore.  You were mine.  You belonged with me.  And you took so much of me when you left.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

I still cry all the time. Things remind me of you all over my house.  And I'm still terrified about leaving my house.  I go to church, I go to the doctor, and I go to the grocery store. That's it.  I don't even want to do those things really.  I've been telling Elliott for days I'd take him to see a movie.  But so far we haven't, because that means leaving our house.  And that's scary.

I start counseling and a grief support group both on Wednesday.  I'm really nervous, but I know I need it.  I just don't have anyone here locally who really gets it.  And I know that's my fault for not being completely honest the whole time.  I know that probably hurt you, and I am so sorry for that.  I love you so much and I always did.

It's almost time to start pulling Christmas stuff out.  Your stocking has never hung at my house but I was looking forward to it hanging right next to mine this year.  I hate it that it won't be there.  I wish I could just skip Christmas all together this year.  But I can't, because of Elliott.  Baby, why did you do this to us?? How do we do this without you?? You were everything I ever needed and even better than I imagined I could have. And you're gone.

I love you and I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe sometimes.

Carla