Black Friday

Dearest Christopher,

I know you weren't exactly looking forward to a marathon shopping day today, but I was.  Black Friday was always my favorite day for Christmas shopping.  I was happy that you agreed to go with me this year and I didn't even have to beg.  You said it might even be fun.

I'm at home.  And I can't even seem to do it online.  Everything is so hard without you babe. I keep saying "I can't do this." But I know there's nothing you can do for me now.  And I have to do this.  Without you.  You treated me too well.  You never made me do stuff I didn't want to do.  Until the 9th, when you left me.  Then you started making me do a lot of things I didn't want to do.  Like breathe. And sleep. And eat. Without you.

I put on this happy face every single day.  I don't want people to worry about me.  But inside I feel so dead.  I'm looking for ways to feel alive. But it's hard.  I miss you. I miss being happy.  People have always told me I'm one of the happiest people they know. A lot of those people think I'm happy enough now.  They don't know that while I'm smiling, laughing, and joking on the outside, I'm so filled with despair on the inside that I don't know how to get out.

I just miss you.  And I don't think I'll ever stop. I guess eventually I won't cry for you multiple times every day.  But I don't think I'll ever stop loving and missing you.

Thank you baby for giving me a chance to love, and be loved, unconditionally.

Carla