Dearest Christopher,
Today marks three weeks since you took your last breath. I still don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be ok yet. Will I ever be ok again? Some days I think I might be. Other days I'm sure I won't be. I just miss you so much. I hurt all the time. I fake smiles and I laugh. But if you were here, you would tell me the smile never really reached my eyes. Like in the one picture that everyone else likes. But you never liked it much because my eyes weren't happy. You preferred the pics that were taken just for you, when I was happiest and in love with you. I'm still in love with you. But usually that makes me sad now instead of happy. I'm happy I got the opportunity to love you. And that you loved me back. But I'm so sad because it's over. I never wanted it to end.
I start grief counseling in two days. I hope it goes well. I talk about you ALL the time, to anyone who will listen. I talked about you a lot while you were still alive, but nothing like I do now. I go around and around in circles trying to make things make sense. But they don't. And they never will. Because you aren't here. And you made sense. You were my happily ever after, and the part of me I didn't even know was missing. You asked me early in our relationship where I had been all your life. I assured you I had been waiting for you, and we'd never be apart again. I didn't lie. I was there for the rest of your life. But why can't you be here for mine?? Why did you have to leave me when you were only 32?? Everyone tells me I'm young, and I'll be happy again with someone else. But I don't want anyone else. I want YOU. And you left me!!
I've read several times that your last thought of the day and your first thought of the day are where your heart belongs. For months now that's been you. I can't go to sleep without thinking about you. And within about 30 seconds of waking up every morning I remember that my life is a nightmare. And I can't wake up from it. You used to tell me that you thought about me all the time. It made me happy because I thought about you all the time, too. I still do. But now it makes me sad. Because thinking about me wasn't enough to keep you here. I don't really blame you. I'm just so sad that you thought what you did was the only one to cope. I love you so much. I would have done anything for you. Anything at all. I hope you always knew that.
I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping this week. How do I celebrate Christmas this year without you? How do I pretend that I'm ok, or even happy? I just want you back. The pain I feel is unbearable. It makes me realize how awful your depressions must have been for you. And I'm proud of you for being so strong and fighting so hard for so long. This is absolutely unbearable. I don't know how to live with this pain. All I want is to talk to you about it, and have you answer me baby. I miss you so much. You were always the one I talked to about anything I needed to talk about. What do I do now? Who do I turn to? The one person I need to make me feel better is the person responsible for the deepest pain I've ever experienced.
I miss you more than I thought I could possibly ever miss someone. I know you were trying to say goodbye to me for days before you died to make things easier for me. But I think it made things harder. I KNOW you still loved me. But I was so scared and hurt that last week. I never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye, though. I hope you heard the last thing I ever said to you on the phone. It was "I love you." I hope you remembered that until you died. I hope you still know that it's true.
I love you so much baby
Carla
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