One Last Night

Dearest Christopher,

I thought the hardest day of my life was the day I find out you were gone.  Turns out I was wrong.  It was just the first incredibly painful day of many I'm sure.

I got to sleep in your bed one last time last night.  I slept wrapped up in things that smelled like you, holding your shirt you were wearing in the first picture you ever sent to me.  I slept better than I had since you left my house last month.  But, oh the pain, this morning!  Waking up alone in your bed!  I don't know how to wake up without you every morning for the rest of my life.

I got to meet some important people to you last night and I am so thankful for that.  It was nice to see how important you were to so many people.  I'm sorry that I was such a crybaby at your memorial.  I know it's something you would have made fun of me for.  But I just don't know how to not cry anymore.

I never ever doubted you loved me.  But talking to Mario last night confirmed to me that your love for me was great.  It was so comforting hearing him say how much you talked about me and how much you wanted to be with me in North Dakota.

I know you hate the backstreet boys, but the opening lines of one of their songs just keeps playing through my head.  The rest of the song doesn't apply but it does.  "It's not that I can't live without you.  It's just that I don't even want to try.  Every night I dream about you. Ever since the day we said goodbye."  Later on it says..."Because your love is so amazing. Baby you're the best thing in my life."

The truth is, I don't even know how to begin to live without you.  You were only mine for 113 days, but those were the best days of my life.  I got you for less than 1% of your days. I wanted you for over 50%.

Today I leave Michigan.  I don't know if I'll ever be back.  It's so hard being here without you.  But it's also comforting because it's where you were.  I see you everywhere.  I feel you here with me.  I looked around for you at Walmart last night before I remembered you weren't with me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy without you. You always said you needed me, but I didn't need you, I only wanted you.  Turns out you were wrong.  I need you so much.

I know you didn't leave me on purpose, and you wanted to be with me.  And I know in my heart that you belonged to me.  Not because I wanted to own you, but because you wanted to belong to me.  I think that's my problem now.  The heart that belongs to me is no longer beating.  And the heart in my chest can't figure out how to beat without its owner here on earth.

I am so thankful I got the opportunity to meet you.  Our time together was way too short, but it was incredible.  In the darkest hours I've wondered why I ever even got to meet you, just for you to be taken back away from me.  But I wouldn't trade the time I had with you for the world.  I know the intense pain will last much longer than the 113 days of joy I had, but it's so worth it.

Thank you for loving me no matter what.

Carla