Saturday, November 21, 2015

Lonely and Sad

Dearest Christopher,

I woke up not crying again this morning.  And I even slept through the night last night.  I think I slept about 9.5 hours, and only woke up when Elliott woke me up.  Of course it didn't take long for me to start crying, because I still miss you so much.  But sleeping without tears feels nice.  But then I almost feel guilty for not missing you while I sleep.  I know that's insane.  And you wouldn't want me to cry for you.  And you would want me to be ok again.  But it's just so hard.

I can't seem to fully accept you aren't coming back to me.  We belong together.  And I miss you.  I always missed you when we were apart.  I was always thinking about you.  You were always the first thought on my mind in the morning, and the last one on my mind at night.  And that brought me comfort.  Because you said I was your first and last thought, too.  But now you're gone.  And you're still my first and last thought.  But I can't text you or call you to tell you about it.  I just write letters, but of course you can't write back.

I can now see your smile sometimes when I close my eyes.  It is so much better.  I can almost hear your laugh.  I'm so worried about losing the ability to remember how you sounded though.  I don't have a single recording of the way you sound, and that hurts.  I miss your voice so much.  You always said I was crazy, but I always loved your voice, and your laugh, even when we were just friends.  It was such a beautiful sound.

I feel so lonely and scared without you here.  The forums help, but they all talk about their friends hugging them and listening to them.  You were the one I relied on for that kind of support.  I don't have anyone else.  Carl is there to listen to me and tell me he loves me anyway.  But I need to be held.  And I don't have that.  And I know that if I had lost anyone else you would have been on the first train to me if you weren't already with me, no matter what.  But I don't have anyone else like that.  I feel so alone.

I've been trying to get into a grief counselor.   But haven't had luck with that.  That sucks.  Because I think I could use it.  But I've called twice and so far I've not had a return call.  That's rough baby.  It's hard to force myself to do anything right now.  The grief is still so overwhelming.  Some minutes I almost feel ok, but then it all comes crashing back.  And I can't stop crying again.  I'm beginning to think my eyes are going to be permanently swollen.

I miss you baby.  I would give almost anything to have you here with me right now.  I know you were in pain, but I wanted to help you.  I get that maybe that's selfish.  But I wanted you to feel better for you, too.  I just wanted to have a long life with you.  I'm so sad that I have to live the rest of my life without you.  It's so unfair.

I love you with everything in me

Carla

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