I wrote this letter to my best friend in the entire world about 12 hours after I found out about his death. It took me that long to process it well enough to put it in writing, but here it is. It's raw and it's painful. It's the exact words I handwrote on a piece of paper as I sat and cried.
Dearest Christopher,
I love you so very much. Knowing I will never hug you, or see you again is so hard. I don't know how to live without you. 113 days wasn't nearly enough time to spend with my soulmate. 113 days. That's all I had. I hope you knew how much I loved you during that time. And how much I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. I know we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, I just thought it would be far longer. This is so unfair. I love you so much and this is so hard for me. I don't even know who I am without you. I am so sorry I let you down. I should have tried harder. I should have made sure you were actually getting the help you needed. I knew you were in pain. I don't know why I thought I could be enough. I just loved you so much. But I know love isn't always enough. I tried so hard, though. Baby, I love you.
I don't know if you can see me now, but if you can, then you can see how much I loved you, and still do. And how sorry I am that I didn't get you the help you needed. I don't think you took your own life, but if you did, I don't blame you. I know you were in pain. I wish I could have helped more. The guilt is eating me alive. But I'll be strong. And I'll continue living because that's what you would have wanted. You'll always have a piece of me. I have to learn to live without it. But I'll always have a piece of you, too. And it's my favorite part of me. I hope if you can see me, I'll make you proud.
I love you with everything I am.
Carla
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