Wednesday, November 18, 2015

So Cold And Alone

I wrote this one yesterday but it wouldn't publish in the morning, and then I forgot later.

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning handsome.  How I miss sending you that text message every day and waiting for you to respond with "Good morning beautiful.  How did you sleep?" The answer today is broken.  I was up every hour or two.  Reaching for you.  It's so cold sleeping without you.  I didn't even realize that until I was in your bed Friday night without you.  Now I understand what you meant when you told me how cold it was without me when I left your house in September.  I'm so cold I don't know if I'll ever be warm again.

Yesterday was a really bad day, baby.  There was so much guilt and pain. We still have weeks until we get the toxicology report.  And even then we won't know exactly what happened.  But it might help.

J and I talked again yesterday.  She said I need professional help.  I already knew that, though.  You knew she loved you, right?  She is struggling with her own regrets.  She's helping me through this though.  I kinda wish she would blame me.  I wish someone would.  I know that's crazy.  But I feel so much guilt and blame.

I love you so much baby.  I would have helped you through anything if you had come to me with your problems.  I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't see more.  Hindsight is awful.  All I ever wanted was to help you and give you a good life with me.  I never wanted to fix you.  You weren't broken.  You were amazing just as you were.  I just wanted to help you deal with stuff in a better way.

I'm still trying to figure out how to live without you.  Each hour is a struggle.  Sleep is a relief, but waking up alone is painful.  You were much too young to die and leave me here alone.   The love of your life isn't supposed to die at 32.

I keep reading things about grief.  Trying to find my way through. And everything says the real pain hasn't even started yet.  Baby, I feel like the pain's going to kill me already.  How can I possibly get through anything worse?  I'm physically sore.  And I'm so exhausted.

I keep looking for a distraction.  But all I want is to talk about you or what I'm going through.  I'm pretty sure my friends will all leave me soon.  I can't focus on anything else.  But I need to work through this somehow.  I'm so alone and empty.

I regret so much not taking more pictures of and with you.  I know you hated your pics taken.  But baby I need more.  How do I scrapbook our life together with the handful of pics I have of you?

I love you so very much, with everything inside of me.

Carla

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