Friday, November 20, 2015

So Much Anger

Dear Christopher,

One week ago today I was sitting in a coffee shop with Jon.  I was trying not to cry while we talked about you.  We were both still struggling to come to terms with everything.  It was so weird being with Jon without you there.  You should have been there with us baby.  But instead we were talking about your memorial.

Today, for the first time since I found out, I woke up and wasn't crying.  In my dream, I was actually able to read your text message.  It didn't make sense, but I could read it.  That's an improvement.

I spent a lot of time yesterday talking to people on a forum.  I think it was good for me.  These people understand a little bit more about what I'm going through.  I'm so sad that they do.  But it's comforting, too.

Baby, I am so angry at everyone.  It took me completely by surprise.  I'm angry at you for hurting Elliott, but I can't seem to be angry at you for hurting me, even though people say that's coming.  I'm mainly angry at people I really have no business being angry at.  And I would never voice it to them, because I get that I'm being irrational.  But I just have so much anger inside right now.  I'm so angry at people who got to marry their soulmates.  I'm so jealous.  I wanted that too!  And  I don't get to.  I'm so angry at people who say they understand my pain, when they really have no idea.  I want to lash out at them, but I know they're trying to help, so I just say thanks.  But comparing the loss of a friend to the loss of my soulmate isn't fair.  I really wanna scream and say "Did you sit in your dead "friend's" bathroom and cry until you hyperventilated when you started your period, because you realized you could never have his baby??  Because I did.  Do you wake up so cold your teeth are chattering, and reach for the person who is supposed to be sleeping next to you, only to remember he's not there?  Because I do.  Please don't tell me you understand unless you've lost the love of your life, the person you were supposed to spend your life with."

I don't sleep in my bed.   You're supposed to be there with me.  I sleep on the couch.  Or in the recliner.  I know eventually I'm going to have to go back to sleeping in my bed.  And maybe eventually the memories of you there will bring me comfort.  But for now, they just hurt.  I tried Sunday afternoon, but I haven't been back since then.  In fact I don't think I've even stepped into the room since then.  I still haven't figured out how to face it.  Even on the couch I wake up reaching for you, trying to get closer to your warmth.  Only to realize your warmth is gone forever.

I'm trying to move forward through this awful grief, babe.  But it's hard.  I want to talk to you about it.  Because you are who I went to with my problems.  But you aren't here.  I talk to Mario about it some.  And he's fairly understanding.  He knows we belonged together.  I've talked to your sister a little bit.  But her grief is so strong, too.  She misses you.  And she has regrets.  I'm pushing away people who didn't know you.  I'm not doing it on purpose.  But I make them uncomfortable.  They don't know how to deal with such incredible sadness.  I tried reaching out to my mom, but that went terribly wrong.  I love her, but I have to accept the fact that she will just continue to make things worse.  So I'm done with that for now.  I miss you so much baby.  I need you.  There are so many things I need to tell you.  And so many things I need you to tell me.  I need to hold you.  I need to sleep against you.  But I just don't get what I need right now.

I love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love someone who wasn't my child.  Thanks for giving me that.  Thanks for always loving me back, too.  Even when I was a total pain.  I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life.  Thanks for allowing me to believe that some people can be trusted to love you unconditionally no matter what.

I love you so much

Carla


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