Finally A Smile

Dearest Christopher,

This morning I woke up thinking about you, like always.  But this morning there was a smile on my face.  I'm still so incredibly sad that you're gone.  But I was smiling at some of my memories of you.  The particular memory I was smiling at today was the way you told me not to look at you, and I told you "I can't help it!  I'm finally with the man of my dreams!" And you smiled and pushed my head to the side. Ha.  It's always been one of my favorite memories.  We were both so happy.  It was the first night I was in Michigan.

Tomorrow would have been our 4.5 month anniversary.  I know that wouldn't have meant anything to anyone but you and me.  But we were supposed to celebrate it.  Your present was supposed to be matching rings with me.  That way we could pretend like we were already married like we always wanted to do.  What do I do now, babe? I'm still going to wear my ring I think. It says "I love you forever" and that didn't change.  I will still love you forever.

Baby, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'm making good decisions right now.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to do something I will regret.  Because I miss you so much and don't know how to deal with it.  I love you more than I ever thought possible.  And living without you sucks.  When you broke up with me I cried myself to sleep.  But I was really ok, because I thought it was what you needed at the time.  And I always knew you would come back to me.  You even said while we were broken up that you couldn't lose me and loved me.  And I always believed it was true.  I was the best thing that ever happened to you.  And aside from Elliott, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, too.  But losing you is definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me.  I still don't know how to survive.

I love you and I miss you so much

Carla