3 Months Ago...

Dearest Christopher,

Today I miss you so much I woke up crying.  And kept crying for a while.  Happy 3 month anniversary baby, from the day we first met face to face.

It's later in the day than when I usually write to you.  I wanted to wait until it was late enough that I was already at your house 3 months ago today.  And at this time, we had just finished dinner with Jeff and were back at your house.  You were so cute and so nervous when you asked if I was sure that I wanted to stay with you.  I was afraid you meant you didn't want me to.  But you pulled me close to you and said you wanted me with you always.  You just weren't sure I wanted to be with you, especially after the drama with Jon.

I knew that night I was in love with you.  I knew I never wanted to fall asleep in anyone else's arms again.  You and I were the perfect fit together. Curling up on your chest was just so right.

If I had known then that you would only be mine for two more months, I don't think I would have changed anything, except maybe paid better attention to all the little things about you.  I remember tracing my hands along your scars that night.  And I told you "I'm sorry you were in a place that this was the best way to deal with it.  But I'm glad you're ok now, and here with me."  You said "Me too baby.  I love you."  Two months later you were back in that same place, and I couldn't save you.  I'm so sorry.  I have never wanted anything so much in my life as I want one more night with you.  One more night where I'm curled up against you with my head on your chest and you slowly tracing patterns on my back while we talk about anything and everything.

Every day the pain gets worse, not better.  Every day is another day I don't get to talk to the love of my life.  We should be decorating our house for Christmas this week baby.  But instead I'm here alone.  And I won't decorate.  Because I don't want Christmas without you, Christopher.  I don't want anything without you Chris.  But I have to, because you left me.  And I don't know how to deal with that.

I love you so much and I miss you every single second of the day.

Carla