Getting From Here to There

Dearest Christopher,

I love you. I miss you. I need you here with me.  But since I can't have you, I'll learn how to survive without you.  But it's so hard.  The pain is so intense.  I know you were in a lot of pain while you were alive.   Did you realize you would transfer that pain to your mom and me? And anyone else who loved you?

Yesterday I wrote a post about how much I miss you on Facebook.  I used one of my favorite quotes as the picture.  It says "People keep telling me that life goes on, but, to me, that's the saddest part."  And it really is.  I miss you.  I'm so sad that my life is still going on without you here. I waited 32 years to find the person I can't live without.  And four short months later I was forced to live without him anyway.  Only now I know what I'm missing.

I won't say you were the other half of who I am.  We were both alive for 32 years apart.  But I'll say that together we were better than we were alone.  Maybe I was the cheese to your burger.  We were ok apart, but wonderful together.  And I miss you.  Now that I know what it's like to be part of something wonderful and whole, where we just melted into each other and belonged together.  I'm still whole I guess.  But it's not the same now that I know what could have been.

When I posted on Facebook about how hard it is without you a friend commented and asked if you were my boyfriend.  A simple "Yes" didn't seem sufficient.  So I told her a little bit about our wonderful love story.  About how much I love you and how much you love me.  My ending line was "They say in time I'll be ok again.  And I believe that's true. It's just getting from here to there that's the problem."

And that is the problem babe.  I want to be ok again.  I know that's what you want, too.  But baby it's so hard.  It's hard being ok when I'm still so upset about everything I lost.  And I get that I didn't lose nearly as much as you did, so I'm being selfish.  But baby, I'm the one that has to live this life alone.  Without the person who brings me sunshine and quiets my cries.

I love you so much that it hurts.

Carla