I Miss You

Dearest Christopher,

Today I woke up and I almost felt numb again. Like I did so much the first week.  I welcomed it.  It's easier to be numb than in so much physical pain.  But the pain is back.  I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe at the moment.

Mario told me again how he thought we were right together and should have got married. And how you wanted to marry me. It makes me happy to know that other people saw how happy we made each other.  But I just ache so bad for what I feel should have been my future.  I don't want the one you left me with.  I don't want to fall in love with someone else.  I want you back. I've never in my life been so sure that I was in love with someone, like I was with you.

I bought rings for our anniversary.  It should have been a fun surprise, since we always talked about pretending we were already married.   The rings were cheap, but they were supposed to be our starter rings, until I was divorced and we needed real ones.  I was so nervous at first about wearing the ring without you.  But now that I have it out of its package I wear it all the time, except when I'm doing dishes or showering.  I even wear it while I sleep.

I love you baby. I miss you so much that the stomach ache and pain in my chest are there more often than not.  I don't know how to live without you.  I never wanted to.  I wish there was a way you could help me.  But of course if you could, you would still be here, and we'd be lying in bed together right now making Christmas plans instead of me lying here trying to figure out how to survive.

I miss you so much.

Carla