Monday, December 14, 2015

You Made Me a Better Person

Dearest Christopher,

I no longer immediately reach for my phone to send you a "Good morning baby. I miss you" text when I wake up. I guess part of me is finally accepting that you can't text from heaven.  But I miss you more than ever. I don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to be ok.  I think I'm getting better at faking it though.

Yesterday was Sunday and I didn't have a breakdown in the church parking lot when I thought about how I always always texted you there after church each week. I cried a little bit while I was driving, but not like usual. I think I'm getting better at holding it all together even when I'm falling apart on the inside.

One of my favorite quotes at the moment says "If people knew how much I truly missed you they'd wonder how I'm even breathing."  And it's true.  I miss you that much.  I know our relationship was far from perfect but it was right. It was what I needed.  You helped me grow and become a better person.  I loved you so much, so unconditionally.  I still do.  I still don't know how to imagine a future without you.  It's so dark and lonely.  But I also know you would want me to find the light and the colors and let them back in.  You would want that for me.  And I'm trying baby. I really am.

I love you so much and miss you too.


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