So Many Questions

Dear Christopher,

I love you. I said goodbye to a couple of friends today because it makes them uncomfortable that I talk about you all the time.  I'm prepared to say goodbye to more, if I must. I'm not prepared to quit talking about you. You're too important.  And I love you too much.

Today's a rough day.  I'm struggling with all the different plans you made.  Was I really plan A?  And the others were back up plans? Or was I only hearing what you thought I wanted to hear? I love you.  I just wanted you to be honest. That's all. And I hate it so much that I can't ask you now.  I have so many questions for you.  I wish you could come home so I could ask.  You belong here with me, Christopher.  I'm not sure how to do this without you.

It's almost Christmas.  It was supposed to be your best Christmas yet, remember? And maybe it will be.  Christmas in heaven is probably pretty magical.  But it's going to be my worst Christmas yet.  Because I'm here and you're not.  And there are so many things I still need from you.  And so many things I still want to do for you. And with you.  Why did you leave me, Christopher? Why? You were supposed to be with me for a long time. You promised. You said you loved me and you wouldn't leave me.  But you did.

I miss you so much it hurts

Carla