Monday, December 7, 2015

Four Weeks

Dearest Christopher,

Good morning.  I love you. I wonder if you ever got the messages I sent to you 4 weeks ago today, or if you were already too far gone.  I miss you so much.

Last night I came to a conclusion.  I'm not reaching out to anyone in your family in any way anymore.  If they want to talk to me, I'll talk to them, but I won't be the one to try anymore.  They're not my family and now they never will be. I tried baby.  Because they were your family and I love you so much.  But it's hard.  Our relationship never mattered to them.  They don't care how very much in love we were.

I love you, and I miss you.  I miss everything about you.  This pain is so unbearable.  Especially at night when I'm lying here alone, when I should be next to you.  I've cried so many tears for you, both when you were alive and now that you're gone.  I don't see that stopping anytime soon.

Four weeks ago I was worried about you.  But I was excited that I was getting ready to see you again.  I was packing.  I was researching things to help you.  I was checking into counseling services.  I assumed I would be seeing you in just a couple of days.  And it would be hard, because you were in so much pain.  But I thought you wanted to see me again.  I thought you were really planning on coming home with me and us going together to get the help you needed.  I thought I was so close to getting you home with me, where I could help you.  Baby I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.  I tried my hardest, but I couldn't save you.  And I will regret that for the rest of my life.  No one wanted to save you more than I did.  I always saw how great and beautiful you were on the inside and the outside.

I'm grieving so hard now baby. I'm missing you so much it physically hurts.  I'm grieving for our family that we will never be able to have.  I'm hurting because of the way your family is acting. I'm hurting because people who didn't show you how much they loved you while you were alive, suddenly are.  And that bothers me.  Why couldn't they do that while you were alive?  Why did you think that your mom, Jon, and Elliott were the only ones that loved you besides me?  Would it have made a difference if they had shown you love? Could they have even done it? Or is it just guilt now?  Baby, I hope you never ever even for one minute doubted I loved you.  I know sometimes I hurt you. And I'm really sorry for that.  But even when I'd say something hurtful I always tried to make sure you knew I still loved you.  I was just hurting.

My grief is so complicated.  I wish I could talk about it with someone who knew and loved you.  I wish I could explain to someone all that I lost when I lost you.  But no one would get it.  Because no one liked me while you were still alive.  Now I'm just a reminder of what they lost.  I wonder if your mom grieves for the children you'll never have, the way I do? You were so good with Elliott.  You would have been a great daddy.  I grieve for the fact that Elliott never gets you now.  And we never get another one of our own together.

I hurt for any guy I ever enter a relationship with in the future.  I had enough complications from my past to make me a not so great choice.  I know you always loved me anyway, despite all that.  But now there's another layer for any guy in the future to deal with.  How do they compete with my dead soul mate?  I know you weren't perfect, but you were perfect for me.

I love you so much babe.


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