What Should Have Been

Dear Christopher,

Hi baby.  I love you. I didn't write earlier because there was a lot of stuff going on.  If you were still here I would have made time to text you a few times, quickly, just to let you know I was thinking about you.  But these letters aren't so quick like texts were. Sometimes it takes me quite a while to finish a letter.

I had therapy and my support group both today.  I cried more in group than I did in therapy.  I made a couple of other people cry in group, too.  It's just really hard baby.  When I made other people cry today, we were talking about how our plans are different than God's.  And I was crying about how I wanted my plans, and they were all with you.  And how I hadn't realized I would grieve so hard for the babies I wanted with you.  It's true though. I spend so much time thinking about what our life could have been like together.  Would we have had a baby together?  Would it have been a baby girl? Or a boy? Red hair and blue eyes like daddy? Or brown hair and greens like mommy and brother? Or maybe something entirely different. But I'll never know, because I never get to feel your baby growing inside of me.  I never get to see the pride and awe on your face when you hold your baby for the first time.  And it's just not fair, Christopher.  I love you.  I wanted so many things with you.  I always thought you wanted them with me, too.  I hope you did.

I'm trying really hard to focus on happy memories with you most of the time.  It's really not all that hard most of the time.  You made me so happy.  And I have so many great memories with you.  But I feel so sad so often because you weren't mine nearly long enough.  And that's hard.  I thought I had many years with you.  It's hard knowing my time with you is already over.

I love you and miss you so much it hurts

Carla