Thursday, December 3, 2015

First Therapy Appointment

Dearest Christopher,

I love you so much.  I miss you more than I imagined possible.  I thought I thought about you all the time when you were still alive.  And I did think about you a lot.  But not like now.  You're always on my mind baby.  I love you. Living without you isn't getting easier.  I don't know how it ever will.

I had therapy yesterday.  She told me all my symptoms and feelings were normal.  She said I'm going through one of the roughest things a person can go through.  And that being so far from the other people that love you complicates my grieving process.  Because I need to talk to them.  But I can't. I feel like I'm bugging your mom and sister when I talk to them.

I'm looking at a picture of my sister, Elliott, and me at Chuck e cheese.  It makes me angry that you didn't take one with Elliott that day.  He doesn't have a single picture of the two of you together.  And that's not fair.  He loves you and he misses you.  And the pictures he stares at are one of just you, and one of you and me together.  Because that's all he has.

I love you so much.  But I'm so upset that you hurt Elliott. I don't like it that you hurt anyone, but especially Elliott.  You did this while his dad was deployed and he was already going through rough stuff.  It really sucks.  He didn't deserve any of this.

Elliott has already forgiven you though.  He did almost immediately.  He said you loved us, and we love you.  And you would watch over us from heaven.  He said you would never choose to leave us, because you belonged with us.  He was right. You did love us, and we both love you.  And we belong together.  We were supposed to be a family.

I love you more than I ever thought possible, and I miss you even more.


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